"That´s why you quit with Tobin?" Michonne asked.

This subject was a little bit like the elephant in the room … again. But Carol had to talk about it with Michonne because after all, who else could she talk with about something like that?

Carol swallowed "You know … I … can't … I just … I tried, but I felt so … pressured. He expected it, and that's why I was afraid. That´s why I'm always afraid"

"But you do want it, don´t you? I don't think he was the right one, I knew it, felt it"

Michonne, sitting next to Carol in the little café where they sometimes met after work, raised her brows. Carol smiled insecurely and let her hands run over the red fabric on the chair. Here they were again, Carol and her complicated relationships with men, still a delicate matter. She wanted someone, and she wanted physical closeness, but she was too afraid.

After her marriage with Ed, she wanted to feel something, finally feel something, but she was her own worst enemy. She dated men - sometimes she even liked them - and she wanted to move forward, but their desire scared her. Even if she really needed to have a good experience with physical intimacy, and even if they were as patient and gentle as possible, she couldn't get past her fears.

Tobin spent seven months getting close to Carol, step by step, but it wasn´t enough. He knew how broken she was and he took it really slow. So slow, the guilty conscience in Carol grew with every minute she spent with him. After dinners in restaurants and dinners at her place and his place, after several evenings on the sofa or at the movie theatre, after many walks in the park and parties with her friends and his friends, they finally shared their first kiss when he brought her home after his birthday.

Some weeks later, they progressed to the next step. She wanted to try; she really did. She thought she was ready, but Carol was trembling when Tobin's hands moved from her shoulders and explored further down. She said "stop!" and he did so.

She'd learned to say stop in the meetings with her therapist. She learned her personal boundaries - both emotional and physical - and Tobin wasn't able to cross both of them. Carol slowly resigned herself to accept her situation. What else could she do? She couldn't force something she wasn't ready to accept. Probably the anxiety of physical contact would have grown with every attempt and they would have never come far enough. The more she tried, the more scared she became, and the more she disappointed him.

"Maybe I'm too broken, and I've missed my chance." Carol's words were a tranquil whisper when the waitress suddenly arrived at the table.

They ordered two cups of coffee and a big piece of the superlative chocolate cake you could only get in "Maggie´s Café", for each of them. It was the kind of cake you celebrate like a party in your mouth, but you would regret eating it after the first bite. Michonne took the first bite and Carol quickly followed. They couldn't help but moan, twin smirks of satisfaction on their faces.

"That´s a great pleasure, I should stick to the cake!" Carol admitted with a half smile.

"Does that mean you want to end up as a fat frustrated woman?" Michonne teased.

Carol replied, "Hey, a fat frustrated woman with the best cake on earth! That´s a fairly good deal!"

"Do you think it would be easier for you, if a man wouldn't want you? That makes no sense, huh? I mean, you can't make a man sleep with you, if he doesn't want it … unless he would only sleep with you because you would pay for it," Michonne giggled, but suddenly she made a surprised face at her own stupid remark.

Michonne´s eyes went wide "Damn, that´s it! Have I told you about the office we furnished last week?"

Michonne was an architect and sometimes she got really extraordinary assignments. People with a lot of money could have odd ideas. Not the assignment per se, but rather the business.

"That guy who owns the premises … he´s got a very, very interesting business, honey!"

Carol looked skeptical and Michonne sipped on her coffee, eyeing her excitedly.

"It's some kind of … agency. He´s got a lot of women and some men who provide company to paying clients, if you know what I mean!" Michonne said with a wink.

Carols eyes went wide and her mouth fell open. "What? You can't be serious, darling!"

Michonne nodded knowingly. "You make an appointment with him, he shows you his available escorts and you can take your pick!"

"You mean for … for … you know!?" Carol gasped quietly, her eyes still wide.

"They won´t mow the lawn, girl!" Michonne giggled

Carol took another bite of the sinfully decadent cake, sat back and stared out of the big picture window.

"You're crazy, Michonne!"

"Maybe I am, but you should give it a try! Just call the owner and look at what he has to offer! If you´re not interested it's ok, but if you are - all the better! There´s nothing to lose! Even if you won't find someone you would … uhm … date … you can still tell me about the sexy guys in the catalogue!" Michonne couldn't help but grin.

Maybe the idea wasn't that odd. Carol could pick a man she liked, and everything would go her way. There was no reason for the man to be disappointed or frustrated. He wouldn't force her, he wouldn't rush things. This man wouldn't be interested in her either on an emotional level, or in a physical way, because he would only be doing his job and she would be the paying client who would make the rules. She often thought about how it would feel to be close to a man in a good way. It wasn't only about sex. Even if she would never be ready for sex, a man she´d pay would only go as far as she wanted without expecting more.

