May 5, 1808
South New Jersey
Weird Farms
I reckon if the smartest scientist in the whole state says we can't eat the giant potatoes big enough to feed ten continents, I wonder about today's meaning of smart. He said we was gonna solve world hunger, but I'd have never guessed his plan was to breed food smart enough to think of a solution. The master of the farm, that crazy old coot, walked around in that purple robe and wore no shoes all months of the year. Farming wasn't his only hobby. His daddy opened up one of the first asylums in the New World, and a chemistry lab in the same building. But Master Weird, as brilliant as he was, made the world wonder what was goin' on in God's head when he brought down his string of life to this Earth.
I only had two more weeks of work left on the farm before I went back to see my wife in Manhattan. So I put on my best face when I opened the barn that morning. I envied the many farmhands who did honest field work all day. Not me. I was the fetch boy for the cheap hussy that is science. It was not but a quarter to seven and the sun was just coming up. But the good doctor had been up two hours before me. I seen him for the fifth day in a row, digging his body around inside one of those giant potatoes. The cows watched him dimly, knowing they were wiser than Dr. Percy Weird.
"Steven!" his head popped out, covered in mashed potato. "Did we receive the order?" He boomed, ripping off his glass helmet and throwing it across the barn, shattering on a cow's head.
"All seven hundred tons, sir. Grade A Afghan pistachio seeds. And a sample bushel of the nuts." I paused for a minute and watched him stare grumpily at the good news. "You know, I was thinking, sir, some of these cows have started to get… a little big." I pointed lazily to one stable, that contained a cow too fat for its legs to touch the ground. At that moment, its udder popped from the weight, and screamed out in agony. The doctor put it out of its misery quickly with a revolver from his waistband. "And a few of them, uh, the colors." Dr. Weird followed my stare toward a cow with splotched skin in different shades of green and yellow. It was breathing heavily, and seemed to have a heart problem. Weird jumped in my face.
"LISTEN!" he backed away and whispered, "Can you hear it?"
"The cow's heart?" I asked, thinking he had read my mind.
"NO! The thinking!" he clutched my body. "It's thinking." He dug his hand into the core of the potato laying on the floor. "It's thinking harder than it ever has before. Do you not see it contains the knowledge of history, chemistry, philosophy, and biology!?" He waved his hands at the mashed up vegetable lying on the floor. As he was saying all this, a lantern fell from a perch and broke, lighting a pile of hay on fire. I backed away and opened the door.
"Steven, when all this is complete, my family will rule for a thousand years! And then I won't have to go through all this bullshit just to get my work done! Muahaha!" he cheered as the flame spread and crawled up his leg.
"Okay, I'll just be in the study, working on it, ok?" without waiting for an answer, I shut the door behind me. I could still hear his muffled cackles as he dove into the potato once more.
May 8, 1808
This evening I snuck a few of those fancy pistachios and put them in some vanilla ice cream. It was delicious. I hadn't had a treat like that in months. I began to feel homesick so I had a glass of milk and went out for a walk. Something about those nuts must have gotten my brain going somethin' fierce, because something strange occurred. I took a real close look at one of those big old potatoes in the field and tried to entertain just what the Master was saying. I gave a real close listen with my ears and my heart. Standing in the middle of a crop, I felt it. I couldn't hear words, just ideas. It was like a thousand giant brains just tickin' away. They ran deep with morals too. It wasn't all math and science. I felt like I was absorbing the wisdom of the heavens. These potatoes were crying out for a voice, in a universal language I just didn't understand. Sure enough, someone interrupted me. It was the crop and slave manager, Master Zula.
"Scuse me, good sir, but the fields are closed after hours. Surely you ought to know that, being as you worked here for the past year and a half." He said lightly swinging and patting the stick he carried so often strapped to his cowboy hat.
"Yeah, well I just thought that-"
"You thought what? You were gonna steal one of these potatoes, make some south of the border skins and use them to lure that stupid half-breed kid that wanders around here back to your barn and get him drunk on morphine? Well there's plenty of women around here, and if your idea of fun is with a little boy, then you can just move out with those red-skinned freaks in Louisiana!"
"Just out for a walk is all." I stammered. This tall pearly-white prince was unbearable. Almost as unbearable as the bastard child. Sure enough, he was out causin' mischief in the late hours. I saw him coming and I'd know him anywhere. A white-negro mix, raggy clothes, and the stupidest face you'd ever seen. The child must have only been eight or nine years old, and his hunch made him look even smaller. He had no parents, and no one wanted to name him, so we all called him The Mutt.
"And you better watch out for him, he's probably one of those demons from the circle of hell that's on the moon." Master Zula scolded Mutt.
"Now you know I was born here. My momma was the Doctor's third cousin, and my daddy was that slave they killed cuz he was too dumb to pick potatoes."
"Prove it then, smarty." Master Zula teased the young boy. "Show me your birth certificate. Oh wait, you don't have one because you're only worth 4/5 of a person because of your mixed up seed!"
"Now, they ain't even gonna give me a birth certificate cuz I ain't in the census. Dat's cuz, um… the government didn't know til last year that slaves and whites could make babies, so I guess um… I'm illegal. Dat's why Doctor Weird don't tell nobody I exist and I's gotta stay on the farm with ya'll."
"Right, because no one else will take you, now go back to bed, you need your beauty sleep for the polar bear swim tomorrow!" Zula kicked Mutt in the rear as he ran off to his cabin.
"Oh boy, polar bear swim! Good night Master, goodnight Dr. Steven!"
"You watch yourself out here." The Master warned me, and walked off. I retired to bed as well.