Starring: Grell Sutcliff (Kuroshitsuji), Rena Ryuuguu (Higurashi), Yuki Nagato (The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya), Konata Izumi (Lucky Star), Train Heartnet (Black Cat), Edward Elric (Fullmetal Alchemist), Black Star (Soul Eater), L Lawliet (Death Note), Tobi (Naruto Shippuuden) and Monkey D. Luffy (One Piece).
WARNING: CONTAINS DEATH NOTE SPOILERS. Minor mentions of plotlines for Kuroshitsuji II and One Piece, but no spoilers for either. Contains yaoi and yuri references (eg MattMello, YukiMikuru) but nothing explicit. The very briefest of brief mentions, I swear.
A/N: This is the very cynical, sarcastic side of my split personality. And seemingly very lesbian. xD I exaggerated all my crude thoughts just for your entertainment, dear readers.
With the exception of professional hackers, I believe anime otakus spend the most time on the computer.
Why is that?
Well, either because they have the most to do when they log on (such as making fan comics, fanfiction, discussing anime on forums or reading manga/ watching episodes online), or they're antisocial, or they have no lives, or they've completely and earnestly dedicated their time to something they enjoy, or they're insomniacs.
Don't scratch any boxes, because all of the above applies to me.
Why, hello there. Allow me to introduce myself. Monochrome1994: the hyperactive, random-as-fuck comic artist with a split personality and a scary sense of humour, who spends most of her time with her mind in the gutter.
Well, the last part of the description applies to over half the world's adolescent population, so you can blithely ignore that.
.
That day, I had nothing to do.
Until bedtime, all I did that day was start the second series of an anime I'd been watching, which was Black Lagoon. I rated it a generous 9 out of 10 on because – truth be told – the fights were awesome, the animation was excellent and the girls were badass. Oh yes. Babes with guns, not to mention chainsaws and shuriken and cutlasses. Ooooh, and they were either in skimpy clothes or Lolita maid costumes. I think I'm in love.
Then, I replied to all my messages on deviantART. I had quite a lot today... particularly because of my new Death Note comic I'd recently posted. However, I wasn't motivated to draw, so I replied to my feedback and left.
I felt lonely, being unable to talk to my close friend Decorie over MSN, deviantART or Facebook. She'd gone to stay with her boyfriend Froggy for a week. Dandelion was also nowhere to be found, so I resorted to attempting to write a LuffyxSexy-girl fan fiction, which Decorie had requested from me recently. She'd just started reading the One Piece manga, and Luffy was her favourite character. No surprises huh? He's 'AWESOOOOME!' after all.
I think it was supposed to be LuffyxRena Ryuuguu, from Higurashi, but it ended up as LuffyxMikuru Asahina, from Haruhi. I really don't know how that happened, but I planned to make Rena show up for sure later, along with Kurumu Kurono from Rosario + Vampire. All Decorie's idea, of course. They're her favourite characters. Most of her favourites are girls with big boobs – not that I'm complaining... hehehe.
OK, I'll admit this now to avoid confusion later: I am a Luffy fangirl. I can't resist eccentricity. Hey! It's how I roll! But I'm not the type to get all jealous and possessive, though I DEFINITELY draw the line at OCxWhoever fanfiction. You know what I'm talking about, right? Or maybe I've just had one too many bad experiences of OCs muscling in on Matt and Mello. That aside, what I mean is, the idea of Luffy being molested by good-looking girls is just too funny for words.
NICE girls, I mean. Obviously.
Then I watched the newest episode of Kuroshitsuji II, like the rest of the otaku nation had taken to doing. Heck, did this series have a chuckload of sexual innuendo. Apparently, it didn't even relate to the manga. I hadn't read the manga, because only the first three volumes were available in the UK, and because of copyright infringement, all its content had been removed from various online-manga sites. Well, wasn't that just fucking perfect?
I could have cried watching episode 8. I was SO PISSED at Claude. Stupid Sebastian wannabe... I'd actually quite liked him at first, despite the lack in original personality, but now I was angry with him.
Hooray for Grell, though.
Hooray for the shinigami Grell Sutcliff with his flirty gayness and almighty chainsaw of DOOM! :D
Then YouTube videos. Lots and lots and lots of YouTube videos. Ranging from anime opening songs to fan flashes to South Park taking the piss out of YouTube stars.
Last but not least, the fan fiction.
I always checked for updates of MattxMello. Seme Matt and uke Mello preferably. Because if I was a dude, Mello would totally be my uke (insert evil raepface here). As long as I didn't get shot for my efforts.
