Pairing: Rory/Jess (Literati)
A/N: It's my B-day today so I decided to celebrate with some Literati fiction. This is my take on the events in 'Say goodnight, Gracie' so spoilers for that obviously. Also there are a few lines here that are quoted from the episode that I don't own.
Summary: Lit. Then I see you standing there wanting more from me and all I can do is try. My take on the events of "Say goodnight, Gracie'.
~lit~
Then I see you standing there
wanting more from me
and all I can do is
try
~lit~
"What do you want out of life?" she asks him on one particularly lazy afternoon, sitting on the bridge, one foot dangling over the edge playfully, back and forth and he keeps thinking this is the time it'll touch the glassy surface of the water and make a splash. He's too busy imagining the surprised look on her face as the cold water hits her flushed cheeks to actually hear what she's saying at first.
But she keeps looking at him, expectant and he thinks about her question, tries to find an answer to give her just to get that serious look off her face. It doesn't suit her. He doubts the answer he has will make those lips pull upwards into a smile though so he decides to change the subject instead. The sun is high on the sky and he has to squint to see her face in the bright surroundings. "You know maybe we should go somewhere. This sun is making it really hard to keep my eyes open, let alone answer your serious philosophical questions.
"Jess."
It's funny how sometimes with one word you can say so much. She doesn't tell him to stop avoiding her questions or to stop acting immature. All she says is his name, lips drawn together in a tight line, eyes unwavering. But it'll take more than that to break him.
"I'm sure you recall that Marsoult actually killed a guy because of the damn sun so you should take my suggestion with some dose of seriousness," he says, raising his eyebrows suggestively in that playful 'I'm only sort of joking' way.
Rory glares at him in a way that makes him immediately straighten up a little.
"Only you would use Camus to get out of a discussion. Cowardly, I must say. Even for you Mariano," she says with a smile, imitating his look from two seconds ago. "Being the more mature one here I won't even dignify that with a counterargument. I'll just remind you that I already told you all about my five year plan and you can't answer a single question for me."
They're both silent after that as she waits patiently. They have the whole afternoon for themselves and she doesn't mind the silence.
"I don't know," he says playing with the cracks in the wood, head bowed low and shoulders pulled close like he's trying to disappear into that jacket of his and she barely hears him.
"What?"
"I don't know what I want to do with my life, okay?"
He really doesn't. The only thing he does know is that he doesn't want to make plans or think about what he wants from it. Actually he does have one wish, for her to stop talking about the damn plans and go get pizza and maybe a movie with him. That's as far as he goes when it comes to plans and wants.
Deep down he was a pretty simple man. There was no need to complicate your life wishing for the impossible things.
Even the graduation, getting the GED wasn't really what he wanted. It was mostly what others expected from him, the ones that owned small town diners or had a wall covered with half of the Yale gift shop and a 4.8 GPA. He didn't blame them for growing up in a different place, for not living in a dingy apartment in Brooklyn or having an alcoholic for a mother. Actually he didn't even blame her (anymore) for his own lack of ambition that gave place to stupidity that eventually cost him his own future (and a few other things).
And so this morning as he's finally come face to face with the cold truth that he has really lost everything that matters (or should matter) all he really wants is to drink a cup of coffee downstairs (one last time) before Luke wakes up and leave (for good). It looks simple enough for even him not to screw it up.
With accustomed ease he walks up to the half full pot of stale coffee and stops, allowing himself a moment to indulge in the feeling of self-pity as he considers grabbing that bottle of scotch from upstairs instead but then decides to postpone the pity party for later. Luke will already have enough reasons to hate him without Jess robbing him of the only alcohol he has in the house.
All right then, coffee now, alcohol later. If he can afford it.
It's barely six o'clock but the sun that's already climbing up the sky promises it'll be yet another warm sunny day. For some reason that annoys him more than that lukewarm coffee from last night he has no time to heat up so he drinks it up as it is. He takes the time with it, letting the bitterness linger in his mouth, his very own form of self-punishment that doesn't really do much but give him a small sense of movement, makes him believe he's doing something besides letting his life go to waste. That's what he's been doing as long as could remember and now seems like an awful bad time to stop.
Jess zips up his hoodie, takes the bag with his things and moves towards the door.
