Pizza Fiasco
(Humor/ General)
By: Bakura's Reflection and her younger brother (Rated T for Language and violence)
Summary: When Bakura has a craving for a certain saucy dish, poor Ryou has to go on a trip to save his own skin! But Bakura can be demanding (as we all know) and he won't settle for anything less than a pizza fit for a tomb robber of his status! WARNING: OOC Bakura in this fanfic
(One Shot)
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In the city of Domino, two young men were sleeping peacefully…until the elder man awoke with a powerful craving in the middle of the night. He arose from his sofa bed and went to the room of his reincarnation and decided to have him solve the dilemma.
Bakura took out his new tazer and quietly zapped Ryou's unconscious form; jolting the younger albino out of bed and onto the unforgiving wooden floor. He squinted up at his yami and muttered sternly to him:
"What in the bloody hell was that for Bakura?"
"I can't sleep and I desire some pizza." He replied coldly.
Ryou rolled his eyes and replied, "Why don't you just call the delivery guy whose job it is to satisfy your hunger? Don't you tell me you don't own the knowledge to operate a telephone, Yami."
Bakura kicked Ryou's stomach and the teen curled up in pain. Ryou was used to the pain his dark inflicted upon him daily, but Bakura had yet to have hunger pains in the middle of the night for take out. If it was during the afternoon, Bakura would call up Marik and ransack the restaurant of choice. Today, however, it was 5am Saturday and the one day Ryou wished he could sleep in late. Unfortunately, Bakura had his ways of getting what he wanted.
"How about you make a call and let me get back to sleep?" Ryou yawned as he got back into his bed. Bakura's evil vein in his forehead pulsed rapidly and he took out his prized weapon, the knife wrench. He pulled Ryou's hair until his light was standing beside him.
"Let me tell you how this works, Hikari. I'm gonna take away your manhood if you refuse to go out and get me my pizza! Understand?" Bakura growled as he held the weapon's blade against Ryou's pajama bottoms.
Ryou's eyes shot wide open as he realized what rule he had forgotten: Never refuse a stern request given by a 3,000 year old tomb robber. Bakura would never make a threat he wouldn't carry out. He took one small step back from his dark and apologized.
"Forgive me, Bakura. I'll run up to the shop and pick up that pizza for you right away."
Bakura held the weapon at his light's throat and growled one last threat." If you fail to bring me my pizza, you'll have to explain to the guys why your voice is higher than usual!"
Ryou changed quickly and took the long cold walk down to the local Dominos, which was just starting to open. Ryou rushed inside and told the cashier he wanted to order a large pepperoni. After fifteen minutes of waiting, Ryou ran full speed down the street until he was home.
"Bakura, take your stupid pizza and go back to sleep." Ryou dropped the pizza on Bakura's lap and started to go upstairs until he was hit with the fresh pizza not even 10 seconds later.
"Hikari, you got fucking pepperoni!"
"So? You like pepperoni!"
"I want the meat lovers! The pizza of men!"
"Just call the delivery guy!" Ryou shouted.
Bakura looked Ryou straight in the eyes and replied with the most threateningly toned voice he could muster. "Let me explain something to you, since I'm the only genius around here-"
"What about the authoress? Bakura's Reflection?"
"Besides her! Here's how it works, someone local calls the pizza place…then the local pizza guy delivers the pizza. You are local…I'm local…-Tea's local- Die bitch! -and the Pharaoh is local!"
"So?" Ryou said apathetically.
"I'm not going to have the same guy deliver my pizza as the guy who delivers pizza to the Ra damned pharaoh!" Bakura shouted angrily.
"Yami, that's like five contacts." Ryou replied.
"Congratulations Hikari, you can count." Bakura said sarcastically.
"Unlike you!" Ryou yelled.
"Shut it or else I'll!-"
"Alright, alright I'm going!"
With a heavy sigh Ryou took the same long walk back to Dominos and ordered a large meat lovers pizza with extra meat to hopefully satisfy Bakura's hunger attack. Ryou grabbed the pizza and returned to his apartment and laid the pizza on the table. Bakura walked over and poked the pizza with an irritated and angry expression.
"Why did you bring me this crappy excuse for meat?" Bakura growled.
"What do you mean?" Ryou replied. "That is one of Dominos specialties! What's wrong with it?"
Bakura stared at his light in disbelief. How could his own reincarnated British teen not see the obvious problem at hand? "The meat doesn't moo, squeal or anything when I flick it!"
Ryou sighed and remembered that Bakura had a requirement when it came to his daily meals: If the meat in the food didn't moo when he ripped through it, it was overdone. Ryou sighed and went out the door again to get another pizza.