Then yuri. Whatever I could think of. I liked Haruhi yuri a lot, didn't mind which pairing it was, particularly if it had Mikuru in it, though I'd say YukixMikuru was my favourite because it seemed the most fitting to the story and how they acted around each other. And in shonen, all the girls seem to be a little lesbian in some way... *cough*BLEACH*cough*. Not that I've ever read Bleach fan fiction. I'm just saying.
Humour was my favourite genre though. It was never a good idea to read Tragedy or Angst before bedtime. NEVER. Not unless you wanted to cry yourself to sleep. Well, unless you weren't going to go to sleep. But I was bored, and didn't feel like pulling an all-nighter this time.
Crossovers. How I loved One Piece crossovers. Seriously, just take someone awesome and full of win, put them on Luffy's ship and everything from then on is a land of sweets and joy and joyness...
(I really need to stop quoting Charlie the Unicorn. It's unhealthy.)
So, that was my day.
Completely anime-filled, as per usual.
At about one am, I finally decided to go to bed. I needed to get up at six to deliver papers, and it was going to be a bitch waking up. Sometimes, I slept straight through the alarm.
This was contradictory, because I slept light.
On account of the insomnia.
But hey, I have a split personality. One half's a nervous wreck that's up all night (nothing kinky implied... hehe...) and the other's a lazy bum.
Finding it difficult to sleep as usual, I rolled around in bed for a good hour, unable to drift off, and my thoughts kept wandering dangerously off in the direction of places it shouldn't go that time of night, such as whether Nami and Robin would make a good yuri couple. I really should have checked the archive before turning off my laptop. Ah well.
Snuggling underneath my Bart Simpson duvet cover, upside-down on the bed with my feet on the pillow, I eventually felt my eyelids droop closed...
.
"GAAAAAHHHHHH! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
My eyes immediately snapped open, bright light blinding me.
Ah, what a lovely way to wake up.
Disrupted from a fluffy, Totoro-like dream to the sound of my sister shrieking and throwing a hissy fit like she always did –
Hold on.
That wasn't my sister's voice.
But it was a very, very familiar voice.
I just couldn't work out who it belonged to.
Imagine my surprise when I discovered I happened to be standing in front of a urinal. For some weird, inexplicit, fucked-up reason, I had only just woken up and I was standing at a men's urinal. Where guys pissed. With my pants down.
Holy shit!
All of a sudden, I noticed a mirror above the urinal – how did I not notice it before? – and in that split glance, I figured it all out.
I had miraculously turned into a guy in my sleep and had slept-walked over to the men's bathroom, the nearest public WC being in the pub across the world – er, road...
Ha! Had I bollocks.
But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I mean, everyone suddenly turns into guys in the middle of the night, don't they? A very common phenomenon, really. I shouldn't have been surprised.
...Wait, I was male now?
It sunk in, very very slowly.
I looked down beyond my belt.
"No. Fucking. Way."
Whoa. My voice was so much deeeeeeeper. That felt good.
Then I looked back in the mirror to inspect myself. Oho! The first thing I noticed was my shock of silvery hair, reminiscent of Mono-chan. And it was long-ish, nearly chin-length, and sticking up. I could run my fingers through it! Yay. What a pity I wasn't ginger. Don't ask why. I like eccentricity, remember? On the other hand, I now had pretty pasty skin. I guess it was part of the package, demonic appearance and all.
I had a straight nose, I still had purple shadows under my eyes from lack of sleep, and when I grinned cheesily at the mirror my teeth were large and actually very even. However, as a trait from my female self, the incisors were much more pronounced, like a vampire. Hehehe. And I don't mean like a sparkly pixie – wait, that's an insult to pixies! – I mean like a PROPER, blood-sucking, flesh-ripping vampire. Just the way I liked them.
Something that amused me was that I was still wearing my green 1UP mushroom hoodie and dark jeans from the day before, and the hoodie clashed horribly with my oddly-coloured hair. I looked like Kadaj in an elf suit, no kidding.
And that was it. I was glad I wasn't a perfect little pretty-boy. I liked imperfection.
Wow, I looked good. I should have been born a man. Which I'd often found myself considering. Wouldn't have made a difference to which way I swung, seeing as I was bi. Hoo boy, I could do yaoi now! But no way was I taking it up the ass. I'd been classed 'Chibi Seme' as a girl (making me dominant, bitches!), and dammit, I was going to stay seme as a guy. Besides, I had a dick now, why not take advantage of that fact? Mwahahaha.
.
Zipping up my jeans (after confirming I WAS, in fact, naturally silver-haired), I turned round to stroll off to wherever in all my manly cockiness or whatever you wanted to call it, except –
WHAM.
– I was crashed into, headfirst, by the last person I expected to see.
Gasping from being slammed in the stomach, I sat up, and choked on my own spit.
"No way... LUFFY?"