The bell above the door jingles clashing with the silence and the early morning stillness of the diner as Rory walks in, stopping him dead in his tracks. He's still standing behind the counter, right hand gripping tightly his big worn out bag filled of clothes and books and not much else.
Her hands are full of books and all sorts of differently colored textbooks, he notices before she steps forward careful not to drop any. His hand releases the old bag as he does the same, coming to her assistance.
Rory drops the books on the table with a loud thud, places her yellow schoolbag on the chair and starts putting them in some sort of groups - he's not really sure what the logic behind it is.
"My first class got canceled today," she says breaking their mutual two day silence as if that somehow explains her weird behavior this morning.
"Oh," is all he can manage without choking. He can't do this right now. She wasn't supposed to come here. The only way he would be able to say goodbye to her would be over the phone maybe when he's far, far away (somewhere on the beach in California) because facing her meant questioning his decision even when he knows it's pointless (he's already burned all his bridges). The phone he could do but this… There was a reason Jess Mariano always ran. And those blue eyes staring at him expectantly made that hard to do.
"So what's been going on?" he asks just to prove that he is in fact capable of forming sentences even after all that happened between them.
She shrugs, "Nothing much, Fran died. I went to her funeral yesterday."
"Luke went too," he says conversationally but fails to add that he wanted to come too. He couldn't say he hasn't tried. Twice. Second time he made it all the way to Taylor's and then gave up returning to the diner to work as Taylor looked at him as if he was crazy.
"I saw him."
"Yeah?"
"He was in the back," she says, "but later he came over to stand with me and mom. You-"
"I was working," Jess dishes out a reply he had prepared and that's when the small talk comes to a halt.
This is the last time he'll see her and he can't find anything else to talk about except for the stupid town and Luke? But Rory always has something to say and this time is no exception.
"So-" she starts, fingers taping nervously on the top book of the impressive looking pile. "I was thinking that since I have a few hours to spare this morning I could bring you some books. Maybe even help you out. These are mostly my textbooks-" she says gesturing at the table.
"I know my handwriting sucks so if you can't decipher it I'm here, kinda like your own personal translator," she adds with a small flirtatious smile that would usually make him want to kiss her and maybe make some inappropriate comment but right now it just adds to the weight in his chest "And about matt- I know you're not a big fan of that so I can come by after school and we can go over everything- I got this great trigonometry book from Paris that has everything explained step by step, with those cute colorful diagrams and-"
She's practically bouncing on her feet, overwhelmed with ideas and movement and plans and all he wants is to tell her to stop. Just stop. "Rory-"
"Luke told me you were having a hard time with school and I know it's not easy and you have a lot of catching up to do but I'm sure you can make it. I'll help with whatever I can and there's also summer school if you need more credits and-"
"Rory-" he tries again, a little louder deciding to just say it already and save her the trouble "I'm not graduating."
Time for making amends has long past, and he finds no point in beating around the bush or listening to her ramble, filled with hope and possibilities and all those things he long run out of.
His confession, the first he ever made to her doesn't even register at the beginning as she continues talking right through it until "What?"
Her head snaps upwards, blue eyes looking at him pleadingly as if she's asking him to tell her it's not true, refusing to believe his words. He was never so temped to lie before.
"It's over. Done. I'm not graduating." He says, surprised by the amount of anger in his own voice that makes her take a step back.
Rory shakes her head in denial.
"That can't be right. I know you missed out a lot because of work and the diner but maybe I can talk to the principal for you, tell him I'll guarantee for-"
"It's a little late for that," Jess says calmly as she looks at him incredulously. He had plenty of time to come to terms with this. It wasn't like he hasn't seen it coming. He could do the math. The time he spent at school minus the time spent working for Luke and at Wall Mart equaled Jess not graduating. Simple as that.
"Jess, what are you saying?"
"I missed out on too many classes, exams… and Luke said I can't stay with him anymore if I'm not-" he doesn't get to finish his thought, can't really bring himself to say it, that after today she'll no longer have a reason to climb those stairs behind the curtain.
For the first time that morning Rory is speechless "Wow."
"Yeah," he says with a sigh. "I bet you're sorry you didn't stay with the golden boy now. At least he got his GED. The way I hear it he's even going to college."
