Disclaimer: I own nothing. I thank the creators and owners of these characters for allowing me to write fan fiction for my own and others enjoyment.
Bitter Green
Prologue
Entering the world of the corporal again; Sam's felt his hands caressing the soft, silky skin of the woman he was with. As the rest of his senses were returned to him, he could hear her sighs and taste the sweetness of her lips embraced in a passionate kiss. It was her scent, however, that triggered the memory. That brought him the feeling of balance.
He opened his eyes and allowed the last of his senses to confirm the truth of the situation he had leaped into. He was home. The woman in his arms was Donna and they were engaged in that most intimate mystery that a husband and wife could experience.
"Donna, I love you." His voice was soft but his emotions were hard and raw.
She sighed again, kissing his neck, his shoulders. Her hands were lightly playing along his back. The feeling these intimacies produced was nothing short of electric. Every fiber of his body called out to be touched and in turn he too caressed her, kissing her in those secret spots that he knew would increase her passion.
Sam could not have been happier in this "now," in the arms of the one he loved beyond words, beyond time. His feelings spurred him on, caring only to allow her to feel and match the increasing intensity of sensations he felt. They continued exploring each other, experiencing the depths of their love, the deepness of their entwined souls.
He could feel her body tensing slightly, her back arching as a deep moan exited her lips. His mouth hungrily sought out hers and he again felt such love, such tenderness. He was complete.
They lay back, basking in the afterglow of their lovemaking. Her head was cradled in his arm, her fingers playing lightly on his chest. His thumb caressed her breast. He kissed her shoulder, reveling in the feeling of absolute contentment.
He was with his Donna, his lady, his Dulcinea.
As that thought entered his mind, he felt another stirring within. He again started to touch her softly and kiss her deeply and she responded in kind. Again the dance of love consumed them. Again their passions arose, reaching from their souls to reclaim the pinnacle of their love. They reached the summit together, their bodies entwined, and again Sam's mouth sought hers. The kiss was deep and urgent.
This time they were totally spent, all energies expended in love. Afterwards, simply touching softly, quietly.
"I love you, Donna," he said gently once more, placing another feather soft kiss on her shoulder.
She sighed. "I'm sorry. I can't say that back to you."
Sam stiffened. Her words struck his heart, his soul. He knew what he'd felt a moment before and knew she'd felt it too. Why would she say that? His voice, betraying this hurt, he asked incredulously, "What? Why not? Donna, what has changed?" His position shifted so that he was facing her.
She seemed confused. "Paul, nothing has changed. You know that as long as Sam is leaping, I can't, I won't leave him. I don't know what I will do when he is finally home, but it's not worth thinking about until it happens." He felt tears falling from her eyes onto his skin. "If he ever makes it home."
Sam's shock was complete. He noticed a mirror across the room and looked into it. It was not Sam Beckett's face he saw, but rather that of an old colleague, a friend of his from MIT many years before. Donna had not been making love to him, her husband. She'd been making love, giving her body and soul, given what she had pledged only to him to Paul Roth.
Sam felt sick. "Oh, God….no!" left his lips.
PART ONE
Hotel Room, Late Afternoon
Albuquerque Hilton
Albuquerque, NM
Sam pulled suddenly away from her. How could she do…this? His Donna wouldn't, do this, couldn't do this…could she?
"Paul? What is it?" Donna reached out to him.
"I'm not Paul," he stated, angrily, continuing to put distance between them. How could she betray him this way? He found Paul's clothes neatly folded over the chair and started to put them on, disgusted by the feel of the other man's clothing on his body, but he had nothing else to cover his nakedness.
"What? Paul, what's the matter?" Donna was genuinely concerned. That hurt him even more.
"Donna…why? Sam pleaded, his eyes mirroring the hurt this betrayal had caused.
Suddenly she realized who was in the room with her, who had just made love to her. It suddenly made sense. Paul was a caring and generous lover, but Sam knew her like no other. That's why this time it had felt different, so like she had remembered. "Sam?!" She grabbed at the bed sheet, covering herself. "Oh, God…Sam! I…I…"
Sam shook his head at that. She was okay being unclothed in front of Paul but covered herself with her husband? When Sam looked at her again, there were daggers in his eyes. "I asked you a question, Donna. Why? Why would you do this?"
Donna's face had taken on a countenance of abject misery. "Oh, Sam. I never meant for you to find out about this. I never considered this would happen. I should have known." She buried her face in her hands.
"And that makes what you were doing okay? That you were never going to let me know? Donna, you were with Paul Roth!"
Sam paced a tight course. Anger was quickly replacing his earlier shock and hurt.
"Paul said you knew him back at MIT," she offered, weakly.
"Yeah, we worked on the same graduate project with Sebastian LoNigro. How could the fact that we worked together justify what you've done?" The words came out hot. "I've worked with Al longer than with Paul. Did you have an affair with him, too?"
This last brought Donna's anger to the fore as well. "You should know me better than that, Sam. I would never…"
Sam cut her off. "I don't think I know you at all, Donna. Suddenly the concept of 'never' doesn't have the same finality." Sam felt an anger bubbling beneath the surface, the magnitude he'd never felt before. A part of him realized he needed to get out of the room before he did something that at the moment he would not regret, but later would likely haunt him.
He turned and walked out of the room, hearing Donna's sobs replaying in his ears.
October 6, 2007, Late Afternoon
Project Quantum Leap
Stallion's Gate, NM
Al was in his quarters finishing a shower when he heard Ziggy's announcement that Sam had leapt. "I'll be right there Ziggy."
"No need to hurry, Admiral. If my readings are any indication, Dr. Beckett is enjoying himself. I believe that the word 'bliss' might be appropriate."
