Disclaimer: I own none of it! Only the Holy iPod.
A/N: Okay, this is a really stupid story I wrote a while back, involving Hermione Granger, Synyster Gates, Michael Vick, Miley Cyrus, Barney the Dinosaur and Lala the Teletubby all searching for a Holy iPod, stolen by Lord Voldemort. If you like it, review! If you don't, I shall send the lacrosse sticks from hell on you!
THE SEARCH FOR THE HOLY IPOD
Michael Jackson sang 'It's a Small World' loudly as he skipped down the street like a schoolgirl. Little kids screamed and ran at the sight of him wearing a plaid jumper, white tights and black high heels.
"Hey!" A man's angry voice yelled. Mikey's extension-braided hair whipped the man in the face as he turned around.
"Like, can I , like, help, like, you, like?" he asked in a valley girl voice. The man took out a gun.
"I was going to tell you that your left blinker was on but you slapped me so now I have to shoot you," the man responded coolly. Mikey squealed.
"OMG! No way! Seriously? I've always wanted to be shot at!" The man pointed the gun at Mikey's head and shot his face off.
People gathered around to see the dead man. Mr. Man stood triumphantly above him and people began taking dead Mikey's possessions.
"I found a pretty hair clip!" squeaked a little girl.
"I found my life savings!" yelled a woman.
"I found oil!"
"I found vinegar!"
"I found the Holy iPod!"
The crowd fell silent as Lord Voldemort held up a shining, gleaming pink iPod with rubies all around its front. "Now I can finally kill Harry Potter!" He laughed menacingly as he twirled away like a ballerina. Lala, the Teletubbie, held up a fist.
"We cannot let him kill Harry Potter! It would change the outcome of the seventh book!" she screamed. "We must take him down! Who's with me?"
Everyone scrambled away except for Hermione Granger, Miley Cyrus, Barney the Friendly Dinosaur, Synyster Gates and Michael Vick, who had just made a huge prison break.
Hermione held up her wand. "I will not let him kill my best friend!" she cried. Synyster, Barney and Michael nodded appreciably.
"What about you, Miley?" asked Michael.
Miley looked up from admiring her nails. "Say what? I ain't doing nothing. I just got a French manicure. Who cares about Harry Potter?"
Synyster screamed like a little girl, Barney fainted and Michael set his vicious dogs at her. She teetered away in her mini skirt and high heels.
"Thank God she's gone," said Synyster. "I can't stand preps." Barney, who had just woke up, stuck out his tongue. "Oh, sorry, Barney."
Lala clapped her hands. "Enough vicious prep chasing! Let's set off!"
They all set off towards the jungle, skipping and singing 'Santa Claus Is Coming To Town'. Barney tripped over a tree root and fell into a lion's den. They went on without him while he became dinner.
Suddenly, a ninja jumped out in front of them! (cue dramatic music) Lala slipped and fell on the snow, Hermione pulled out her wand and Synyster pulled out his guitar.
He began to play a sick riff that put the ninja to sleep. Michael clubbed him with a penguin and he died.
"Why was the ninja sent to us?" Lala wondered out loud. "Is it a sign?"
The foursome each put a fist on their chins a la The Thinker. Finally, after several long hours, Michael snapped his fingers.
"It is a sign!" he yelled with excitement. "It's a sign that we have to find the Holy iPod!"
The others nodded and looked as if they had just realized that that was what they were looking for. Hermione did a little happy jig for no reason whatsoever. "We're gonna find the iPod, we're gonna find the iPod," she sang, loudly and off key. Michael, Synyster and Lala started clapping along, as if she was good until she stopped, out of breath.
"You guys ready to go?" Michael asked.
Synyster nodded. "Yeah, but how're we gonna beat Voldemort?"
"I think I can help," came a voice from behind them. It was Dumbledore! Not just any Dumbledore, but a gangsta Dumbledore! He had two guns on his side, gray cornrows falling down to his gluteus maximus and South Pole attire. Michael gave him a man hug.
"My man!" he yelled. They punched their fists together and…booty bumped? WTF?
"That's how we do it in da hood!" Gangsta Dumbledore yelled. "Now what y'all need ta do is get totally poppin'-"
"What is this 'popping' that you speak of?" Lala asked in a dignified voice. Dumbledore hated dignified people, so he pulled out a bazooka and shot her in the head.
"As I was sayin', y'all need ta get poppin'. So I'm gonna take ya to the South Pole store ta get some new threads. Ya dig?"
"We dig!" shouted Synyster, Hermione and Michael.
Two days later, Synyster, Hermione, Michael and Gangsta Dumbledore emerged from South Pole with poppin' clothes (well, except for Synyster. He stayed in his chain pants and A7X shirt.). Dumbledore saluted them, and shot himself in the chest.
"That seems to happening an awful lot!" exclaimed Hermione. The trio set off swimming towards England, but somehow not ruining their new threads. Finally, they came to a huge white, dingy old castle that towered above them. They began climbing the rope that hung from the highest window in the tallest tower, with Michael falling off in the process. Synyster and Hermione continued to climb higher and higher and higher and higher and higher and higher and higher and higher and higher and higher and higher and higher and higher and higher and higher and higher and higher and higher and higher and higher until they reached the window.
Voldemort sat in a huge black lawn chair, listening to the Holy iPod. He was singing out loud to Li'l Mama's 'Lip Gloss' and wasn't paying attention, so Synyster pulled out his gangsta gun and shot him in the head. They stole the Holy iPod and Voldemort's motorcycle and rode off into the distance, singing 'Fergalicious'.