If he expected her to be surprised or turned away by his words she wasn't. The look on her face was closer to defeat than astonishment. "Oh, so that's what you're going for now. The pity card, huh?"
"What?" he asks, surprised by their sudden role reversal.
"You know what, I don't care," she says with a sigh waving her hands at him and for a second he thinks she finally got it. There was no point in fighting a battle already lost. But before he gets a chance to speak she continues, "You can be sarcastic all you want but you are graduating."
And now it's his turn to look at her incredulously.
"I'm sorry, but have you and I been having the same conversation here?" he asks leaning closer in wonder, unable to suppress the sarcasm in his voice. Did she not hear him at all and more importantly, why does she even care anymore? Maybe she just doesn't want to return all those heavy books she brought all this way. He hopes it's just that.
He tries not to think about the bag by the counter or the goodbye he won't say. There was already enough bad news for one day, she'll find out about the rest later if she hasn't connected the dots yet. And by the way things are going he's not sure she'll want to see him after today anyway so maybe him leaving is for the best after all.
Briefly he glances at the pile of books on the table, the thought how they probably weigh more then everything he owns combined and stashed in the damn bag making him feel small and inadequate.
"The other night, at Kyle's, when we were upstairs-" she starts, sighs and then says slowly as if she's just came to the particular discovery herself, "I paused."
"You paused." he repeats, baffled and more than a little lost.
"Yes," she confirms and then upon seeing his confused look decides to elaborate "You know when we were-"
"Oh." he says knowingly. The nervous biting of the lip, her almost childlike hands in his hair as his lips travel from those pale collarbones to that place behind her ear, his hands on her waist slowly going down and down and…
"Yeah oh." she says, her cheeks completely red by now, eyes focusing on anything but him. "And that never happened to me before. You know-" she says, nods as her eyes grow wider "-thinking I want this, and it wouldn't be so bad if we actually-" she doesn't finish her sentence but hopes he gets what she is trying to say. You made me feel safe enough to want to do it. I want/ed you to be my first. I may even…love you.
"I never told you but I'm sorry about what happened that night. I never should've-"
"I don't want you to be sorry, I want you to try, okay?" she says honestly. "I'll help you with the principal and assignments and whatever you need. But I can't do it if you don't want to."
"Rory-" he says, his mouth completely dry, focusing on her blue shirt that makes her eyes stand out even more in the grey of the small diner and he's pretty sure he can't face her, look at the pools of blue and say no.
She sighs and forces a smile just to stop those tears in her eyes from spilling out "You know when someone makes you a nice offer like this, a polite thing to do would be to accept."
Jess looks at her. The shade of that shirt she's wearing matches her eye color almost perfectly, he notices.
"Try. For me." she says, her voice soft and so thin that the words barely register in his mind.
Anything he planned to say disappears with those three little words coming from that perfect little mouth of hers. But doesn't she get it? Isn't that all he ever did? Does she really think he hasn't tried over and over again? For her.
And failed miserably.
"I have to go now. I'll be late for school. But I'll come by after to talk, okay?"
He just nods and stands there watching her pick up her bag and turn away thinking how he's glad she came by this morning after all even if not much has changed. He'd really hate it if the last conversation they ever had was the one at the party and her last words to him were the ones said in anger.
"Wait!"
Goodbye is what he wants (should) to say. I'm leaving for California and I'm not coming back. Ever again.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
God, I really want to kiss you.
I love you.
But all the words get stuck in his throat as usual, the years of covering his feelings with sarcasm and cynical retorts, the walls of self-protection too tall and too thick for even her to see through.
There are no words but his body reacts faster than his mouth and he catches her by the arm, spinning her around so she's fully facing him and he kisses her, her soft lips pressing against his. He's torn between pulling her closer to himself and just planting a light kiss on her lips as he does every day, not wanting her to think this is anything but him wishing her a good day at school.
Not wanting her to think this is the last kiss they'll ever share.
It ends up somewhere between the two, his hand holding hers like it's a lifeline, his lips capturing hers, tongue barely grazing her teeth briefly, feeling the minty taste mixing with the strawberry lip-gloss. She smiles a little against his mouth, moving away in that almost shy way, something she still hasn't gotten over and he hopes she never will. And then the moment is over.