In the past, Carol had often thought about being touched by a man, and maybe she would´ve allowed Tobin to touch her, but then she thought, if she couldn't have gone further, the disappointment would've grown, or Tobin would've lost control. He'd wanted her; she had felt it and it had scared her.

Carol appreciated human closeness. She enjoyed an arm around her shoulder or a hug between friends, or cuddling with Sophia a long time ago. Sometimes Sophia´s closeness was the only one she could tolerate, because she knew, her little girl wouldn't hurt her.

Touches with sexual intentions scared her because in the end there would be nothing but pain and degradation. She knew it shouldn't be like that. She'd heard about it … read about it, but she was familiar with the bitter truth, and still not sure if she could learn it could be different.

Sometimes she'd felt lust, over the years, a small flame of desire daring to ignite her fantasies, and she still had a little helper with batteries in her nightstand. It wasn't romantic, but practical because at the beginning Carol really hadn't known how to touch herself. She'd needed several attempts, and a lot of time and patience to make her body react, but she knew at one point it wasn't enough. She wanted to feel hands … foreign hands, hands that wouldn't hurt her.

Michonne took her smartphone and searched for the contact information. "Oh, here it is! His name is Glenn Rhee, I´m gonna send you his number!"

When Carol opened the door, stepped into her apartment, and let the door fall closed behind her with a familiar click, she was more confused about the whole issue than she'd been two hours ago at the café.

She wasn't like that; she wasn't the woman who would pay a man to sleep with her, or to touch her or for wherever it would lead to. She felt restless about this idea. She couldn´t go for it, but she couldn't say no either. It was ridiculous and selfish, but it intrigued her.

She couldn't remember the last time she had done anything just for herself. Not since she'd had to build a new life after that terrible day seven years ago. Yes, she'd done something for herself, she'd had to. But this wasn't the same, it was about moving forward … surviving … a way to keep going. Now Carol had a new life, but was she really living?

Maybe Michonne was right, and she should give the whole thing a try. One thing she had learned in her new life was that she could say "stop!" anytime. She could call this Glenn guy and say 'stop' after this. She could meet him at his office, make a choice and say stop if she felt she couldn't go through with it. She could still say 'stop' with every inch the man she would have picked would come closer. It was her decision.

Carol had to grin. Until now, she'd wasted no thought in the fact that she would need money for it. The need to pay someone was a hindrance, but the money for it didn't grow on trees. How much was a callboy? When the word callboy came into her mind she winced. Carol and a callboy sounded like an abstruse combination, but in the end there was no one who would justify her because no one had to know about it.

She still had money from Ed. Sure, she'd needed some of it for the new start, but there was still something left. Besides, she'd earned her own money as a social worker and she was a frugal person. At this thought, she remembered again, how little she did for herself, and how she never splurged on extravagances. She only bought things she really needed, but no luxury items. Ed had taught her to abandon everything other than what was absolutely necessary. He did that well, but only with her and Sophia. His own comfort was important, and she was the one who bought him all the expensive stuff, because he was far too lazy to do it on his own.

The idea of spending Ed´s money for a callboy for her own pleasure or even just for fun was pure satisfaction, and maybe a little bit of revenge, too. Even if the whole thing would go awry, it would burn Ed´s money and only this would make it already worth it.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of her smartphone, because Michonne had finally sent the contact. Oh lord, a friend like her was a great gift, and she seemed to take this very seriously.

Carol had met Michonne seven years ago, when she'd made contact with her husband Rick, the police officer who was responsible for her case. It had been the darkest day of her life, but she'd found some light in Rick and Michonne. Both did their best to help Carol, and she would be infinitely grateful forever. Maybe she owed it to Michonne to take her advice, and besides, this woman always knew what was right.

When Carol placed the pizza on the table by the sofa in her living room, and turned the TV on, she knew she needed a little bit of excitement in her life. She would go for it and call Glenn tomorrow, it was settled.

She spent the evening with a trashy romantic film, and she didn´t know why she'd picked something like that because it wasn't something she wanted or needed. It was just something to pass the time, something for background noise where she could lose herself in her thoughts. She wasn't in love with Tobin; Carol knew this for sure. But he was some kind of Anti-Ed, the opposite of the man who'd hurt her so much. He was friendly, attentive, understanding and patient, but she hadn't felt anything for him, and maybe she wasn't able to feel anything for anyone. Tobin couldn't be more than a good friend, but he wanted to be more for her and that confused her, too. He was such a decent man with a lot of patience, and he did all these nice things for her as he waited for the next step which would never come. Why? She was a broken person with scars on her soul and scars on her body. He'd never seen them, but what he could see wasn't much better. She was forty-six, grey-haired and her face bore a few wrinkles. Her body was more like a board than in a feminine shape, and suddenly she thought about the fact, that a paid man would have to deal with it, even if it was his job. Poor guy, she mused, but first she would have to see what the next day would bring, and the talk with Glenn,.. If she could find the courage to call him.