Disclaimer: DUH I do not own these people or any of the pop culture I mention in this. I'm only writing this because enough people like Hold On for me to do this through James's view. And if you didn't read the original story this will still make sense.

Prologue

James Potter was no idiot. Despite the opinions of his peers he truly wasn't an idiot. He just didn't care enough to work for school. He wouldn't have to work a day in his life if he didn't want to; he was the heir to the entire Potter fortune. James was far too lazy to bother doing something as useless as schoolwork. Dumbledore must have seen something else in James though because he made him Head Boy by the beginning of his seventh year. He was going to remind Dumbledore he was completely wrong for Head Boy and suggest Lupin for it instead, despite his parents' encouragements to do it. The point that convinced him to not say anything and to just be Head Boy was the fact that Lily Evans was Head Girl and that the two heads shared a dorm.

James had a major crush on Lily since their fifth year and everyone knew it. He had asked her out countless times but each rejection made him more determined to win her over. That was what he liked about her; she was obviously smart and had a quick sense of humor. She had to have a good one to come up with the comebacks she did. Top that off, she was absolutely beautiful. But he knew she would never like him unless she saw the real him. Only problem was he had no idea how to show her the real him.

It came by accident. He had no idea when she was coming back to their dorm so he decided to read. It was shocking, but he really did love to read. When Lily saw him she was absolutely shocked but it had worked. She began talking to him about books and they found that they had similar book interests. He even recommended some of his favorite books to her in the hopes she would remember him when she read them.

James had been doing well with Lily. He was showing her that he really did have an intellectual side but was hiding away the parts of him he didn't like. He had kept his temper in check for while, his biggest downfall. Then Malfoy fucked it up.

Part 1

"Fuck off, Malfoy," hissed James. James and the of the Gryffindor Quidditch team were at the fields, getting ready to fly despite the light rain falling. Of course Malfoy and his cronies were at the field, along with Narcissa, who seemed ever at Malfoy's side.

"Touched a nerve, Potter?" Malfoy smirked. He was leaning against the stands lazily in a manner that showed how much confidence he had. Narcissa was standing next to him, wary. She seemed to sense the oncoming fight that was going to happen.

"Fuck off, Malfoy," repeated James. He really didn't want to lose his temper; he'd been keeping it in check so well. "Don't you have anything better to do? Like Black?" James nodded his head towards Narcissa. That was a huge mistake. Not only did Narcissa glare at him (and a glare from Narcissa Black was certainly scary enough) but Malfoy's face began to contort in anger. His eyes had turned to slits and he was clenching his fists at his side.

"What did you say?" repeated Malfoy threateningly. Narcissa could sense the anger coming off of her boyfriend and was already at his side, pulling at his sleeve like a child.

"Lucius forget it," she insisted. "Just let it go."

"You know what's sad, Malfoy?" James drawled loudly. "That I'm more scared of you girlfriend than you right now." He could feel his anger increasing as he saw the concern in Narcissa's eyes. Fucking Malfoy had a girlfriend at his side to be there for him while James had no one. "And what's even sadder is that she's probably only protecting you so that she can get your fortune."

"Go to hell, Potter!" screamed Lucius suddenly, tearing free from Narcissa. He had begun to pull his wand out but Narcissa was already pulling it away from him.

"Lucius, don't!" screamed the Black girl, successfully managing to get the wand away from him.

"Please, Black, let him," encouraged James. "I highly doubt he could hurt me anyway."

"Maybe you're right, Cissa," Lucius suddenly said as he turned towards his girlfriend. "I shouldn't bother proving James when he's like this. He's just pissed because not even that whore Evans will fuck him," Malfoy hissed. That got James to snap, exactly as Malfoy had predicted. With a wild cry James threw himself at Malfoy, completely forgetting about his wand in his anger. Malfoy didn't have a chance to defend himself, the first thing he did was shove Narcissa out of the way before he hit the ground.

"Don't call her a whore!" James screamed as he punched Malfoy. He was just hitting every party of Malfoy he could hit. In the background he could dimly hear Narcissa's screaming but he ignored it. Eventually Malfoy got the opportunity he wanted. He grabbed the front of James's shirt and flipped James over Malfoy, ripping his shirt in the process. Before James had a chance to get to Malfoy again, Narcissa had run over and was kneeling beside Malfoy.

"Are you ok?" she was muttering sweetly to Malfoy. The Slytherin Prince was sitting on the ground with his hand to his lip, trying to stop a bloody lip James had given him. "Let me see," demanded Narcissa, pulling Lucius's hand away from his lip and examining the wound.

James stood where he was, watching the two of them. He ignored the fact he was soaked, ignored the fact his shirt was ripped in half on the ground next to him, ignored the bruise on his stomach. He couldn't take his eyes off of them. That scene hurt James more than any of Malfoy's insults. It reminded James that a bastard like Malfoy had such a caring girlfriend while James was stuck watching Lily from a distance.