Twenty long minutes passed and Ryou returned with a pizza box absolutely overflowing with blood. Bakura's eyes widened with anxiousness to sink his teeth into the bloody concoction. Seeing 'the look', Ryou dropped the pizza and dived behind the couch. Bakura opened the box and took a large bite of the pizza. Upon swallowing the first mouthful he realized something…Ryou had gotten this pizza from the same place that Yugi had eaten in yesterday! Eating a pizza from the same place as the pharaoh, or one of his people, was not something a tomb robber should ever do. Bakura regurgitated the mouthful of pizza and wiped his tongue off frantically.
"You fool!" Bakura shouted. "You have soiled my evil body with the same food made by the guy who catered to that midget pharaoh yesterday! I never want to eat Dominos again!"
"Great!" Ryou Exclaimed. "I'm off the hook!"
"Don't you walk away from me, hikari! I said I never want to eat Dominos again! That simply means I that I desire another type of pizza from a place where the Pharaoh doesn't munch pizza! Go and fetch me pizza from the new place in the plaza called Foxes!"
"But that's on the other side of town!" Ryou sighed.
"Not my problem! You still have the car that Dice Boy asked you to watch this weekend while he's off in America, don't you?"
"Yes, but you said that you were suspicious about Malik and Marik taking the car so you took out the brakes and buried them somewhere!"
"Hey, would you rather have no brakes in a car, or not be able to have any offspring?" Bakura smirked.
Ryou didn't to think twice this time about a lose-lose situation. "I'll take my chances with Duke's brakeless car. I'll be back soon!"
It was after 9:30 am when Ryou arrived with the bloody meat covered, cheesy pizza for Bakura. The car had survived the trip with a 'minor dent' as Bakura had deduced (anyone other than him would probably deduce it as "totaled"). Ryou handed him the pizza and began to go back to bed, until his Yami's voice echoed in his ears.
"I changed my mind. I want a pizza made my way. I want a Papa John's personal pizza and I want it here soon!"
Ryou stood there looking at his yami. "Alright, I've been very reasonable up until this point. Do you honestly think I'm going to order pizza from America, just to make you happy?" Ryou shouted. Bakura got out his knife wrench and strutted up to Ryou. Bakura then held the weapon against Ryou's chest, and then pulled Ryou up to his level until they were nose to nose.
"There are two special things I like when it comes to food: Pizza with raw meat, and raw meat in general. Now, there are two ways to satisfy my hunger. A.) I slit your throat and eat you or B.) You can call Dice Boy and order a pizza on his debit card!"
"Why would we call Duke and order pizza on his credit card?"
"I raided his wallet before he left, but we need his account number to access his cash!"
"Why would he give it to us?"
"Because," Bakura smirked evilly, "I'm the one who can keep his security system under control until he gets back. Marik has tried to break in, but unlike that baka, I hold the only blueprint to the joint. If he says 'no', then I will simply destroy his precious studio and publish his diary on the web! Especially the pages with Pegasus and him…'conferencing'!"
Ryou rolled his eyes, but made a collect call to Duke's cell phone. Duke hesitated but agreed once he heard Bakura's numerous threats about the diary. Ryou made the pizza call after spending 2,000 in shipping, he received the rotting pizza at 3pm. Bakura took a bite and instantly spat it out. Ryou looked on in amazement as Bakura used the Millennium Ring to banish the pizza to the shadow realm out of anger.
"You mortals just don't have the brains to make decent pizza! The lameo chefs of this century have no idea how to create the perfect pizza! Therefore you, my hikari, will have to make it!"
"Why should I have to….lameo?...anyway. Why do I have to cook for you?" Ryou said irritatedly.
"Because I'm superior to you!" Bakura hissed.
"But-"
"Hey I'm in the middle of a rand do you mind?"
"Sorry, continue." Ryou muttered as he rolled his eyes.
"Where was I? Oh yeah! These lameo companies don't know how to make a pizza! Back in my day-don't give me that look Ryou! When I was craving a pizza, my minions knew exactly how to make it. When it was done I'd say 'this is truly hell on earth…I love it!' Oh, how I crave that kind of delicacy again! So, you're gonna make it for me and follow my recipe…any questions?"
Ryou put his hands on his hips and began to interrogate Bakura. "Yeah, number one, did you even have pizza back then?"
"Do you doubt my recollection skills, and you might wanna think before you answer!"
"Spell 'recollection'!"
"R….e…collection! HA!"
