The Crappy Village

Disclaimer: We own nothing...God, we have to do this all over again!

A/N: We're back! And better then ever, with Book 2 of a Series of Queer Events! For now it is just me, Plot Murderer #2 as Plot Murderer #1 is writing his Crossover! Enjoy our story and please R &R! {And to The Baudelaire Orphan, we're brothers, I, Ploot Murderer #2 am the eldest and Plot Murderer #1 is younger by three years. We don't have Facebook but we'll have it eventually!

Enjoy!

Chapter 1, A Place to Live {that's not infested with mimes}

It was snowing quite hard in Lemony Snicket Land and Violet Baudelaire could see from the window of Mr. Poe's office at Fatass Money Management in the city. She looked over at her twelve year old brother, Klaus {who everyone called Chubs} he was very fat and loved to read…though he had been reading less and less since the evil hellishness that had occurred only a week ago. Chubs had been wrenched from the love of his life…as had Violet, true in her case she had only just found out that she loved him when he was taken away…fourteen year old hearts where indeed the most drama filled and overreacting. Violet herself, found the sudden misfortune to be a damper to her inventing skills to. Her inventing skills, which were usually so avid and useful in a way similar to MacGyver {The loser!}. And then there was Sunny, little baby

Sunny who was no more then a year old! She had been betrayed by her lover who was very old in years and was probably the dictionary definition of the word 'pedophile', Sunny usually loved to bite things with her mutant sharp teeth…but since the betrayal she had been unable to bite a thing.

And then of course…in September…her parents had been murdered…murdered by the very man who had betrayed Sunny, who then kidnapped their only two friends and stole away another…but she would not speak the betrayer's name…suffice it to say it that he was referred to as He Who Must Not Be Named and anyone who spoke his real name would be killed in a way worse then Flinders Pietre the III {Whoever that isJ}!

And so it was that the three Baudelaire orphans were sitting and waiting for Mr. Poe to return with there fate in his big meaty hands.

"I'm back chillens!" Mr. Poe said jubilantly as he marched into the office, his arms full of papers and Nilla Wafers {YUM!}, Mr. Poe was an old family friend of the Baudes and was now in charge of them and their finding a home. "I have sniffed," here he sniffed the floor, "out several potential homes for you!"

"Oh, indeed!" said Chubs, "It would be nice to live in an actual home!"

"Grickshni!" exclaimed Sunny, which meant, "Yes, perhaps living somewhere would ease my mad lust to kill!" "Well now," continued Mr. Poe, "Here are your options, #1. Indian Island,"

"What the hell is that?" asked Violet, "It's a seaside resort where mass murder is committed every weekend."

They declined the first choice.

"#2. Santa's Workshop, now I know it's getting close to Christmas and…"

"NO!"

"NEVER!"

"POPSHI!"

"Very well then, there is one more option {cough, cough, and cough}," I forgot to mention, Mr. Poe has bronchitis or some other mucus related disease, "The third option is, the Asshat Village of Blackbirds AKA, AVB!"

"Asshat Village of Blackbirds?" asked Violet incredulously {J!}, "What kind of a name is that?"

Mr. Poe seemed affronted, "It's the name they chose, now there is {cougity, cough} a rich elderly woman who lives in that village who is your mother's sisters, cousins, doctors, wives…"

{Several hours later}

"…cousin third times removed! She's practically your mother!"

"Mmmm…sure," said Violet, "I guess that's where we're going then!" "I quite agree!" agreed Chubs, "Pinki!" which meant, "It's better then nothing!"

So, a few days later, Mr. Poe loaded his young friends and the crap ass ugly luggage that his equally fat wife had purchased for the Baudes, onto a small plane which was to take them high in the Dandruff Mountains where the village of AVB was located.

It was snowing quite hard and the passengers {which were just the Baudes and Mr. Poe} had to be wrapped in heavy coats made out of chicken. "Yum!" proclaimed Sunny, which meant, "These coats taste good!" "So," Violet began to Mr. Poe, "Is the AVB airport crowded this time of year?" To which Mr. Poe replied, "What airport?" The children looked at Mr. Poe with expressions of horror as it dawned on them. Presently, Mr. Poe gave each of the orphans a parachute and wished them, "Toodel-o!" "Wait!" shouted Chubs just as they were about to jump, "I need no parachute! For I have my trusty wusty umbrella!" he pulled out an umbrella and jumped out of the plane, "I always knew he was crazy," sighed Violet, "Well bye-bye!" yelled Mr. Poe as he pushed the two female Baudelaires out of the plane.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"BY JOVE!"

"SASHAFOONATA!"

The three children screamed horribly as they fell through the cold swirling snow…down to there new lives.

A/N: So how'd you like it? I know, I suck at first chapters but I think this one isn't so bad! Of course, that's up for YOU to decide! Chapter 2 coming soon!