Disclaimer: I don't own these character, Natsuki Takaya does. I'm sorry if you don't like this, it's my first time writing a fanfic...please comment with any ideas or critics you may have...and thanks so much for reading! :)))) oh, and sorry if there are any bad grammers or spelling mistakes...thanks again! :)))
Chapter 1: Too Young To Love?
Kyo couldn't move. He couldn't speak. His small hand reached out, shaking, just as the rest of his body. Tears blurred his vision and stung his cheeks in the cold. As he stumbled passed the houses of various family members, close or distant he couldn't tell, all he could see was that terrible smirk.
Finally, tired and weary, he reached the gates. The ones he had admired and feared his entire life. The gates that brought him to an outside world, where he was something other than a cursed cat. Where Kyo knew no one, where he was no one. Where cages were not used on people and the zodiac was a simple story.
The bare trees on either side of the road swayed in the wind. It was impossible to tell whether they motioned him to go, or return. Either way, it made no difference. He had made his choice when he left the main house. But still, he was afraid. Kyo was small, scared, scarred and alone. He had all he needed: the money, his coat, and his beads. Still, he was afraid. For all he could see in his mind was that smirk.
Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Kyo started, fearful of its owner, worried he might be punished. The hand was strong, yet still gentle.
The young man knelt beside Kyo, and still it seemed his figure towered in comparison. He said nothing, but his hand tightened its grip, as if to ensure Kyo didn't run.
"What are you doing out here?" Hatori's voice was hard. It was not unkind, but in its usual monotone.
The question didn't require an answer. Kyo knew Hatori wasn't stupid. He needed no explanation. There for, he said nothing. He simply stood as still as possible, doing his best not to shiver.
Hatori sighed, as if trying to remain calm. "What did Akito do? What did he do to upset you this time? Or perhaps I should ask how you upset him?"
These words cut deep into Kyo's heart, as if he had been stabbed with one of the long icicles hanging nearby. He shook his small head, trying his best to keep more tears from falling. Kyo's breathing was heavy, and he was so cold. The last thing he needed was to get sick at a time like this.
"You don't want to talk about it? You just want to disappear, without a trace? No final, parting words to your mother?"
Kyo's fight to keep away tears was futile at this point. A young boy's heart can take only so much.
"Ok, perhaps I can't get you to speak. That's fine with me; all I need is your ability to listen. How much have you thought this through, Kyo? I see you've brought your new shoes, your big coat. You even thought of bringing a hat to cover that orange top of yours. Did you bring money? Enough to get bus ticket?"
He nodded, and used his free hand to pat his coat pocket.
"Very well Kyo, so where do you plan to go? How can you be sure the bus driver will even allow a strange young boy to ride by himself? Even if he did let you, where would you get off?"
"I'd get off at the farthest stop from this place," Kyo muttered spitefully.
"Oh, that's a good plan." Hatori's sarcasm was surprising. Kyo had always known him to be a straight forward kind of guy. "So what do you do then? DO you have enough for food, lodgings? Or will you just sleep on the street? If you think its cold now, Kyo, wait until you're lying on a sidewalk at night."
Kyo hadn't thought of this. The only real thoughts had been able to form was how much he hated Sohma House. However, being the stubborn child he was, Kyo clung to the belief that he'd figure something out. It was too late to return home and steal more money. What if Mother saw him?
"Those are just the things a normal child running away has to worry about. What if you were to transform and someone saw? Not just into a cat, Kyo. Do you really want someone to see you in your other form? Think of what someone would do if they saw? Are you truly able to picture that scene?"
Kyo closed his eyes. All he could see were horrified and disgusted looks. Akito's words ran through his mind once more: "It's disgusting! The most horrible thing I've ever seen…..it's a monster!" Fresh tears came, along with the fresh heart break.
"Don't act stupid Kyo. You aren't stupid, and we both know it. You are no fool, Kyo. And neither is Akito. He will find you if you run, and think what he may do then. Think what those kinds of punishments would do to your mother."
"She'd be grateful!" Kyo's outburst surprised him even more than it did Hatori. His words were followed by another sigh.
"If it were only my place, Kyo, I would slap you smartly across that mug of yours. Your mother would be horrified to hear you say that, and if you were hurt like that."
"It's the truth! She doesn't really love me! She only feels bad for not loving me the way a true mother would! She wishes I was never born! She's just ashamed of me, ashamed of herself for bringing me into the world!" Kyo's rant was louder than he had intended. Not that he had intended to say anything at all. His small figure crumpled under the weight of so much painful emotions. The hurt was too much for his young heart to bear.
Hatori's hand kept its tight grip on Kyo's shoulder. Though the latter's body heaved from the sobs, Hatori didn't move. His eyes looked at the distraught child, with no tears of his own. Though he had no tears, his eyes shone with a deep sadness, sympathy, and a true understanding. Although Hatori knew he could never really understand Kyo, he understood the false love Kyo spoke of.
