Musings and Heartbreak

How was it possible? Just…how? Remus is the traitor. It just made sense. Or it didn't. I don't know anymore. But then, who else could be the traitor? Once again, I racked my brain for the answer.

Peter? Too cowardly. James or Lily? Hello, where were you when Dumbledore said Voledmort was going after them and my precious godson, Harry? McGonagall? Well, she's McGonagall, not to mention she spends all her time trying to figure out how to end what she calls the "Marauder influence." As if Marauder influence was a bad thing. Psch!

There simply was nobody else. Plus Moony had been all standoffish toward anyone for the past couple months. Always rushing off randomly to do this thing or that thing for work. Of course, he had no idea that I knew that he didn't have a job. The wizarding world has some of the most close-minded people in it. That must have been what drove Remus of toward Voldemort. Everyone was so nice to him when they first met. Then they found out what he was. Poof! Just like that Remus was a parasite, less than human, dirt. Nevermind that they never had problems with him until they found out.

Still he would have been the last one we suspected. Even-tempered, follow-the-rules, study everyday Remus. He didn't rile up much Snivellus insulted him for being a half-blood and a werewolf. I would have blown Snivelly's ears off for that, but not Remus. Not Remus. He wasn't even that bitter about the wizarding world's treatment of him. I thought he was one in a million. But I guess I was wrong.

I searched for my shoes. I needed to go over to Peter's to tell him about what I had just found out from Remus. It was his coffin in the cement, or whatever those Muggles said. I was never proficient at Muggle Studies. Anyway, Peter needed to know. Voldemort knew that James and Lily were placed under the Filius Charm! All Mauraders, well the true ones anyway, needed to be on high alert! Just because everyone thought I was the Secret Keeper didn't mean that Remus and Voldemort hadn't figured out that Peter was the Secret Keeper.

I grabbed the keys to my motorcycle and bolted out the door. Even in my frenzied rush, I had realized the need for me to appear casual and calm. That was one of the things that Auror training had gotten through to my tiny brain. You could never tell who was watching you these days and I couldn't afford for someone to know that I knew something was amiss.

Peter's house was messy. Clothes everywhere, molded food leftover from Merlin know when on the kitchen counter and on the floor, cockroach shells in the corners, and rows of hundreds of ants fighting to get to the food, the little food that was fresh anyway. I don't know how Peter could stand to live like that. One would think that I, Sirius Black, of all people would live in such squalor. Yes I do know what that word means and it surprises me too! But I'm a neat freak. It's in my genes, the good genes that I inherited from my awful, disgusting repulsive family.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, something was wrong. Peter wasn't there, but he could have been at work. I made my way to the refrigerator, while holding my nose. Peter desperately needed a maid. When this was all over, I'd see to it that James got him one. James had enough galleons for his whole family down to his great grandkids to never work and still live comfortable. Why in hell Prongs ever got a job, much less a stressful job like an Auror, is beyond me.

Gone to work. Don't worry. Be back in a couple hours. –Peter.

See. I breathed a sigh of relief. He was at work. There was absolutely, positively nothing wrong. Peter was at work and James and Lil-shit! That little piece of shit! Holy damned shit! He couldn't be at work-it was Halloween! Gringotts was closed on Halloween, had been closed on Halloween on Sundays for centuries! And Peter worked for Gringotts!

Damn him! Damn him! Damn him to hell and back and then damn him again! I screamed. Screw looking casual and calm! Peter was the freaking traitor-not Remus! Peter! That piece of complete and utter shit, after all we had done for him, he betrayed us!

My heart constricted at the same time that my throat grew tight in dread. I Apparated immediately to Godric's Hollow. I stopped dead. Oh my God. As if in a trance, I took it all in.

The house was in ruins. The frame of the front door was all that remained of the face of the house. The door was blasted off. Must have been by Voldemort. The roof looked as if it were about to collapse any second. Debris was everywhere.

James must have gotten out. He and Lily and Harry are all safe back at Hogwarts. A little shaken but ok. They must be. They have to be. James wouldn't've let Voldemort get to them. And Lily was the best at Charms at Hogwarts. She must have hidden them somehow.

I took a step forward. Slowly I made my way to the house. That's when I saw. Time stopped. It was James…lying there in front of the TB that Lily had made him get.

He's just sleeping, trying to trick me, I thought.

Still I ran toward him.

"Prongs. Wake up," I said as I shook him lightly. He didn't move. A seedling of doubt began to grow in my mind. "James," I said a little bit louder. "James! Wake up! It's not funny anymore!" I was shouting by now and shaking him fiercely. But he didn't move.

I staggered forward and knelt at his body. I am the epitome of broken. The vision of desolate despair.

I sat on my knees and cradled his head in my lap. It wasn't a joke. He was de-gone. He wasn't coming back. After all the protection, all the wards and spells, he was gone. Just like that. My eyes welled up with tears. He was dead.

I got up slowly. James was dead, but that didn't mean that Lily and Harry were too. James would've given up his life for them. And if that meant fighting Voldemort to the death himself to give Lily and Harry time to get out, he would. He was an honorable man, James was. I just wish that he had lived long enough for Harry to know him.

A tear trickled down my face. I didn't wipe it. I imagined what James would have said. "Padfoot the Great crying! Victoire! The evil Padfoot has failed! All hail Prongs!" Three more drops of salty fluid rolled down my face as I started toward the stairs to look for Lily and Harry. Yes, James, the mighty all-powerful Padfoot the Great has fallen.

Author's Note: Did anyone see my metaphor? Peter's house is a mess! Rats live in messes! Yay me, I learned something in English!

Anyway, if you read (or are reading) Dinner With Voldie and the Escape of the Spies then please bear with me. It's spring break next week so I will definealty overcome my problems by then. I've had to compete state meet (which means no skipping practice), write 2 essays for English, and search for a prom dress (and date). So I've not been slacking off entirely. I am, however, going to try to put up another chapter of Dinner with Voldie and the Escape of the Spies. So again please bear with me.

One last thing: pretty please-with-cherries-on-top review! Even if it is just one word like "the", I will appreciate it and thank you eternally! Wishing you lots of laughter, love, and Harry Potter,

wannabewitch610