A/N: I'm just so fed up with Harry Potter fanfiction in general right now, especially on AO3. Seriously, I found four non slash Harry Potter fics above three thousand kudos on that site, and about ten that weren't HPDM or HPTM fics among that number. I didn't bother looking at fics with less kudos.

I just had to write this after sampling a few of the top rated HPDM fics(which I did mainly just so I can say I did and that I'm not just being ignorant). I don't care if I get a ton of hate for this, I'm posting it anyways. Live with it.

Set during Harry's sixth year.

"Damnit, Hermione!" Harry glared. "This is the third time you've . . . oh, yes, 'accidentally' locked me in a broom cupboard with Malfoy."

Hermione snorted and muttered something, before saying "Sorry" so insincerely that even Ron would have been able to tell she didn't mean it.

"I know they're not accidents," Harry said. "You don't accidentally use esoteric locking spells on a broom cupboard after shoving two people in."

"Well, you should be thanking me!" Hermione exclaimed, finally looking up from her book as she returned his glare.

"Thank . . . you?" Harry asked with more a little confusion. "And no, that wasn't me thanking you. That was me wondering why I would bloody thank you for trapping me in a broom cupboard with Malfoy!"

"Isn't it obvious?" Hermione asked long sufferingly.

"No," Harry said, rolling his eyes. "No, it isn't. So why don't you explain."

"Well," Hermione said. She paused, staring at him as if waiting for him to speak. She huffed when he remained silent. "Fine, you obviously like him. There, I've said it. Your little secret is out in the open."

"What." Harry said flatly. He closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"See?" Hermione said triumphantly. "You're not even denying it!"

"Not denying it-" Harry sputtered. "OF COURSE I DON'T LIKE BLOODY DRACO MALFOY! ARE YOU A MORON?!"

Hermione winced as Harry yelled right next to her.

"Harry, it's fine." Hermione sighed. "Everyone knows."

"Everyone?" Harry asked quietly, before he raised his voice again. "EVERYONE KNOWS?!"

"Yeah, mate," Ron said from the bottom of the stairs to the boys' dorm. He yawned, rubbing his eyes. "Can you keep it down? I don't know why you're still up, mate, but the rest of us are trying to get to sleep."

"I DON'T LIKE BLOODY DRACO MALFOY!" Harry yelled, fists clenching and unclenching by his side.

"Like Hermione-" Ron was interrupted by another yawn. "Like Hermione says, mate, everyone knows."

"Everyone knows?" Harry asked. "Everyone . . . knows. EVERYONE KNOWS A LIE!"

"Stop yelling," Hermione said forcefully.

Harry turned back towards her. "Okay then. Explain to me why you think I like Malfoy."

"Harry, you can stop hiding-"

"Explain." He pointed at Hermione. "Now."

"Fine, though I don't know who you think you're fooling," Hermione said, shaking her head. "You and Draco had your rivalry thing going on."

"Yes, we hate each other," Harry said. "Wait, what do you mean 'had'?"

"You also never fail to stop and chat when you see each other in the halls," Hermione continued, ignoring Harry.

"We never fail to insult each other," Harry corrected.

"You play the same sport, and whenever you're against each other, you spend the entire time talking."

"I spend most of the time alone looking for the snitch," Harry said. "We only ever talk when Malfoy starts it."

"Because you're too shy and he recognizes that," Hermione explained.

"No," Harry said. "Just . . . no. He comes over to insult me. He tails me when I'm looking for the snitch and tries to distract me."

"You have pet names for each other," Hermione said.

"Malfoy calls me Potty," Harry said drily. "I can assure you, that's not a pet name. And I call him Malfoy. That's his actual last name, unless his mum was having an affair or something."

"It's obviously a reference to when you used to be bitter rivals," Hermione elaborated. "You still call him Malfoy and he still calls you Potty because the names remind you of how you first became attracted to each other, of when your hatred turned to lust."

"What the fuck," Harry said flatly. "What the actual fuck, Hermione? We still hate each other, we're still 'bitter rivals,' and there is no lust in the equation. He's a Death Eater."

"Everyone knows you like boys," Hermione explained patiently, ignoring the last bit. "And you spend more time with Malfoy than any other boy other than Ron, and everyone knows you hate him."

"Wait, what?" Harry said, turning to look at Ron.

