I feel pretty but unpretty.
The phrase rang out repeatedly in Rachel's sensitive ears as she marched out of the choir room. She could faintly hear somebody calling her back, but she chose to tune out the sound and rush to her tattered locker before anyone could dart out to refrain her from doing so. After singing that torturous duet with Quinn, Rachel felt absolutely hideous and out of place in her own body. Quinn was able to sing that song with the confidence of a queen, while Rachel had just felt more awful and vulnerable than ever afterward. It didn't help that Finn had immediately rushed to Quinn's side and kissed her on the cheek either. In fact, that escalated things to an extreme degree.
Her eyes were beginning to sting as overwhelming waves of regret and remorse washed over her. If she had been born cunning and pretty like Quinn, nothing in her life would be unpleasant. She would have been able to get and be anything she wanted without a single ounce of doubt in herself. She would have held onto Finn despite any mistakes made, and he would have been proud to walk down the hallway and tell the world that she was his. Instead, she was just a Lima loser with an abnormally gargantuan nose and no boyfriend.
Rachel's tiny hands trembled as she fought to pry her jammed locker open. She almost lost her footing on the slick tile when it finally opened and a heavy stack of textbooks fell into her open arms. As she struggled to force them back in, she caught sight of her own reflection in the hand-held mirror that was precariously taped to the door of the locker. She fought the urge to cringe with disgust as she took her own appearance in.
Her hair was askew in many places, and the curls had flattened completely. Her astoundingly bland eyes were a bit puffy, and tears were beginning to sneak out of the corners and roll clumsily down her flushed cheeks. Worst of all, however, was her huge, bruised nose that looked so large it probably wouldn't make it past airport security. It looked like somebody had taken a hammer to her face and the proceeded to place a small, barely-effective bandage over the injury. She looked pitiful and maybe even a bit scared. She didn't look like the Rachel Berry who was willing to fight past any obstacle to reach her ultimate goal of stardom; she looked like the Rachel Berry who was ready to curl up in a small ball and sob until death came to save her.
Maybe that was what she wanted to do. Nobody would miss her. Santana and Quinn would gather all of the other Glee girls and throw a huge party in celebration of Rachel's absence. The boys would be completely indifferent as long as someone brought them food of some kind, preferably Doritos for Sam. Even Finn would feel relief. He wouldn't have to deal with crazy little Rachel Berry trying to make him fall in love with her again. He would be free to stay with Quinn and live the fairly mediocre life in Lima that she had planned for the two of them.
Sucking in a deep breath in an attempt to numb her emotions for a few brief moments, Rachel retrieved her bag and slammed her locker shut in one swift motion, barely even flinching when the undeniable clatter of the mirror shattering within the locker sounded out loudly. Rachel nearly reached out to open the locker once more to clean up the mess, but, with any luck, she would never have to touch the locker again. Somebody else could fix it later.
Tears streaming relentlessly down her cheeks, Rachel stormed out of the school building into the parking lot. As if the atmosphere was catering to her emotions, a heavy downpour pounded down upon Rachel's head and shoulders, washing away her tears as it came. Taking a brief pause on the sidewalk, Rachel pondered the idea that the rain soaking her clothing and hair at that moment may end up being the last rain she would ever feel. Realizing this, she made sure to walk as slowly as possible to her car, relishing in the feeling of freedom that always seemed to accompany a rainstorm.
On the short drive home, Rachel felt lost. She felt hideous. She didn't seem to belong anywhere, especially not in Lima. She briefly considered skipping town, but she knew that she didn't have the means to get anywhere. Her knowledge of Ohio did not extend past the borders of Lima. She was sure of one thing, however. She was sure that she would never be able to face Quinn, Finn, or anybody else ever again. They would ask questions about her early leave from Glee club. They would try to talk her out of getting a stupid nose job, even though, in all honesty, a nose job wasn't what she wanted. Her nose wasn't what needed fixing. Rachel wanted to fix everything, and the only way that she could think to do so was to do something drastic and end her existence forever. Without good looks or a good reputation, she would never amount to anything. She would be stuck living alone on the streets of Lima with nothing but the clothes on her back and a wallet full of old theatre tickets.
She would rather die.
As she sat in her stubby driveway with the engine rumbling beneath her, Rachel wondered how she could do it—how she could end her own life. She could steal her dads' prescription medications and down all of the bottles in one swallow, but that would be painful and slow. She could find something sharp and tear herself open, but that would be too messy.
Sighing with defeat, she wrenched her car door open and stepped outside into the heavy sheet of rain once more. As shivers began to ripple through her body, she gazed at her house. It was tall in several places; tall enough to jump off of. She even knew a way to the topmost point in the building. A fall from that height would leave no survivors—this she was completely sure of.
It was perfect. She could give herself to the rain.
