Summary: As a broken teenager Hisoka tries on multiple occasions to commit suicide but no matter what he cannot do it; is it just because of pure luck or is there something else at work here? R&R please!

Warnings: Probably a lot of OCCness, Shounen Ai, Mentions and attempts of suicide, swearing

Parings: Slight Hisoka/Tsuzuki, Forced!Muraki/Hisoka

Disclaimer: I don't own Yami no Matsuei or any of its characters (Though I wish I did)

Suicidal Tendencies

Today is the day, Hisoka Kurosaki thought as he felt the scratchy rope around his throat. Sighing in relief Hisoka took one more look around his ugly garage that he knew all of his life before jumping off the stool. But instead of being jerked back up by the rope like he expected Hisoka fell to the concrete floor instead. The rope had snapped and Hisoka punched the floor hard.
"Damn it, I don't have any more rope," He cried in frustration.

This, Hisoka's attempts as his only friend so affectionately called them,had started when Hisoka was twelve years old, the day he had lost all of the will to live. And yet in all the four years he had tried killing himself something always went wrong, always to the point where everyone in his life were no longer worried for him and even said that he was the luckiest person at staying alive.

For, when he had tried using a gun to end his life said gun had merely jammed on him and no matter how hard he threw it at the ground it wouldn't come loose. And even when he had thrown himself in front of a car all that had happened was that he had gotten a bruise on his hip considering the driver had only been going five miles an hour. Hell when he had had tried swallowing a whole bottle of pills it turned out the 'pills' had been nothing but white candy that his Father had decided to put in the aspirin bottle. Even that time last year when somebody had broke into Hisoka and his Father's small house and had fired at him; the bullet had missed by four feet!
"What was it this time? A hanging? Can't you be more creative than that?" asked Wakaba Kannuki, Hisoka's only friend, as she swept quite unexpectedly into the garage and took in Hisoka's situation quite quickly. "You should have at least stocked up on rope before you tried it," Wakaba added quite pleasantly. Hisoka got up from the floor, successfully snapped out of his pity party, and untied the now useless rope from around his neck.
"Shut up," Hisoka muttered.
"If you keep this up, you will run out of ways to kill yourself," Wakaba said, good naturally. "I mean last year when you tried slicing open your throat I thought you actually died but noooo, you didn't cut deep enough," Wakaba added.
"Just you watch Wakaba, I will kill myself eventually," Hisoka muttered.
"When? The day after never?" Wakaba asked dryly. Hisoka sighed, this time in annoyance. Probably, Hisoka thought darkly. "So you want to go get something to eat? Can't think suicidal thoughts on an empty stomach," Wakaba told him cheerfully.

"One of these days," Hisoka grumbled, but allowed himself to be dragged out into the night.

***

Today is the day, Hisoka thought two weeks after the hanging incident. He was now standing on the bridge rail looking down at the black ripples. There is no way in hell I cannot die this time, Hisoka thought happily. He had read in the newspaper just that morning about a girl his age who had committed suicide by jumping into a lake. Hisoka had automatically felt kinship with this unknown girl and decided to try it. What could possibly go wrong by drowning? Hisoka took a deep breath and was about to jump when a voice stopped his.
"You do know that it only comes up to five feet, right?" asked a pleasant male's voice. Hisoka fell off of the rail in surprise but quickly stood up only to spin around to see a man that looked a couple years older than him standing right in front of him. He looked like a complete nerd! Full image, what with the pin-striped pants that were pulled completely up over his belly button, a button up t-shirt, and sleeked-back brown hair. He even had glasses for God sakes, though these glasses were narrow unlike what most nerds wore.
"How did you know I was going to jump?" Hisoka asked. The man smiled and his glasses shone in the moonlight.
"Because no one would stand on the railing in the middle of the night just to look at the water, unless of course you're crazy," The man said. Hisoka glared at him and automatically hated him.
"What if I am crazy?" Hisoka asked.
"You are not crazy," The man said with certainly.
"How do you know?" Hisoka asked.
"Because I am still alive," The man said.
"What does that have to do with anything?" Hisoka asked.
"Crazy people usually kill whoever scares them," The man said, shrugging.
"Says who?" Hisoka asked, getting more annoyed by the second.
"Says me," The man said.
"Are you God?" Hisoka asked with sarcasm. The man laughed at him.
"What is your name?" The man asked suddenly.
"Sane people don't tell a stranger their names," Hisoka said.
"I'm Tsuzuki. Asato Tsuzuki," Tsuzuki informed him, pleasantly.
"Hisoka Kurosaki," Hisoka said automatically before realizing he had just gave away his name.
"'Reserved' huh? Cute name," Tsuzuki smiled brightly at him and despite his geekish appearance Hisoka couldn't help but blush for, just for a second, Tsuzuki looked quite handsome.

