Chapter 1: Click, click… snap.
I smiled sweetly as camera flashes glared at me from every direction. Thankfully, I had grown used to having my eyes pierced by fierce beams of light. Oh and the screaming of my name; that was a bit more difficult to familiarize myself with. Strangers, all wanting your attention, all at the same moment. Shoving their microphones in your face and interrogating you with humdrum questions that you have already answered at least a hundred times before.
The glamorous life of a celebrity.
Or so it was supposed to be. I had never expected it to be the least bit easy, but I never thought it could be this intense. Privacy was sporadic, almost completely nonexistent. And the little of which you got would likely be eaten away by your questioning of your own sanity. There were often times when I had found myself, curled up in a ball on my sofa, wondering why on Earth I would put myself through this voluntarily. Of course, I always knew the answer.
Music.
It was practically the answer to every question I had asked myself in my moments of doubt. Any time that I had felt lost or unsure about my decisions, all I had to do was listen to a couple of inspirational songs and I suddenly had my whole life in perspective once more. It was safe to say that fame scared me at times. My indecisiveness and doubt also bothered me. I just seemed to be waiting for the day when I finally couldn't handle it anymore. The day when I had to throw in the towel and walk away from my dream. But until then, I had to try and get something positive out of the stressful situation that I had forced myself into.
"Pippa, move along." Alice, my manager, whispered encouragingly from behind me. I did as she said and walked a few steps further along the cherry red carpet, carefully avoiding other artists and bands. The 2009 MTV EMA Awards had brought me across the world to Berlin, Germany. More specifically, my nomination for Best New Act had brought me here. Yes, Best New Act. You might be under the impression that I have been famous for a while. Well, if you are I'm sorry to disappoint you. I was only new to the fame scene and I was already questioning my conviction. Silly, isn't it? You'd think that I would just suck it up and be thankful for my opportunities, wouldn't you? Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for my fame… in some ways. In others it feels more like a curse, thrust upon me for all of my previous wrong doings.
"Pippa!"
"Miss Fielding, over here!"
They constantly called my name, willing me to grace their camera with a million dollar smile. I hardly ever did though. I mostly kept my eyes poised above the camera lens. Unless it was an interview, then I had to make eye contact with the horrid piece of plastic and pretend that it was in fact a human being I was talking to. Camera's made me feel intimidated, exposed. Many people have said that I won't last in the industry, I'm simply too fragile and naive. I'm not though, I'm just a shy, reserved person. Forgive me if I don't feel particularly comfortable with complete strangers knowing everything about me. Other people, nicer people, say that I just need time to adjust to the sudden influx of interest in my life and self in general.
Truth is, I may never adjust completely. I might forever be terrified by the idea of being famous.
"Talk to them." Alice guided me towards a camera crew. I silently sighed, I really didn't feel patient enough for this tonight.
"I am here now with Pippa Fielding who is nominated for Best New Act this evening." The young brunette woman turned around, positioning the microphone in front of me and the camera focused in on my face. I put on a smile, trying to seem as genuine as possible. "How does it feel to be nominated?"
Like I haven't heard that one before.
"It's an absolute privilege to be recognized on an international level, I didn't even know that my music was particularly well known over here." I laughed awkwardly as the woman just continued to stare at me. "The other artists in the category are fantastic musicians and I'm just honored to be acknowledged."
"Well we wish you the best of luck and we hope that you go home with an award tonight." I gave the camera and interviewer a smile before moving away, making way for a bigger, more experienced star to grace the screen. Another thing that intimidated me; experienced artists. They always made me feel like a little kid in an adult conversation; way out of my depth. I suppose I was out of my depth though. If it wasn't for Alice, I wouldn't have lasted two minutes.
"We are here at the 2009 MTV…" The interviewer in front of me rolled off another spiel of fake enthusiasm and I felt like telling her that I wasn't really enjoying myself either. But of course, I would never say something like that out loud. It would probably be considered career suicide. "…nervous about tonight at all?" She finished and I gave another fake smile.
"I am a little nervous but I just feel really excited to watch some of my favorite artists perform."
"And what about your nomination? Do you have a speech prepared?" An awkward chuckled escaped my lips and the woman smiled down at me motherly.
"Oh well, I don't actually. But I don't think I'll really have to worry about winning; I'm sure one of the other talented singers will have that job."
"Good luck with your nomination and I hope you have a good night." I smiled, grateful that she actually seemed sincere in her words.
I did interviews with a few more people which nearly took half an hour. Once Alice and I got inside, I was ready to just go home and sleep. Pretending to be interested in something mediocre really drags your energy levels down.
