TMNT 2012 Raph Centric Fanfiction.
Title: Numb
CH 1: I've become so numb.
Author's comment: The first chapter was rewritten, so if old fans are returning to check up on this fanfic, just know that the first chapter is still the same. But it's rewritten to be better than the old one, being much more descriptive and with much more emotion in it. I reread the first chapter over and over again and the more I did the less satisfied I was with it. It just seemed like Raph only had one emotion to express, and it felt bland. So I mixed my own headcanon into the mix that Raph's worst fear is his family rejecting him, hating and fearing him. As they do to the Shredder, this will come into play later so keep it in mind.
I didn't want rage to be the only emotion Raph expressed in this chapter, so I gave him more emotions like doubt, terror and sorrow among others. I wanted everyone to really feel what Raph was feeling. So this chapter has been rewritten to fit the narrative better, to match the genres of the story. Anyway there are two other things I need to talk about after this, it's important that you read the paragraphs below. Thank you for taking time to read this, I hope this fanfic will be worth your while.
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Notice: This takes place in Season 4 right after Earth's Last Stand and before any other episodes. Remember this is a fanfiction and in this fanfiction Earth's Last Stand ended differently. Shredder escaped before he was badly wounded in the fight, so he doesn't need mutagenic medicine.
Obviously, this fanfiction won't follow any of the shows canon except for the past episodes. Anything in this fanfiction should be accepted as an alternate universe, because fanfiction are just that. Fanfiction and this fanfiction is not going to follow in the shows footsteps. This is a more of a: What If Scenario. Thank you for your time. Now onto the warning segment!
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Content Warning: This multi-chapter fanfic will include the following sensitive topics; the subject of death, loss, coping, and self-harm. Another warning to be issued is that this fanfiction will not be for the faint of heart! This author is not afraid to pull a fast one and write out something that would be akin to a grimdark story.
There will be moments when things become intense and too real for comfort and possibly very obscene and graphic. This author takes no responsibility for any feels that may be crushed, shredded or otherwise completely annihilated if you so choose to indulge in this fanfiction. You have been warned, now let us begin~
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I felt hollow like an empty shell, yet at the same time I felt as frigid as ice cold waters, but I was also on fire. Every inch of my mutant body tremored with agony at each step I took. Amnesia was a rather curious thing, wasn't it? I for one, have never thought of amnesia and what it meant up until now.
See here's the deal, my name is Raphael, Raphael Hamato and I am a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. I am the son of Splinter, formerly known as Hamato Yoshi, and I am the hotheaded brother to Leonardo, Donatello and Michelangelo.
At the current moment, I was hauling my sorry shell home after a hostile brawl I couldn't remember for the life of me. All I can remember and all that I know is that I was shell-shocked, and my feet are dragging behind me.
It's as if chains of steel were wrapped around my ankles, and I was lugging a large metal ball around, like I was an escaped convict. Also, not to mention I feel like I am burning to a crisp yet freezing into a turtle popsicle. Seriously, I'm not sure there's any other way to explain how I feel.
Oddly enough, the only thing that escaped the agonizing wrath and that scorching sensation within me was my chest and in turn my heart. It was rather bizarre and yet alarming all at the same time. Well now that you know who I am I suppose I should get on with my tale, shouldn't I? Very well I'll start by reintroducing myself, in case you've already forgotten who I am. But sell, like that could happen am I right?
Who could forget this rugged, handsome and dashing mutant? Anyways, like I said the name's Raphael, Raph for short. I am eighteen years of age, I'm one hotheaded and stubborn bastard. I've always let rage cloud my rational thought process, which is probably why I'm paying the price for it right now.
My older brother, that's Leonardo he's a total stick in the mud and a pain in my shell. He's always trying to be a holier-than-thou type of person. He has a bad habit of playing the hero and not only that, he always tries to pull off sacrificial hero stereotypical bullshell on us. But he was right about one thing.
Leo was always preaching to me that my rashness, and my chagrin would land me in hot water. That I would one day end up gravely injured and so it had, as you can already tell. I hate to admit it but he was right, he's right and that can be infuriating to me.
Damn that cheeky know it all he always had to be right, always had to have the last word, the Mr. Perfect Son. I guess in the end it serves me right that I didn't listen to him, I was obviously asking for my shell to be battered and beaten.