"It's true, mate," Ron confirmed. "Everyone can see you glaring at me, and gritting your teeth whenever I'm nearby, and trying to get rid of me."

"I get exasperated sometimes," Harry admitted, "but that doesn't mean I hate you! I help you practice Quidditch and we do our Divination homework together!"

"You're just humoring me," Ron said, waving a hand. "Everyone knows you don't want Dumbledore to get suspicious and learn about your wandless magic and that you're really a genius."

"Is he serious?" Harry asked disbelievingly as he turned to Hermione.

"Of course," Hermione said, smiling at him. "We're your friends, Harry. We've been around you for years, and we noticed the discrepancies in your behavior a while ago. Like I said, you don't have to hide anymore."

"Okay," Harry said, back to rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Okay, ignoring that last bit, I don't like boys."

"Okay, Harry," Hermione said, rolling her eyes. "Tell me one time you've shown interest in a girl."

"Cho Chang," Harry said immediately. "I dated her, remember?"

"Oh, please," Hermione said. "Everyone knows you were just being nice to her, because Cedric died and you've got a bleeding heart. And you dated for what, one day?"

"Unofficially, about two months," Harry said. "But yes, we went on one official date."

"And you only kissed her once," Hermione said.

"That wasn't my choice," Harry protested. "If she'd wanted to shag me, I wouldn't have said no."

"Because you've got a bleeding heart," Hermione repeated patiently.

"No," Harry said, crossing his arms. "Because she's a very pretty girl."

"And Draco's a really hunky boy," Hermione countered. "And he wants to shag you. I mean, if I were in your place, I would certainly accept."

"It sounds like you're trying to live vicariously through me in the stupidest way possible," Harry said. "Look, if you want to shag him that bad, just go shag Malfoy. Just make sure he doesn't kill you or obliviate you when you're done."

"Oh, Harry," Hermione said. "Is that about your silly little 'Malfoy's a Death Eater' front again."

"It's not a front."

"Of course it is," Hermione said. "Not a very good one, because you have no proof at all."

"He has a dark mark," Harry said, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

"You have nothing better than circumstantial evidence," Hermione said.

"His entire family served Voldemort," Harry reminded her.

"Only Lucius was ever convicted," Hermione countered. "And he was innocent. He was imperiused, you know."

"How could you buy that?" Harry asked incredulously.

"Okay, fine," Hermione said, sighing. "Maybe they did some bad things in the past, but they're trying to turn over a new leaf, Draco even more so."

"They're still serving Voldemort," Harry said.

"Semantics." Hermione waved off his concerns.

"No, that's not semantics," Harry said heatedly. "They're all Death Eaters. End of story."

"Harry," Hermione said. "Even if that were true, which it isn't, everyone knows you like the bad boys."

"I don't even like boys," Harry reminded her.

"Stop deluding yourself," Hermione said. "Like I said, everyone already knows you and Draco are dating. Everyone also knows that you're into S&M and that you're always the M."

"No," Harry said incredulously. "Just no. What part of my life leads you to think I'd like being controlled- that I'd get off on it?"

"Well, obviously you were so used to it from the Dursleys," Hermione said, "that it's become normal for you, that you've begun to crave it."

"No," Harry said. "That's why I don't accept bull from authority figures. Because I despise the Dursleys."

"And back to you not liking boys," Hermione said. "That's a really flimsy lie, Harry. Other than Cho, have you ever even been interested in a girl?"

"Yes," Harry said immediately. "I've thought loads of girls were pretty before. I went to the Yule Ball with Parvati."

"Just because you needed a date and because you didn't want the social stigma that came with being openly gay," Hermione said. "But you don't need to worry about that anymore. All your friends are here to support you now."

"What friends?" Harry asked rhetorically. "It's pretty much just you and Ron, who apparently thinks I hate him, and maybe Neville."

"Everyone knows you hate me," Ron confirmed. "Because I'm a penniless, money grubbing, jealous little twit who wants to get through life on your coattails."

"Okay," Harry said slowly, "setting aside Ron's crippling self esteem issues, which are way worse than I thought, I have a crush on a girl right now."

Hermione snorted. "You're not fooling anyone, but fine. Who, Harry?"

"I . . ." Harry blushed. "I like . . . Er, are you really going to make me say it?"