The Monkey D. Luffy, the captain of the Straw Hat pirates, my favourite anime character, had knocked me – monochrome1994, one of the most mind-fucked cyber otakus to ever walk the earth – to the ground and was sprawled across my front. I think I died and went to heaven.
"Eh? Who are you?" he asked, unintentionally digging his elbow into my ribs as he bent over me to retrieve his hat.
OW.
OK, maybe being skinny wasn't all it was cracked up to be. That elbow hurt me a lot more than it would have my bouncy female self. But hey! He was a Rubber Man! His elbows weren't supposed to be so SHARP, surely?
"Ooof," I grunted. Oi. I'm ALLOWED to grunt today. It's called being MANLY. You can stop laughing now.
"Oh, my bad," Luffy said cheerfully, sitting up. Dang, I'd kind of enjoyed that, elbow-in-my-ribs aside.
NO! What was I thinking? I was DEFINITELY not a fan of One Piece yaoi! Especially with Luffy, and especially with Luffy as the uke! Because he REALLY does not strike me as the type to giggle and blush, or cross-dress, or have some big guy act stronger than him.
...Wait. Neither did Mello. Oh, who cares.
Besides, what Luffy thought of sex was a mystery I'd NEVER solve.
"Have we met before?" Luffy wondered aloud, tilting his head to the side.
Only in my dreams.
"Ah-nope," I replied, instead. A much more sensible answer.
However, my nonchalance was proving INCREDIBLY difficult, when all I wanted was to tackle-glomp him. Not in a fangirl – er, fanboy – way, just because he's my favourite character. And who wouldn't want to if they got to meet theirs?
"Yeah, didn't think I'd seen you before."
So why did you just say you had?
...I love you, you idiot.
"So what's your name?" he persisted.
"Oh, I'm—"
"LUUUU~FFY-KUUUUUU~N~~!" a flirtatious, sultry voice trilled seductively through the door.
Luffy paled.
I just gawped.
Who wouldn't? It was ONLY BLOODY GRELL SUTCLIFF STRIDING INTO THE MEN'S ROOM WIELDING A MASSIVE CHAINSAW!
AND LICKING HIS LIPS!
Kiradammit. Despite Grell's awesomeness, that'd give anyone a fucking heart attack.
"You!" I gasped. Partly in awe, partly in confusion, partly in fear. Mainly fear. That chainsaw was swinging WAY too close.
"Luffy-kun, I thought you weren't the type to run away from fights!" Grell laughed, gazing down at the paling captain with eyes like black holes. Like it was his mission to suck him in with no escape.
...No innuendo intended. UGH! Horrible, horrible mental images... damn you, brain!
"Sorry, gotta go!" Luffy shouted before bolting for the exit. For some reason, there was a fire door at the opposite side of the men's room. That had to be the luckiest bastard I'd ever met. And I meant that fondly. Sigh.
"Think you'll be able to get away, Straw-chan?" Grell called after him, running a tongue over his sharp teeth. For one horrifying second, he reminded me of Orochimaru. Both would have done well in the land of queers, but now was not the time to be thinking that.
I'm not sure how it happened, but one moment Grell was tossing back his long red hair enticingly, pouting – the next, he was right behind Luffy outside the fire exit door in the speed of light, digging his nails into Luffy's vest and bending down to put his mouth right next to his ear.
Oh no. He wouldn't –
He did.
"Luffy-kun, I wanna have your babies!" he crooned in a sing-song voice. And then licked the shell of Luffy's ear with that tongue of his as if to prove it.
"HOLY SHIT!" Luffy yelled and launched himself at the closed door faster than you could holler 'MEEEEEEEAT!'
CRUNCH. Bits of plaster and brick exploded around the wall where Luffy hurled himself through, coating a thoroughly surprised Grell in the debris.
Unfazed, Grell chased after him, slicing his whirring chainsaw through thin air manically as he went.
"LUFFY-KUN! YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY!" he cooed.
"STAY AWAY FROM ME!" Luffy shrieked in frustration.
"OH, BUT I FIND YOUR INDIFFERENCE IRRESISTABLE~~3! "
Like a moron, I just gaped after them as the groaning sound of walls collapsing echoed down the corridor.
Hold on a second! Was I just going to let two anime characters run away? Particularly if they were in my top ten? Never! Even if one of them was set on slicing the building to shreds!
Stumbling to my feet, I attempted marching up to the hole in the wall and running after them – and fell flat on my face.
Dammit! My feet had grown at least another two inches, and they'd been massive enough to begin with, but now they were heavier than I'd anticipated. How strange.
"Damn... how the hell is this building going to be fixed before it falls on top of us?' I mumbled into the floor.
.
"Leave that to me!" a young guy's voice announced earnestly.
Eh?
"Haaarrrrrrggg..." he huffed, as it he was straining his body...
I peeked out from underneath my bangs and did a double take.