Suddenly feeling very anxious and driven, Rachel darted inside and up to the tiny hatch that opened to the roof. She didn't care that her muddy shoes were leaving tracks in the house. A little mess on the carpet won't seem so bad when a girl is dead. She didn't even think to leave a note or any other sort of warning regarding what she was about to do. It was all very spontaneous, and she knew that too much thinking would tangle her in a painful and impossible web of uncertainty. She just needed to go with her gut instinct and do it. All she had to do was jump.
Upon reaching the roof, Rachel felt a light breeze brush past her, relaxing her a bit. Biting her lip, she slowly moved to the right edge of the roof where it extended the highest, leaving her no chance of surviving the fall. Raising her arms on either side of her body for the sake of balance, she leaned over the edge and stole a glance at the ground beneath her. She couldn't help but imagine herself down there, sprawled out with no sign of a pulse or breathing. She thought of her dads rushing to her cold, dead side and frantically trying to revive her even though it would clearly be too late. She visualized her dark funeral, where Finn would throw himself into her grave and never let her coffin go. For some reason, she felt an eerie sense of pleasure in that thought. She liked to think that she could make him feel such regret for choosing Quinn over her a second time. She liked that feeling of finally getting her revenge, even if she wasn't going to live to see the result.
Caught up in the feeling of the wind grazing her outstretched body and the rain gingerly rolling off her face, Rachel began to do what she did best—sing.
Finn completely ignored the dull speed limit signs that he passed as he practically flew his truck down the familiar road to Rachel's house. He could feel his phone vibrating urgently in his back pocket as Quinn continuously tried to call him, most likely with the intention of berating him for leaving her at the school with Santana while he went on some wild good chase to make sure 'man hands' was okay. He felt a bit guilty for ditching his girlfriend, but he knew something was off. He had passed by Rachel's locker after dismissal to see if she was still there but had found it hanging open and covered in shards of glass with Rachel nowhere in sight. His first thought was that somebody had hurt her, which had immediately set his brain hurtling into overdrive.
He had to find her.
Leaving Quinn standing dumbfounded in the hallway with orders to get a lift from Santana, Finn had sprinted into the parking lot towards Rachel's usual parking spot, which was depressingly empty with the exception of some litter and a stray cat. A part of Finn knew that Rachel had probably just broken the glass by accident and then driven home without cleaning it up, but something deep within his heart told him that something was seriously wrong with Rachel. When she had stormed out of Glee after that duet with Quinn, Rachel had appeared to be on the verge of tears. It had taken every ounce of self-restraint that Finn possessed to look as uninterested as possible and keep from dashing out after Rachel to make sure that she was okay.
Now, he feared that he had waited too late to chase after her. Maybe she had hurt herself on the broken glass. Maybe some jock had beaten her to a pulp before taking her car. Either way, Finn would never forgive himself if he didn't do anything to try and help her. She was Rachel, after all. She was his Rachel. He would never let anything or anybody get to her without getting through him first.
Finn sighed with mild relief when he pulled into Rachel's driveway to find her car parked neatly in its usual spot. This meant that nobody had taken her, which was definitely a good sign. Something was still wrong though. Finn's mind was flooded with distress, and he knew that the feeling wouldn't go away until he had Rachel safe in his arms, all in one healthy piece.
Inhaling deeply, Finn set off at a run into Rachel's house without even bothering to knock. He was welcome inside, and he knew that. He just needed to get to her as quickly as possible. Naturally, he peered inside her bedroom first. It looked absolutely untouched. The bed was made flawlessly, and the floors were devoid of any litter that would signify the presence of a person. She wasn't there. Overwhelmed with a growing sense of desperation, Finn darted in and out of every single room of Rachel's three-story home, including the closets, only to find that the place was completely vacant.
He was about to give up the search and call the police for assistance when he heard the unmistakable sound of Rachel's soprano voice. It seemed to be coming from above his head, which was odd considering the absence of an attic. Sure enough, however, when Finn peered down the hallway to his left, he noticed a skylight of sorts that was hanging open by its hinges. The fluffy carpet beneath the opening was becoming drenched with rain.
"Rachel?" Finn called curiously, moving underneath the hatch.
Instead of responding to Finn's call, Rachel continued to sing softly, her voice ringing out like a bell amidst the pounding of the rain. Concerned, Finn hoisted himself up through the hatch and onto Rachel's unnervingly lofty roof. It was then that he spotted her, standing dangerously close to the edge of the roof with her arms outstretched like some sort of bird.
"I find it kind of funny. I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. I find it hard to tell you. I find it hard to take. When people run in circles it's a very, very mad world." She sang gently, her pitch eerily perfect as always.
Finn almost forgot his worries as he got lost in the sound of her voice. She just looked so at peace; so carefree. He would have been able to watch her forever with no complaints if she hadn't suddenly moved one foot forward so that it was actually dangling off of the edge of the building.
