Don't Go

I was raised in the valley, there was shadows and death. Got out alive but with scars I can't forget.

Sirius Black knew that, no matter how hard he tried, he would never forget his mother screaming abuse at him every time he was at Grimauld Place. He had grown up in a dark place surrounded by dark people and by being good he was being very, very bad. He knew he had to get out but…he just didn't know how. He couldn't very well just show up at James' place because he told everyone that everything was fine, that the public screaming matches were more for show and that they mostly left him alone in the house.

This kid back in school, subdued and shy. An orphan and a brother and unseen by most eyes.

It was Regulus that Sirius really felt sorry for. It was Regulus that he stayed for. This kid just couldn't stand up for himself, never could. Sirius figured that if he hung around, it might take the pressure off of Regulus a little because anyone would look like the perfect son to the Blacks compared to Sirius.

Sirius blamed it on his damned Gryffindor nature but he always thought there was a little hope. Hope that, this year, his parents really would forget about him. It was a childish thought but it was one that he clung to anyway.

I don't know what it was that made a piece of him die, Took a boy to the forest, slaughtered him with a scythe. Stamped on his face, an impression in the dirt.
Do you think the silence makes a good man convert?

Sirius was sixteen when that hope was finally strangled. Things got so bad that they seemed into his dreams and he was struck down by horrific nights of sleep paralysis.

We all have our horrors and our demons to fight. But how can I win, when I'm paralysed? They crawl up on my bed, wrap their fingers 'round my throat. Is this what I get for the choices that I made? God forgive me, for all my sins. God forgive me, for everything. God forgive me, for all my sins. God forgive me, God forgive me.

He just wanted it to stop. He wanted the creatures that crawled around him at night to finally just strangle him, get it over and done with. But just as soon as he found himself wishing for release, he would imagine Remus sitting down on the edge of his bed and brushing the creatures away, telling Sirius to go back to sleep, that is was just a nightmare. Exactly like he would if Sirius had a nightmare in the dorm.

When Sirius finally regained the use of his limbs he would sit up with a start, calling for Moony but he was never there and his yelling would alert his parents that he was awake and the cycle would begin again.

Don't go, I can't do this on my own. Don't go, I can't do this on my own. Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night. I can't live with myself, so stay with me tonight.
Don't go.

At the end on that horrific holiday, Sirius stood on Platform 9 ¾ , a little way off from his parents and brother, hoping that some familiar face would show up soon. This year it was Remus who turned up first, casually wandering through the barrier, chatting to his mum. The werewolf had most certainly not been prepared for the armful of Sirius that almost knocked him backinto Muggle London. "Sirius!" "Moony! Don't…don't…don't go…don't go…" Remus' mother shot her son a questioning look but only received a shrug in response. Remus set his wheeled trunk on the ground and wrapped his arms around Sirius, who was now sobbing into his shirt. "Padfoot…what's wrong? You're showing emotion…in public!" Humour was usually the best way to reach him but this time Sirius seemed too far gone to care for his reputation. Remus frowned, pushing Sirius away a little so he cold get a proper look at his face. His grey eyes were bloodshot and his hair was so very much longer that it had ever been. "Sirius…have you been sleeping? At all?" The animagus shook his head meekly in reply before burying his face in Remus' neck again. "Shhh…come on you mangy animal. What's wrong? This is the longest I've ever seen you quiet and it's the first time I've not been thankful for it." That at least got a half-hearted hiccup from Sirius but just as Remus thought he was getting somewhere there was an almighty shrieking about 'blood traitors' and 'abomination of my flesh' and Remus didn't need Sirius to say any more. The wolf that continually lurked around the back of his mind growled fiercely. Something that must have shown in his features because the platform had quietened down significantly, Sirius was staring up at Remus with fearful eyes and Remus' mother had her hand on his shoulder. Thankfully, James Potter chose this moment to make a wonderfully dramatic (If a little over-done) entrance where he announced that he had a tremendous headache and if that 'shrivelled old bat' didn't 'shut up and fuck off iright now/i' he'd 'hit her with a hex so potent that even Merlin himself wouldn't be able to save her.'