"Edward... Elric? Holy, motherfucking..."
Indeed it was, though I couldn't see him that well through all the light that had burst out from the ground, shrouding him in a sort of glorified pose as he alchemically forced stone and plaster out of the earth, mixing with the debris strewn over the tiled floor, to fill in the cracks and gaps.
All I could do was ogle his handiwork for several seconds before turning to him and exclaiming: "The walls have turned pink!"
He flushed, and scowled at me. "A little glitch I admit, but it's not like it matters – "
"Oh no, buddy, I never saw that little glitch occur in the anime. 'Fess up."
"I... I have a fetish for the colour, OK?" he groaned, hiding his face in his hands.
I stared.
Did he, now.
"I-It's not what you think!" he growled, glaring at me through his blonde hair.
"How's Winry these days?" I asked innocently. I'd ignored his previous statement, because I wanted to keep everyone from FMA relatively heterosexual in my mind. FMA yaoi kind of pissed me off, worse than One Piece yaoi. Did I tell you I was incredibly picky as far as yaoi fans went? Well, you know now.
Edward squeaked.
I do not kid.
He actually squeaked.
Glowering at my grinning face, he blurted: "Fine! Why wouldn't she be? How would I know, anyway?" My grin widened at his babbling. I'd always liked EdxWinry. And I hadn't even completed the manga...
Or...
"Crap!" I suddenly exclaimed. "I've not finished Brotherhood yet! Don't talk! You'll spoiler me!"
I know, I knew it was a felony. I'd been an anime fan almost a whole year and a half, watched the original FMA series near the very beginning of my obsession, but as an otaku I should have been watching the episodes as it was ongoing! But I was too intent on catching up on other stuff... it just sort of slipped my mind...
"Uh," Edward mumbled, 'Okay... I guess..."
.
FLASH!
"Awesome! I got a shot of him!" a voice exclaimed, in devilish excitement.
Was that a phone?
Ah, so it was. My fears had been confirmed.
What I had not expected was for the phone to be in the hand of an eager Konata Izumi, her face a picture of mischief as he saved her official photo of Edward into her new phone. When it successfully downloaded, an alert emitted which sounded: "Mi-Mi-Miracle, Miku-run run!"
Satsified, she hoisted her official brigade leader armband up the sleeve of her Haruhi cosplay.
Lord, I thank you. I had been waiting for this day!
"A fellow otaku~!" I squealed, sounding incredibly camp with my masculine voice.
Then I stopped.
No. I was being an idiot. No, more than that... blasphemic!
To call myself...no, the almighty Kona-chan... a fellow otaku... it was an outrage! An insult! I wasn't even worthy to kiss the ground beneath her feet!
I fell to my knees and bowed deeply.
"I will forever remain loyal to you and only to you, and one day hope to follow you in your footsteps, Kona-chan-sensei-sama!" I announced earnestly, bowing my head in worship. It was kind of hilarious that we were still in the men's room. And the very same room had pink walls now.
"Er... sure, go ahead," Kona-chan said dubiously, looking at me with a sort of incredulous interest. My eyes probably looked all crazy right then.
Oh, did I mention my eyes looked rather demonic? Both now and as a female, though as a female, I wore glasses, and you couldn't really tell. Similar to the lead male of Lunar Legend: Tsukihime.
Excitedly, my eyes flicked back between Kona-chan and Edward. Back and forth, back and forth...
"What're you looking at?" Edward asked curiously.
"Edward, you're actually TALLER than her!"
When a vein popped in Edward's forehead, I realised what I'd just said.
Becoming a guy sure had made me tactless.
"YOU CALLIN' ME TINY? A PISQUEAK? A BEANSPROUT? DON'T CALL ME SMALL! I'LL POKE YOUR BRAINS OUT AND STICK THEM ON A PIKE!"
Was it just me, or did he sound more... violent than usual?
"I didn't even say those things!" I said quickly, waving my hands around in apology. "I was calling you tall!"
Edward stopped mid-rant and looked down. Through his hair, I saw his ear twitch comically.
"...Tall...?" he repeated, in quite a different voice.
"Um... well... sort of... I mean..."
"THAT'S THE NICEST THING ANYONE'S EVER SAID TO MEEEEE~!" Edward cried, tears of happiness running down his face.
All I could do was gaze in bewilderment as he ran over to me and started pumping my arm erratically in tearful gratitude.
"Er... well... you're welcome... I guess...could you stop that?" I suggested weakly as my arm was almost torn off its hinge.
.
"Probability of tissue damage in the muscle... sixty-four per cent," a monotonic, feminine voice uttered thoughtfully from the doorway.
Immediately, the room fell silent, and everyone's ears pricked up when another voice was heard.