Al smiled. Seldom did Sam get to leap into a life and enjoy himself. Based on Ziggy's assessment, Sam was handling the beginning of this leap well and from all indications enjoying himself immensely. Al got himself dressed, choosing a pair of turquoise blue trousers with a salmon shirt shot though with yellow arrows. He checked with Ziggy and found that Sam's happiness scale was off the charts. He decided to visit the waiting room and get as much information as he could before going to see his friend.
When he walked in, he was surprised to see that he knew both men in Sam's aura. Paul Roth. He hadn't seen him since his NASA days where Paul had been a physicist. Paul was looking at his face in the reflection on the table. Al hadn't ever thought of it, but Paul and Sam actually looked amazingly similar. They were definite differences though. Seeing them in the same aura pointed out both the similarities and differences succinctly. Al wasn't prepared for his words. "I've leapt into Sam, haven't I?"
"What?"
Paul looked up but Sam's face stared back at Al as well. "I know about the project, Al."
Al was skeptical, "How? It's top secret."
Paul nodded. "Yeah. I know. I'm working on a sub-project related to it in Albuquerque. I'm working on the Quantum Crossover Project with Donna. The one she hopes will fix the retrieval program." Suddenly his face turned white as if he'd just remembered something. "Oh God, Donna!"
"What?"
Suddenly the handlink stated going crazy, the beeps and whistles blaring, the colors flashing. Al looked at the readout and realized he'd better get to Sam. All of Sam's physiological responses were off the scale.
He rushed from the Waiting Room calling to the technician to fire up the Imaging Chamber. Rushing in, he found himself in a hotel room. He saw Sam's form, a palpable tightness in his posture walking out the door. But what shocked him beyond all measure was finding Donna Elesee-Beckett with a bed sheet covering her nudity, sobbing deeply.
PART TWO
Hotel Bar, Late Afternoon
Albuquerque Hilton
Albuquerque, NM
When Al was centered on Sam, he was somewhat surprised to find his friend at the corner table of the well appointed bar area of the Albuquerque Hilton. Sam sat there shaking, with what looked to be a double scotch in from of him. It was poured over the rocks but had not been cut with water.
Oh Lord! thought Al, when Sam is drinking like this, it's gonna be bad! Al could count on the fingers of one hand--wouldn't need the thumb and would have one finger left--the number of times he'd seen Samuel Beckett drink heavily and if history was a good predictor, it meant that Sam had reached a place in himself he had little control over. After this time, he'd only have the thumb left on that hand.
"Sam?"
No answer.
"Sam, what's going on?"
Sam looked at him, his eyes slits. "Al, Donna better be telling the truth that you two have never done the horizontal tango."
The shock Al felt that Sam would make such a statement rivaled the one he had felt a few moments before in the hotel room.
"No, Sam. I'm happily married to Beth. And I would never dally with my best friend's wife if I wasn't."
Sam took a deep sip of the scotch, feeling it course down his throat. On the one hand, the depressant effect of the alcohol was calming his nerves. He'd stopped shaking. On the other hand, it lessened the tenuous hold he had on his emotions and the chief one he was currently feeling was anger.
Al sighed, understanding that the sooner he could ascertain what had occurred, the sooner he'd be able to help his friend. "Sam, I think it would help to talk about what's bothering you."
"She was with Paul Roth" Sam's voice was a mix of anger and bitterness
"I recognized him in the Waiting Room."
Surprised, Sam asked, "You know him?"
Al answered casually, "He worked at NASA back when I was an astronaut. We were friends. You know, we'd go out to the clubs together. Had some great times.
Sam looked down into his glass, his eyes blazing, "I can't believe he'd do this."
"Do what?"
"Sleep with my wife."
Al felt like he'd been hit with a baseball bat. "What?! Oh, Sam. You gotta have it wrong. Donna wouldn't…"
"Yeah, well I leaped in and she was. With me, but it was him she was really with." Sam's voice was harder than Al had ever heard. There was an edge to it that scared him, not because he hadn't heard that edge in someone's voice before, but because it was coming from Sam. He watched as Sam took another large sip from the crystal tumbler in front of him.
"Sam, you might want to take it easy with that stuff. You don't have much of a tolerance."
"I want to get drunk, Al. I want to forget that less than an hour ago I made love to my wife and she wasn't with me at all." Another sip. The tumbler was almost empty. Sam indicated to the bartender he wanted another one. His voice taking on an almost pleading tone, he stated, "I want to get so sloshed that my brain stops working."
Al thought back to that previous timeline, the one that was barely a whisper in his mind, the one that the man in front of him had banished from the reality he'd lived for the past 47 years. As he pulled harder on that memory, he recalled having that same thought when he'd returned from Vietnam and found that Beth had had him declared dead and married Dirk Simon. "Aw, Sam."
"Whatever I'm here to do, I don't want to do it." Sam looked at his reflection in the mirror over the bar and laughed quietly but harshly, no humor in it at all. "If I wasn't him, I think I'd kill him."
Al was treading softly. "Uh, Sam, then you'll remain here facing his reflection everyday. I think it would be better to take care of whatever you need to do and leap out." Sam looked up at Al with eyes dulled by the alcohol he'd consumed. They looked like the eyes Al had seen when Sam had blamed himself for trading Maggie Dawson's life for his brother's. The pain within them was almost more than Al could bear. It was a pain that was anchored in Sam's soul.
"Good point. Okay. What am I here to do?" Al noticed a distinctive slur to Sam's words.
"Not sure yet."
"Figures." Sam took another drink of the scotch.
Al explained, "Well, Sam, you're only a day in our past. All this literally happened yesterday."
