Make you Feel My Love
By Shaz1
Disclaimer- none of the recognised characters belong to me they are all the property of the wonderful almighty Shane Brennan and CBS!
This follows on immediately from the 100th episode, so expect some spoilers if you haven't seen it!
Make You Feel My Love
He blinked against the tears as the moving images on the projector cast a shadow across his pale features as he starred at the only pictures of his past he had ever seen. He fingered the photographs clutched in his hand gently- an unconscious moment as he was lost in a history that he wished he remembered. He stared at the man that bounced the child on his knee- his own eyes looking back at him.
He had found and lost his father all in one day, his heart whirling in emotion as yet again he seemed so far away from discovering the truth of his heritage yet the fact that he was finally able to lay sight on a man he was certain was his father eased his pain slightly- it was a step closer than he had ever come before. He had a name; his father actually had a name- and a major in the military no less. He rubbed his hands over his face as the film came to an end, allowing the darkness to consume him as he sat lost in his own thoughts. His whole body ached from the explosion he had forced himself to be party to- but he hardly noticed it as his mind processed everything that he learnt over the last couple of days.
He reached for the box that sat at his feet- stacked high with photographs of a boy that had died around about foster home number 35 and only left the shell behind that had become Special Agent G Callen. He smiled wistfully as he saw the picture of him playing high school football- that had been a good foster family, one that had supported him and encouraged him to build friendships of his own. A well-meaning family that didn't realise that it was already far too late for the young man with no first name. Moving on to the next photograph he flinched involuntarily as he recalled the house in question. He hadn't been exaggerating when he had told Kensi and Deeks earlier that he had been beaten with a broom handle- however he had failed to mention that it hadn't been the worse home he had ever had. He knew that the team were aware that his childhood wasn't a barrel of laughs- yet they knew not to pry or delve any deeper than he was willing to volunteer. He sighed to himself as he stacked the photographs back in the box- not wishing to go any further back into his memories.
He looked up again at the screen- frozen on the image of his father, his sister and him in a playground nearly forty years ago. He so wished that he could remember just one moment of time with his family- just one moment of knowing who he was and where he came from. He sniffed as his eyes filled with moisture again. The experienced agent rarely allowed his emotions to affect him, but his past was his Achilles heel- he knew it, Hetty knew it hell even Arkady Kolcheck knew it. There was nothing that he could do to change that. While ever his past remained elusive he would continue to chase it.
He sighed as he got to his feet and walked over to the projector, carefully rolling up the film and placing it back in the battered box it had come from. He rested his hands against the shelf and took in a deep breath. He needed to pull himself together- he knew he needed to get his head straight, needed to sort his emotions so that he could be of use to his team. He moved to the kitchen and grabbed himself a beer- practically drinking it in one gulp to settle his shaking breath. He closed his eyes as a wave of emotion once more ran through him. Even he couldn't explain how he felt- he was exhausted and his body ached, yet he knew he wouldn't get any rest that night.
He startled as a knocking at his door broke the silence surrounding him. He hesitated, fairly sure who would be waiting on the other side, and feeling particularly unsociable. Then he thought for a moment and remembered his partner hanging upside down in a car crash, Owen Granger laying bleeding on the pavement from a bullet wound and Kensi and Deeks climbing fences and running through the streets of Los Angeles- all to get to him and suddenly he didn't feel able to ignore the door. He finished his beer and placed the empty bottle beside the sink before finally going to the front, hand on his SIG as he opened it the merest crack to peer out.
"Hello Sam" he greeted with a sigh, opening the door wider to allow his partner entry. As the larger man stepped into the house Callen looked him up and down, looking for any signs of injury from his dramatic entry into the firefight earlier that afternoon.
"Glad to see you too G" Sam acknowledged the tone used by the younger man. "How you doing?"
"I'm fine Sam" Callen responded with a long suffering sigh as he moved back into the kitchen- handing his friend a beer. Sam twisted the cap off and had a drink of the cool liquid.
"Did you get checked out?" he asked his partner, looking him over carefully.
"No need I'm fine Sam" Callen responded as he moved through the house and into the rear yard, knowing without checking that his partner would follow him. "Any word on Granger?" he asked as he sat on the edge of the patio.
"Yeah- it was a superficial wound- he'll be fine" Sam replied as he sat next to his friend.
"And you're ok?"
"I'm fine G- just a few scrapes" Sam replied sipping at his beer. "So an officer in the KGB huh?" he asked gently, knowing this was a subject not to push his friend on.
"Apparently so" Callen acknowledged noncommittally.
"Have you managed to find him?"
"No- the trail goes cold when I was still a small boy" the team leader replied, his face difficult to read in the moonlight.