"Whatever," Hisoka finally muttered in order to hide his embarrassment, and, without saying another word to Tsuzuki, turned away and began to walk back home. Great, I'm still alive, Hisoka thought gloomily and, after giving into temptation, looked back to see if Tsuzuki was still there. He was not and Hisoka wondered how he had left so fast. Shaking his head Hisoka began to walk again into the night.

***

"Hisoka? Hisoka, wake up," called Wakaba's voice. Hisoka groaned and looked up to see his friend standing in front of him with her fists on her hips. It was the end of class which meant that he had just slept through it all. Sighing in annoyance, Hisoka stood up. Wakaba watched her friend with concern in her eyes as they began to walk out of the classroom.
"What happened last night?" Wakaba demanded.
"I tried killing myself again," Hisoka muttered. Wakaba snorted.
"What did you try this time?" She asked as if asking whether or not they should get ice cream.
"Drowning," Hisoka said.
"And?"
"And some idiot stopped me," Hisoka said. Damn him, if he just minded his own business I would be dead by now, Hisoka thought before realization struck, No wait that is wrong I would still be alive even without him interfering because the water only came up to five feet. At that moment Hisoka seriously wanted to scream.
"Really? Boy or girl?" Wakaba asked, interested.
"Boy… or rather a man," Hisoka told her grudgingly.
"Did you get his name?" Wakaba asked in a tone like she was asking if Hisoka had got his phone number.
"Asato Tsuzuki, I think it was," Hisoka muttered.
"Asato Tsuzuki? Now where have I heard that name before?" Wakaba muttered.
"You know him?" Hisoka asked.
"I don't think so, but I have heard that name before," Wakaba replied.
"Maybe he had gone to our school and you had read his name on one of the trophies?"
"That could be possible," Wakaba said, then looked side-ways at her friend. "Are you going to try it again?" Wakaba asked. Hisoka rolled his eyes; he was used to Wakaba's fast subject changes.
"Try what?" Hisoka asked.
"Drowning yourself, I mean technically something didn't go wrong this time, someone just stopped you," Wakaba said.
"It wouldn't of mattered even if Tsuzuki didn't interfere I would still be alive," Hisoka grumbled.
"Really, why?"
"Because the water was only five feet deep," Hisoka muttered, blushing in embarrassment. Wakaba burst out laughing so much that she had to clutch her stomach.
"Oh my God, you didn't even check the depth of the water?!" Wakaba asked, wiping tears from her eyes.
"Shut up," Hisoka muttered, grumpily. By this time they had reached the ice cream store.
"Well, let's go get ice cream for now, I think they still have mint chocolate chip," Wakaba said, grabbing Hisoka 's arm and steering him into the shop where a pair of eyes could no longer see him.

Today is the day, Hisoka thought as he stood on top of the school building. There is no way in hell I cannot die tonight, Hisoka thought with satisfaction. It had been only three days since the water incident and Hisoka had yet to see Tsuzuki again much to his happiness. I wonder if he really had gone to this school? Hisoka thought looking behind his at the dark rooftop before furiously shaking his head. Why the hell am I thinking of him when I am about ready to see my Mother? Hisoka asked himself. Slowly taking in his last breath Hisoka then jumped and fell through the air only to hit something very hard and very, very rough. Groaning Hisoka opened his eyes to see that he was lying face down on a tree branch.
"You got to be joking!" Hisoka yelled ignoring the pain from landing on the branch. To annoy him even more Hisoka heard laughter and when he looked down he was even more annoyed. Tsuzuki was right below his branch, laughing so hard that he was grabbing his stomach.
"You should at least look before you jump," Tsuzuki yelled up to his, wiping tears from his eyes.
"Shut up!" Hisoka yelled back, his face going red in embarrassment.
"You better come down unless you are going to try and jump again," Tsuzuki yelled up to him. Glaring daggers at Tsuzuki, Hisoka slowly inched down the tree.
"Cute ass," Tsuzuki called up at him causally. Hisoka jumped down then and glared at Tsuzuki, ignoring his last comment.
"Who the hell are you? Are you stalking me?" Hisoka demanded.
"I already told you my name is Asato Tsuzuki," Tsuzuki said. "And as for stalking you even if you are pretty I don't stalk anyone," Tsuzuki said.
"Then why were you here?" Hisoka asked while not so subtlety taking in Tsuzuki's appearance for he looked different tonight, what with a black, leather trench coat and black slacks toppled off with disarrayed brown hair and sleek looking black shoes. Even his glasses were missing tonight and Hisoka got his first actual viewing of Tsuzuki's eyes which to his shock was the color of violet. And in all honesty Hisoka was surprised that he had recognized Tsuzuki at all. Why did he look so pretty now? Hisoka wondered.
"Because I was just walking by from the counter store and saw you on top of the building," Tsuzuki said, his violet eyes almost looking like they glimmered in the almost full moon's light. Hisoka looked down and noticed for the first time that Tsuzuki was carrying a grocery bag. Okay so what if he wasn't following me, I still feel foolish, Hisoka thought.
"If you are so smart then how would you commit suicide?" Hisoka suddenly asked to take the attention off of himself. He didn't really expect him to answer so he was shocked when he did get one.
"Well there are many ways to kill yourself but I would try drowning though I suppose that wouldn't help you considering you already tried," Tsuzuki asked, grinning. Hisoka glared at him and turned around to leave when Tsuzuki suddenly grabbed his wrist and held it tight.