Sam's voice took on a cynical tone. "Has Paul told you how long he's been banging Donna?" Another sip.
While shocked at the crudeness of Sam's choice of words, Al maintained his composure. "We haven't exactly gotten into that conversation, Sam. This is as new to me as it is to you."
Tears started filling Sam's eyes. He scrubbed at them and then took a deep breath. Letting it out slowly, he looked up at Al, deep pain evident in his green eyes. "I need to know, Al. I need to know how long Donna's been unfaithful." Another sour laugh exited his throat. He took another sip of scotch and shook his head. "I thought it was bad when she left me at the altar before I changed things. Some second chance. I guess the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Al looked away from Sam, again recalling a memory that he'd put behind him The memory was of a time, very early in Sam's leaping. Twelve years ago. He'd hated Donna then, for what she'd done to Sam, for leaving him at the altar. Then Sam saw Donna during the leap to Lawrence College. Sam decided it was his second chance to get Donna back. Al had tried to stop him from that path but ultimately, the pain in Sam Beckett's eyes had reached him and he had put everything on the line to help his friend trapped in time.
Right after Sam leapt from Washington, D.C., the first of the changes that affected PQL had taken place. The timeline realigned and Donna Elesee-Beckett was the Lead Project Manager. Where before it had only been Al and Sam bringing Sam's dream to fruition, after that leap, Donna had married Sam at the Old Mission Chapel in Taos and then become his partner in planning and implementing PQL with Al helping them both. Al had accepted that. Sam was happy.
Another memory triggered. The first time Sam had leapt into Beth's life. Al had felt that it was his turn at a second chance. When Sam had refused, citing it was against the rules, Al had been devastated but he had accepted that too.
Even when Sam continued to try to fix his personal timeline, Al had done everything he could to help Sam. When most of the things that Sam tried to fix didn't work out and Sam was ready to quit, Al was there to pick him back up and put his gift in perspective. When the time had come to choose between his own repatriation originally five years earlier or the chance to save Sam's brother's life, he had only hesitated a second. Due to Al's sacrifice, Tom was alive. Al again accepted that.
Then Sam had repaid that sacrifice. Al had known the cost of his own, known that he would have to spend those years in that hell-hole in Vietnam, tortured beyond pain, a mere pawn in Major Quon's sick and twisted game. He knew where his freedom lay. As long as his mind was free, he could get through the pain. But Sam's sacrifice didn't come with a time expiration stamp. He chose to go back to Beth and let her know that Al was alive and would be coming home. The timeline had realigned and Al had Beth and the rest of his family, which included Sam's family too. All because of Sam.
Al knew that Donna had been lonely, knew that she had seen her husband return only to reenter the fray. She'd lived at the Project from the date Sam had leaped until she had moved to Albuquerque with their son to put him into a private school when he was six. Thomas John, known as TJ, had been born nine months after Sam had leapt back home to her three years into his leaping, promising he would come back to her again when he leapt back to save Al's life. She and TJ had moved away a little over three years later, she to work on another project loosely connected but potentially critical to PQL, their son to grow up with a life beyond the project that was his father's lifelong dream. Donna hoped that the work she was doing would result in the breakthrough that would fix the retrieval program and would bring him home. Bring Sam back to her. He had only returned once since then and had never even seen Donna during that leap.
Paul Roth was one of the lead physicist's on Donna's current project. Al had learned that much from his short visit with Paul. That he was currently working with Donna on the Quantum Crossover Project. Al had known Paul Roth years before and they had gotten to know each other. Hearing that he and Donna had chosen to have an affair was too much. Suddenly he felt the need for a confrontation.
Not sure it was wise to leave his friend in this state but knowing he had to take action, Al made a simple request. "Sam, don't do anything until I get back."
The alcohol consumption had dulled the edge that Sam had earlier exhibited. Al wasn't sure Sam would be coordinated enough to walk at this point. But Al could tell that Sam wasn't finished abusing his brain cells so he wasn't surprised at Sam's response. "Al, I have no intention of doing anything but continuing my current actions." He raised the glass to Al and took another sip. Not much left in this one now, either.
Al thought but didn't say that he didn't envy the hangover that Sam was going to have. "Do yourself a favor, pal. Make sure you drink some water with that scotch."
Sam nodded, finished the contents of the current tumbler and ordered another. With a side glass of water.
Al shook his head, keyed in the code and left the Imaging Chamber.
October 6, 2007, Evening
Project Quantum Leap
Stallion's Gate, NM
Al threw the handlink to the technician as soon as he left the room. He had visit he needed to pay in the waiting room.
Al's face was red and his body language did not bode well for Paul's continued health. "You son of a bitch! How could you do this! You had to know Donna was a married woman!"
Paul shook his head sadly, "Yes, I knew, Al. I also knew she was in pain and wanted someone to hold."
"So you decided to offer your services! What kind of fucking nozzle are you?"
"It wasn't like that! We tried to keep our relationship friendly. It was just too much for her to take anymore." He put his head down, and softly whispered, "And I'd fallen in love with her."
"And that makes everything right!
Paul's head suddenly came up, his voice angry and loud. "No. It's not right! But neither is this damned experiment! How can Sam keep leaping! The first time he came back, he left her again and promised to return. And then when he came back during that leap last year, Donna didn't even get the chance to see him. Her heart is broken, Al. How the heck am I supposed to turn away from her! She doesn't deserve that."
Suddenly, Al realized it wasn't just Paul and Donna he was angry at. He was angry with Sam as well. When Sam had married Donna, Al had been his best man. Sam and Donna had become as close a family to Al and Beth and their brood. Through all the years at the Project where first just she, and then she and TJ had lived, Al had grown to love Donna like a sister.