Snapping back into reality, Finn realized what Rachel was trying to do.
She was going to jump.
She was going to kill herself.
"Rachel, don't you dare!" He screamed, hurtling himself towards her just as she flung herself over the edge.
Finn managed to catch up to her mid-air, the two of them quickly finding themselves hurtling towards the ground head first. Wrapping his strong arms around Rachel's body protectively, Finn twisted so that his shoulder would hit the ground first. That's how he had always been taught to fall in football, and that was his only way of possibly saving both himself and Rachel. The fall was short, but Finn barely noticed. All of his thoughts and worries were focused on the weak, tiny girl clutching nervously to his collar all the way down.
By some miracle, Finn found himself still conscious when he hit the ground with a cracking sound. He and Rachel had fallen into a rather tall pile of autumn leaves, which had padded the landing slightly. Finn felt a sharp sting in his left shoulder and head, but he forced himself to forget about it until he could make sure he had saved Rachel.
"Rachel, can you hear me?" He whispered hoarsely as his vision began to blur.
Rachel, who was curled up into Finn's chest and trembling wildly only responded with a soft whimper. Finn squinted to try and make out her appearance and maybe check for any injuries, but he couldn't see much other than oblong blurs that faintly resembled Rachel.
"Are you okay, Rach?" He asked, pushing away from her slightly to see if he could make out any of her features more clearly from a small distance.
Rachel couldn't do anything more than pant heavily. She was wheezing slightly as well. She had hit the ground hard despite the pile of leaves, and now she couldn't feel anything. She couldn't move. She couldn't speak. She was barely aware of Finn by her side. Her whole mind seemed to be slowly fading to black, and she couldn't manage to force her eyes open. Every sense of being was gradually leaving her body. She wondered if that was what it felt like to finally die.
"Rachel, please answer me. Please." Finn pleaded, his voice cracking with distress.
At some point within the next few seconds, Finn's vision began to tunnel. His peripheries were steadily fading to grey, and the vague outline of Rachel's body was dissolving before him. Her shallow breaths were growing softer, and it was as if somebody was hovering over the pair, sucking the life from both of them simultaneously.
They were dying together.
"Rach, please try to talk. I have to talk to you one last time." Finn choked as a rod of pain pierced his head and he felt something warm trickle down his neck that felt like blood.
"F-Finn," She responded feebly, feeling her heart rate slow in her chest.
"Why did you try to do this?" He slurred desperately, seeking answers.
"I just...I..." Rachel tried to force her vocal chords to function long enough to allow her to answer Finn, but nothing was cooperating with her, and she could feel herself slipping away.
"Never mind. It doesn't matter. It's just... Rachel, I love you. If this is the last time I ever get to talk to you, I just want to remind you that I love you. I don't care about Quinn or Santana or even Brittany. It's just you, Rach. It's always just been you. I just really love you." He gasped quickly, finding himself running out of breath and unable to inhale much more.
"I...love you too." Rachel breathed almost inaudibly before mustering up every ounce of energy she could possibly manage to bring her small, shaking hand to Finn's large one.
Finn weakly folded his fingers around Rachel's as he felt the remainder of his energy leave his fingertips. His head felt as if somebody had driven a jackhammer into his skull, and he knew that he didn't have much longer. Judging by her slowed breathing rate, Rachel was going as well—and fast. Despite the tragedy of it all, however, Finn found comfort in the fact that he was going to die alongside Rachel.
He had always imagined living his last few seconds of life by Rachel Berry's side, with her palm clutched tightly in his. As he listened to the pattering of the rain and the faint, fading beats of both he and Rachel's hearts, Finn imagined what their futures would have held. He could vividly picture two tiny children running around, giggling—one girl and an older boy. He imagined Rachel singing on a giant Broadway stage with no inhibitions or fears. He imagined himself in the audience, lifting their children up one by one so that they could see their mother on the stage as she worked her magic. He imagined being by Rachel's side whenever she fell ill. He could picture the two of them growing older, wiser, and wrinklier together throughout the years, connected by an unbreakable invisible tether at all times.
Those were the things that Finn saw in his mind whenever he kissed Rachel. Those beat lousy old fireworks any day, and he wanted nothing more than to tell Rachel that. He wanted to somehow give the last ounce of life he possessed to her so that she could understand him when he explained everything.
But he was almost gone, and so was she. Their breaths had become so staggered and painful that they both almost longed for the end to come.
"I love you." They both attempted to choke out as they felt themselves falling into the realm of the unconscious.
Those words hung on Rachel and Finn's tongues as they both faded into the darkness.
They didn't even hear the piercing shriek of the ambulance sirens as the flashing vehicles pulled into Rachel's driveway. By that time, it was far too late.
Rachel and Finn were gone.