"Kyo, you say your mother doesn't love you. However, you say that she's ashamed of you. You've contradicted yourself."
Kyo looked up at him with tear-filled and wondering eyes.
"Your mother couldn't be ashamed of you if she didn't love you. Shame is a byproduct of hurt, and hurt is a byproduct of love. Her love for you has hurt her, and therefore caused her pain. Because of this pain Kyo, she is afraid to love you, and that fear gives her shame. You must prove to her, Kyo, you're worthy of her love. Because for people like us, Kyo, love cannot be given for free. You must earn that love from her, Kyo; earn it with your own love. Running away does nothing but hurt her more, it works against what you truly want."
"But then, Hatori, when will I have earned her love? What can I do?" Kyo's question was expressed not only with words, but with every detail in his face. What touched Hatori the most was his eyes, huge with anticipation. Those eyes were too old for the small face they belonged to. They showed too much hurt, and looked slightly hardened. It was the hardness that frightened Hatori; he didn't want Kyo to grow as bitter and hard as so many zodiac members did.
"You can't do it right this moment, Kyo. It takes time. You earn it with love, and the kind of love we're talking about takes a long time to mature and age. You must love with all of your heart, if you want love in return. You're too young to love like that right now. You can't expect that love right away. You're too young, so you must wait. And you can't wait for that love on a bus. You have to wait with that person."
"But, Hatori, what if…" Kyo's eyes were filled with fear, more fear then any time he had seen them before, "what if Mom doesn't wait long enough for me to earn it? What if she doesn't let me earn her love…..what if that happens?"
Hatori looked away from Kyo for the first time. After about a minute, he looked back and said, "Well, Kyo, that's rejection. It's just another part of love."
"So does that mean, if you don't love you won't be rejected?"
The words shocked Hatori more then they should have. After all, for a cat, or any member of the zodiac really, it was a perfectly normal question. Perhaps it was just Kyo's young age getting to him again?
"Kyo…"Hatori knew he wasn't qualified to answer Kyo's question…"that's a completely different problem entirely."
With those words, Kyo's heart sank once more. He still wouldn't stay; his mother wasn't the only reason Kyo had for leaving. He tried to pull away, to stand and walk through the gates into a new life.
Hatori pulled him back, never releasing his hand from Kyo's shoulder. "You can't escape this life, Kyo. You can escape this house, this country, perhaps even Akito, but not the curse. You'll always be a Sohma."
With these words, Kyo collapsed once more. He howled the pain in his heart too much to bear. He cried, he sobbed he bawled. As if to add insult to injury, Hatori scooped up his small body and began to carry him home.
Kyo begged for mercy, "No! Hatori! You have no heart! I want to leave! I never want to go home! Hatori, I hate you! I'll never forgive you for taking me home!" Kyo kicked, he screamed, he even attempted to bite the arms rapped around his middle.
Hatori didn't mind. He simply wlaked along the long stone path, occasionaly shifting the child's weight to make him easier to carry. Hatori knew that when Kyo said he wouldn't forgive him, the kid meant it. Hatori understood that, yet strangly, he never didn't grudge the child any of this. The cat would never truely thank him for his words earlier, but that didn't mean he wouldn't follow them. Perhaps not today, but some day...
Kyo finally went limp. He had no more fight left inside his tiny body. All he felt was the numbness spreading through his body. This was partly an emotional lapse, but also a physical reaction to his incredible amount of tears.
Finally, Hatori stopped, standing infront of Kyo's house. The shutters were closed, but small puffs of smoke came from the tall chimney. Kyo's heart sank once again. His mother was home. There would be no escape, he was done for. He would have to stay.
Hatori plopped the child down infront of his steps, and stood waiting for the small feet to climb up and enter the house.
With one last attempt, Kyo looked up into the young man's face, glared, and said, "I'll always hate you for this, Hatori."
"Listen, Kyo, you may hate as much as you want. But you will give your best to earn love! There's no point in running. Now go inside, before you catch your death."
Kyo admitted defeat. With a heavy heart he trudged up the steps and paused at the front door. He turned and asked one final question, "Hatori, will Mother love me when I'm older?"
"That, Little One, is her decision and hers alone."
With that, Kyo went back into the house he called a home, and saw the woman he called a mother sitting on the couch. He snuck past, hoping to remain unspotted. He then remembered Hatori's lesson, and turned around. Walking into the family room, he reached out to his mother, and gave her a half-hearted hug. Tears fell once more, soft tears that patted onto her shoulder like a drizzling rain.
"Shhh, Kyo. It's alright. Your mother is here…Mother hasn't left you."