Al knew that if Sam had not stepped into the Accelerator, the world he was currently living in would look much different. Both his and Sam's personal histories had been changed greatly from that first leap in May 1995. But the changes to those histories had all started with Sam choosing to fix the reason that Donna had left him at the altar. Al knew how devastated Sam had been and the romantic in him had told him that keeping the one great love in Sam's life was important.
Al had hated Donna before that leap, then he had accepted her as a colleague, then as a friend, and finally as a virtual sister. Now he felt like he should hate her again for what she'd done. For her betrayal of Sam. But he couldn't. Had Sam himself driven Donna to this by never returning to her, the woman who had spent her adolescence fearing abandonment? Sam had alleviated her fear in that early leap into her life. But the feelings that fear created, although greatly diminished for many years, had risen up in Donna as over the years Sam was absent from her life. Al was certain that this was the primary factor in Donna's willingness to have an affair.
And so, the satisfaction he took in slamming his fist into Sam Beckett's visage was almost as great as the satisfaction derived from hitting Paul Roth for the role he played in this calamity. "Damn you both!"
Al looked at the man sprawled before him, blood starting to seep from the cut under his eye. He turned tightly on his heel. "Ziggy...open the damned door before I do any more damage!" He didn't look back.
October 6, 2007, Evening
Calavicci Quarters,
Project Quantum Leap
Stallion's Gate, NM
When Al walked into their quarters, Beth hadn't said anything. She could read this man. Something had Al and he was struggling to come to terms with it. She watched as he headed into his office and shut the door. He'd been in there about thirty minutes when she tapped softly.
"Al?"
Hearing no answer, she padded away, continuing to work around the house. She knew that Al would eventually come out. Today was no different. About fifteen minutes later, the door opened.
"Beth?"
"Yes."
"I need to know something."
"What?"
"Before Sam came to talk to you that night, when he told you I was coming home, how did you feel?"
"What brought this on, Al?"
He knew that Beth was Donna's friend, but he had to talk to someone about this. "Donna's had an affair."
"She went through with it then."
"You knew?"
"No. I knew she was torn. She didn't know what she was going to do. We talked."
"What did you tell her?"
"I told her she had to decide what she wanted to do. She's been sad for a long time. Sometimes I think TJ is the only one keeping her going"
"I know. Sam's been gone twelve years!"
"Al, before Sam came to me, I was going to have you declared dead. I couldn't stand living without you anymore. The pain was too great."
"You didn't love me?"
"No, I loved you too much. Everyday was becoming a struggle to hold onto you. When Sam came to me, it was an answer to prayer. He truly saved our life together. He gave me something to hang onto. I don't think Donna has that."
"Yeah. I'll be forever grateful for what Sam did that night. I just don't know what to do here. I'm upset with both of them. If only…"
"But Al, you know that's how it goes sometime. I suggest you talk with Donna. I think hearing her side of things may help you decide how to help Sam.
He took Beth into his arms and kissed her. She responded and the kiss became deeper. Al knew then that he would make love to his wife before returning to the strange leap Sam had found himself in, thankful that she was still with him after all these years.
PART THREE
October 7, 2007, Morning
Albuquerque Hilton
Albuquerque, NM
It was fortunate that Sam was still sleeping. Al knew from his experiences years before with that liquid demon that he would be out for at least a few hours and would be unlikely to need his Observer. That gave him the opportunity to take a helicopter to Albuquerque. He agreed with Beth. He had to talk to Donna.
He had confirmed the fact that she had stayed in the room at the Hilton. When he had called to set up this meeting he'd asked her why she stayed. She said she didn't know but although she knew it was an unreasonable hope, she felt she should stay in case Sam returned and they could talk about what had happened. She wasn't surprised to know that Al knew what had happened. She'd figured that if Sam was there, Al wouldn't be far behind.
Al arrived at the Hilton and met Donna in the restaurant. They ordered coffees. Sitting across from her, he felt a mixture of anger and pity. It was an interesting combination.
"Al, you don't know how horrible I feel about this situation. I never meant to hurt Sam. I love him."
"It's a funny way of showing it, Donna."
"I know. I just couldn't stand it anymore. Do you know the song, Bitter Green by Gordon Lightfoot? I felt that will be me. Dying dreaming of Sam, never really living, only to have him return after I'm gone. I didn't want to face that."
Al sighed. "I know it's been hard on you. But you, of all people, should have known how this would affect Sam."
Donna looked down into her coffee. "To be honest, I didn't think about Sam at all. This was about me. Pretty selfish, huh."
"Well, we all do what we can to survive." Al felt torn. He could see both sides of this situation. Sam's hurt and anger as the betrayed party. Donna's belief that she was somewhat justified due to the circumstances. After talking with Beth, his own memories of how his thoughts of Beth had kept him sane in the most insane situation one could imagine and of the thankfulness he felt when she was waiting for him when he returned played out in his head. But Sam's situation, as Beth had pointed out, while similar was not the same.
Sam Beckett, his best friend and partner, was one of the most amazing people Al had ever met. Smart in so many ways, he was also incredibly naïve when it came to the ways of the world. If Al had not been there for him, feeding him the information he needed during his leaps through time, Al questioned whether he'd be alive today, twelve years after that fateful night. But he was alive and therein was the dilemma.
Where Sam's bringing Beth back into his life had allowed them to be together for the 36 years since he'd been repatriated, bringing Donna back, while allowing them time together from their marriage to his leap had also lead to twelve years of absolute hell for Donna. And Beth had waited for Al – but not because she was willing to stay the course with an unknown future — because Sam had removed much of the unknown from that future. She stayed because he had told her there would be a happy ending but only if she believed that Al was coming home. Told her with the surety that comes from knowing the future without question.
