Author's Note: I do this because I shouldn't but can. The royal banquet just sparked all sorts of ideas for me, so keep an eye out for other one-shots revolving around it (maybe some Gajeel/Levy action?) Until then, enjoy this snippet from my crazy procrastinating, squirrel brain. :D

Fairy Tail does not belong to me. Hiro Mashima owns everything. If you know what I mean.

Clean Up Nice
by: SmurfLuvsCookies

"Hm...what do you think, Fried? Should I go for the little hamburgers on toothpicks or the bacon-wrapped peppers?" Bixlow tore his gaze away from the inviting wares of the banquet to glance at his friend, who was unfortunately too occupied glaring at the group of swooning women gathered around Laxus to give his opinion on the matter of Bixlow's diet. Irritated, the jilted soul mage prodded Fried with his fork, a silver utensil much too tiny, fancy, and fragile for his personal taste. It was sharp enough to get Fried's attention, at least.

"Ouch! What the hell, Bixlow?"

"Such language," the offender scoffed, using his weapon of choice to spear both a little hamburger and a bacon-wrapped pepper onto his small china plate. "And in a formal setting, too. Really, Fried, have some decorum."

"I have plenty of decorum," Fried scowled. "You're the one who shanked me."

"You were ignoring me. That's just as rude."

"Sorry," Friend snapped sardonically, returning his death glare to Laxus's groupies. "But just look at them. Crowding around him, shamelessly vying for his affection, invading his personal space. It's disgusting."

"I know," Bixlow sighed. "Lucky bastard."

"Bixlow! He is clearly not enjoying this. Look at him, so nobly enduring their suffocating advances to protect their feelings. He must feel so trapped!"

"He's a guy, Fried," Bixlow pointed out, popping an entire pepper into his mouth. "He's enjoying it. If he wanted to escape, he could. I already expressed my willingness to bear the burden for him, but the burden wouldn't bite."

"Maybe women would find you more appealing if you didn't stuff your face like an animal," said Evergreen, shooting his loaded plate a sneer. Bixlow made a face at her. "Then again, probably not," she added, flicking out her fan and waving it in front of her face haughtily.

"I'm surprised you're not playing the jealous fangirl tonight, too, Evergreen," Bixlow retorted. "Don't you usually hate it when other women look at Laxus?"

"Don't you know anything? I am so over Laxus," Evergreen huffed.

"Right, I forgot. You're all googly-eyed over Beast Guy, now."

"I am googly-eyed over nobody!"

"Wait," Fried interrupted, frowning at Bixlow, "what do you mean, 'jealous fangirl, too'?"

Needless to say, Fried found Bixlow's answer unsatisfactory, and the result was a less-than-classy attack that overturned the buffet table. No one noticed after the inter-guild brawl that had occurred only moments before over which guild Yukino would join. Arcadios broke it up, but was too busy chasing Natsu down to reprimand the mages for their behavior. He was still running around the palace somewhere, trying to catch the Salamander. Every once in a while they sprinted through the ballroom, Natsu laughing like a maniac with the king's crown on his head, Arcadios shouting orders at him, the Magic Games' mascot lagging behind, wheezing out the occasional, "Give it back...pumpkin!"

Bixlow walked away from the other Raijinshuu, grumbling, picking bacon off of his white suit—the only one he owned, damn it. He supposed his remarks had gone a bit far. But, with the exception of the brawl and the food, he wasn't having a good time at the banquet. The guards wouldn't let him bring in his babies and he was a bit lonely without their comforting mimicry. At least when he talked, he knew they were listening. Not to mention the fact that Cana and the drunkard from Quatro Puppy chugged all the alcohol during their drinking rematch, from which Cana emerged victorious this time. Now, with Fried and Evergreen cross with him and Laxus defended by a barricade of admirers, there really was nothing to liven up this stupid party.

He was so lost in thought that he absently bumped into someone. Maybe I can start another fight, he thought optimistically, preparing to yell an obscenity at the poor bystander. The harsh words shriveled up in his mouth when a pair of big, curious blue eyes greeted him.

"Uh, sorry," he said automatically, taking a step back. Lisanna blinked those blue eyes at him once, and Bixlow noticed that she was poised over one of the last standing buffet tables, a delicate silver fork hanging from her mouth. She removed it, smiling shyly as she took a second to chew and swallow the appetizer.