Practice was done after that, everyone knew it. James grabbed his cloak and ripped shirt, storming back to the castle. He couldn't get that image out of his mind. The more he thought about it the angrier it made him.

As his anger began to rise in him James lost his through process. He had gotten into his dorm and threw the door open, entirely forgetting that Lily would probably be sitting in the living room. She was, of course, reading Salem's Lot, which James had given her. When he entered she jumped before taking in the state he was in. He had no time to explain anything to her, instead beginning to storm off to his room. "Is something wrong?" she asked him.

"Yes!" he barked back but regretted it instantly. He needed to be alone before he snapped at Lily, retreating back to the sanctuary of his room. His anger was beginning to disappear but he dropped to the ground and began to do as many push-ups as he could. Doc Pleasance had told him to do push-ups when he got angry, it really did help him. Doc Pleasance was a good man, a good shrink, especially for someone with a temper like James's. He wasn't paying attention to anything other than counting until Lily entered the room.

"What happened?" Lily asked as she stepped into his room and the door shut behind her. James tried to keep his mind off the fact the girl he liked was standing in the room and suddenly realizing he had no shirt on.

"Fucking Malfoy," he spat out with absolute disgust. As he told the story he felt the anger calming inside him, another thing Doc Pleasance had told him to do. "He and some of the Slytherins were at the field when we got there. Malfoy started saying something and I attacked him. He fucking ripped my shirt," he added with a hollow laugh. "I wouldn't have stopped except I heard Narcissa screaming. It was pathetic, she looked so concerned and freaked out that I'd hurt goddamn Malfoy." Done with his story and having done his hundred push-ups James let his arms collapse. He let himself lay on the floor for a second but once he felt his heartbeat return to normal he jumped up to face Lily.

"Happy?" he gasped. Despite that his heart had returned to normal he was still having trouble breathing. He was still angry enough to snap, or God forbid, hurt Lily. "You heard what happened; can you leave me in peace?"

"Was that from Malfoy?" Lily asked him suddenly. She was pointing at a bruise on James's chest that he had barely noticed.

"What?" he repeated, slightly dumbly. "Probably." Gingerly he poked the bruise and winced at the pain. Groaning at the prospect of the pain of another bruise he flopped backwards onto his bed.

"Does it hurt?" Lily whispered gently. Suddenly James felt the shift in his bed that meant Lily was sitting next to him. He jumped up automatically so he was sitting next Lily as opposed to lying next to her. Laying down was to vulnerable.

"What, the bruise? Trust me, I've faced a lot worse," he laughed hollowly.

"Why the push-ups?" Lily asked him, just as suddenly as the rest of her questions. James gave another hollow, empty laugh.

"Doc Pleasance told me to do them when I lost my temper," James explained. He realized, to late, that he was going to have to explain his shrink after mentioning him.

"Doc Pleasance?" repeated Lily.

"My shrink," James sighed. "He told me to do push-ups when I feel like I'm going to punch someone. Probably didn't help I did the push-ups after I punched someone."

"You have a shrink?" gasped Lily. James finally gave a real laugh, his normal barking laugh but Lily couldn't see what was so funny.

"For my temper. Got Doc Pleasance in between first and second year," he remembered. After pausing for a minute James turned to Lily with a slightly panicked expression on his face, praying to God she wouldn't say anything. "Please, don't tell anyone. The only people who know are Sirius, Remus and Peter."

"I promise," answered Lily automatically. James liked the idea of Lily knowing secret about him. "You sure your ok?" she asked.

"I'm fine. But…..thank you for uh asking," he stuttered out.

December

Things had been going shockingly well between him and Lily. That night began to give him hope that something could happen between him and Lily. She was such an amazing person but it seemed she enjoyed spending time with James. Then disaster struck in everyway.

December 25, Christmas Day. James was at his family's ranch and all 63 of them were sitting down for dinner when the Death Eaters attacked. It was horrible. James wasn't seventeen yet, so couldn't use magic at home so his wand was in his room. Despite that he still tried to fight them off, knocking out a few of them before something smashed into him from behind and he passed out.

When he began to wake he was surrounded by the bodies of dead cousins, aunts, uncles and his parents. He was about to jump up and get help but he could hear voices.

"Malfoy, we need to get out of here!" someone hissed. With a crack the Death Eaters were gone and James got up to get help.

James returned to school a week late , having to deal with paperwork and funerals. He told no one that he knew Abraxas Malfoy (Lucius's father) had been there. He wanted to kill Malfoy himself when the time came.