"Are you ok, Pip?" Alice asked as she ran her hand down my arm in a caring fashion. I nodded my head and smiled faintly.
"I'm just a little tired." Well, that was a rather ginormous lie. I was absolutely exhausted! Jet lag wasn't helping my case either.
"I know. But you need to look like you actually like being here, even if you don't." I nodded in understanding as we sat down in our seats. I fell into an automatic mode of smiling and clapping as the show started. Honestly, I tried to enjoy it as much as I could but it just couldn't hold my attention. I chalked my lack of concentration up to my exhaustion. I really didn't handle flying all too well, and when it was over 10 hours of being in the sky I was bound to be tired.
"…The nominees for Best New Act are…" I actually tuned myself in and prepared for the camera in front of me to zoom in. "… and Pippa Fielding. And the award goes to," Pause for dramatic effect. I desperately commanded myself not to roll my eyes.
"Pippa Fielding!"
My heart literally leapt into my throat and my face flushed. My hands flew to my mouth in shock and bewilderment as Alice shot upwards, out of her seat. I just sat there, staring wide eyed at the stage before me whilst the people around me clapped and one of my songs started to play.
"Pip come on! Get up there!" Alice pulled me up onto my shaky legs. Why do I have to win? I don't have anything to say! I'm not prepared for this. I attempted to take a step towards the stage and nearly broke my ankle. I knew I shouldn't have worn such high heels! I scolded myself as a man held onto my hand and guided me towards the stairs. A small whine escaped my mouth as I eyed the steps cautiously. If I was going to break an ankle today, it was definitely going to be on those steps. The worst part was, there was only two of them.
Carefully and slowly, I climbed the stairs. No doubt I probably looked really silly and I was probably taking way too long but I really didn't want to break anything and I knew it would happen if I rushed.
It was safe to say that I hadn't got the hang of high heeled shoes just yet.
Bill's POV
"I really can't wait to get out of here." Tom grumbled from beside me. I just sighed and ignored him, keeping my attention focused on the stage.
"And the award goes to… Pippa Fielding!"
I clapped my hands and glanced around, trying to find the winner. A dark haired woman shot up out of her seat and I smiled at her enthusiasm. I swear her hair wasn't that dark though. I had seen Pippa once before in a magazine and she certainly didn't have black hair. The overjoyed woman latched onto a girls arm and hauled her out of her seat. I couldn't see that much of her considering the fact that she was on the other side of the room but I could tell it was Pippa by her dark blonde hair. She seemed to be in a state of shock as one of the helpers led her towards the stairs. From here you could tell that she was nervous and shaky, heck it took her all day to climb two steps!
"Oh gosh," She breathed out shakily as she accepted the award and moved to stand in front of the podium. "I am really, really shocked and surprised right now." She was so cute and quiet; she looked like a deer caught in the headlights.
"She's a nice looking one, ah?" Tom elbowed me hard in the ribs and nodded his head toward Pippa with a smirk.
"Don't even think about it Tom, she's far too sweet." I knew exactly what my brother was talking about and I wasn't going to condone him corrupting an innocent girl like her.
"…and I want to thank the people who support me, my fans. They are amazing people who have helped me achieve my dreams and goals in life. I only hope that all of those people out there with dreams of their own can one day fulfill them. Thank you." So not only was she ridiculously cute in her looks but she was also adorable when she spoke. Thank goodness they had a microphone up there, you wouldn't have been able to hear her timid voice even if you were standing right next to her.
"How come you're allowed to make googly eyes at her but I'm not?" Tom whined and I gave him a displeased look.
"I was not making googly eyes at her. And you aren't allowed near her, she's much too good for you."
"Oh that's a nice thing to say to your brother." I ignored him and turned back to watch her leave the stage. Was I really making googly eyes at her? I shook my head. It was probably just Tom trying to get a reaction out of me.
Pippa's POV
"I'm so proud of my girl!" Alice cooed as I sat back down next to her. I placed the MTV statue in her lap, it was pretty heavy.
"I was so surprised!" I gushed and held my hands up to my cheeks red cheeks. I had blushed the whole time I was on stage and I had only just managed to stumble through a speech of sorts. And thankfully, I hadn't broken an ankle.
"You deserve it, Pippa. You've worked hard." I gave Alice a thanking smile as she stared down at the statue. "It sure is going to look good in your apartment!" I chuckled and nodded.
"I think I'm going to put it on my dining table. That way I'll have to look at it every day." Alice shook her head at me, a smile still spread across her face though.
