There's a little girl trembling on a cold December morn
Crying for momma's arms
At an orphanage just outside a little China town
There the forgotten are
But half a world away I hang the stockings by the fire
And dream about the day when I can finally call you mine
Another childless Christmas. Her arms were empty once again. How long was she expected to deal with this? Live with this?
She was spending another holiday season going through the motions it required. She attended family parties, friends' parties, acquaintances' parties, company parties. The whole time she was saying the right things and nodding at the right times, always with a smile on her face.
But inside she was crying. Crying because once again she was no one's mother. And each time a family member or business associate told her how lucky she was that she didn't have to squeeze in the madness that was Toys 'R Us or Kay-Bees or the school Christmas program or finding gifts for teachers, she felt like they were stabbing her in the heart.
She wanted to yell and scream at them, but they weren't at fault. She was the one who had decided not to tell anyone about their struggles with infertility. Her husband hadn't wanted to broadcast it to the world just to their loved ones, but she wouldn't even allow that. She had fought hard over the years for her loved ones to see her as more than just the difficult one, the spoiled one, the poor unwanted one, the stubborn one, the ungrateful one, the immature one. She didn't want one person thinking poor of her. Instead everyone thought she and her husband had chosen to remain childless, when that was far, far from the truth.
It's Christmas time again but you're not home
Your family is here and yet you're somewhere else alone
And so tonight I pray that God will come and hold you in
His arms
And tell you from my heart I wish you Merry Christmas
As I hang the tinsel on the tree and watch the twinkling lights
I'm warmed by the fire's glow
Outside the children tumble in a wonderland of white,
Make angels in the snow
But half a world away you try your best to fight the tears
And hope that heaven's angels come to carry you here
She thought it would be easier this Christmas. They had dealt with their undiagnosed infertility issues. They had mourned the loss of the biological children they would never have. They had researched and read all about adoption. Ultimately, they had decided to adopt from China. To bring a baby girl home from China. They had had visits with social workers, gotten fingerprinted, filled out mounds of paperwork, and then finally sent everything to China. And now they waited.
They were waiting for their adoption agency to call them to tell them they were finally parents. She had poured over baby name books. She had scoured the Internet for names. On her lunch breaks, she would find herself in baby stores buying one cute outfit after another. She had thrust herself fully into decorating the nursery. The Peter Rabbit theme had been an easy one to choose. It was the book she had ripped out of her husband's hands when they had first met, all those years ago.
But the wait was slowly driving her crazy. She had too much time to think. Wonder. Why were they in this position? Was it because of her younger self? The one who liked to create havoc where ever she went. The one who drama followed around like a shadow.
Or was it because she had given her body so freely, yet only gave her heart and soul to her best friend? Was he being punished because she had been too stupid to realize that the one she was looking for was right in front of her face? The one she searched for was the man who held her and
comforted her as she cried about why no man truly loved
her, beginning with her father.
Her love had assured her this had nothing to do with their past deeds or their blindness to the true love they had for each other all along. His pragmatic self told her that without their infertility problems, they might never have considered adopting from China, where their baby girl now waited for them.
She agreed with his assessment, but that just started a whole new set of issues rolling around in her head. Her baby girl laid in a crib with four or five other babies on the other side of the world. Her baby girl was learning not to cry when the toddlers and older children in the orphanage hit her because there was no one to comfort her when she did. There weren't enough nannies and workers to attend to her every want or need. So right now as she stood in her daughter's nursery equipped with every toy, every baby paraphernalia known to mankind, her daughter was learning to only depend on herself because there was no one else.
With tears streaming down her face, she prayed like she had never prayed before that God would protect her little girl and somehow let her know that her mommy and daddy loved her, wanted her, and were coming to get her as soon as possible. Next Christmas, her baby would be secure in her arms. She had to believe that. She had to.
It's Christmas time again but you're not home Christmas is a time to celebrate the Holy Child
Your family is here and yet you're somewhere else alone
And so tonight I pray that God will come and hold you in his arms
And tell you from my heart I wish you Merry Christmas
And we celebrate His perfect gift of love
He came to earth to give His life
And prepare a place for us
So we could have a home with Him above
He woke up alone and instantly knew where she would be. He sensed her like he always had from the moment they'd first met. Climbing out of the warm bed with only his drawstring Santa printed pajama bottoms on, he stretched and headed for the stairs.
And just as he imagined, he found them and the sight stole his breath away. With the white, green, blue, multi-color blinking Christmas lights illuminating them, he saw his wife holding their sleeping baby girl in her arms. Madonna and child.
Gently pushing his wife forward, he sat behind them with his back against the sofa, holding the two most precious gifts he had ever been entrusted with in his arms.
"I knew it wouldn't take you long to miss us," she said softly. "Though it did take you longer than usual."
"Baby, I missed you from the moment you left our bed. It's been like that since the first time we shared a bed," he replied truthfully.
She nodded.
"I think I was in a daze that I wasn't on the edge of the bed, with feet or arms poking me, and no blankets on top of me. Who knew a parent could inherit their child's horrendous sleeping habits?"
"You wouldn't have it any other way," she laughed.
"Damn straight!"
His favorite Christmas memories had been of his parents, grandmother, siblings, their spouses and children, aunts, uncles, cousins all gathered together enjoying food, gifts, laughter, memories, and each other. But those favorite moments had now been replaced by this one. Watching the rise of the dawn of his daughter's first Christmas, his first Christmas as a dad, his wife's as a mom, and their first Christmas as a family, snugly wrapped in each other's arms.
In a few short hours, it would be his daughter who would be
ahhed and awweed over as he and his beloved basked in the compliments of what a magnificent child she was.
This Christmas their arms would be empty again, but this time because their ten-month-old black haired, almond-shaped eyed daughter with to-die-for brown eyes was being passed from family member to family member. This was the greatest Christmas ever.
"It sure is," his wife murmured.
"I hate when you do that," he informed her.
"I can't help it if I have the unique ability to read your mind. Maybe walking through those pre-school doors gave us each magical powers over each other."
Maybe so, he thought. Maybe so. All he knew was walking through those doors of Kentwood Christian Pre-School forever changed his life because it was there he first met his best friend, greatest confidante, and the woman of his dreams. "I love you, Samantha Grace Whitmore Marshall."
"I love you, too, Adam Charles Marshall."
"And we love you, Sasha Grace Whitmore Marshall," the couple whispered in unison to their precious baby girl.
It's Christmas time again and now you're home
Your family is here so you will never be alone
So tonight before you go to sleep, I'll hold you in my arms
And I'll tell you from my heart, and I'll tell you from my heart
I wish you Merry Christmas