Donna had a different reality. There was no one who could tell her when or if her husband would return. If Sam had been dead, it would have been easier for Donna. She could have remarried, made a life for herself. But instead, Sam was alive and she knew it. He was alive but in many ways dead to her. And, to add to that burden, she knew that most times he didn't remember her and thus did not feel the constraint that marriage put on keeping oneself true to their spouse. Indeed, the day she had learned that Sammie Jo Fuller was her husband's child, conceived years before when he had leapt into her mother's life, she had felt a sadness that would haunt her through the years. She was holding their six month old child when time shifted and this woman had become a part of the project. Yes, she knew that Sam would not intentionally hurt her. But it did hurt.
"I don't know what I should do, Al."
"Well, I'm sure this will get sorted out somehow. Sam's leap has to be connected with sorting this out. By the way, where is TJ right now?"
"He's on a field trip with his school. They've gone to visit the Trinity Site and the Very Large Array outside Socorro and then the bird sanctuary on Sunday. He won't be back until Monday afternoon
"I see. So you had the weekend free of any constraints. Is this the first time, Donna?"
"No, it's not. This is the third time. It isn't really something I'm proud of."
"I imagine not. But why now, Donna? Was it the move to Albuquerque?"
"I guess that was partially it. I mean, while I was in Stallion's Springs, there really wasn't anyone I would have even considered being with. Even though we were co-heads of the Project, it was always Sam's baby. Everyone there from the start he had handpicked. And anyone who came onto the project afterwards still had the commitment to Sam deeply embedded. When I moved to Albuquerque that changed. Suddenly, the Project constraints weren't as relevant. I started to think about what my life had been like since Sam leapt."
"Why Paul?"
"Initially, we just had the work in common. Then, when Paul realized I was married to Sam, we started talking about him. Paul has always admired and respected Sam. He wants to help him get home as much as I do. But over the months, we started getting closer. I started feeling things that I hadn't felt in so long. I needed someone, Al, and Sam wasn't here. Sam doesn't even remember me or TJ most of the time. I just got weak."
Al nodded, "Yeah. I guess that you might. I guess it didn't help that Paul and Sam are similar physically."
"Not just that, Al. Paul and Sam share a lot of the same personality traits. They are both incredible human beings." Donna paused before asking, "Al, what are you going to say to Sam?" She looked down into her coffee mug, "I know you've gotta hate me right now. I don't blame you. I imagine Sam hates me too." She looked to the ceiling and blew out a breath. "I just can't believe this is happening."
Al sighed. "I don't know what I'm going to say to him yet, Donna. I don't hate you. I wish I did. It would make it easier. I don't know about Sam. This has cut him pretty deep. I don't think I've ever seen him in this much pain."
Donna nodded, not facing Al's eyes. "I know. I wish I could take it all back." She looked up then and her tear filled eyes gazed at Al begging him to help. "Just let Sam know I didn't do this because I hate him, or because I no longer love him. I did this because I'm afraid we'll never really be together again like before he leapt."
"Hindsight is 20/20. As I say, I don't know exactly what I'll say to Sam, but I'll keep your words in mind, Donna." Al pushed his now cold coffee to the side. "Well, I have to get back to the Project now. Sam will be waking up soon and I need to be there for him."
"You're a good friend, Al. A better friend than I am a wife."
Al stood up to leave. "Ummm. Well. I'll call you later, Donna. Hopefully this will all resolve soon." He turned and left, leaving Donna to consider their conversation.
October 6, 2007, Morning (1 day before current project time)
Hotel Room
Albuquerque Hilton
Albuquerque, NM
Sam almost got his wish. He'd drank more the night before than he ever had. But even that was not enough to make him forget. Almost, but not quite.
He vaguely remembered the bartender cutting him off and suggesting that he return to his room. He had found the keycard to the room where he had found Donna and Paul together and took an almost perverse pleasure in charging the drinks to the room, which he found had been booked for the weekend. He'd decided to take a separate room for himself. He certainly wasn't in any condition to seek out other lodging and there was no way he'd go to Paul's abode.
He'd stumbled into the elevator and had gone to his room, falling into bed, feeling the room reeling about him. He'd barely made it to the bathroom before he retched his guts out, his body trying to rid itself of the excess alcohol in his system, at least the part that hadn't already entered his bloodstream. He hadn't felt any better afterwards. He fell into an alcohol induced, deeply unsatisfying sleep. He awoke several times during the night, his dreams turning to nightmare images replaying the debacle this slice of his life had become.
Finally, he awoke for the final time around dawn, feeling like his head was about to split open and with an almost insatiable desire for water. Problem was, as he drank the water, the effects of the alcohol became evident again. Yet, within that re-drunken state, Sam started to think about yesterdays events.
Donna, his heart pulled her in. Donna, his heart pushed her out. He'd been cut so deeply, torn apart. It was weird, but somehow, the Swiss-cheese effect that usually affected him significantly didn't seem to be affecting him as extensively on this leap. He was remembering his leaps; especially the one's where Donna had been present in one time or the other. He thought about them now, trying figure out what had gone so terribly wrong.
In many ways, it was difficult to put it all together. For most couples, there was a distinct and unique chronology to their relationship. Sam had effectively jumbled that chronology when he had chosen to leap through time. There was the original timeline when Donna left him at the altar, the timeline he had first fixed when he'd put Donna in contact with her father, the timeline that had begun after he and Al had switched places after his leap into the mental hospital. He smiled. That was when he and Donna created TJ. He frowned when he realized he seldom remembered them. He'd never really gotten to know his son; a boy he had only learned existed a few months before when Al had let that slip during a leap. He thought for a moment how sad that was. He had two children and had never seen either of them grow up.
