A/N: Hey! If you don't know, I'm the author of the NCIS story "It's A Miracle." I just have to say that I have all but given up on it; I've learned my lesson about WIPs. But, if you liked it, and do want it continued, I could be motivated and helped over my writer's block by getting some votes on my poll on my profile. Head on over there and help me out, please! Anyway, on with THIS story! I've been writing and editing this one for a while (the perfectionist in me) and have only now gotten around to posting it. I know the descriptive-ness seems a bit long for the length of the scene, but just bare with me! This is what Maura is thinking during the "Sleepover" scene. I'm sorry if the "voice" doesn't sound right for her, I'm trying to get a feel of it. Forgive me, please, and enjoy! Constructive Criticism is welcome! Please, no haters, I'm new.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. *breaks out into tears* But I tell you… [Sniffs]…if I did! [Sniffs]…*incoherent tearful rant*
Maura saw Agent Dean out and turned to put away what he had delivered to her. As she turned to study the folder and find a place for it, she thought about him. He was cute! She smiled to herself as she thought about the muscles she could detect he had, despite his coat.
Oh, gosh, I hope I didn't seem too desperate, she reflected. After all, she was wearing a silk ruffled top that clung in the right place and tight, form-hugging pants. Cute, sexy, but not enough to be declared easy.
However, she countered herself, he did seem to be flirting back! She smiled as she finally set her folder down on a dresser. I wonder what Jane would say… she stopped. Jane. She thought about the brunette sitting in her guest bedroom. She thought about the brunette laying in her guest bedroom. Preferable next to her, or, better yet, in her arms. Smiling at her with that slightly crooked, yet oh-so-adorable, million-dollar smile. The one only Maura got to see.
No! Maura's face turns serious and she mentally shakes her head. She mustn't think about Jane like that. She's my best friend for goodness sake! She's here for the night, only the night!, because…because…
Her thoughts trailed off. Why was Jane here? Was it because she was weak, and wanted to run away from it all? No. Maura shot that down, that wasn't the woman she knew. Detective Rizzoli was the strongest, bravest, most courageous, beautiful, amazing…she flinched and shook herself mentally…woman that Doctor Isles knew.
Is it fear then? Maura had been told countless times, by countless people, that fear was not a weakness. If anything, fear and the act of overcoming it made you stronger. So, was it the fear of this crazy, psycho, escaped prisoner, who is intent upon kidnapping, torturing and, ultimately, killing her that drove Jane Rizzoli to the comfort of her best friend? That's logical, Maura reasoned, and she hoped that was it. She hated thinking of Jane as weak. It feels like she's betraying her, and she knows that it is an outright lie.
She hesitated outside the closed guest bedroom door for a second, to regain her positive attitude. She smiled, trying to rid herself of the thoughts and images that mostly consisted of the different ways she could "comfort" Jane in this time of trouble. Her smile faltered, though, when she thought Hoyt catching Jane and the brutal things her would do to her, not to mention what she would look like when Maura found her. She knocked.
There was a short pause, then, "Go away, I'm sleeping!" Maura chuckles then opens the door.
She paused for a moment, crossed the room and climbed into bed next to Jane. There was a silence as Maura got situated. She scooted toward Jane until their arms were touching.
"Is this a sleepover, or is this your way of telling me you're attracted to me," Jane joked.
Maura laughed, but turned away for a moment to regain her composure as her thoughts were screaming, It's the latter, Jane, the latter! She silently yells. He heart wants so desperately to shout, but her mind tells her not to; and she has always relied on her mind. Don't you know, can't you see? Use your detective skills and find this out! I love you. I love you, my Jane, Oh, gosh, if you only knew… She sighs.
"So it was Dean you were expecting." It was a statement, not a question.
Oh, God, she though. Jane was getting to her, apparently. How could I have been so stupid? Dean? Please! I'm lying in bed next to JANE! She falters in her response.
"H-he wanted my opinion on another case"
"What case?" Yes, Jane has always been able to see through me.
"I-I can't say."
"Fine, go sleep in your own room."
Maura sighs, "Jane."
Somewhere inside, Maura knew Jane was joking, but that didn't stop her brain from going off on her.
What have I done? Here I am, lying next to the most gorgeous woman I've ever met, which is as close as I'll get to her I suppose, and here I go, screwing things up, making her mad by not telling her the whole story, and now she wants to send me away!
Stop, she tells herself, that was sarcasm. You've known Jane long enough to know that is her preferred defense mechanism when she becomes uncomfortable.
Maura sighs. There's a pause, then suddenly, Jane asks, "Did you ever like the same guy as your best friend?"
Laughing internally, Maura replies "No." Dean and I aren't best friends and you aren't a guy.
"Did you ever have a best friend?"
"No." Not before you.
Jane's chuckling now. "You'd tell me if you were a cyborg, right?"
I'll play along. "No, I don't think I would."