They managed to get Sirius in a compartment that didn't have a window facing the platform and let him curl up on the seat. They would probe him for an explanation once he had gotten some decent shut eye.

If I let you in, you'll just want out. If I tell you the truth, you'd vie for a lie. If I spilt my guts, it would make a mess we can't clean up. If you follow me, you will only get lost.
If you try to get closer, we'll only lose touch. Yet you already know too much, and you're not going anywhere.

That night, Remus was woken by a struggle coming from the bed beside his and pushed himself up to investigate. Sirius was lying on his back with his eyes wide open and fearful, looking like someone had put him in a full body bind.

Remus sat down gently on the edge of Sirius' bed, as he always would when the other boy had a nightmare. He brushed the sweat-dampened hair out of Sirius' face and held his hand, rubbing soothing circles over his knuckles.

"Come of Padfoot, it's okay…" he muttered "…it's not real…"

All of a sudden, Sirius' sat bolt upright with a strangled yell.

"Sirius…I know this is incredibly insensitive of me but you've got to tell me what's happened. It's killing you…"

Sirius shook his head violently.

"You won't believe me…" he croaked "…you'll…I can't…You'll think I'm lying and you'll leave me. I can't lose you Remus. I…I need you."

Tell me that you need me 'cause I love you so much. Tell me that you love me 'cause I need you so much. Tell me that you need me 'cause I love you so much. Say you'll never leave me 'cause I need you so much.

"Sirius..." Remus started, rubbing circles on his friend's back in an attempt to calm him down, "...I'm not going to leave you and unless you tell me that you're passing potions with flying colours then I'm pretty sure I'll believe anything you tell me...It's your parents, isn't it?"

Remus didn't need to hear Sirius' hushed answer to now it was affirmative.

"We've got all year to sort them out, okay? Just tell James - his parents will let you stay with them...you'll never need to go back again..."

"Can't I stay with you? You'd never be alone on a full moon again..."

"Sirius...my Mum doesn't know I'm gay, no one knows you're an animagus and my house is tiny. Trust me...if you could move in with us then I'd say yes in a heartbeat but Mum is way too uptight about things. She doesn't even know that you three know about Moony."

There was a heartbeat of silence and Sirius found himself completely distracted from his night terrors now that his breathing had calmed down.

"I never knew you were gay Moony..."

Remus paled, he may have been comfortable in himself but he had never quite intended for Sirius of all people to find out, not like this anyway. However the confusion he expected from the Black heir never came and, at the very least, it took Sirius' mind off of his parents.

"...I guess it makes sense..." he continued, studying Remus' face thoughtfully "...I mean- you're far too good at looking after us and there have been those really weird moments at full moons when..."

"Yes! Can we just not go there?"

Sirius' trademark smirk was beginning to work its way back onto his face.

"But Moony! You just give off...vibes."

"Padfoot, Peter is istill traumatised after you tried to mount me."

At least Sirius ha the good grace to blush.

"Vibes, Moony. Vibes."

They lapsed into a comfortable, companionable silence and Remus found himself glad that Sirius hadn't asked too many questions. That he hadn't probed into the reasons behind why Remus knew he was gay. That was a matter for another time.

"Hey Pads?"

"Hmn?" Was the sleepy reply he got.

"You know I'll never leave you, right? Even if you're at the other side of the world...you just have to say and I'll be there."

"Moony...I know this might be a bit weird but...will you stay with me tonight? Like...here?"

He looked genuinely afraid of what Remus might say but the werewolf simply smiled.

"Move over then you mutt."

Don't go, I can't do this on my own. Don't go, I can't do this on my own. Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night. I can't live with myself, so stay with me tonight.