"You really stump me sometimes." I didn't say anything in reply because the crowd of fans had started screaming loudly. My head turned towards the source of commotion. A band had moved onto the stage to perform. The presenter yelled "Tokio Hotel!" into the microphone and I wondered for a second. Have I heard their music? I know that they won the award for Best Group but I was still backstage when they had gotten up to accept it, so I hadn't seen them.
It's raining today
The blinds are shut
It's always the same
My breath caught in my throat and shivers crept up my spine. The lead singer's voice absolutely amazed me; it was so passionate and soulful but gentle at the same time. I honestly thought for a second that it was playback and that he was just miming. But you could tell, it really was his voice.
They're telling me it's beautiful
I believe them
But will I ever know
The world behind my wall
A wave of emotion swept over me and I felt pressure building behind my eyes; I was going to cry. I couldn't believe that this song and this man's voice had such an indescribable connection to me. It felt as though the words were spilling from my own mind, as though he was speaking my true feelings. The lead singer was making his way closer to the front of the stage and I couldn't tear my eyes away.
I'm ready to fall
I'm ready to crawl
On my knees to know it all
I'm ready to heal
I'm ready to feel
I could feel my eyes dampening and my vision start to blur. I blinked furiously, wishing that the tears would stop distorting his image. As far as I could see, he was extremely good looking. I would give anything to be closer to that stage.
"Alice, what's his name?" I asked quietly. I felt her stare at me for a second, she was probably wondering why I was on the verge of tears.
"Bill Kaulitz." She whispered back.
My watery eyes followed his figure as he moved toward a guitarist and started singing to him. I don't think I had even noticed anyone else on the stage before that; Bill had held my attention so well.
I'm ready to heal
I'm ready to feel
Take me there!
Take me there!
Take me there!
Whoa, whoa
They're telling me
It's beautiful
I believe them
But will I ever know
The world behind my wall
The whole room erupted in cheering while I sat there; frozen in my seat. How in the world could a four minute song, written by a complete stranger, make me cry?
"Pippa, are you ok?" Alice leaned in front of me, concern etched on her features. I took a deep breath, trying to bring myself back out of the trance I had been put in.
"Yes, I think so." Nodding my head slightly, I wiped at my eyes with care. The last thing I needed was people knowing that I had cried because of a song.
"What was all of that about?"
"Honestly, I'm not completely sure."
Bill's POV
"Ah, finally!" Tom remarked, rubbing his hands together like the villains in movies do. We had arrived at the aftershow party. I ignored my twin brother once again, he was being so negative tonight and he only wanted to party. And we all know what happened when Tom partied; he ended up taking a girl back to his hotel room. I picked up a glass of champagne and downed it all in one. I wasn't in the best mood tonight, even though we had won an award.
I turned to shoot a sly comment back at Tom, but he had completely disappeared, leaving me with Georg and Gustav.
"Oh jeez, he's on the prowl." Gustav shook his head as he picked up a glass of champagne. I glanced around the room and found him approaching a girl, it was fair to say she looked like a hooker.
"And he's found one." Georg commented, sipping on his drink and watching my twin. "What do you think, bad childhood?" He glanced at a perplexed Gustav.
"Mmm, daddy issues. Definitely daddy issues." Rolling my eyes, I moved away from them. The last thing I wanted to hear was running commentary on my brother's 'love' life. He wouldn't know what love was if it tripped him over and slapped him in the face. I let out a heavy sigh as I let myself fall onto a beige sofa.
"Oh!" A surprised squeak came from whoever I had ungracefully landed next to. I quickly sat up properly and looked to my side, ready to apologize, when I found myself face to face with a huge pair of dark green eyes. Wait, green or brown? Or blue? While I questioned the color of the mysterious eyes, the owner's cheeks blushed a deep red. I could definitely identify that color! I forced my eyes to take in the rest of the person's face and instantly recognized her.
"I am so sorry." I tried my best to sound sincere but her eyes were distracting me. The color seemed like a mixture of blue, green and brown; how was that even possible? "Are you alright? I didn't hurt you, did I?"
"No, I'm fine." Her voice was pure innocence. It was like that of those stereotypical blonde cheerleaders in really bad movies; but then again it wasn't. It wasn't fake, it wasn't an act; it was just the way she was. "You're Bill Kaulitz, aren't you?" The way she said my name was adorable, she even pronounced my last name right. I nodded my head, an abashed smile pulling at my mouth.
"Yes I am." My brain didn't seem to be functioning properly, I blamed it on her ambiguous eyes. Slowly but surely, a shy smile appeared on her face as she tentatively held her hand out for me to shake.
"I'm Pippa Fielding."