Suddenly, a sickening thought hit him. Am I partially responsible for this? How could I expect a woman to live through all that leaping through time entailed, seldom being with her and never with their son. He'd never gotten to know his son; a boy he had only learned existed a few years before when Al had let that slip during that leap when he prevented the tragedy that would have taken Donna and TJ's life.
He remembered how horrid the pain felt when Al had told him that Donna and TJ would die in a car accident. He'd been able to save them when he'd leapt into the body of the drunk driver that had originally collided with them at 80 miles per hour, killing them instantly. Would he prefer that timeline to the one he was currently living? No. Absolutely not.
He thought for a moment how sad his life truly was. He had a wife he seldom remembered and two children who had never had him as part of their lives. It hurt him that he had not been the father to his children that his father had been to him.
Sam heard the Imaging Chamber door open and Al walked into his existence again.
Al was tapping on the handlink. "How are you feeling, Sam?"
Sam reached his finger up to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Like there's someone with a jack-hammer inside my head and its being deployed behind my eyes."
Al nodded. "Been there. Never a pleasant experience. I tried to warn you, Sam."
"I know. But it sure seemed like the best thing to do at the time." Sam was silent for a moment. "Al, where's TJ in all of this? Surely she doesn't just leave him at home alone while she's..." the words turned hot and angry, "with him."
"Donna told me he's on a field trip with his school. They've gone to visit the Very Large Array outside Socorro. He won't be back until Monday afternoon."
"You've talked with her?"
"Yeah. I thought it would be best to get her side of the story."
Sam got up to start pacing but quickly realized he was too unstable. He plopped back into the chair. "Al, there's no justification for what she's done! I'm the one who's been injured here. I thought Donna loved me."
"She still does, Sam." Al's voice held a certainty that Sam dismissed.
"How can you say that? Didn't I make it clear what she's done?"
"Crystal clear, Sam. But there are many reasons people do what they do. You know that. You've seen that so many times during your leaping. Donna had reached her breaking point."
"Is that what you call it?"
"Yeah, that's what I call it. Sam, do you know how many times you've been with Donna over the past twelve years? Do you know how many times you've even remembered being married? Remembered Donna at all?"
A bitterness was in Sam's voice as he said, "No, I don't remember. Why don't you fill me in?"
"Sam, you've only been back to the project twice since you started leaping. Only one of those times were you with Donna. As to the times you've remembered Donna during your leaps, I'd say you can count them on two hands. She's your 'Girl From Yesterday.'"
"Excuse me?"
"'Girl From Yesterday." It's an Eagle's song. About a woman whose lover has left her, who is always waiting for him to return, who wants to believe that he'll be back someday, who knows in her heart, it may be he'll never return."
Sam looked determined. "Al, I will be home someday."
Al shook his head, "You don't know that, Sam. Not really. You may never return. I don't believe that, but that's based on faith, not fact. It's been twelve years. How many more will Donna have to wait? Years she wouldn't have if you hadn't changed things to begin with."
Sam considered this. He realized that indeed, he had played a part in Donna's indiscretions. That if he were with her, she wouldn't be alone there in his future. He realized that Al was right. He didn't know for certain when he'd get home. He, too, believed it wasn't a matter of if. He would get home.
Yet, there was distress in his voice as he turned to Al, "Donna doesn't want to wait for me?"
"She will wait, Sam. She will do everything she can to get you home. But she can't ignore her life either. She can't put her life on pause, never knowing if it will ever start again."
Sam nodded, the idea taking hold in his mind. "I've really put us into a no-win situation, haven't I?"
"That's about the size of it, Sam. You and Donna need to talk. Why don't you give her a call? She's still in room 745. " Al started punching the keys to exit the Imaging Chamber. Before he left he gave one final piece of advice to his friend, "And Sam. I know it hurts right now. But you need to listen. Really listen."
PART FOUR
October 6, 2007, Late Morning (1 day before current project time)
Sam's Hotel Room
Albuquerque Hilton
Albuquerque, NM
Sam called Donna's room. He heard the phone connection established.
"Hello?"
"I think we need to talk."
"Oh, Sam. I'm so sorry about all of…"
Sam cut her off. "Donna, we need to talk but not over the phone."
"Okay." She sounded tentative.
Sam sighed deeply. "Do you know a place we can meet?"
Donna thought a moment, "How about the Vista Grande over on Central."
"Yes. That will work." Sam knew the place was nice but generally a bit empty in the mid-afternoon.
What time?" Donna asked.
"2:00 p.m."
"All right, Sam."
"Ok. Bye."
"Bye."
Sam heard the connection broken.
October 6, 2007, Mid Afternoon (1 day before current project time)
Vista Grande Restaurant,
Albuquerque, NM
Sam and Donna arrived about the same time. Sam noticed that Donna looked like she hadn't slept much and her eyes were puffy. He wasn't sure what he looked like. He'd found himself avoiding mirrors during this leap, not wanting to see Paul's reflection.
They both headed into the restaurant. Sam requested a secluded booth. Once they were seated, they both ordered ice teas.
After the waitress left, Donna started, "Sam. You have no idea of how sorry I am."
"Are you sorry that you were with him or just sorry that you got caught?"
"I'm sorry that I've hurt you."
His hurt showed itself again in his anguished voice. "Donna, I thought we were making love, not that you were making love to someone else. I thought I was home, in your arms."
Donna tried to explain, "It was different with you, Sam. It confused me for awhile. When you leapt in, it was you I was with. It felt like you, like I remembered. It was you in my mind. I couldn't understand why I was feeling that with Paul. When I realized you'd leapt in, it made sense."