"No," Hermione said soothingly. "Of course not. We would never force you to come up with a lie for our sakes."

"Oh, for the love of-" Harry drew his hands down his face. "I like Ginny, okay?! I like Ginny! Your sister, Ron!"

"Oh, Harry," Hermione said dissaprovingly. "It's not nice to play with her feelings just because you want to weave an elaborate lie. Ginny's known you were gay for a while, and, well, she hasn't gotten over you. If she hears about your lie, it's only going to make things worse."

"It's not a lie," Harry protested.

"Everyone knows Ginny's a conniving little bitch," Hermione continued. "She'll probably slip you a love potion at some point, because she knows she could never get you on her own and she wants your money."

Harry turned to Ron in time to see him wince.

"Hey, she's my sister," Ron said, though he didn't sound mad. "Can you not call her a bitch? I mean, I know she kinda is, but just don't say stuff like that while I'm around."

Harry stared at Ron with his mouth hanging open slightly for a second. "Yes, she's your sister, Ron! Why do you think she'd do something like that?"

"Everyone knows she's been loopy since the Chamber of Secrets thing," Ron said confidently.

"Wait, wait, wait," Harry said. "By everyone, you mean . . ."

"Everyone, Harry," Hermione said exasperatedly. "We told the entire school about your adventures, and they all support you now. It's why Draco wants to dominate you so much."

"Okay, that's enough," Harry said. He backed away from the still seated Hermione. Ron was still standing at the foot of the boys' staircase. "I feel like I don't even know you two. I need- I need some time to sort this all out."

"He means shag Draco," Hermione told Ron, whose mouth opened in a silent oh.

"No," Harry said sharply. "I don't. Yes, Hermione, you've locked us in a broom cupboard three times. And no, I don't have super powerful wandless magic, however you got that idea into your head, so it wasn't like I just chose not to break out until you undid the charm.

"I was forced to stay in that cupboard with Malfoy. And you know what? He doesn't like boys either. We actually talked about who we liked in between the insults. He likes a girl named Astoria Greengrass, who's apparently a year below him. He insulted Ginny quite a bit when I told him I like her. We spent most of the time insulting each other, not shagging.

"You locking me in there is nothing except illegal imprisonment, or some kind of law along those lines. Honestly, before this, I thought you were smart, Hermione. Then you had to go and think I BLOODY LIKED DRACO MALFOY! And you came up with stupider and stupider reasons. And Ron apparently is absolutely fine with insulting himself for no reason.

"And Ron apparently hates his sister. You sound like you want to jump Malfoy and you're just holding back because you're 'being a bro,' Hermione. Well, go shag him if you think he'll touch you. I get the feeling- no logical reason or precedent for it, of course- that he maybe doesn't like muggleborns. Yeah, shocker, right?"

"Harry," Hermione began before he cut her off.

"No," Harry said. "You know what? I think I'm going to go join the Death Eaters."

"Because you like Dra-" Ron tried to chime in.

"No," Harry interrupted. "No. And need I remind you that you both still claim he isn't a Death Eater? No, I'm considering it because Bellatrix and her husband are saner than you two and joining an organization headed by someone who wants to kill me personally makes much more sense than anything you two have said in the past quarter hour."

"Harry-" Hermione tried again.

"No," Harry said flatly. "I'm going for a walk. I'll probably be back later to check if you two are sane again. No guarantees, though."

He turned and walked out the portrait hole before either of his apparently insane friends had the chance to say anything even stupider than they already had.

"How rude," Hermione huffed, turning to Ron. "I don't know how he thinks he's fooling anyone."

"Yeah," Ron said. "We didn't even get a chance to tell him we support his relationship. I mean, I've only hated Draco, who I'm apparently addressing by first name now for some reason, since we met. But now I think he'd be great for Harry."

"He would be," Hermione agreed. "He is, even. If only Harry would let us know. I'm starting to think he doesn't trust us. We're just trying to help him come out of the closet."

"Well, I'm going to bed," Ron said, yawning again immediately after. He turned and headed up the stairs.

"I'll wait here to talk some sense into Harry when he gets back," Hermione promised him quickly.

Someone needed to screw Harry's head on straight, if he was resorting to lies and shallow excuses to hide a relationship with Draco Malfoy. He had to know that neither she nor Ron held any animosity towards Draco, and that coming out would do nothing but good for Harry.