"Don't you ever tire of this?" Ellana asked, her back still turned to the wolf. She was sitting on the forest floor, her knees drawn up close to her face, arms wrapped around her legs.
The forest always looked the same, like it was summer and autumn was about to set in. There was still a lot of green in the trees, but all around Ellana there were brown leaves. She had found herself in this forest many nights this past year, tonight she'd arrived to find the forest empty and she decided to wait, expecting to see Solas. Ellana had sat down and the solitude had given her time to consider this past year and all the dreams she'd had during that time.
As always Solas had eventually shown up, a great black wolf half-hidden between the trees, red eyes staring at her. There had been the sound of something moving behind her, then she'd looked over her shoulder and found him looking at her. The wolf was standing at a distance as always, but rather than feel the aching happiness Ellana normally felt when she saw Solas, she now just felt tired.
"How many nights have we been here?" Ellana continued, no longer expecting an answer. "How many times have I reached out to you, only for you to retreat?" She shook her head. "Why are you here? To watch me? To remind me of your reach?" Ellana stood up, keeping her back to the wolf. "I don't know if I want to keep doing this, Solas," she said. And she willed herself awake, just a fraction too late to see the wolf start to approach her.
Ellana awoke in her own bed; the forest gone. It was still dark outside and Ellana guessed she couldn't have slept for longer than a few hours. Her head still felt heavy with sleep and Ellana wanted to lie back down, but tempting as the warmth of the small bed was to her, she didn't want to dream again this night. Instead she threw the blankets off her and got up. Ellana got dressed, it took her less effort than when she had first lost her left arm, still it was often frustrating. Her eyes stung as if they were hurting from being forced open. After getting her shirt on she pinned the left sleeve to her arm so it wouldn't get in the way. At some point in the future, when Ellana would have a more stable home, when she might even return to her clan, she would start to mend her clothes so they would fit her new shape.
It was quiet in the small house she lived in now, no doubt the others were still asleep. Ellana tried to be as quiet as she could, sneaking down the stairs to the small living room. Yawning, she crossed the room, trying not to trip over the scattered shoes and bags laying on the floor. In one corner there was a large table, despite the fact that they usually ate at the table, it was covered in papers, some scrolls, and scraps of parchment with hastily written reports on them. Ellana picked up a large red book from the small chair near the fireplace and took it with her to the table. She opened it where she had last left off, hoping to get some research done while she kept herself awake.
Despite her best efforts Ellana felt sleep sneaking up on her. Within an hour she felt so tired her eyes refused to stay open and her head kept bobbing down. Eventually Ellana accepted that she would either go back to bed or fall asleep on the table.
Yawning, she relented and went back upstairs. Ellana quickly undressed – it was often easier than getting dressed was – and lay back down in her bed. She looked outside and saw the smallest change in the sky, a tiny bit of blue had started to appear. She closed her eyes hoping for a dreamless sleep; in a few hours the others would wake her.
"Vhenan," the voice was weak and a slight tremor was audible.
Ellana froze. In the year since she had last seen Solas in the real world, Ellana had not heard his voice. Not once, not in any of these dreams. She slowly turned around; he was no longer the wolf, instead Solas was standing there, wearing the armour he'd had on the last time she'd seen him. Even after all this time, and knowing what she did, Ellana still felt the desire to rush over, but she knew – after seeing it happen countless times – that would only make him leave, so instead she just stood there. Ellana scanned Solas' face for some kind of indication of why he was now speaking to her.
"How are –" Solas stopped mid-sentence. He looked down at the forest ground. Ellana remained silent, after being denied all the times she wanted to speak to him, she now didn't know what to say or ask. She cursed herself for being so happy that he was speaking to her.
Solas met her eyes. "Has it been difficult, adjusting?" he nodded his head at her arm. Ellana looked down at her left arm, only her upper arm was left; it had only been since the last few months that her arm had also been missing in her dreams. At first it would still be there while dreaming, this had been troublesome to Ellana because it made waking without it more difficult, but she had started to accept the loss and so in dreams she now looked like herself. "It has been… an adjustment," she said. Solas looked pained, which absurdly made Ellana feel guilty in return. "But I've accepted it, better to lose an arm than a life."
"Yes," Solas said. "If there had been another way I would've spared you this."
Ellana wondered if that only applied to her arm. "I know. I believe you."
"To be honest, I had thought the mark would kill you much quicker than it was affecting you," Solas said, "it seems I am always underestimating you."
"And me you." Ellana rubbed her left arm. "You must have quite the army by now," she said, pursing her lips, "elves have been disappearing all over Thedas."