The ice teas arrived and both of them suddenly grew quiet. The waitress smiled at them. "Is there anything else I can get you?'
Sam shook his head. "Not right now. We just need to talk." The waitress nodded and walked off. When he knew she was out of hearing range he asked, "Donna, am I to blame for this?"
Donna denied it. "No, Sam. It's been a lot of things and certainly your being gone is the primary trigger. But I take responsibility for what I did. I just needed to feel loved again. To be a woman again. To feel like something more that a trinket tucked away in a drawer, only taken out and cherished at odd times." Donna stated as she struggled to explain her actions. "Oh Lord, my life is so whacked!"
Sam's incredulously answered, "Your life is whacked?" What about mine, Donna?"
The words came out hot and hard from Donna's lips. "You chose your life, Sam. You chose to step into the Accelerator. You chose to keep leaping the one time you came back into my life."
Sam looked into her eyes, begging her to understand. "Donna, you know I had to do what I did, that I had to leap. What else could I do?"
Donna looked down at her glass. "Sam, if you hadn't leapt into my life back at Lawrence College, we would never have the years that we've had together. We wouldn't have had TJ. For those things I'm grateful. I wouldn't give that time together up for anything. But I never signed on to this marriage to lose myself, to lose what it means to be a woman." She started to cry. Grabbing a tissue, she dabbed at her eyes. "You've been gone twelve years and I have only held you as my husband, as my lover during a very short time, eight years ago. If I'd wanted to give that part of my life up, I'd have become a nun."
Sam reached his hand out to her as he voiced softly, "But, Donna. You know how much I love you."
She looked up at him, searching his eyes, pain evident in her own. "Do I? I know that the activity of leaping causes you to forget me and TJ. I wouldn't allow Al to let you know I was back at the project because I was afraid that would keep you from me, that you'd get back quicker if you could just fix whatever needed to be fixed. I made that decision twelve years ago. But it hurts, Sam, it really hurts to know you are in the arms of another woman, that you are loving her and not me. It's happened so many times."
"I never meant to hurt you, Donna." The agony in Sam's voice could be cut with a knife. "You are my soul."
"I know you never meant to hurt me. I've tried telling myself that over and over again. I know that, here." Donna pointed to her head. She looked at Sam, tears again flowing down her face. "At one time, I trusted that you would never leave me, that I would never again feel those feelings that I had before you reunited me with my father. But this is worse than that. My heart soared when you returned to me eight years ago. Yet, you left me. I understand why you did it in my head, but my heart started breaking that day. I want to believe that you will come back someday, but I can't live with not knowing anymore."
Sam head came up and the words came out hot. "And this is your way of punishing me? To have an…affair? Do you know how it felt to me, to find you in my arms? To feel us together again? To kiss and touch you? To know your love and then to find I wasn't the one you were with! Do you know how I felt?"
Donna shook her head, not wanting to hear his words. "This is not about you, Sam. I'm sorry to say that because I know how badly I've hurt you. But this is about me and my sanity. It's about me deciding not to give into the despair that you may never return home to me. It's about choosing life, and not a living death."
Sam's voice turned bitter. "What about TJ? What about our child, Donna. Does he know?"
Donna slapped him and her voice took on a heated quality. "Don't you ever question how I deal with our son! Of course he doesn't know!" The man at the counter and the waitress looked over to them, concern written on their face. Donna continued, lowering her voice. "His entire life he's looked up to you, heard how you care about others and how you try to make things better in the world. You are not just his father. You're his idol and his hero. I will not take that away from him. Why do you think I chose to meet Paul at the hotel? Because I enjoy sleeping with him in a hotel room? I keep this part of my life totally separate from my family life and from my work life, and the only times we do meet are when TJ is elsewhere which hardly ever happens."
Sam felt his cheek where she'd slapped him with his hand. Bringing up TJ had been a cheap shot and he knew it. He knew that Donna was a good mother and never would do anything consciously to hurt their child. "I'm sorry, Donna. I shouldn't have questioned that." Sam put his head down and combed through his hair. He let out a deep sigh of frustration. "I don't know how to deal with this." He looked up to her, his eyes showing his distress. "All I know is that I love you with all of my heart. And I can't help that I can't remember you or TJ on the leaps. If I had control of what I remember, you'd both definitely be the first memory I'd keep."
'I know that, Sam. I know I'm asking a lot of you to try to understand this. Paul and I have been working together for awhile now. At first, we were just friends. He was someone who knew you even though that was years ago. He was easy to talk to. You know, he has great memories of the work you two did together. Since Paul wasn't from Project Quantum Leap, I felt I could talk about my feelings about the Project and your leaping. He had no history with it. No preconceived ideas. Neither of us planned this to happen."
"How did it happen, Donna?" He wasn't sure he wanted to hear this.
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "We were working late one night trying to figure out how the entangled particles concepts might be used to fix the retrieval program. Paul's as committed to finding a solution to get you home as I am." Donna paused, chewing slightly on her bottom lip. "I started thinking about how long you've been gone and I started to cry. Paul simply held me. And then, he kissed me on my forehead. It was an innocent, caring gesture, Sam, but it pulled something out of me that I've ignored for so long. I started to kiss him back. He told me he fallen in love with me and wanted to be with me."
"And then you went to bed with him." Sam said it with finality.
Donna shook her head. "No, not then. I told Paul I couldn't do that to you. He understood"
"What changed?"
