It started out as just a stupid crush, really. All red hair and green eyes and fancy words. Sirius was absolutely smitten. Only problem? So was James. Sirius, of course, was all for his best friend getting with Lily. In fact, he tried as hard as he could to get them together. The only reason James ever got the courage to ask her out? Because Sirius egged him on.
It was during 5th year when Lily cornered him. "You like me." It wasn't a question. Sirius licked his lips nervously. "You got the wrong marauder, sweet cheeks." He joked. "Liar."
When she kissed him he could feel his stomach exploding with what felt like butterflies but really they were knives piercing his insides and a waterfall of guilt began to press against his chest. He did not push her away.
It took two years for Lily to realize she loved James. Two years for her to start hating the way the air from an empty classroom felt against her skin. However she could never stop loving Sirius in a way she could never love James. James she loved with all over her heart and with all the passion that she had her. She loved him in the gentlest way. She loved him in a way that was told in romance novels and stupid muggle movies.
The way she loved Sirius was rougher. It was dark alleyways on cold nights and it was whispered promises that never saw the daylight. Sirius could break her with a flick of his wrist and he tried, oh he tried, and he got so close but he could never succeed so really it was just his hands around her neck and his fingers tangled in her hair.
She needed them both.
Sirius broke it off during the ending of 7th year. "You're marrying my best friend." was his reasoning and Lily felt her insides fall to the ground. She did not stop him from leaving.
He looked for her in the arms of as many as he could find but no matter who he go home with he also ended up a drunken sobbing mess.
The day of the wedding was fine with lots of champagne and Lily did not try to pull him away from the crowd because he looked happy and she could not ruin that for him. James needn't ever know but begging for Sirius at their wedding might have been pushing it a bit.
Lily was dead she was dead he couldn't breathe he couldn't think his entire world was spinning and he was dying he had to be dying he remembered 5th year when she kissed him and the way the knives pierces his insides and and his insides were being pulled out of him by the teeth of a dragon he was not alive he was dead because feeling like this shouldn't be possible but no he was alive and he had to get Harry.