"Nagato-san, I believe the number is closer to sixty-four-point-five percent," a calmer, more eccentric, masculine voice corrected her, sounding equally thoughtful. "Did you take the density of her skin type into account?"
"Affirmative," the calculating feminine voice replied, "however I am against your theory that it had remained the same since her unexplained change in gender, I believe it has become a degree tougher due to the testosterone, therefore lowering the possibility rate of damage to the muscle."
"I did take the change into account, however she is a lot thinner now and more susceptible to damage from attacks," the other voice countered.
Just as I was about to ask who was there, none other than Yuki Nagato, the humanoid interface, stepped round the corner, brushing her greyish-lilac bangs out of her eyes.
Who accompanied her, however, shocked me to the core, as he nonchalantly shuffled behind her with his back hunched and the tip of his thumb between his teeth.
"L!" Kona-chan gasped, whipping out her phone to take a dozen snaps of him. "And YUKI! Today must be my lucky day!"
Not for the last time that day, I gawked. Then the stream of words that spilled from my lips came out in disorientated stutters.
"L... but you... I mean, you... how – ?"
"I do sympathise, you must be incredibly confused. Allow me to explain myself," L cut me off calmly, chewing on his thumb as he hopped into a crouching position, right in front of me.
"I am not human. I am in fact Nagato-san's sensei and instructor, and I assigned her to the mission of accompanying Miss Suzumiya. That point aside... the Death Note only affects humans. While I was temporarily affected, I could have regenerated in a matter of hours, days at a stretch, except my body by then had already been cremated. I am designed with a backup programme for such measures, except the process to regenerate took me five whole years. Quite a setback, I must say. My mind and soul drifted aimlessly around a place I believe to be called MU, until around about the time Matt and Mello turned up, they told me what was going on. I left soon after, because I knew my body was ready to take me on again, and I could resume my mission.
"I do congratulate them and Near for their accomplishments. Without me, their combined efforts did in fact win them the game. I appeared before Light Yagami as he died. To truly convince him that he had lost. I do pity him, though, if he ends up in the same place I did... Matt and Mello got rather, er, clingy towards each other just before I left..."
...Well.
That explained a lot.
"Wait... won't Matt and Mello... come back?" I asked hesitantly. They HAD to come back! They were Matt and Mello! My thoughts wondered to certain other individuals... perhaps not the wisest to resurrect, in particular a certain serial killer, but... "Are ALL of the Wammy's inmates humanoid? Could the ones who've died be brought back?"
"Work it into your fanfiction somehow," L commented serenely, his black eyes twinkling mischievously. "I myself will return with Nagato-san to work, observing her prowess. She's grown immensely in the time I was away... wouldn't you agree, Nagato-san?" he added, smirking.
To my intense surprise, Yuki blushed slightly.
Eh?
"If you are talking about my involvement with Mikuru Asahina, then yes," Yuki mumbled, attempting to appear non-committed. With that, a huge smile cracked my face. Yuki and Mikuru? YES! This just got better and better. "And I would sincerely appreciate it if Eru-sama refrained from making such comments about my personal life," she continued, back to her monotone. I could sense a hidden warning in that statement.
"Request approved," L replied cheerfully. His fingers started twitching. "Curses. I just ate my last lollipop."
"You can always artificially create one from the glucose in your system," Yuki reminded him.
Oh, so was that the reason he never got fat? He used his own blood sugar to create his sweets, and then restored it once he ate them?
...That was kind of gross.
It was also one of the coolest things I'd ever heard.
"Teach me!" I pleaded.
"I'm sorry," L sighed dramatically, "but that information would be confidential."
"I guess you won't be getting any lollipops then," I retorted. "Seeing as you can't do it in front of me."
L twiddled his thumbs. "Hmm, that's true. What a shame. I am rather starting to crave them..."
.
"Did someone mention lollipops?" a mysterious, hilariously evil-sounding voice called gleefully.
It was Tobi who popped his head through the doorway, complete with black Akatsuki cloak and swirly orange mask, the appearance eerily similar to that of a lollipop, with two other individuals clutching an arm each as they stumbled to keep up with him. Those two individuals were, for some very weird reason, Rena Ryuuguu and Black Star. They were the last people I'd imagine hanging around Tobi.
"D'awwww! Tobi-kun's mask is so ADORABLE! ~~I want to take it hoooo~me with meeeee~~!" Rena squealed in happiness, stars in her eyes as she squeezed the ninja's arm almost visciously.
Hell, nothing surprised me anymore.
"H-hey, that hurts!" Tobi protested, still using his goofy voice.
Funny, I expected him to turn temporarily evil. Like Tobi tends to do.