She's leaving, doors closing behind her too fast and he thinks it's not enough.
Never enough.
The bus ticket weights heavy in his pocket. A ticket for a bus she goes to school with so he decides to go with the next one that leaves in an hour. Taking his things, half an hour later he walks two blocks to the bus stop, sits on a bench, pulls out a book. And waits.
~lit~
For the first time in her academic life Rory Gilmore couldn't wait for the last bell of the day to ring so she can finally go home. Most of the classes that day passed by in a blur, her mind focusing on things that had little to do with logarithms and a lot to do with dark brown eyes.
It wasn't until she came to her first class of the day that she realized one thing.
He never really looked at her.
It was one of those things that used to drive her crazy, the way he kept looking at her, in that unnerving sort of way while she tried to study or eat her pancakes. But it was his way of trying to shake her up, pull her out of her shell and make her face him, face the world and stop hiding.
And this morning it was as if he was trying to avoid her, like he was trying to hide from her. There was something he wasn't telling her and now she's almost too afraid to find out. Her skin is tingling with the desire to move, to go and as the sound of school bell echoes through the classroom she stands up so quickly she almost drops her books but she doesn't care. All she really wants is to get back to Stars Hollow and order a cup of coffee at Luke's. From Jess.
When he told her about school this morning she was so angry she just wanted to slam those doors in his face and walk away. But she didn't because the thought of being away from him seemed unbearable. It was the only thing she knew for sure in the sea of uncertainty that was their relationship.
She hates it, not knowing. She hates the tightness in her chest as the bus finally comes to a stop with that screeching sound piercing her ears, heart beating so loud she has to remind herself to put one foot in front of the other and just breathe. It scares her, how scared she is, how much she needs him to be there when she steps off this bus.
Her feet finally step onto the solid ground at exactly two fifteen, her hands shaking a little as she fixes her bag. Slowly she looks around and when her eyes pause at something she stubbornly refuses to do what comes instinctively by now, but even more so today - smile. Instead she bites on her lower lip before sitting down on a bench at the bus stop next to a boy with his head buried in a book, some oversized bag placed by his side. His hands are curled around the book a little too tightly, she notices, but chooses not to say anything.
"What are you doing with that giant ugly bag?"
"Nothing much," he says casually. "I was thinking it's time to do some laundry." His lips are pulled tight as he finally looks up to meet her eyes.
Rory looks at the offending object for an excruciatingly long moment, considering his explanation.
"I'd have to agree if those are all your dirty clothes." she says, lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding. Somehow her chest feels a little less tight as she sees his mouth pull upwards into a grin.
He looks at the bag with a weird expression on his face that she can't decipher "Yeah, yeah it is."
"Coffee at Luke's and then Taylors? We can bug him for spare change for the laundry." she offers.
"Thank you for offering to enrage Taylor just to distract me from the mess I'm in but I'm sure I'm the last person Luke wants to see right now. Or ever again. But that's just my humble opinion." he says closing his book.
"I think he'll change his mind when I talk to him. Plus, what could he possibly do to you?"
"I can think of quite a few things of the top of my head, none of them good. And if he can't, well there are some pretty sharp and life threatening objects in that diner that will give him an idea or two."
She looks at him managing to keep a straight face only because he's looking at her like he actually is afraid and that is a one emotion she never associated with Jess. She has a feeling it's not just because of Luke though. Sometimes it's a lot scarier having a future than not, she knows that all too well. "Then let's do the laundry first and then we'll go talk to Luke and explain everything and I promise I'll try to keep all the knives and other dangerous objects out of his reach the whole time, plus there's always a chance Taylor will murder you first so you won't have to face Luke at all."
That finally gets a chuckle out of Jess but she can tell this is upsetting him more then he lets on.
Rory looks at him, thinking what to say "The other day you asked me what I wanted from this life and yeah, I told you all about Yale and Harvard and being a reporter and all that but the truth is I don't really know either. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and decide I want to go to Brown or be a teacher instead. But what I do know with a one hundred percent certainty is that I want, no, need you to be here with me, you know?"
"I do now." he says finally and she believes him.
"Good." she says with a sigh standing up to join him, tipping the scale a little with that smile of hers and returning a little balance to his life, a new sense of direction.
(the end)