"You're fine, it was my fault," she laughed good-naturedly. "I was too busy stuffing my face to see you."

"How very unladylike," Bixlow said, flashing a grin.

"Hey, if you spent all day getting dolled up for a ball, you'd be hungry, too," Lisanna replied as she playfully waved the fork in his direction. "This is the first time I've even seen food today, so I'm going to enjoy it."

Bixlow smirked as she obstinately took another bite to prove her point, silently daring him to respond in an unfavorable manner. Honestly, he liked the fact that she didn't take crap about her food consumption. Evergreen never ate in public, and it was a drag when she complained about hunger on their missions. It was like she wanted to convince the world that she was above pigging out. Well, Lisanna certainly ate, and she looked damn fine while doing it, finer than any of the girls who avoided the buffet. Bixlow grabbed a plate and fork, earning a nod of approval.

"So, how are you enjoying the party?" Lisanna inquired as they meandered down the table, selecting foods. Bixlow gave a noncommittal grunt. He didn't want his whining to ruin it for her if she was having a good time. But Lisanna just shot him a knowing smile. "You're not having a blast either, huh?"

"Not really," Bixlow confessed.

"Yeah, it's a bit of a letdown. I think it would be more fun if people would just act like themselves instead of tiptoeing around everything. Natsu stealing the king's crown was the highlight of the banquet," Lisanna said. She popped a piece of sausage into her mouth. "That, and this food."

"The night is still young," Bixlow said slyly, but Lisanna noticed the chocolate cake at the end of the table and missed the remark entirely. He pursed his lips at the desert for stealing his mojo and begrudgingly accepted the slice Lisanna offered him. It did look delicious. Bixlow took a bite. Damn. It tasted awesome, too.

"You know, this banquet isn't a total bust," Lisanna said thoughtfully. "At least I got to see you in formal wear, Bixlow. I don't think I've ever seen you in public without your mask."

"Evergreen wouldn't let me wear it," he muttered, stabbing the cake moodily. "Fairy queen, my ass. She's a dragon lady, that's what she is."

"I have to agree with her on this one, though," Lisanna laughed. "You wouldn't look as good in that suit with the mask hiding your face."

"You think I look good?" Bixlow grinned, running a hand through his hair.

Lisanna's eyes flashed deviously. "Well. You clean up nice."

"You don't do too bad yourself," he said. That was the understatement of the century—Lisanna looked amazing in the navy blue gown that showed off her slender shoulders and creamy complexion.

"You…you don't think I look like Yukino?"

Bixlow blinked. "Who?"

"The Celestial mage from Sabertooth," Lisanna answered. She gestured to the short white-haired girl who was chatting up the two dragonslayers from her old guild.

"The chick everyone was makin' a fuss about earlier?"

Lisanna nodded, picking at the remnants of her cake. Again, Bixlow blinked in surprise. He looked at Yukino, who was laughing at something Sting said, and then back at Lisanna's vulnerable expression. His surprise became bewilderment. Lisanna was…insecure? What, did she think that Yukino was a replacement? They might have had similar physical features, but they were as different as could be. Lisanna's vitality, her confidence, her humor, her impishness—it all made her different from Yukino's timid self-consciousness, made her unique from every woman Bixlow had ever encountered. It was all this that made her the most stunning woman in the room. If Lisanna became susceptible to uncertainty, she would fade into obscurity for him. He couldn't let that happen to her, or to him. To anyone, really, because Lisanna was irreplaceable.

He wanted to tell her, but he couldn't find the right words. So what he said was, "Nah, you guys ain't alike at all."

That seemed to ease her mind. She smiled. "Thanks, Bixlow. You really do look nice tonight. Except..." she squinted at his chest. "You have mustard on your jacket."

"Mm?" Bixlow looked down and saw that she was right. There was a spot of dried mustard about the size of his thumb next to his lapel. "Damn. Must've been those little freakin' hamburgers."

"Um…what?"

"Nothin'." Bixlow gave her a wolfish, tongue-wagging grin. "Say, wanna help me take this off?"

"How about we go dance instead?" Lisanna compromised, smirking as she took his hand and led him out on to the dance floor. The grin stayed stuck to his face for the rest of the night, like the mustard stuck to his suit. He decided that Laxus could have all those other mediocre women. Bixlow was a quality over quantity kind of guy, anyway.