Author's note: Oh God what is this I don't even
WARNING! This is some serious crack right here. It is cringeworthy and should never, ever have been written. Don't read it. You will not enjoy it. Your eyes may literally melt into puddles of seething goop whilst reading if you're sensitive to this kind of thing. Personally, I suffered three brain hemorrhages in a row whilst typing it. My keyboard is covered in blood.
If you're still reading, I accept no responsibility for any scarring (physical or mental) that you may experience as a direct result of this fic. And I'm sorry.
So very, very sorry.
Jimmy Hopkins was in trouble. Again.
It wasn't like he'd meant to smash the trophy cabinet. He'd just been riding his skateboard along the hallway and slipped, you see. And yeah, okay, skateboards weren't exactly allowed indoors. But, uh, well...
...Okay, he had no excuse for that one. And he kind of thought that Crabblesnitch would be a lot more pissed about the smashed-up cabinet, anyway. Hopefully he wasn't going to be mad enough for expulsion to be an option, but with the way Jimmy's luck had been going lately...
Dammit. He was totally, totally screwed.
Jimmy was thankfully spared any further thoughts on the matter by the sudden appearance of Miss Danvers looming over him, sniffing haughtily. "The headmaster will see you now, Hopkins."
"Great," he muttered, his shoulders slumping defeatedly as he walked into the principal's office. "Really great."
"Ah, James." Dr. Crabblesnitch was sitting at his desk, and looked predictably annoyed to see him. "Causing trouble yet again?"
"It's a talent."
"What?"
"I said, uh, it was an accident." Jimmy sat down opposite Crabblesnitch and folded his arms defensively. "Breaking the cabinet. I didn't do it on purpose."
"It's not a question of whether you did it deliberately, Hopkins." The headmaster got to his feet and began pacing the length of the office. "How many times have you been summoned to my office for fighting? For cheeking the staff? For acts of mindless vandalism and vulgarity?"
Jimmy attempted to mentally calculate the answer, but lost count after about thirty or so. Numbers were never his strongest suit. Anyway, Crabblesnitch was still talking.
..."You have proven yourself time and again to be nothing but a troublemaker. A ruffian. Someone who takes pride in his own delinquency!" He stopped walking directly in front of Jimmy. "You are, in fact, a naughty little boy. Do you know what we do to naughty boys in this school, Hopkins?"
"Er."
"We punish them," Crabblesnitch continued, resuming his pacing. "But we've tried that, haven't we? Being lectured has no effect; neither does making you write lines. I have given you detention after detention, and nothing seems to work."
Jimmy rolled his eyes. Of course they didn't work! Bullworth detentions were hardly the worst he'd ever experienced. Hell, riding around on the mower cutting the grass was actually kind of fun - especially if he imagined that he was driving it over certain psychotic scar-faced jerks as he did so. Heh.
"Well, young Hopkins," Dr. Crabblesnitch purred, "It seems like traditional methods of discipline just don't work on you. I'm going to instil some good moral fibre in you, boy... With my penis."
It took a few seconds for the sentence to actually sink into Jimmy's brain. Wait, what?
The boy's mouth dropped open in a mixture of surprise and horror, which was unfortunate as the headmaster chose that very moment to lunge forward and kiss him. As Crabblesnitch's tongue explored Jimmy's mouth the boy's initial squawks of protest quickly turned to moans of encouragement, because this is a terrible piece of fanfiction and that's just how things work around here.
"Oh, God!" Jimmy gasped, his heart fluttering madly as he rapidly became more and more out-of-character. "Take me! Take me here and now, on your desk!"
"Ah ah," Crabblesnitch frowned. "Pardon...?"
Jimmy paused for a second. His clothes also chose that very moment to spontaneously fall off. "Oh, right. Sorry. Take me now, sir."
"Very good. I'll be back in a moment, my dear little squinty-faced freckly snugglemuffin. I need to go and retrieve my French maid outfit."
"No need for that, my dear headmaster," Miss Danvers simpered as she reappeared inside the office from apparently nowhere and newly clothed in a PVC dominatrix outfit. "I brought it for you. Here."
"Excellent!" Crabblesnitch began pulling on his fishnet stockings. "You are good to me, Miss Danvers."
The secretary fluttered her eyelashes demurely. "If only there was a way I could be more good to you..."
"Yes, yes. Sod off, I'm trying to shag some obedience into young Jimmy," Crabblesnitch grumbled as he struggled with his outfit. "Damn it all, why are these little frilly skirts so hard to put on?!"
After it was over - many hours of passionate and amazing lovemaking later, obviously - the two of them began to reluctantly put on their clothes.
"Well, Hopkins?" Crabblesnitch adjusted his tie primly. "I hope my message has... sunk in. Do you think you'll be misbehaving as much in the future?"
"That depends," Jimmy said. "Are the rewards for being good as ridiculously sexual and awesome as the punishments for being bad?"
"Why, you little scamp!" laughed the headmaster, slapping Jimmy's backside as he shooed the boy from his office. "You'll just have to wait and see, won't you?"
Miss Danvers raised her hand to stop Crabblesnitch before he followed Jimmy out into the halls. "One moment, headmaster! These two boys have been sent here for fighting in class. What would you like me to do with them?"
Crabblesnitch looked down at the two boys disapprovingly. One of them - the smaller of the two - seemed suitably contrite. His pink shirt was clearly an infraction of the school dress code, though, so his innocent appearance was obviously deceptive. His partner in crime merely glared up at the headmaster, the scar over one of his eyes broadcasting that he was probably used to fighting and getting in trouble. Clearly, this was another extremely naughty boy. "Tsk, tsk. Leave them to me, Miss Danvers. I know exactly how to deal with pupils like these."
Ah, a headmaster's work was never done...
Author's note (AGAIN): I warned you. :B
Partial blame goes to benjiiii and BananiBrot from DA, who promised/threatened to review/draw this, respectively. XD Original, er, "inspiration" is at my DA account (you'll need to remove the spaces): delicious-poundcake. deviantart. com/ art/ Fanfiction-FTW-145577370