To get to Malfoy, James needed to be an Auror. And to be an Auror James needed to take his schoolwork seriously. He began taking every available class and focusing all his time on studying for classes and Death Eater behavior. He was skipping meals to get more time for his research, began to avoid the Marauders. They were constantly trying babying him and he couldn't deal with it. Eventually he even quit the Quidditch team, it was taking up to much time. He needed to focus on learning how to get back at every Death Eater that killed his family.

Lucius Malfoy received the brunt of James's pain. Every time James saw him he couldn't be see Abraxas, the man who had murdered his family. He began to attack Malfoy at every opportunity, he couldn't help it. Eventually he went to far and really hurt Malfoy. James knew that he had landed the Slytherin in the hospital wing and that people wanted him to go to St. Mungo's but it felt as if he was living in a different world from all that. And the one person who could bring him back to that world, he cut out.

Part 2

"James?" Lily called from outside his room. He knew the door would open for her so kept his eyes on the book he was reading.

"James?" she repeated after he heard the door shut behind her. James still refused to look up, he desperately needed to finish this and move on to his next assignment.

"Lily," he returned.

"Since when do you take Runes?" he heard her gasp. He had just realized she was leaning against the front of his bed and looking at the papers and books surrounding him.

"Since I got back," James replied tonelessly. "I've been taking more classes. Teachers promised if got the work done by the end of the year they'd let me pass the class."

"Since when are you focusing on classes?" she demanded.

"If I want to get accept to Auror training early I have to take every available class," James told her without looking up. There was no harm in telling her he wanted to be an Auror, his family was famous for being them. He was hoping she would leave after that, he needed to focus.

"James, can I talk to you?" asked Lily in a slightly pleading tone. James began to move books on the bed so she could sit, making sure that she sat far away from him. He wouldn't be able to deal with her being so close to him.

"Look, James……..James, look at me," she commanded suddenly. James finally looked at her and regretted it. The concern in her face was so pure, so bare that it hurt him to realize he caused it. And her eyes, damn, her eyes. He had always been sucked into those green eyes but now, to see them brimming with tears with concern for him, made him feel like staring at them forever.

"James, I'm……worried about you," she finally said.

"Why?" he snapped, harsher than he intended. He couldn't let her get close, it would distract him to much from his goal. "I'm fine. Absolutely perfect. Now, I have quiet a bit of homework to do, so if you wouldn't mind." With a swift jab of his head he motioned towards the door.

"James, you're not fine!" she yelled. Before James realized it she was crawling towards him, stopping directly in front of him. He tried to back up but was met with his bedboard. She was to close, he wanted to grab her and kiss her right there. "James, you're certainly not fine," she repeated. "You look horrible."

"I knew you never thought I was attractive," James began to joke humorlessly but Lily interrupted him.

"That's not what I mean! You've gotten far to thin, you look like you haven't slept in days and I can't remember the last time I saw a smile on your face. And your eyes," she moaned. That moan was so sad that James wanted to hold her but resisted the urge. "James, I haven't seen a spark in your eyes in months."

"Careful Lily," he cautioned with seriously tone voice. "You start going on about someone's eyes your going to start sounding like me." It was true. Whenever he had asked her out he mentioned how lovely her eyes were.

"Listen to me," begged Lily. "I don't want to see you like this. Is this because of what happened to your family?"

"Don't mention them!" James hissed. He looked away for the quickest second to calm himself before looking back at Lily.

""Your trying to become an Auror to avenge their deaths aren't you?" she whispered. Her eyes were so big, so innocent looking that James felt drawn towards them. "You're focusing so much on your classes so that you can become an Auror and make up for their dea—"

"ENOUGH!" he roared with sudden ferocity. This wasn't happening, he told himself. He didn't want Lily to try to help him, he needed to do this alone.

"I can understand why you would want to become an Auror, but this is ridiculous!" pressed Lily. "You're stopped Quidditch, something that used to be your life! You're cutting off your friends, and they're all concerned."

"It's better if I don't bother them," James muttered. "They don't need to deal with me like this right now."

"James, they want to!" she reminded. "They're your friends, they're supposed to help you through times like these." Damn, she was right.

"What times?" demanded James. He didn't want her to say it.

"Your family's murders," she whispered but it was enough to send James off. He began to see their bodies flashing through his eye. He began to cover his ears to block out their screams and screwed his eyes shut so he wouldn't see their bodies flashing through his mind. The only thing that pulled him from his flashbacks was when he felt Lily grab his wrists. His eyes flew open as she touched him, her fingers were so warm against his frozen skin. Despite the fact he was trying to focus on Lily in front of him he began to shake, still hearing screams in his mind.

"James, she repeated gently. She pulled James to her in an attempt to calm him but it had an opposite effect on James. His heart began to beat wildly fast as he lay his head against her and he couldn't get images of what he should be doing to her out of his head as she gently stroked his hair.