Or otherwise, I'd not be in this god damn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation, now would I? Now see, the thing is about the amnesia I mentioned to you all before- is that I'm not even sure that's how I should describe what's happening here. I knew my name, my family and friends, where I lived and everything else.
Now, I'm no mental health shrink or whatever the shell you call it, but I have heard of amnesia from Donnie before. The thing about amnesia it's more or less a partial or total loss of memory. I know what you're all thinking, well duh Raph what you're going through is partial loss of memory.
In which case you would be somewhat correct, but here's the thing I just couldn't recall where the hell I'd been recently. If I was truthfully suffering from partial amnesia, I am certain I would be forgetting much more than where I have been for a short while.
As I was contemplating on where my exact whereabouts had been, a groan slipped out and escaped my mouth. Step by step, I was moving my suffering body forward, I was almost home. Come on now, it's just a few more steps surely, I could manage that, right?
I mean, that's all I have been doing since I came to from whatever rumble that had knocked me cold out of it. Just a few more steps...attaboy Raphie, see there I did it! I was finally slipping inside the lair.
The agony was like thousands of blades piercing through me and all I wanted to do was get painkillers from Donnie and then lay my sorry shell to bed. So, I could sleep it off, that's what I usually did when I was suffering from injuries.
That is what I always did, but as it turns out I wouldn't be capable of doing that this time. It was at this point in time I was staring to notice something and it was indeed unsettling.
I know it sounds cliché but it was quiet, too damn quiet, for my comfort. I let my emerald eyes wander the length of the lair, something out of the corner of my vision caught my attention.
My gazing came to a stop and my sights landed on Michelangelo. That's my baby brother, he wears an orange mask, has dark freckles on his cheeks, and his eyes are a curious baby blue. He wasn't such a bad little brother, even if he did love to push my limit of patience.
As I made my way over to him, I also noticed something else that I previously missed during my initial inspection. My baby brother looked miserable, and that wasn't something that was normal. At first this shocked me and all I did was stare at him and wonder why he was in such a melancholy state.
He was settled on the couch, lying on his side and curled up into a ball like shape. He almost looked like a green speckled turtle egg, but that wasn't all he looked like. I could clearly see his lower eyelids were a bright red, and there were old tear stain marks that trailed down his face.
His baby blues were bloodshot from what I could only assume was the result of tears. I was baffled, Mikey wasn't one to cry unless something tragic happened or if he watched some sappy anime or show that was emotional.
I couldn't think of anything tragic happening as of late, so I used process of elimination theory and debunked that thought. The only remaining thought I had was that he'd watched something that upset him so.
It was then I realized Mikey was staring blankly at the tv, but the damn thing wasn't even on. Has his brain finally melted? I rolled my emerald orbs and huffed out in my usually sarcastic and gruff tone, my voice was laced with agony, but I ignored it. "You realize the damn thing isn't even on, right Mikey?"
Mikey didn't grace me with a response, even when I walked right in front of the tv, arms crossed and an annoyed scowl on my face. I glared down at him, wondering why he didn't reply to my statement.
"Were you up all night watching some idiotic and emotional anime again, or what?" Yet again I was given the silent treatment, Mikey didn't even shake his head or even give me any indication that he was listening to me. All he did was stare with me, his eyes glistening with fresh tears.
Okay, at this point him ignoring me was becoming downright rude and it was pissing me off something fierce. "YOU HAVE A BRAIN OF AN AVOCADO! FOR SHELL'S SAKE MIKEY, IF I MADE YOU UPSET THEN I'M SORRY, DAMN!" I released my frustrations in a rebuttal to him outright shunning and disregarding my presence. There was no reaction, he didn't even flinch.
I was steaming like a newly fresh baked pizza as I turned away from him and stomped off. At first, I was in an annoyed mood from him turning a blind eye to me, but now I was livid. If you knew me well enough, you'd know I loathed being brushed off like that.
If you did not wish to encourage my wrath, it would do you well to not dismiss me with silence. My brothers knew this all too well, so why did Mikey decide to ignore me? Shell if I knew, but it didn't matter in the grand scheme of things.
My plan hasn't changed, if Mikey wasn't going to spill the pepperonis on why he had been crying, then I didn't care and I was just going to leave him be and go get my pain pills.