Solas raised an eyebrow, "I am not the only one responsible for that, I believe."
Ellana narrowed her eyes, it made sense that he knew elves were also joining her, she was naïve to believe she could keep a secret that big from him. It didn't help that the elves choosing her side were marking their left hands to show their loyalty to her (or perhaps their rebellion against the Dread Wolf). Ellana wondered if they would still join her cause if she had not been an elf herself. Or if Solas wasn't known as the Dread Wolf.
"I have to try to stop you, I can't just watch you destroy this world," Ellana said and she wondered why she sounded so apologetic.
"I understand," Solas replied, "we are both of us fighting for our worlds. And our people."
Ellana shook her head. "Our people are not separate."
"I realise you cannot see it but –"
"Mythal sees us as her people," Ellana said, knowing Solas at the very least respected Mythal.
Solas clenched his jaw and Ellana wondered what was wrong. "She… well, it is not important." He fell back into silence.
They stood there, both of them quiet for a while. Already Ellana was dreading the moment she'd wake up. Would he speak to her again? She desperately wanted to change his beliefs, make Solas change his plans, but if he would never speak to her… Or if she never managed to say anything to him… "Solas, do you remember what you said to me, just before the first time we kissed?"
Solas looked surprised. "Yes," he answered, after a short pause he added: "I said you changed everything."
"What did you mean by that? You didn't just mean I changed the chances of fighting Corypheus, there was more behind those words wasn't there?"
Solas rocked on his soles. "Yes. You made me… you made me pay more attention to the world, you made me see more."
"But not enough to make you spare this world?"
Solas looked at the ground again. "Vhenan, if I spare this world I am betraying my people, I cannot make that choice, the debt I owe them is too great."
"You cannot believe that destroying one world makes up for the destruction of another?" Ellana felt frustrated.
"You have not seen what the world was before, there were wonders you cannot imagine and the people, they were so different."
"Better you mean?"
"That's what I believed," Solas said. To Ellana's surprise he took a step towards her. "Before meeting you." He looked at her and briefly smiled. "But you are… hmm, different, the mark gave you a stronger connection to the Fade, one people lack in this new world."
"I am not different from any of them."
"I beg to differ. You are. Otherwise we would not be able to have this conversation. Even after losing the mark your mind has amazing focus, proven by your ability to navigate the Fade with such ease."
Ellana risked taking a step closer as well, Solas did not move. "Perhaps you have not given enough people enough chances to proof to you that we are… whatever your random definition of what people need to be is."
"You are probably right," Solas said.
Ellana took another step forward. "But you don't want to give them that chance? Because it will be easier not to?"
"In the long run, yes."
"And what about the elves who fight for you? Do you consider them people?" Ellana felt anger bubbling up now. He had shown so much compassion during their time in the Inquisition, why was this so difficult?
Solas clenched his jaw. "I consider everyone in this world people," he said, he took a step forward, "you made me see that. But they are not part my people, and they are… incomplete."
Ellana shook her head. "Perhaps if you had not spent so much time asleep you would feel more connected to this world, maybe you'd be able to see its beauty."
"I can," Solas replied angrily. "I do see its beauty and the worth of its people, but I cannot ignore what has been lost."
"But how can you ignore what might be lost?" Ellana said heatedly, advancing a little."You cannot blind yourself to the possibility that you might lose more than you gain."
"Should I then remain frozen in place for fear of failure?" Solas threw his hands in the air. "Should I not try to fix an injustice for fear of making things worse? If you believed that you would not have joined the Inquisition, nor led it," Solas said.
"Deciding not to go through with your plan doesn't mean you're not making a decision. You can choose to stay in this world, but you can't because you've decided this world is not worth living in, no matter what might be in it."
Ellana and Solas simulatanously let out a long breath, both feeling frustrated for different, if similar, reasons. A strange silence settled around them.
"For a moment, I did want to live in this world," Solas said eventually.
Lavellan looked up to meet his gaze. "A fleeting moment I presume," Ellana replied after a beat, a bitter edge to her voice.
"Longer than you might imagine," Solas said. He sighed. "I was genuine, when speaking with you, I wanted to – "
"Genuine?" Lavellan shook her head. "You did not even trust me with the truth."
"I almost did," Solas said, his eyes fixed on Ellana's face.
Ellana was taken aback. "What?" She wasn't sure if she was angry or hurt or flattered even.
"At the waterfall –" Solas stopped abruptly, probably realising this was a sore memory to be evoking.
"But you didn't, you left." Ellana clenched her teeth. "You left me there alone."