"Ha! You think you're so big cuz you're in Akatsuki, huh?" Black Star's obnoxious voice piped up from beneath Tobi's other arm, reminding me of a turquoise fluffy plushie. "Be a man and fight me! One-on-one! Then we'll see who's superior! HUAHAHAHAAHA~~~!"
It took a certain type of personality to tolerate Black Star, and I was one of them. You either found him incredibly annoying or insanely funny, and because I'm the way I am, I think he's hilarious. He has a sort of Naruto complex, but on a whole other scale, being even more obnoxious, loudmouthed and a ninja assassin. He pwned Naruto's orange ass.
"You little... if I wasn't on a mission right now..." I heard Tobi mutter. Except, it was in a far darker tone of voice than his personality should allow. So, his true self was on the brink of coming forth.
"You're... on a mission?" I asked conversationally.
"Why yes!" Tobi replied, instantly back to his old, goofy self. "I'm on a mission to retrieve a Tailed Beast."
"...That so," I replied, eventually. Apparently, the Bijuu only went up to nine tails. And that was Naruto. The ten-tails would only appear when – hold on, I was getting ahead of myself. "And who might the Jinchuuriki be?"
"Monkey D. Luffy, the extremely rare ½ tailed monkey beast."
I mentally facepalmed.
Of course. Why did I expect any different?
(And it seems I'm STILL quoting Charlie the Unicorn.)
"No, I shall be the one to capture him! I, the great Black Star! Don't get cocky! He might be classed as a demonic soul! Therefore, I must be the one to defeat him!" Black Star declared, and broke out into a fit of laughter again.
.
BANG.
Everyone in the room jumped.
A figure stood in the fire exit doorway, opposite the new hole in the wall only inches to the right of Black Star's head, blowing on the tip of his smoking gun. He wore a cat bell round his neck, and had the Roman numeral 'XIII' tattooed on his chest... the mark of a Chronos Number. The gun held the emblazoned word 'Hades'. It could only be... the Black Cat. Ex-assassin, now a sweeper by choice.
"What's the bounty on that guy's head?" Train Heartnet smirked, expertly flipping his gun in midair and tucking it back in his holster.
I told you it wasn't the last time, because once again, I gaped.
It wasn't fair! I'd just finished the first series of Black Lagoon and my obsession with the art of gunfire had just come back to me! Now I was even more impressed.
"Last time I checked... three hundred million Beri," I piped up. I hadn't gotten round to reading past chapter 595 yet, but I was hoping that once I would, the amount would be raised even higher. "But... guns are useless against him," I added.
A vein popped in Train's forehead.
"Don't underestimate me!" he grinned, pointing a finger to nowhere in particular. "For I am – "
He stopped himself just in time.
Good thing really, we didn't need another Black Star boasting about his skills.
"Er... well... I'm not actually too sure where he went..." Edward mumbled, looking vaguely around the doorway that he'd reconstructed himself. "I was sent by Mustang –" Here he paused to mutter something darkly under his breath. "– to recruit him as a Rubber Alchemist for the military."
Well, that was never gonna happen.
"How strange," L interrupted thoughtfully. "Because I assigned Nagato-san the mission of observing him. He is another universal phenomenon like Suzumiya-san, but in a slightly different way... fate bends to his advantage almost naturally, rather than to his will."
That made more sense.
"He will be taken for extraction," Tobi shrugged.
"I will be the one to capture him!" Black Star snarled.
"No, I will!" Train insisted, glaring. "I don't know what Beri is worth in American dollars, but three hundred million is a lot in any country!"
"I wonder if he's adorable?" Rena mused, putting a finger to her lips in contemplation.
"I'm taking a picture of him for sure!" Kona-chan said excitedly, getting her phone at the ready.
Holy crap, everyone was after Luffy.
I wonder what Grell's reason was? Was it to take his soul?
Nah, probably just to jump his bones.
.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Luffy screamed as he hurled himself through the brand new fire exit door. The door exploded from the force, showering everyone in pink dust.
Right on cue, as usual.
"You – you – YOU IDIOT!" Edward spluttered, spitting out bits of plaster. "That was my best work!"
"Wait... shorty, have I been here before?" Luffy tilted his head sideways, puzzled.
"Yes," I answered, weakly.
"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SMALL?" Edward raged, ripping away his cloak to reveal his metal arm.
"AWESOOOOOME!" Luffy gasped, his eyes shining.
"Yeah, we'll see how awesome my power really is, you blockhead!" Edward snarled, forgetting all about Mustang's orders.
"Hoo boy," Tobi sighed. "Not good at all. I'll have to intervene."
Almost instantly, he appeared to vanish into thin air, in a swirl of warp-space.
A fraction of a second later, he appeared behind Luffy, ready to strike, except Luffy whirled round and punched him in his red-cloud stomach.
