"Want"

Disclaimer: If I owned Dark Angel, the person who created the virus would have been fired, and Max and Logan would have been given a bit of time to themselves before all hell broke loose. So I suppose I don't, then.

Summary: My version of Season 3.

Section: Serials.

Spoilers/Timeframe: Following Freak Nation. Spoilers for lots of things up until then.

A/N: Thanks to Danni, Minnie, Katie and Alex who all helped edit this. Dedicated also, Emma, for always refusing spoilers and for (finally) being able to read this. Also, to FS for letting me ramble on about the show even though she doesn't watch it. I promise to listen about Debussy for as long as you want to talk. The great M/L, M/A debate still rages on! This is my first ever fanfic, so feedback is welcomed (please be nice) at magelight314@hotmail.com. Italics denote thought. This is a v. short 1st part, but it seemed like a good place to stop. You may be confused by my spelling. It is correct, I'm just from the wrong side of the Atlantic. If anyone can explain O.C and Herbal's slang to me, it would be much appreciated.

Rating: PG-13

* * * * *

It was a week since they had been barricaded in Terminal City. The soldiers weren't very bright. Although they were watching above ground, they still hadn't caught on to the fact that Seattle was honeycombed with underground tunnels. Namely the sewers. Max sat on the space needle and smiled slightly. She thanked God (or the Blue Lady) for that. She didn't think that she could bear to be without her High Place. It was the only place she felt safe. Except from when she was with Logan. Logan ... I don't want to think about him. Who am I kidding? I think about him all the time, 24/7. It hurts to be with him. To have that terrible want in me, to want dreadfully to touch him – every second of every day. And yet, and yet ... it hurts to be away from him even more. He hasn't caught on yet, thank God, that me and Alec aren't together. If he asked me outright, point blank if I loved him of Alec, I don't think I could lie. I can see the pain flash in his eyes whenever he sees me, or Alec, or the pair of us together. Whenever that happens I just want to throw myself into his arms and kiss the pain away. But I can't. I love him too much. I don't know if I'll ever be able to say it to him. Maybe just thinking it again and again will be enough. Maybe he'll hear. Max sat there, looking out over the city. Heedless to the solitary tear falling slowly down her face.

* * * * *

Logan stood on the space needle, watching the woman he loved heart, body and soul. Two years ago he would have blanched even at the thought of coming this high up, but now he would climb twice as high, three times, merely for a glimpse of her. She wouldn't come and see him, talk to him, unless it was for something important. So here he was watching her watching the city. Pathetic he thought, and laughed softly, bitterly. He looked again, his eyes drawn like a compass needle towards North. She was crying. Even without X5 enhancements he could see that. He wondered what had upset her so much. Maybe she and Alec had a fight. Maybe they broke up. Then he felt ashamed at the hope that had sprung up in his heart. He wanted to take her in is arms and kiss all the pain away. But he couldn't. She wasn't his to kiss. She never had been. The fact that this act would also kill him finally entered his head. Maybe that would be better. She's lost to me now, and without her what do I have to live for? I want her. I love her, but she doesn't love me. Maybe she never did. Her heart belongs to Alec.

* * * * *

Max stopped crying before she even realised that she had begun. Then she reached up and removed the tear from her face. She smiled bitterly. That never woulda happened a year or two ago. He screwed me up. She had not come up here to think about him, and yet she always did. There was no point fighting it. She had come here to have a rest, to shrug of the cares of a leader for a few brief moments, and also to pray. To pray for her family, to hope they weren't feeling the after effects of the destruction of Manticore. They knew where she was now, if they needed help they'd come. If they wanted to help her here they'd join the rank and file. If they'd been caught ... but she didn't think they had. The '09ers had had too much experience at escape and evade. Krit 'n' Syl, stick together. Jondy my sister, hope your safe. Zane, keep fixin' things my brother - maybe one day we'll be able to fix people's ideas. Leiff, hear your doin' 'k, keep it up. Jace, you found freedom late in life, you 'n' yours keep safe … But who's the 12th? Who escaped with us? I didn't see any of my group in those three months at Manticore, but that don't mean nothin', just that they were on assignment ... or dead. Perhaps ... NO! My sister is dead. I resigned myself to that a long time ago. She is DEAD. If she were alive, she'd've come to see me, but she hasn't, so she isn't. I will not think about her. I will not give myself hope. She's not alive. "She's not," Max whispered, not realising that she had spoken the words aloud. Logan heard, and frowned in confusion. What was she thinking about? What was making her cry? For a tear had started to fall again. Max was trying desperately to shut off the memories assaulting her. Memories of a person she had not allowed herself to think of for ten years. Memories of luminous grey eyes and a serious face. She had smiled rarely, even for an X5. Oh my little sister, little Kenna. There, she had thought it, a name she had not thought for twelve years. You never had a chance. What did they do to you?

* * *

Some distance away, on the edges of a sun-dappled forest, a girl pulled herself up into a tree. She opened a notebook, sighed softly and started to write.