Welp, time to visit the Brainiac and medical genius, so I could down the pills and then sleep off my throbbing aches and pains. Yet something felt very off about this whole situation. The air around me was bizarre and didn't feel quite right to me.
Not to mention just the very act of screaming at Mikey seemed to leave me even more exhausted. Whatever the shell had happened to me must have left me weaker than I thought. Because I had never felt this wiped in my life.
I trembled like a shaking leaf and searching for much needed air as I attempted to inhale. I soon came to regret this because when I tried, it felt as though I was choking, the best way to compare it would be to the sensation of drowning.
Okay, logical explanation to my predicament, Mikey was royally ticked off at me, I must have done something to make him burst into tears. That and I was going insane in the membrane. Great, yet another thing I had to have Donnie check me over for later.
Not only was I missing some memories, I was currently spiraling into a massive panic attack. Shell, it's been ages since I had one of those, well maybe not ages. The very last time I had an anxiety attack is when I was freaking out in space, and Professor Zayton Honeycutt had to slap me back to my senses.
"Donnie!" I let out a huff of exasperation as I leaned against the doorframe of his lab. Huh another strange thing, I could not feel my skin pressing against the doorway nor could I feel the doorway pressing back against my skin, for that matter.
That really got me on edge, I was now keenly aware and on high alert. Alarm bells were ringing inside my mind, what the shell was wrong with me? Was I fatally wounded or ill, just what the shell was going on with me?
Once again, my whole being felt like I was on fire, it was nothing short of feeling like I was roasting in an oven to become roasted Raph turtle calzone. Ew, that was a disgusting image.
Thank you so much, my dumbass shell for brain for coming up with that appealing imagery and thought for me. You're such a damn great big help, haha NO!
I leaned up more against the doorframe and stared into the lab, my gaze pinpointed Donatello. He was currently settled into his chair and lost in a plethora of large papers? Were those new inventions he was planning to work on? I didn't know and didn't want to know.
All I knew was that my nerves were fried, and my mental state was obliterated into tiny shards. Donnie was not turned towards me, instead I was presented with the sight of the back of his head and shell.
He didn't even bother turning around at the sound of my raspy and pained voice. And just like Mikey, he didn't even give me a passing glance or any indication he had heard me whatsoever.
"Donnie!"
My voice fell on deaf ears, no response again. Oh, for the love of Pizza Gyoza! What the shell does a turtle have to do to get some damn pain med around here? Bend over backwards, beg? Plead?
Well they weren't going to extract that out of me. I wasn't about to stoop that low. No way, no how was I going to get on my knees and beg for pain meds. I'd rather go without. But first I was going to let Donnie know how displeased I was, now I knew that I was being given the cold shoulder.
Frist Mikey ignored me staring at me with a gross and pathetic look on his face, as if I lashed out a bit him. Now Donnie too, just what the shell did I even do? What kind of fuck up had I done that would make my brothers act like this towards me.
Did they... did they hate me now? No, they couldn't hate me now, they could never hate me... right? "Seriously Don, could you at least tell me what the shell I did? What did I even do this time?!"
I felt myself growing steadily weaker and I struggled immensely to keep myself steady, so I didn't slip off of the door frame. I had to reach deep inside my stubbornness just to keep my strength up, so as not to fall flat on my face.
I suppose I was a damn glutton for punishment, because as I expressed my utter disdain my purple masked brother shot up into a stand and the palms of his hands plummeted down onto his desk.
A loud bang echoed through the lab. After a few moments of tense silence, I finally spoke up this time in a more subdued manner.
"Gee Don, if I pissed you off that much, why didn't you just say so? I'm sorry man..." I trailed off as he let out low whine of frustration and my eyes went as wide as the moon as I witnessed what came after that display of dismay.
In utter shell-shock Donnie let out another cry of dismay, but instead of it being low in volume, the cry was amped up and ridiculously loud. He swung his hands outwards and to the side, unceremoniously propelling the papers off of his desk.
He stood there, wide eyed, with dark bags under his eyes and he was panting in pure unbridled agitation. Never in my life had I ever seen Donnie this unhinged before, and to be honest it was kind of terrifying.
He honestly looked like a rabid animal. I was stunned into silence, not knowing what to make of the situation. I must have done something seriously repulsive if my presence was causing my brothers this much torment.