Solas looked away. "I did, I realised I had no right to burden you with the truth, not when I could not give up my quest."
Ellana was getting angrier, so angry she almost failed to hear what Solas was saying. She went over his words in her mind. "You mean to say you were planning to give up, at one point?"
Solas weakly smiled at her. "You made me see things… differently, made me imagine… well, another future." His smile faded. "But I would not be making that decision for just myself, it would be selfish to choose to stay with you, to enjoy happiness when there are those who need me."
"How can you even be sure you can save your world?" Solas remained silent. "Of course, no more answers," Ellana said.
"I would if I believed it would not jeopardise my plans –"
"Your plan is as bad as the one that landed you in this situation in the first place." Ellana interrupted him, but she regretted her words immediately. She took a deep breath. "I am sorry, I just, I just wish you would realise this world's potential, before you risk losing it forever, just for the chance to get something better in return." Tears of frustration streaked her face. She furiously wiped them away, as if she could still stop Solas from seeing them.
"Risk losing it forever?" Solas asked.
Ellana's face flushed red, fresh tears welling up in her eyes.
Solas took a step forward, it almost looked like he was about to reach out, to comfort her, but he stopped before getting close enough. "If I could spare you this pain –" Solas shook his head. "I could have, I should have. I should have stopped this before it could hurt you. I realised from the start how it would have to end, I… I was selfish with you. I am sorry."
Ellana shook her head and approached him. They were closer now than they had been this past year. If she reached out her arm now, Ellana could touch him, but she was certain he would be gone before she could reach him. "I never wanted to be spared the pain," she said, "I just didn't want to be shut out."
"I know," Solas said.
"But you had to," Ellana said.
"You would have changed everything, you almost did, I can't let that happen."
"Because you did not want it to," Ellana added, anger and pain swirling together in her mind. "Because I didn't mean enough to you."
"You meant, you mean –"
"Don't." Ellana clenched her teeth. "I loved you, but that… you could just throw that away for something else. For another world. I would have gone with you if you'd asked. Instead you just disappeared and left me. Do you know what I thought, during those two years leading the Inquisition without knowing where you were or why you'd left? Can you imagine how I felt? And every day I had to be reminded of you, every time I saw my bare face in the mirror. I had to explain my new face to my keeper, I had to explain again and again." Ellana shook her head. "I love you and for a time I believed you loved me, but whatever you felt, it wasn't enough," Ellana sighed. There was no point to this conversation, if she hadn't been able to reach Solas now, how was she supposed to accomplish that now? "I need to accept that you didn't care enough,"Ellana said, more to herself than to Solas.
"Ar lath ma vhenan," Solas said. It sounded much more desperate than the first time he'd said it to her.
"Then your love does not run as deep as mine does," Ellana retorted bitterly, her eyes fixing on his.
"I almost gave up a quest I've pursued for millennia for a short life with you, do not tell me my love does not run deep," Solas almost hissed. "You cannot imagine what it took for me to leave you, to stay away. Do not mistake my love for my people for a lack of love for you."
Solas' eyes burned into hers. Suddenly Ellana felt the deep desire to leave. Solas had broken her heart before and she didn't need to feel it happen again and again whenever they met. Part of her had always considered them bounded for life, but it was a bond that was perhaps better broken. Ellana turned to leave, but Solas grabbed her arm and spun her back around.
"You condemn me for being willing to burn this world down to save my own and my people, but I almost condemned both my world and my people for just you."
Ellana looked at Solas' hand on her arm, even if this was the Fade, it felt as real as the waking world. She looked up to meet Solas' gaze. "I know this is a selfish," she said, "but I wish you had."
Solas' eyes were still fixed on hers, "Some nights so do I," Solas said, suddenly pulling her against him and kissing her. Solas' arms locked around her waist, trying to pull her even closer against his body.
Solas was the one to break off the kiss. He pulled away just enough to look Ellana in the eyes, his hands were still on her waist, holding her in place, not letting her get closer but not letting her move away either. "Do not doubt that I love you, but I have always been selfish with you, and love should not be," Solas let go of her. "I should leave," he said, sounding like his composed self again. He turned around, ready to disappear Ellana was certain.
"Solas," Ellana said to make him turn back around. "Even with everything that has happened, everything I've felt because of it, or anything I've said, the truth is I would not change what happened between us. Even knowing what I do now, given the choice, I would still kiss you in the Fade, that first time we met in our dreams."
A small smile appeared on Solas' face. "As would I." He chuckled. "We are all selfish creatures in the end it seems." And with that he disappeared, leaving Ellana alone in the forest.