"You probably don't remember when you leapt home about a year ago. You and Al switched places again, another lightning bolt and Al went back into 1935 to save a child from getting caught in the crossfire of a gangster hit in Chicago. Then you leapt back to prevent Al from getting shot. Nobody called me. I didn't even know you were back until after you'd leapt out again." She laughed bitterly, "I knew then I could be waiting my entire life for you to return. Eight years ago, the only time that you leapt back to me, you left swearing you'd come back to me. Eight years ago, Sam. I decided when you left this time, I didn't want to die never knowing if or when I would be loved again. I called Paul. That was the first time. We've only been together two other times since then."
Sam's heart was breaking listening to her explain the not unreasonable need to be loved by someone who was physically present, not some dream or memory. Softly he asked, "Do you love him?"
"Oh Sam." Her voice held a deep sadness. This question was a hard one for her to answer. "I love him in one way. Paul has so many of the attributes that I love in you. He's kind and gentle. And we can talk, like you and I used to do." Donna stopped for a moment, considering her next words. "But do I love him like I love you? No." She stopped again and looked deep into Sam's eyes, "Sam, you are the one who completes me. No one can take your place in my heart. But you're not here. I don't know if you ever will be. And it isn't enough to know you're out there somewhere." Tears sprang to Donna's eyes. "I once asked Beth how she'd felt back when Al was an MIA. She told me that before you visited her, she'd been contemplating having him declared dead. That she couldn't stand not knowing, living her life in the shell of their marriage. I know how that feels, but unlike Beth, I know you're alive. I just don't know if you'll ever be with me again."
Sam thought back to the conversation he'd had earlier that day with Al. The memory of that leap so long ago was suddenly triggered. The memory of when he didn't tell Beth Al would return. Beth had been so vulnerable. He had spent one evening with her in the persona of Jake Rawlins, as she poured her heart out to him. He recalled how he'd simply held Beth as she cried, wanting Al to be with her but not knowing if Al were dead or alive. He remembered hearing Georgia On My Mind played over and over.
He realized that Donna was feeling the same way about him. It wasn't that Beth had stopped loving Al. She just couldn't live with the unknown anymore. When Sam had leapt back to her later and told her Al was coming home, the unknown wasn't scary anymore and Beth had waited for Al.
Donna had a different situation though. The unknown she faced was when he would be back in her life. He didn't have an answer to that. Tears filled his eyes. As they tracked down his face, he whispered, "Oh, Donna. I'm so sorry." He wiped away the tears, continuing "I never thought about what I was effectively asking you to do, to wait for me, maybe for forever. I do love you. With all my heart, I love you. You'll always be my Dulcinea. But I can't do this to you anymore."
She looked at him, questioning. "What can we do, Sam? Can you come back to me and stay?"
The suffering in his eyes was great. But his determination was greater. "I don't know, Donna. I want to but I don't know how."
She looked down again. "Well, then, we're stuck in the same situation."
A word came to mind that Sam had never thought he would say to her, much less suggest. "Do you want a divorce, Donna? At least that way, you would be free of me."
Her voice was heated, "I don't want to be free of you. I want you with me. I want it to be like it was before you leapt."
He nodded. "I know." He took her hands in his own. "But I can't give you that now. I don't know when I can. If I can."
"I know." Donna pulled away and wrapped her arms around her shoulders, deciding in that moment what she was going to do. She nodded, saying, "Sam, I think we should get a divorce. Not because we don't want each other, but because we can't have each other. At least not right now. If we divorce, then we can live our lives separately without betraying each other. If…no when…I'm going to keep believing it is when. When you do come back someday, we can decide what to do then."
Sam nodded. He felt emotionally drained, but he knew she was right. Until he was able to tell her with certainty when he would be with her again and could stay, he had no right to expect her to live her life in limbo. He pulled his composure together. "I trust you'll be able to handle the legalities."
"Yeah. I will."
Sam took her hand in his and brought it to his lips. "I do love you, you know."
She nodded, "I know. And I love you."
They stood up from the table. Donna walked into Sam's arms.
"I know." He wrapped his arms about her. "Donna, I'm so sorry. I wish things were different. I wish we were together." He brushed the hair from her eyes and kissed her forehead. "I promise, Donna. I'll do what I can to get home."
Sam pulled her to him. He didn't want to let her go. He loved her with every part of his being. He forgave her. How could he hate her when he loved her so much? He felt the impending leap as the blue glow overtook him once more. He lifted her chin, touching his lips to hers allowing the kiss to grow deeper and then he was gone. Again.
October 7, 2007, Evening
Project Quantum Leap
Stallion's Gate, NM
Al called Donna's house. She answered on the second ring.
"Hello?"
"Hello, Donna. Rough day?"
"Yeah. Al, you know I don't want this. I just feel I have no choice. I can't live without him anymore."
"I know. I think I've always known this might happen."
"I thought I could do it, Al. Thought I could wait for him. But it's been so many years."
"Have you thought about what you're going to tell TJ? You know he's going to take it hard."
"Yes, I expect so. I'll just tell him his father and I have decided it's for the best and that it has nothing to do with him. That we both love him and that we don't hate each other."
"That should cover it."
"I hope so."
"Well, Donna, if there's anything Beth and I can do, give us a call. This doesn't change the fact that we still care about you."
"And you and Beth are still TJ's Godparents." Donna paused and then went on. "You know, Al. I will still do whatever it takes to get Sam home. And Paul feels the same way. We won't give up on him."
"I figured you wouldn't give up, Donna."
"I still love him, Al."
Al paused. "Donna, you and Sam are truly star-crossed lovers. Maybe someday GFTW will give you two a break. I certainly hope so."
"Thanks Al. Well, it's late. I need to get to bed."
"Yeah. Goodnight, Donna."
"Goodnight."
Al hung the receiver up, not sure where this latest development would lead. Closing his eyes, he said a short prayer for those he loved. And then Al Calavicci headed to his bedroom where his wife laid waiting for him.