This is set before Bellamy infiltrates the Mountain Men. I have a vague idea where this is headed but I often change my mind when I'm writing so who knows? I just know I won't rush into anything, I want to explore Clarke and Lexa first - their hopes and dreams, what they need and fear and where and how they got their scars and how they affect them.
Since it's been almost 4 years that I last wrote any fanfiction some feedback is very much appreciated, good or bad, whatever your thoughts are on the story or the writing, I'm all ears. Thanks!
Chapter 1 – Phantom of a scream
Lexa was pacing from the war table to the entrance of the tent and without paying the outside any attention, turned on her heels to pace back. Following her own footsteps over and over, she'd spent the better part of the night this way.
When the first light of the day crept through the entrance and illuminated the worn path of her restlessness inch by inch, the Commander stopped and exhaled heavily. She pressed her palms against her eyes and shook her head.
"No!", she finally said with determination into the silence of her tent and the commotion in her head. She dropped her hands from her face and stood up straight like the leader she needed to be right now.
"Chit, Heda*?", a young dark haired woman suddenly opposite her said confused and tilted her head slightly, her eyes narrowing at Lexa in concern.
It took the Commander a moment to collect herself but when she spoke, her voice was as calm and strong as ever.
"What brings you to me, Octavia of the sky people?", she asked, slightly pushing her chin forward as she spoke. Lexa noticed a moment of hesitation and a flicker in the other woman's eyes, replacing concern with bitterness.
The Commander was very well aware that Octavia was working hard to be accepted as one of them, but Lexa had to make sure that she understood she couldn't just choose to be one of them because she felt like it. She had to earn it - she had to live it.
She watched Octavia swallow hard and then straighten up before she spoke: "Indra requests your presence."
Lexa was careful not show her annoyance and simply nodded, gesturing the other woman to lead the way.
Indra was her best warrior and they would have lost more than one battle without her. She was ruthless and aggressive, always putting the fate of the clan and its greater good ahead of everything and everyone.
The General understood her Commander's choices, the easy ones but more importantly, the ones even Lexa didn't make lightly, leaving her with the taste of regret in her mouth.
But lately - or more precisely since the alliance had been formed - dealing with her had become rather tiresome. Lexa was used to being questioned by Indra, it had been vital in all through her reign and helped her grow into the Heda she was today. But these days, she found it more challenging than it used to be.
The Commander followed Octavia through the warrior's camp of Ton DC, past fires slowly dying as the sun crept up on the horizon, making them useless for the day; past warriors training fiercely and the sounds of their swords clashing echoed in the tree tops and accompanied their leader.
Every single of her people she passed, no matter how occupied they might be in that moment, nodded their heads in respect but Lexa hardly noticed. She was trying hard to get her mind to focus before she had to look Indra in the eye. She would know when her Commander's mind wasn't fully concentrated on the task at hand.
She took a deep breath, pushed her chin forward, straightening up in her steps in hopes for her mind to follow her body - at least for the time of her conversation. After a sleepless night of pacing, Lexa knew she couldn't pretend that she was fully in control anymore.
She had tried so hard to get her off her mind, so hard to forget the sound of her voice and how it reached so deep inside of her, it was almost like she was talking to her heart directly.
When she had agreed to this alliance and been warned about its dangers, Lexa hadn't thought the danger was to the walls she'd built around herself to never feel the pain a thousand times worse than all of her battle wounds combined.
"Heda.", Indra said and tipped her head slightly forward in a respectful way to greet her Commander. With a nod to Octavia, she dismissed her second before giving Lexa her full attention.
"Indra.", she said with a slight nod, the tension in her body showing in the clenching of her jaw.
"What worries you?", Lexa asked, interpreting the moment of silence as hesitation to speak and this only ever happened to Indra when she was worried.
"They are not to be trusted.", Indra finally hissed, her teeth hardly parting as she spoke and her eyes were searching for those in the camp, that had fallen out of the sky.
"They are whispering and sneaking around.", she added in answer to Lexa's silent frown.
"You've voiced your concerns already.", Lexa said calmly but her voice had a certain edge to it, that drew her General's eyes back from their journey to meet hers.
