The Blandskanky Letters

by The Geeky Quill

Based on Lewis's "The Screwtape Letters." Satirical story written as a series of letters from a chief devil to a lower devil about tempting a human to sin. The original was an uncle to a nephew. Mine is an aunt to a niece.

1. Chapter 1

The Blandskanky Letters

A satirical story inspired by C.S. Lewis's The Screwtape Letters

by

The Geeky Quill

Letter 1

My dear Smelltrumpy,

You mentioned in your last letter that your patient got intoxicated at a party and you think that's a great stroke of genius, but you are rejoicing in a small thing. Did you take that opportunity to tempt her to fornicate or engage in lewd behavior of any sort? Even malicious gossip would be better than nothing! You know very well that nothing loosens these creatures' tongues better than alcohol.

As a tempter, you should have remembered what you were taught in basic training, that these creatures are most vulnerable to sin when intoxicated by alcohol and drugs. That is why Our Enemy implores them to remain sober and Our Father Below encourages drinking to excess. In itself, drunkenness does nothing for our cause. The desire for intoxication is merely our way of exaggerating the appetite for an innocent pleasure. If your patient getting drunk is the best you can devise now that she's out of her parents' house, perhaps you need to go back to basic training.

Next time, my dear Smelltrumpy, turn her mind to her baser urges for carnal pleasure and whatever you do, don't allow her to dwell on guilt and remorse. But, if her feelings stray to that area, make her immediately resent her parents for their attempts to indoctrinate her into their narrow non-tolerant beliefs.

Your affectionate aunt,

Blandskanky