"Attacking from behind is dishonourable," Luffy informed him gravely, dusting himself down, as I whooped in the background. I liked my manly-sounding whoop, so sue me.
"Curses..." Tobi coughed, the sinister tone leaking through as he clutched himself, all balled up on the dirty floor. He'd had to solidify himself to attack, which is why Luffy managed to hit him. Then I noticed... his mask had slipped! If I just edged a little closer I would be able to see his face –
"IT'S MINE!" Rena squealed and leapt for the mask.
Oh, I guess that'd make things easier.
Quickly, Tobi adjusted his masked and leapt away, causing Rena to crash into a bewildered Luffy and send them both tumbling to the ground.
"Haauuuu~" Rena whimpered, rubbing her sore nose as she sat up. I had to resist the urge to run over to her and give her a kitty-like lick. (Hey, it's what Decorie and I would do! *meows innocently* :3) Then she noticed her white cap had fallen off. "Oh no, where did it go~?"
"You mean this?"
Luffy pointed to her white cap sitting atop his straw hat.
My immediate reaction was to howl and roll around on the floor laughing – or ROFLing, whichever you prefer – until I noticed the wide, shiny look Rena's eyes had taken on, and all of a sudden, I grew very wary indeed.
"Ooooooooh...!"
Rena's eyes filled with stars as she gazed adoringly at the picture in front of her, and in that same split second, she grabbed Luffy round the middle and squeezed him with all her might as she rubbed her cheek against Luffy's chest, practically purring in content.
"You're the most adorable thing I've ever SEEN! That's it, I'M TAKING YOU HOME WITH ME~!"
"What is the significance of that phrase, I wonder..." L mumbled against his thumb, chewing on the skin thoughtfully as Luffy started choking for air.
Being the useless, gaping idiot I was, I just stared, and contemplated whose position I longed to be in most: Rena's, or Luffy's? Ideas like these always found their ways of popping into my head. Damn them...
.
"LUFFY-KUUUUU~~N~!" a familiar voice echoed from the corridor, suspiciously close to the newly-formed tunnel in the wall.
"Oh shi—" Luffy spluttered, standing up so fast that Rena fell off his lap clumsily and ended up with her feet dangling inches above the ground and she still had her arms wound round his neck.
"Eeep!" she squeaked as Luffy hauled her on to her back unconsciously and swung his arms back, stretching.
"GOMU GOMU NO... " Luffy yelled, rearing back further.
"Ooooooooh...!" Kona-chan breathed, hoisting her phone at the ready.
"GAH!" Black Star shouted, pointing at him wildly. "That's not fair! He has some sort of freak power? So he IS a demon!" He excitedly pumped his muscles. "Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you have all been waiting for! The one, the only—"
"Is it possible that he has some sort of tao power?" Train cut across Black Star, flicking his gun up to aim at Luffy warily. "I've never seen one quite like this..."
"Hey! Don't interrupt me... er... Patty-Jacket!" the infuriated show-off raged, struggling to come up with something insulting.
Luffy's head whipped round instantly, his eyes wide, mouth grinning and nose upturned.
"Patties?" he repeated, distractedly. Eyes whirling round the room, they finally rested on Train's jacket, and he promptly swung his elasticated arms over to where his prize was.
No, he couldn't possibly –
OK, he did.
He snatched Train's meat patties straight off his jacket and crammed them in his mouth.
"Frank oo berry mush!" he mumbled around his mouthful.
"..."
The room was painfully silent as everyone peeked at Train, whose expression was hidden in a shadow. The small sound of a vein popping was heard, and I gulped.
This could not end well.
"Thank you for the food!" Luffy announced, almost solemnly, as he slapped his palms together in thanks with a blissful look on his face.
.
"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" Train howled, running at him and aiming to fire.
"Whoa!" Luffy gasped, backing up. "GOMU GOMU NO..." he hollered, stretching out his arms again.
In that moment, on a sheer impulse, I did something both very stupid and very awesome.
I rolled over and grabbed Luffy round the middle faster than he could bellow, "ROCKETOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and propelled himself, Rena and me through the hole in the wall, soaring over a very angry assassin and a shell-shocked Shinigami with a whirring chainsaw.
I tried to yell in shock, only ended up having my voice muffled by Rena's favourite dress. I was kind of pressing my face into the small of her back, and all this white was obscuring my vision. I'd have peacefully enjoyed the experience if it wasn't nearly suffocating me.
"Luffy-chan's rubber arms are so adorable! I wanna take them home with me~!" Rena sang, rubbing her face in a catlike way on one of his biceps as he ran, pumping his legs and arms as fast as they could go.
"AFTER THEM!" Kona-chan's devious voice echoed in a battle cry down the corridor. At first I was appalled at this apparent feature of very out-of-character behaviour, until I realised: she probably wanted to take the ultimate pic of a crowd of anime characters chasing each other.