"We have no choice if we want to survive against Mount Weather but to trust them for as long as our common enemy exists."
Indra was gritting her teeth and breathing heavily and Lexa knew she was struggling to keep her temper under control, careful not to overstep with the Commander even though she disagreed with every fiber of her being.
"Does it not worry you.", she said slowly, her voice vibrating with hatred. "That she sneaks away with her people in the dead of night?"
The Commander narrowed her eyes slightly and then let them follow Indra's outstretched arm pointing towards the woods to show her where they'd gone. To say that she wasn't worried, would be a lie. But Lexa worried for very different reasons than Indra.
"When did they leave?", Lexa inquired, her voice demanding and cool. She wouldn't allow her to hear what she was already guessing.
Indra had known the Commander from the day she was born and it had been her who had exchanged the wooden sword for a real one when the time had been right. It had been Indra who had pushed her to and beyond every limit her body and mind held and who had taught her everything she knew when it came to the art of warfare.
It had also been Indra who had held her back when Lexa had to learn about Costia's murder, who had kept her from killing herself in an attempt to avenge her lover's death; Indra who had allowed her to grief in her own way for as long as she needed to and put her back on her feet when it was time to let go.
Lexa knew Indra worried for her well-being as well as everyone else's. She need the Commander to be focused on her duties and nothing else. And Lexa wasn't sure if she worried more that she would make the wrong decisions for the clan or herself.
Her cloak was billowing behind her like the ocean on a stormy day. Her steps were hurried yet so elegant, she was moving noiselessly through the woods following the footsteps that couldn't be more obvious even if they had been left purposefully for her to find.
Her right hand was clenched around a dagger, just in case she would run into some trouble, though so far Clarke and her people were moving in the safer part of the woods. If Lexa had to guess, she'd say they were heading back to where they had burnt three hundred of her people.
The thought left a bitter taste in her mouth. It reminded her of how irrational she was being, how senseless and downright reckless. How could someone who had killed so many of her own, steal her sleep at night and make her wish her destiny was the responsibility not for thousands, but only herself?
Lexa's pondering was interrupted by a distant, yet piercing scream. She stopped in her tracks, concentrating on the echo to figure out the direction it was coming from and felt her heart pound ten times as fast as it had just moments ago. Fear and panic were washing over her like a tidal wave, now chasing her through the forest.
Her head was filled with the loud pounding of her racing heart and the echo of the scream, drowning out every other sound. Her lungs started to burn as she pushed herself to run even faster.
Lexa finally arrived at a clearing. Panting and covered in sweat, her eyes searched for an enemy to fight, but there was no one there. No one but a mud covered Clarke, kneeling in, what had been a puddle after the rain and turned into a mud hole over the past few dry days. With her were two other sky people: one on his back in front of her, his face showing the muddy mark of a hand and next to her a dark haired girl, just as dirty.
While the carefree happiness fell from their faces at the sight of the Commander, it dawned on Lexa while she had been rushing to save a life the people who were supposed to help save them all, were playing in the dirt like kids.
She closed her panting mouth and gritted her teeth, not trying to hide her anger. Her hand clenched so hard around the still drawn dagger, her knuckles turned white.
"Lexa", Clarke finally breathed her name and Lexa could hear a mixture of surprise and terror in her voice which was somewhat soothing to Lexa. At least Clarke seemed to know her behavior had been out of place.
"This is how your people prepare for war?", the Commander said, her voice icy. "We might as well dig our own graves.", she added, straightening up and staring Clarke right into her brilliant blue eyes.
Lexa had felt in control until their eyes met and her heart went back to pounding like she was still chasing after the phantom of her scream. Her mouth went dry, her palms turned sweaty within seconds and her skin started prickling.
The Commander turned around and marched away, hoping she had managed to break eye contact before the blonde could see that, underneath her anger and frustration, Lexa was relieved above all that Clarke was unharmed and safe.
And deep down some part of her admired Clarke for being able to enjoy herself even in times of war. Something Lexa hadn't felt in so long, she couldn't remember the last time her life had been more than the duties and responsibilities of the Commander, the safety of her people.
*Chit, Heda? - What, Commander?