HUGE thank yous and squishes to Linsadair for boosting my ego, giving me good ideas, and for hovering over my ass until this was finished! (No, really, this wouldn't have been done by the deadline without her.)
She's here. My insides crumble and my heart leaps into my throat. She's here. I know we'd always said we'd go, but that was before...before any of the rest of it.
The moonlight leaves her glowing, her dark hair fading into the night. As I walk forward she finally sees me, and I watch as her chest rises and she draws her top lip inward. I close the distance between us and wonder how I should break the silence. Hello? I'm sorry? Don't hate me? Should I go? Was this a mistake?
"You were right, it's beautiful up here."
"I can't believe you came." Her voice is neutral, and I can't tell if she's been hoping I'd show up or stay away.
"Well you'd always said this was the best spot in the county." For months she'd talked about wanting to see this comet. She insisted this little mountain on the outskirts of town would be the perfect place to see it, and we both marked our calendars. That was months ago, months before the last night I saw her.
She'd had a bad day and so had I. It felt like we'd been fighting for hours, days even, all culminating in this final blowout.
"Oh my god, I can't do this. I just can't," I snapped.
"What are you saying?"
"I can't handle this, you. James fucked you up, but I can't fix it." James was her ex, and from what I've heard, he was a real piece of work. I've spent most of my time with Alice trying to undo the emotional damage he'd left in his wake, but there was only so much I could do. "You're too...broken." I raised my hands in exasperated defense but I regretted those words as soon as they left my mouth. When I saw her face I knew I'd crossed the line. Where there'd been anger and sadness just moments before, now held an expression devoid of any emotion. The blank stare stopped me dead.
I opened my mouth to speak, to try and take it back, but she held up one hand and closed her eyes. "Get out. Now." I tried to apologize, but she insisted, edging me closer and closer to the door. Tears started streaming down her face as I finally bowed my head and turned to leave. "I never want to see your face again," she called after me.
I sent cards, flowers, anything to try and apologize for what I'd said, but they all went unanswered. I didn't blame her, my behavior was unforgiveable, so I gave up. If she never wanted to see me again I'd give her that, leave her in peace. But when the reminder for tonight rang on my phone I couldn't help but hope she'd be here. I hoped I could have one last chance to talk to her, to apologize again, if nothing else.
I walked toward where she was sitting, neither of us breaking the silence around us.
"I wish I could take back that night," I say, finally. It's so quiet, the air thick with the tension left unresolved.
"Me too." Her voice is so peaceful, like she's thought about that already; but it still has a distant edge of emotion. We both know it's too late for that.
I sit down near her, hoping it's not too much. "I'm sorry. You do know that, right?" I've apologized so many times but, if nothing else, I need her to know that.
"Yes, and I'm sorry, but it doesn't change anything, Jasper."
I sigh gently. I guess that's my answer.
"You know, it would have been easier if you'd just slapped me."
I look straight at her, silent and confused, but I know she's going somewhere with this. "I don't follow."
"You know, if you'd hit me, I'd have called the police before you knew what happened. That would be it. We'd be over, for good, and I wouldn't think twice about it."
"Alice, you know I would never-"
"No, I know that. But the things you said, they hurt, more than you will ever understand. It would have been easier if you'd slapped me. Even physical pain I could take. It would end at some point. But this, this has no end."
I just nod once, stunned. It's all I can think to do. "I'm sorry." I'm sorry I came. This was a mistake. "I should go," I finally resolve. But she continues, and it feels wrong to walk away. Again.
"I think the worst part is that even though I have never been so hurt, I still can't bring myself to hate you. I've tried. I don't even blame you, really, because you're right." She shrugs and closes her eyes, leaving them closed a second too long, and I know she's trying to squelch the tears. I can't take it.
"Hey, Ali, don't say that. I was wrong. I was tired, and I was frustrated, and I was a dick. I had no right. You have a past, so do I, but it doesn't define you. I will never forgive myself for holding it against you. You should hate me, you'd be stupid not to. I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to see me again. I would hate it, but I wouldn't blame you. You are amazing, and I can't let you go without making sure you know that."
"That night I told you I never wanted to see you again-"
I stop her. "I know that, and I'm sorry I came, but I just..." I don't know. I don't know what I was hoping to accomplish by coming here.
"I wish I could take it back."
"What?"
"I've spent the last two months thinking about you, and I don't want to never see you again, Jasper."
"Are you saying..."
"But I can't be with you and walk on eggshells, waiting for you to say something like that any time we fight. I can't handle that. I won't."
"You won't have to, I promise." She tilts her head, ready to counter, but I go on. "And I know I can sit here and say that a million times over, but that doesn't mean anything. But since I left that night, I've known what it would be like to lose you. I don't want to do that ever again. So I swear to you that I would never jeopardize that again."
"But nothing's changed. This is still me. Don't say that if you can't handle it." Tears pool in her eyes and she doesn't fight them.
"What I can't handle is losing you. Please give me another chance. Let me prove it. It will be the only chance I need, Alice. Please." I move one hand to the side of her cheek, brushing her tears away with my thumb.
Suddenly, she pulls herself toward me and her quivering lips crash against mine, taking my breath away. I wrap my arms around her, afraid that she'll pull away, that this is her goodbye. Her fingers clasp the hair at the nape of my neck, making me her voluntary hostage. My fingers clutch her back desperately as I try and take it all in, soak up as much of her as I can. Her lips are soft and she smells like peaches; she's perfect. When she pulls her mouth away, she rests her head against my shoulder and I hold her tighter, realizing this may not be the end I was fearing afterall.
"Alice," I hesitate. "Does this mean...?" I whisper hopefully.
"Let's go home." She smiles up at me softly.