Hisoka automatically felt a terrible yet familiar panic in his stomach and instinctively swerved around and smacked Tsuzuki on the cheek. Tsuzuki immediately let go of Hisoka and put his hand on his stinging cheek though his eyes showed no hurt or confusion in them. Instead he just grinned.
"Sorry," Tsuzuki said.
"Don't ever grab me again," Hisoka said through his teeth.
"I already said I'm sorry," Tsuzuki said.
"What do you want?" Hisoka asked, backing up a step. Just because he looks nice doesn't mean he is not dangerous, Hisoka thought backing up another step, and here I am alone with him in the middle of the night. Laughing brought Hisoka out of his thoughts.
"What is so funny?" Hisoka asked.
"The look on your face just now," Tsuzuki explained through his laughter.
"You didn't answer my question," Hisoka reminded him glad that his voice was steady.
"Nothing really, I just want to have a little fun," Tsuzuki said.
"Well go have some fun with somebody else," Hisoka spat at him before turning around and all but running off. Tsuzuki watched him go with an angelic smirk on his face before turning in the opposite direction and walking down the street, dropping the grocery bag into the nearest trashcan.

***

"Wake up, sleepy head," Called Wakaba's voice. Doesn't this seem familiar? Hisoka thought as he lifted his head from his desk and looked into Wakaba's mismatched eyes.
"Not much sleep last night?" Wakaba asked.
"Nope," Hisoka said stretching. Wakaba sighed.
"What did you try this time?" Wakaba asked. Hisoka looked at her again, surprised by the tone of her voice.
"Jumping off a building," Hisoka said slowly. Wakaba made a clicking noise with her tongue.
"Aren't you getting tired of it?" Wakaba asked.
"Tired of what?" Hisoka asked in return not liking where this was going.
"Tired of trying to kill yourself and never doing it?" Wakaba asked, raising her hands in annoyance.
"Wakaba?" Hisoka asked.
"I don't want you to die, the only reason I allowed it to go on for so long is because you wanted it, but I think it is about time you stopped," Wakaba said, panting as if she had just ran a mile. Hisoka stood up and looked out the window where kids were quickly filing out of school.
"No one or nothing is going to take my life but me," Hisoka said, firmly. Wakaba sighed once more.
"How about a deal," Wakaba muttered.
"A deal?" Hisoka asked looking back at his friend. Wakaba nodded capturing her friend's green eyes with her own.
"If you don't kill yourself by the anniversary of your Mother's death you will not try to commit suicide ever again," Wakaba said.
"But that is tomorrow," Hisoka protested, annoyed that Wakaba was trying to rule his life.
"I know," Wakaba said. "But don't you think it is appropriate considering it was your mother's death that made you want to commit suicide in the first place?" Wakaba added. Hisoka glared at her but knew he she was right.
"Fine," Hisoka muttered annoyed at himself for giving in to the deal so easily. Wakaba grinned at her friend before giving him a hug.
"See you tomorrow," Wakaba said before leaving the classroom. Hisoka looked around the empty classroom then looked at the door that Wakaba had just gone through.
"Don't count on it," Hisoka muttered.