Not knowing what to do I let out a timid, strained and dry chuckle. "Donnie, please stop stealing my act. You know that furious and passionate outbursts are my gig."
I clenched my jaw tautly, I was really experiencing the brunt of the agony now. My entire being tremored with the vain effort I was exerting to keep myself propped up against the door frame. Speaking of which I still couldn't feel the wall against my skin.
"Raphael..." My name quietly slipped through Donnie's parted jaws, he sounded breathless after his eruptive fit of aggravation. I still had no idea what was going on, I was being kept in the dark and I hated it. Shell, it was about damn time he stopped ignoring me and actually speak with me.
That's what I thought was going to transpire, but no bread sticks or pizza slices because that's the opposite of what happened. I addressed him once again, surrendering to my crippling anguish and begged him for pain meds.
"Don-" I choked out arduously, this was followed by a pitiful whimper. I squeezed my eyes shut, why? Why did I hurt so damn much? This was the worst excruciating torment I had ever felt in my entire existence. "Donnie... I really need some p-pain meds please...I feel like... like my body is falling apart."
However, when my pleas went unanswered I let my emerald eyes snap open and I became aware of the astonishing realization Donnie was no longer at his desk. Out of the corners of my perceptively trained ninja eyes, I caught a faint glimpse of the tails of Donnie's mask pass me by.
Donnie had left me standing there in his lab, suffering from who knows what. All for something I didn't even fucking remember. He was honestly going to leave me to hang out and dry, wasn't he? All over a petty grudge that he and Mikey both shared against me.
"Well thank you so much Doctor Donnie! You have cured me and I feel SOOO much better now!" I hissed out icily, letting him know just how close he was to my boiling point.
But then Donnie froze in place, just only taking a few steps outside the lab. He glanced over his shoulder, looking right at me and I froze in place as well letting the look he was giving me sink in.
He appeared as if he were judging me silently, and his expression was a mirror image of Mikey's expression from earlier. His eyes were lackluster, dejected and exhausted, they had lost their color. His once ruby red eyes were now a muddy red-brown.
The iciness in my glare faded and I stared at him in discomfort and bewilderment. He turned away from me and slipped on over to the couch to plop down next to Mikey. He whispered something to our baby brother I could not understand because his voice was so soft and gentle.
He then patted Mikey on the shell and directed his gaze down to the floor. I was rendered gobsmacked, and I had a million questions racing in my mind and there were no answers to be found.
I forgot all about my pains and decided to sneak a peek at the papers Donnie had been observing, before he so crudely smacked them off and onto the floor. I desperately need answers, or my slow and crippling descent into madness would accelerate and consume me.
I cautiously made my way over to the scattered papers and stared down at them. This of course only gave me more questions than answers, all I could discern from this, is that the papers were once a map. I knew it was a map of Newyork City because the TCRI building and Shredder's old lair stood out like a sore thumb.
However, this map was unusual, there wasn't just buildings drawn onto these papers there were bright blood red 'x' marks on the map. As if to indicate they were locations that Donnie was searching.
Searching... but for what purpose? Was Donnie searching for someone or something? Oh, what the shell did it matter. I wasn't getting the answers I needed, this wasn't getting me nowhere.
WHAT THE SHELL WAS I MISSING?! WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE FAMOUS NINJA MASTERS DID I EVEN DO!? Why was everyone one ignoring me like I didn't even exist? Why did everyone look so grief-stricken and despondent?
I turned heel and marched out of the lab only to observe my older blue masked brother, Leonardo, proceed to enter the lair. His expression matched the expressions of our younger brothers. But he looked even more weary and worn than the other two, it was safe to bet and I'd bet my life on it, that he had been out all the live long night.
Surely Leo wouldn't ignore me, right? Even if our younger brothers were bitterly clinging to a grudge, he wouldn't do the same? I was not prepared for what came next. How was I to know the sudden soul crushing reason as to why my brothers were seemingly ignoring me?
Leo didn't even glance in my direction, he just wandered wearily over to the couch and joined Donnie and Mikey on it. It was then that our baby brother Mikey broke down into heart-wrenching sobs, as he rested his head and shoulder atop Leo's lap. Donnie and Leo acted accordingly and gently patted him on the back of the shell.