Jane turns away, laughing. Gosh, she's so adorable when she laughs! Maura smiles at the sound. Well, I better play it straight, she resigns. Literally. She laughs inwardly at her own pun, I don't want Jane to really send me to my room!
"I'm not seeing him."
"Yet," replies Jane. What was that in her voice? A trace - just a hint - of something. Was it…was it sadness? Regret? She couldn't tell.
"Well, someone should, don't you think?"
There was a pause. Too long. What is she thinking? Finally, "Yup."
And there it was, the one word that brought reality crashing down around Maura. Nothing left to do now but play along.
"Should we draw straws?" There was no real emotion in the question, just whatever Maura could muster up out of nothing, which was about all she had left when it came to her hopes for a future with Jane. However, a small part of Maura, likely the part that held the minute hope she had left in this situation, registered the barely noticeable longer-than-normal pause. Maura was close to annoyed. Why is it taking her so long to answer simple questions?
"Couldn't we just show him our tits and let him decide?"
Maura couldn't help but laugh at the seriousness in Jane's voice. Hey, it's a hell of an excuse to see what Jane keeps hidden! She mentally slaps herself. Stop! What is wrong with me? Where is my filter? Oh, yea, Jane's in the room. Filter? What filter? The silently prides herself on her accurate use of sarcasm.
There's a noise from somewhere in the house. Maura watches Jane sit up suddenly, and sees the flash of pure terror in her best friend's eyes. Maura's reaction was impulsive, immediate, and almost surprising. She sits up and puts a comforting hand on Jane's arm.
"No, no, it's okay," she tries to reassure, "It's just Bass. Really, its okay" Jane looks into Maura's eyes and must have believed her, for she, albeit tensely, slowly, lies back down.
Maura follows suit, and, with one hand behind her, supporting her head, she thinks about what just happened. The feel of her hand on Jane's arm, even if it was just through Jane's jacket. She enjoyed that more than she should have.
But that's how it should be! We're so comfortable with each other! Why shouldn't it be?
She snaps back to reality as Jane says, "I've never been so scared in all my life." Maura sees Jane trying to laugh it off, but as they make eye contact, Maura sees the truth in those words. She sees the pain, the fear, the exhaustion, and the pleading in her eyes. She sees how tense Jane is, the high shoulders, and the stiff movements of her arms when she wrings her hands. She's rubbing the scars that Hoyt put there, not long enough ago, remembering. Maura wants so bad to help Jane forget about Hoyt. Forget about everything.
And before she can stop herself, Maura says, "Then let me help you."
"What?" Jane snaps, suddenly, almost harshly.
"I - uh - never mind. F-forget I said anything." Maura blushes and turns away, berating herself. Nice going, Maura, you've pushed her away. You've done something unforgivable. You tried to move first, and you overstepped the boundaries of the best friendship you've ever had! This is why you always let Jane move first, you never did anything she didn't do. She set the boundaries. Because you know, if you tried, you would cross that invisible line and lose the best friend, the only friend, you've ever had!
Tears of embarrassment and rejection threaten to spill and she stops her rambling mental rant. She sniffs.
"No I -" Jane starts. She sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose. The look on her face when Maura turns her head toward her tells Maura she is internally cursing herself. "I mean - what I meant to say was - How?"
Her voice was softer, and there was regret and sadness and resolve and…something. It was so small, Maura couldn't tell. Her insides churned as she tried not to speculate. But there she went anyway. Hope? Adoration? Love? Maura tried to shut it down, tried not to think about what that might mean. She turned her body toward the ceiling and her head toward Jane.
Jane turned toward Maura. "How?" she asked again, a little louder. The "something" was gone. This was a question.
"I…" Oh, gosh I can't believe I'm doing this. Okay, think of what Jane would do. She wouldn't back down. Not after already bringing it up. And I have to know… "Please, don't hate me, please…" Tears swelled again in Maura's eyes at the prospect. She turned all the way to face Jane, leaned in, closed her eyes, and pressed her lips to Jane's. She waited a moment. Nothing. She pulled back and quickly scrambled off the bed, stammering.
"I-I'm so sorry. I shou - I re-really shouldn't have. I-I'll just, I'll just go to my room and…"
"Wait!" Maura flinched at the suddenness, harshness, and volume of the word, her hand near the doorknob. She heard it again, this time softer and closer to her. "Wait." She felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned around.
So softly, it was as if she mouthed the words, Jane said, "I-I want your help." Maura, hardly daring to believe it said with tears still in her eyes, "What?"
Jane took a steadying breath and said again, louder, with more resolve, "I want - I said I want your help." It sounded like the truest words that Jane had ever spoken. Maura's eyes flicked to Jane's lips. Jane made a sudden movement and Maura reacted. Their lips crashed together and they made their way back toward the bed. What tomorrow would hold for them, Maura did not know. She just knew that she was going to do her best to provide a bit of comfort to Jane tonight, and she wasn't going to regret it.