"He's mine to finish!" Black Star insisted, raising weapon-form Tsubaki in a fighting stance.
"Stay out of this, kid!" Train growled. "He's gonna pay for stealing my meat patties! And that'll be when I collect his three-hundred-million bounty!"
"He can't go to prison yet! I need to smash his block off for CALLING ME SHORT!" Edward snapped, raising his hands in an alchemist's style for a seal. "Oh, and then to bring him to Mustang to register him as a Rubber Alchemist..."
"Not before I extract the ½ tailed monkey beast from his body," Tobi cut across him smoothly in a cold, emotionless tone. "I'm sure you can find use for his corpse afterwards. It'd probably still stretch pretty well."
"It shall be I to claim his soul!" Grell declared passionately, clutching his chest as he tossed his long, red hair backwards and parted his lips.
"Eru-sama, we must not let our subject accomplish anything irrational that would disrupt the flow of data," Yuki commented monotonously.
"I quite agree," L replied.
.
At a super-charged pace with their humanoid powers, they sparkled with electricity and shot after us at an impossible speed.
"GAAAAAH! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?" I tried to yelp around the cloth stifling my mouth, but Luffy cackled and hooted a mirthful laugh with a sort of hilarity as he sprinted into the dark abyss of the tunnel.
"LUFFY-KUUUUUU~~N!"
"I'M GONNA STRETCH YOUR ANATOMY AND WRAP IT ROUND YOUR HEAD!"
"GET BACK HERE AND PREPARE FOR AN ASS-WHIPPING, YOU RUBBER FREAK!"
Gathered in the midst of some of the most ultimately pwning, eccentric anime characters – instead of gaining a whole new variety of members for his crew aboard his ship, Luffy had successfully turned them all against him and were after either his soul, his body, his head on a silver platter, his bounty, his picture, his data link, his apparent Tailed Beast or his straw hat, that Rena was now trying on.
"Luffy's hat is so adoooooooowwwwable~~!" Rena mewled.
"I'll let you off this time, but don't make a habit of touching the hat!" Luffy called over his shoulder. "GOMU GOMU NOOOOOOOO..."
"Wait! Don't propel us into the darkness – !"
"...JEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTT ROCKEEEEEETTTTOOOOOOOO~!"
Wind whistled past, air flapping my cheeks and made my eyes water as we spun haphazardly into the swirling black shadows.
In my last moments, I wondered what I should do.
Raping either of them didn't sound like a very good idea, even in my head.
Even as a guy, a deliberately cruder one, my mind didn't linger for too long on that prospect. I was too humble, no matter what gender, and I didn't appreciate OC pairings with anime characters.
"NooooOOOOoooOOOOoooouuuu...!" I howled.
.
.
.
BANG
CRASH
AAAAARG!
When I came to, the carpet pressed uncomfortably into my nose with my Bart Simpson duvet tangled between my legs and a pillow over my head.
It took me a minute to register my location.
My bedroom...
I'd fallen out of bed...
It was only a dream, even though I'd pretty much expected it all along. Only in my dreams would I be a dude, and get to hug Luffy round the middle.
I really hated endings like this.
I groaned tiredly in annoyance, clutching the duvet round me tighter as I fumbled to get more comfy on the floor, not wanting to get up.
But it had been a pretty intense dream... surprisingly accurate and intricately detailed...
Nuzzling my nose against the carpet, I smelt a mixed dusky detergent/cookies scent, and was instantly reminded of Luffy for some reason. Maybe that's what his hair would smell like?
Don't blame me for sounding so stalkerish first thing in the morning. I was practically still asleep at this time.
I sighed in longing, wishing I was still dreaming and that I was a Kadaj look-alike and was hugging both Luffy and Rena from behind, in the midst of more awesome characters as Kona-chan took endless pictures.
Still in a blissful state of calm, not wanting to shift, I reached for my alarm clock to glance at the digital display.
And stared.
For the last time, I promise, because this little story ends here.
It was only freaking 8 am, and I was TWO HOURS late getting up to deliver papers. My happy bubble burst instantly.
.
Good morning star-shine, the Earth says hello.
.
"Fuck you, reality."
(The Umu has awoken! Run! *gets shot by Charlie the Unicorn* =.=)
Aaaaaaaaand we ended really crappily. Sorry. I'm half-asleep.
Hope your opinion of me hasn't changed TOO much.
Though that would be asking quite a lot of you, I know.
Your thoughts? :3
P.S. IF YOU DARE STEAL MY IDEA FOR A DN/HARUHI CROSSOVER YOU WILL BE HUNTED DOWN AND KILLED LIKE DOGS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
P.P.S. Yes. I plan to expand on that idea. In the not-too-distant future. :D