I reached my breaking point, I was done with this morbid little game of playing with my mind and emotions. They were not going to muddle with my emotions any longer. I was going to get answers and I was going to get them in that instant!
Obviously, I had caused them to suffer and I was determined to fix it. I would shove my apology down their damn throats, I didn't give a fuck if they liked it or not. Something had to give, something had to break and it was about to shatter.
I was about to shatter and it didn't take me long to fall apart, this was it. I had gone completely and utterly mental. I stomped over to them and placed myself right in the direction of the tv. The damn thing still wasn't on, yet they had all been gawking at it right before I moved in front of it, like it was the most interesting thing in the whole galaxy.
With all the strength and will power I had left to give I spoke out in bitterness, my own voice faltering with distress and heart ache. "I'm...I'm sorry...I... please whatever I did...I don't understand. Why are you all ignoring me? I'm right here in front of you. Please just say something...anything! I can't stand this silence anymore. Please just talk to me, I can make up for it I... I want to...I need to..."
Hysteria was closing in on me. My voice trembled with every word that left my mouth, and a sob caught inside of me. What had I done wrong? I hadn't been this close to a mental break down since I thought Leonardo was never going to wake up after the Kraang Invasion.
I was going to lose it, and my worse fear was seemingly coming to pass. They must hate me, they had to hate me there was no other rational explanation as to why they were acting like this in my presence.
The silence was paralyzing, they all gave me a desolate stare and not one of them spoke a word. I couldn't handle it anymore my dejectedness and my fury overpowered me with a surge of overwhelming authority.
I let out an odd noise, half of it was a sob and the other half of it was an odd choking sound. The air felt thick and suffocating as I yowled out like a primeval beast. "PLEASE! STOP THIS! PLEASE TALK TO ME! I'M FALLING APART! WHAT DID I DO?! PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE SHELL I DID! WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME?! DO YOU...DO YOU HATE ME?! PLEASE JUST-"
I gasped sharply and my body trembled uncontrollably, "JUST TELL ME WHY!" My foot came crashing down with an awful sounding stomp, and my hands clenched into fists before they flew up into the air over my head.
The fury, the sorrow and the foreboding thought of my family hating me tipped me over to the edge. I put all that I had into that last bellowing plea. I don't know what I expected to happen but I was not expecting what came next.
I heard a shatter behind me, and saw my brothers all gazing in shock and horror. I looked over my shoulder in a hasty turn of my head, only to see the TV split down the middle into two pieces, and the glass shattered haphazardly towards me.
My brothers all flinched and I froze in place, like I was a ninja who had been exposed. I shut my eyes and waited for the glass to rain down on me and cause me bodily harm. I embraced the fact that it would no doubt be painful, but I was already in sheer agony. How much worse could it get?
But it never came, I waited and waited with my eyes closed. I slowly cracked open an eyelid, only to learn I came out of that unscathed. What the shell just happened? What was going on? I let my gaze wander back towards my brothers, they were all staring at me in terror.
This had gone on far enough, I was long overdue for an explanation. I had enough of this twisted game, I was done playing it. I refused to participate anymore, if they hated me so damn badly I wanted them to at least say it. To confirm my worst fear, instead of keeping me in agony like this.
This game of ignoring Raphael was going to end and it was going to end now. I timidly reached out towards Leo. "What the shell is going on Le-" Unimaginable terror crashed down on me as I watched in utter horror as my hand, my transparent hand passed right through Leo's shoulder. "-o"
I stumbled back and stared wide eyed at my hands. I could see right through them. My vision blurred in one of my pupils and I felt like hyperventilating but I couldn't.
"It's been three months, Raphael. Where are you?" Leo's voice quivered, I could hear his breathing hitch, indicating a sob was caught in his throat.
Sense struck me like lightning, all the pieces of this morbid puzzle had come together in a sickening and macabre way. Mikey's break down, Donnie's ire and his maps, and Leo's look of crestfallen anguish.
I put it all together and felt like I was going to be sick, I knew now what they were searching for. Or rather whom they were searching for... they were searching for me.
The reason they were ignoring me, the reason why my pleas of desperation were going unheard, the reason they were so fatigued in appearance, the reason I was transparent, the reason the air felt like it was suffocating me every passing second, and the reason why my brothers could not see me... I came to the devastating, calamitous, and soul crushing veracity...
That I was dead.
Everything went numb.