"You'll find him G- you're too stubborn not to" Sam commented, pleased when some of the tension eased from his friend's shoulders.
"I know I will" he whispered to the stars, his thoughts lost to a time nearly forty years ago that he didn't even remember yet somehow knew it was the last time he had felt truly loved and secure. "I have to find him Sam" he muttered, and despite the words Sam knew that his partner wasn't really talking to him- he had a faraway look in his clear blue eyes that was somewhere in Eastern Europe many years ago. He just hoped that his partner wouldn't disappear on him and head off on a fool's mission just to get hurt again.
"You will G- you know we'll help you" Sam assured his friend as he squeezed his shoulder. "I guess you really were born to this G- a CIA operative for a mom and a KGB officer for a Dad? No wonder you seem to think you are invincible" he added with a chuckle. Callen smiled slightly at the comment, he knew his partner had his back- he always did.
"I need to find my family Sam- I need to know what happened. I have to find out who I am and where I came from"
"You have a family Callen- right here. Me, Kensi, Hetty hell even Deeks- we love you man" Sam reasoned. "I know who you are G, you're my partner, my friend and my brother- sure you can be a royal pain in the ass but you are all those things to me because I know you"
"It's not enough Sam" Callen whispered, appreciating his friend's words- but unable to deny that he would never feel complete until he knew the truth about his background. "It will never be enough- I have to know what happened to them- why they gave me up? I have to know my name Sam! It will never be enough until I do"
"Then let us help you G- don't push us away. We're family- we have all been through so much together and come through to the other side, I'm begging you man don't go lone wolf on us- let us help" Sam asked softly, hoping that his partner could see how desperate he was to get through to him. Callen sighed at the words.
"I don't even know where to start Sam" Callen said slugging his beer in one go.
"You start at the beginning and work your way forward. Find out why your father was locked up"
"It's all redacted, dead ends- hell even Hetty doesn't know"
"This doesn't sound like you G- giving up before you have even started. Get some sleep, relax and we'll look at it with fresh eyes in the morning". Callen sighed before reluctantly nodded, he was exhausted- but he knew he wouldn't get any sleep despite his partner's words.
"Thanks Sam" he muttered as he got to his feet- wincing as it pulled on his aching back muscles. Sam shook his head as he saw the motion.
"I can't believe you rigged the car to explode G" he stated as he shook his head in amazement.
"Just a little trick I picked up in my youth" Callen responded with a smile as he headed back inside the house.
"And the gun stuck to the car with duct tape?" Sam questioned, unable to hide his amusement at his friend's antics.
"You really don't want to know where I got that one from" Callen replied, his face straight despite his battle to not laugh at his friends face.
"Well wherever you learnt it I'm glad that you did- but if you do that to me again I'll kill you myself" Sam stated- and both men knew that he was serious despite the levity of his tone.
"I know Sam- it's because you love me" Callen responded with a grin and a wink.
"Finally he gets it" Sam muttered to himself at his partner's words inadvertently hit the nail on the head- yet he knew that his partner would never be capable of fully believing it despite his best efforts. He shook his head again and followed his friend through into the house- determined to make sure the younger man at least tried to get some rest even if it meant slipping something into his drink Hetty style.
"I do get it Sam" Callen stated as he turned around and finally looked at his partner. Sam returned the look in confusion. "I don't understand it- but I do get it" he finished, before he turned on his heel and headed off to his bedroom. "Night Sam" he threw over his shoulder before stepping into the room and closing the door behind him, leaving a bemused navy Seal in his wake.
Sam paused for a moment to allow his friend's words to be absorbed- maybe his friend was finally starting to understand that people loved him and genuinely cared about what happened to him. He was certain it wouldn't stop him from going lone wolf on them- that was a deep seated instinct within him that he doubted anyone would ever be able to change, yet finally acknowledging that Sam did care showed that maybe he did realise how much he meant to people, even if he was too hurt from his past demons to understand why.
LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA
Callen leant against the door as he pushed it firmly shut. Sam's words had hit home, he knew that his partner cared about him- he also knew that the older man would go to the ends of the earth to protect him, that much had been obvious over the last few days. He just didn't understand why. He sighed as he undid the fly on his jeans and slipped his clothes off folding them and placing them beside his bedroll. He rubbed his hands through his hair and eased himself down, lying flat with his hands resting behind his head. He closed his eyes and hoped for sleep to claim him, a feeling of warmth rushing through him at the thought of the love that he had from the strange family he belonged to- he might not have his parents or even a first name, but at least he had people that cared for him and that did ease the ache in his heart-even if only a little.
The End
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