"You can't spell any better than you can remember who invited pizza!"
"Then who did you believe invented pizza?" Bakura shouted as he got to his feet.
"The Italians-"
"Curse you Italians! You've secretly tried to kill me…and then you steal my recipes! Have you any idea who you are dealing with?!"
Ryou backed away slowly and told Bakura to calm down, but that only made Bakura shout to the heavens in ancient Egyptian, which no one understood, but everyone heard…especially the Italians.
"Alright already, I'll go to the store and get your stupid ingredients. I'm going now!" Ryou sighed.
Ryou returned to the apartment shortly after 4pm with three bags of supplies. Bakura inspected everything and shook his head. "It's missing something….something rare and exotic!"
As if it were on cue, who should walk by, but Tea with a rare and exotic toucan she bought. She popped in and wanted to borrow Ryou's bird book he got for a report last week. Bakura grinned evilly and beckoned Tea to see her bird. "Hey Tea. Nice Bird, Can I see it?"
"No way! You'd probably try to rip Tuki's feathers out and roast him!"
"C'mon Tea, I just want to pat it"
Tea gave him a cold look, but opened the cage to allow Bakura to touch the bird. In a flash he had decapitated Tuki and knocked Tea out with a skillet. Ryou looked in shock as Bakura chopped up the toucan into little pieces. Bakura dragged Tea into the broom closest that had a window looking at the counter, so she could behold her bird's cruel fate. Tea awoke when she heard the door open, Bakura walking out, and the door locking; seeing Tuki's mangled body, Bakura watched Tea faint again and got back to work.
"Oh, Hikari we've assembled the pizza!"
"I'll cook it. Go wash up in the meantime."
After 10 minutes, Bakura returned to see his perfect pizza being cooked in the microwave. He shouted angrily at his light. "You foolish mortal! The pizza has touched radiation! Do you want me to die? Oh wait too late! Take out the pizza we're gonna cook this the right way! Make me a bonfire!"
"Yami, we're in a city! There are plenty of laws prohibiting bonfires, flamethrowers, and blowing up stuff…especially after you blew up Domino High last week!"
"Hehe. That was fun, and destructive!"
"Yes, for you but guess who had to bail you out again!"
"Like I said, it was fun and destructive. Funstructive!"
Ryou sighed and then asked Bakura how he would make a bonfire with no wood and no fuel. Then Bakura motioned the closet.
"We've got Tea….Remember?"
"I'm not going to inspire spontaneous human combustion!"
"Well, you enjoyed the spontaneous toucan combustion." Bakura smirked.
"That was you! You did that 10 minutes ago!"
"Oh yeah! Good times, good times."
Ryou hit his own forehead and took the pizza out of the microwave, but when he turned around he noticed Bakura had disappeared. Ryou looked outside and saw his yami with a gallon of gasoline and a box of matches. Bakura had dragged Ryou's bed onto the pavement and was about to drench it with gas.
"Stop!" Ryou screamed. "That's my bed!"
"Yeah, so?"
"If you torch it I'll have to sleep on the sofa with you and I always hog the covers!"
"No!" Bakura exclaimed. "Only Marik may sleep on my bed!" He then turned his attention to the car.
"Don't even think about it! Duke let me keep it while he's away, and I'm not going to let you throw away my friendship with Duke over a pizza!"
Bakura smirked and threw the tools at the red mustang convertible as it exploded. Ryou looked shocked as Bakura took the pizza from him and laid it next to the fire. Ryou began to wonder how Duke was going to take the news….and how he'd get to earn his trust again. Bakura waited only a few seconds before taking the lovely-cooked pizza back to the table. He then devoured the entire thing in a flash.
"Now that, my hikari, is how you make a perfect pizza." Bakura smirked and wiped the sauce off his chin with his arm. "Where are you going?"
Ryou had opened his bedroom door and turned to answer him, but decided it was better to remain silent. He closed the door softly and reached for his sleeping pills.
"Only 7 hours left today. I'd better get to sleep before Bakura has another fit"
As he was falling asleep, he heard Bakura on the phone saying: "Hey Marik get a load of this!" Then heard sounds of Tea's tortured cries and Bakura's shouts of "And this is for the friendship speeches!!"
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A/N: Hope you liked it! Don't forget to be nice while you read and reply! Hope it didn't suck too bad! Mad props to my bro, Eric, for the inspiration and my happy Lunesta pills!
(For those of you who truly care, the police never did find Tea's limbs…But if you people truly care about Tea's well being... Bakura is coming… and he's bringing us along to tape it! Muwhahahahahaha)