"Maybe if I had paid attention in classes more." He couldn't believe that he was admitting this to her, he hadn't even told his shrink. "Maybe if I had learned more I would have been able to help them."

"How many Death-Eaters were there?" Lily asked him. He couldn't help but begin to shake as he saw the fiends flying through his mind but Lily held him tightly, pressing James even closer to her body. ""No matter what training you would never have been able to fight off so many. These people had no thoughts but to kill your family and nothing would have stopped that."

"You don't know that," he moaned. This was the fear he'd been holding to himself, the reason he'd been doing everything he'd been doing.

"James, if you had tried to fight anymore you would have been killed," she told him soundly.

"Maybe that would have been better. I'm sure everyone would be happier if I were dead and out of the way," he said plainly and truthfully. With strength he had never expected Lily suddenly grabbed his face between her hands. She was making sure he was giving her every bit of attention but she didn't need to be so drastic. All Lily had to do was look at him and he couldn't focus on anything else.

"Never say that," she ordered in a wavering voice. "No one would be happier with you dead. Think of what your friends would be like. Sirius, Remus, Peter they'd be absolutely miserable."

"Maybe for awhile but they'd move in," he told her in a deadpan voice. He tried to pull away, being this close to Lily was too much. But she made it even worse by placing her hands around his neck. That brought James closer to Lily than he'd ever been before and if he really wanted to he only had to move an inch or two and he'd be kissing her.

"How can you say that?" she demanded angrily. "They'd be upset for life! And, it's not only them, I'm sure many others would be upset."

"Name one," James hissed. In his heart he knew that she wanted her to say she would, that she'd be absolutely killed if he died and that she wanted him with her always but he knew he was being ridiculous. What made it worse was that Lily only stared at him at a complete loss. "See? No one would care."

"No!" she yelled, amazing loudly. "James, I would care. I'd……care a lot more than ever before."

"Nice to know I've made you not hate me," returned James. That's what it sounded like to him. "Can you let me go?" he added in, he was beginning to lose his self-control and he felt too desperate to kiss her.

"James, that wasn't what I meant," she clarified.

"Oh, lovely," he sighed defeatedly. "You still hate me?" As he said this he gingerly pulled her hands off his neck but couldn't seem to let them go. He'd been waiting so long to get close to her and all he could do now was hold her hands.

"James, I don't hate you," she assured him gently. "And if you died I……I…..James, I don't know what I'd do. You couldn't imagine how much that'd hurt me."

"Why?" James demanded. He stared at her in complete confusion. It sounded like……but of course not. If he dared let himself think that he would be forced to face another let down.

"Why do you think?" snapped Lily sarcastically. "Because I like you, you fucking dumbass."

James couldn't believe it. All he could do was stare at her to see if she was joking but he slowly began to realize she was telling the truth as her eyes shined with tears. She must have been thinking he didn't like her from his reaction so he did the only thing he could think, the only thing on his mind for two years. He leaned forward and kissed her.

He was shocked to have her response be so quick. The first thing she did was pull her hands away from his and placed them back around his neck, pulling the two of them close enough so that their bodies were touching. James couldn't believe he was doing this. He had been waiting for two years to kiss her lips, to feel her arms around his body and to feel her in his arms. He didn't want to wait anymore, he was already pulling he down towards her bed and on top of him. When he did that he wasn't expecting her to gasp but when she did he took advantage of her open mouth to slide his tongue into her mouth. It was impossible for James to remember any experience that had made his whole body feel like it was tingling like when Lily's tongue began to play with his won. At least until he realized the blouse she was wearing allowed him to kiss her neck and began to do so eagerly. Her skin was so warm and so soft it began to drive him nuts and her shirt became to much coverage for James to deal with. He needed her badly and began to pull at her buttons but that was too much for Lily.

"James," she cautioned but James could barley hear him. The only thing his mind was focusing on was getting that damn shirt off her. He pulled her back, kissing her brutally, harder than he had meant and began to undo her buttons once again.

"James!" she repeated, pulling away once more. "Not now." She was breathing just as heavily as James with desire for the other but her reason was still intact. "You're still dealing with your family's deaths and we're not even going out or anything."

"Oh, you're right," he groaned. Once his hands and lips were off Lily's tantalizingly amazing body it became easier to think. "I wish to God you weren't, but you are. Of course. I do like you, Lily," he assured her. "You have to know that. After all these years you have to know that I love you." He was surprised to hear himself admit it but he knew it was true.

"James, you don't love me," she admonished. "Not yet."

"Fine, I like you as much as possible," he responded and he felt a smile come to his lips in the firs time for months. It felt good, if slightly unfamiliar. It reminded him of a favorite meal someone hadn't had in to long and was suddenly given back to them. "But you're right. I guess I just need something to hold onto right now, and I want that to be you."

"I always be there for you to hold onto," she promise and James couldn't resist but kissing her again.