***

Today is the day, Hisoka thought as he turned on the engine of his car. There is no way in hell something can go wrong with suffocating, Hisoka thought as he breathed in the fumes of the gas coming into his window. Hisoka closed his eyes and waited to die. And, after about fifteen minutes of just sitting there and not suffocating, Hisoka opened his eyes and realized the gas had run out.
"You got to be kidding me!" Hisoka cried as he got out before checking the gas tank. Sure enough it was empty. Crying once more in frustration Hisoka left the garage and plopped down on the grass of his and his Father's front lawn, beginning to cry.
"Why can't I kill myself!?" Hisoka asked yelling to the world.
"God Hisoka, you stink," said a very familiar voice.
"I should have known," Hisoka muttered wiping his eyes as Tsuzuki walked up to him.
"Known what?" Tsuzuki asked innocently. He was wearing his glasses again but still had on that annoying looking trench coat and black slacks.
"That you would show up, you tend to show up every time I fail these days," Hisoka muttered.
"Ever wonder why you fail?" Tsuzuki asked, staring down at him with his hands in his pockets.
"No," Hisoka said, looking up at Tsuzuki.
"Maybe because someone doesn't want you to succeed," Tsuzuki said. Hisoka laughed, now that is ridiculous, Hisoka thought before looking into Tsuzuki's face. He was completely serious.
"You actually believe that?" Hisoka asked. Tsuzuki shrugged and a grin that Hisoka was beginning to get used to lit his face.
"Maybe, maybe not," Tsuzuki said. "What matters is what you believe," Tsuzuki added.

"What I believe huh?" Hisoka muttered looking down again. Tsuzuki shifted his weight still looking down at Hisoka.
"How did it happen? Why do you want to commit suicide?" Tsuzuki asked. Hisoka's head shot up and he gave Tsuzuki a tear-stained glare.
"None of your business," Hisoka hissed. A corner of Tsuzuki's mouth lifted in a lope-sided smile but he did not say anything. Hisoka glared at him for a little longer and then adverted his gaze once more.
"I was raped," Hisoka muttered.
"That is not the only thing that happened though was it?" Tsuzuki asked.
"My mother was killed," Hisoka said.
"Same day," Tsuzuki said, stating it more than questioning it.
"Yes," Hisoka said so tired he was no longer surprised at anything Tsuzuki said anymore.
"Same person," Tsuzuki muttered. Hisoka merely nodded.
"Why?" Tsuzuki asked.
"Because I turned him down," Hisoka muttered.
"Who?" Tsuzuki asked. Hisoka looked back up at him.
"Muraki," Hisoka said putting his head down.
"You turned him down?" Tsuzuki asked.
"For a date," Hisoka said then laughed a little shakily. "Stupid, huh? Get turned down for a date by another boy who you happen to like and take revenge by raping him and then killing his Mother," Hisoka said.
"Stupid yes, but committing suicide won't change the past," Tsuzuki said.
"My Mom came home at the end, he had me tied down to my bed, and he got scared so he shot her," Hisoka said either not hearing Tsuzuki or just ignoring him. "She died two days later in the hospital with both me and my Dad at her side, and then Muraki got charged with 2nd degree murder and rape…" Hisoka said.
"And then you began to try and commit suicide because you think that of you had gone out with Muraki none of this would have happened?" Tsuzuki asked in conclusion. Hisoka nodded then stood up brushing off his pants.
"Yes, and now I need to try again otherwise I won't be able to kill myself anymore," Hisoka said.
"Why?" Tsuzuki asked.
"I promised my friend that if I don't kill myself by my mother's anniversary which just so happens to be tomorrow then I would stop trying," Hisoka said.
"And you are going to obey this friend of yours?" Tsuzuki asked, scoffing.
"I keep my promises," Hisoka snapped before turning his back to Tsuzuki. "Now if you will excuse me I need to do this," Hisoka said.
"Do what? Go to bed? Because that is all you can do," Tsuzuki said. Hisoka turned around to face him a frown on his face.
"What are you talking about?" Hisoka asked.
"You've tried everything, haven't you?" Tsuzuki asked.
"What?" Hisoka asked.
"Every way you can think of to kill yourself," Tsuzuki said.
"I have not!" Hisoka yelled. Tsuzuki merely stared at his for a while through his narrow-rimmed glasses, those violet eyes eerie looking enough to make Hisoka shiver.
"Then tell me how you are going to kill yourself this time," Tsuzuki whispered. Hisoka gaped at him and thought for a while. He could not come up with anything.
"Fine, you are right," Hisoka conceded.
"What are you going to do now?" Tsuzuki asked. It was Hisoka's turn to stare at him.
"Aren't you going to tell me? You seem to know everything already," Hisoka muttered. Tsuzuki grinned at him before suddenly leaning forward to kiss Hisoka on the forehead.
"For now just go to bed," Tsuzuki whispered. "And take a bath," he added quite pleasantly before turning around and began to walk away. Hisoka blushed and felt his forehead before glaring at Tsuzuki's back.
"What are you God?" Hisoka asked. Tsuzuki stopped and turned around.
"Close enough," Tsuzuki called back to him before turning around once more and leaving without a backwards glance. Hisoka watched as he disappeared and then sighed before walking into the silent house. I hate this, Hisoka thought as he stripped and put on his nightclothes. I hate having to choose.

Hisoka stood in front of his Mother's grave and stared lovingly at the tombstone.

"I am here, Mother," Hisoka said getting down on his knees and putting the bouquet of flowers on her tombstone.
"How have you been? I have been fine even if I am still not with you," Hisoka muttered looking at the writing on the tombstone.

Sakura Kurosaki
1965-2000
A good wife and an even better Mother

"Wakaba forced me into this deal where if I didn't commit suicide by today I wouldn't try it anymore so I guess I won't see you for a while Mom," Hisoka muttered, sadly before getting to his feet. "You know, I made a new friend," Hisoka said to the tombstone, "In fact he seems to know quite a lot about me and at first I was freaked out about it but then it seemed kind of nice," Hisoka said, looking up at the sky dreamily. "He even kissed me on my forehead last night and you know after what Muraki put me through I shouldn't like such an intimate touch but you know mom… I kinda did like it but… only a little," Hisoka said, and then giggled. "And guess what his name is, its-" Hisoka began.
"Hisoka!" Tsuzuki yelled suddenly. Hisoka spun around.
"-Tsuzuki," Hisoka completed the sentence before running in the direction of Tsuzuki's voice.
"Tsuzuki! Where are you?" Hisoka yelled out to the empty graveyard as he rounded a corner before stopping and looked down at the tombstone nearest his. Hisoka's legs buckled as he read what was on the tombstone and he fell in front of it, shaking in disbelief.
"No way," Hisoka said, looking at the tombstone again to make sure it was true.

Asato Tsuzuki

1979-2000
Gone, but not Forgotten

Hisoka felt sick and had to use all of his willpower not to throw up. Calm down Hisoka, you don't know if this is the same Tsuzuki or not, Hisoka thought, but somewhere inside him he knew that it was the same Tsuzuki. But if that was true then what exactly was Tsuzuki? A ghost? That couldn't be possible, Hisoka thought.
"Oh… Hello," Said a female's voice from Hisoka's left. Hisoka looked up quickly to see a woman that was in her late fifties to early sixties but looked like she was much older for she looked quite dead what with her skin being an interesting tint of gray while her face was full wrinkles and her dry gray hair was sweep back into two pins to hover at the crook of her neck. Hisoka could tell that she was pretty once upon a time but those days were far over.
"Hello," Hisoka said at last. The lady stared at his through eerie violet eyes that had long ago lost their luster and looked faded like the rest of her. Then her eyes swept over to the grave Hisoka was kneeling at.
"Did you know my Tsuzuki?" The Lady asked.
"Y-Yes?" Hisoka said.
"My poor baby boy," Tsuzuki's Mother muttered under her breath.
"U-Ummm, excuse me?" Hisoka said.
"Yes?" Tsuzuki's Mother asked. Hisoka swallowed, he really didn't want to ask but he had to know, he just had to.
"How did he die?" Hisoka asked and watched the women's face crumbled into tears.
"He drowned, dear, it was a terrible accident. He went to a summer home we used to own to get away for a while and fell into the water," Tsuzuki's Mother said, sadly through her tears. Something caught in Hisoka's throat and all he could do was stand up and hug a complete stranger, who broke down in his arms.
They stood there for what seemed like hours but could only have been a few minutes and finally Tsuzuki's Mother broke out of the embrace to put flowers on Tsuzuki's grave.
"What day was it?" Hisoka asked. Tsuzuki's Mother looked up at him sadly.
"Today," Tsuzuki's Mother said. Hisoka nodded once more and then quickly said his goodbyes before going numbly to his car. Slowly getting in, Hisoka quietly sat there and stared at the graveyard.

'Well there are many ways to kill yourself but I would try drowning.'

"He wasn't in an accident, he committed suicide," Hisoka whispered to the still air as a solitary tear found a path down his cheek. Faded laughter that sounded so familiar reached his ears then and Hisoka bit his lip before starting the car to go home.