Prompt One: Sasuke without the Vengeance-Complex
In theory, when the Uchiha Clan was wiped out and Itachi went rogue after mind-fucking his little brother into hating him, Sasuke Uchiha was given an apartment much like Naruto had been a couple years prior. In theory, there was no attempt made to assist the boy with his psychological issues; he was just given the pity treatment and life moved on. In theory, this would lead the boy to develop an insatiable thirst for Vengeance and All-Around True Righteous Justice that would cause migraines for people not even remotely tied to the young Uchiha.
In theory.
But reality can be a fickle thing. It can be cruel, it can be unpredictable… And sometimes, it can have a really warped sense of humor. How else does one explain Hiruzen Sarutobi's last-minute decision to put young Sasuke Uchiha through Anger Management Classes immediately following the Massacre? My, how much of a difference that would have made for, well… everyone.
… In theory.
"I keep telling you, damn it… All I want is Itachi's head mounted on a pike!" A no-longer-cute-and-adorable Sasuke Uchiha snarled from his chair. ... Firmly tied up and chair nailed to the floor. "And I will see this through! Me!"
Sasuke's counselor – an unassuming, fat, old civilian with a goatee – shook his head slowly and scribbled down a few notes on his clipboard before shaking his pen at Sasuke.
"Now that's not very nice, Sasuke… When somebody hurts you, you shouldn't wish death and misery on them. You should wish them a long life and eternal happiness!" Here the counselor waved his arms about and grinned widely.
Sasuke stared at the man for several minutes. Just stared. Was… Was this man some retired shinobi, or was he just born this way? Taking a deep, slow breath, Sasuke came to the conclusion that he probably didn't want to know…
"I will not rest until Itachi is a bloodied corpse." Sasuke stated flatly, leaving no room for argument whatsoever.
The counselor simply shook his head and tapped his chin in thought.
"Let's try a different tack… On your questionnaire, you explained that you were upset when your father never acknowledged you. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Because Itachi was the perfect son…" Sasuke spat venomously. "I was never good enough… I could never be Itachi…. For reminding me of this, I had planned to humiliate father… But Itachi took my revenge from me… and for that Itachi must suffer…"
The counselor blinked owlishly at the bitter response. Clearly this boy had family issues.
"What about your mother? You never mentioned her once in the questionnaire, despite there clearly being a question that asked you to describe her… you just left that one blank." The counselor muttered.
Sasuke tilted his head to the side to get at an irritating neck pain. Being tied to a chair was stifling…
"Mother had been supportive of me, if not particularly helpful because the Clan is patriarchal and she had to listen to father…" The counselor clicked his pen in anticipation here as he bounced in his seat a little. Finally, something positive! "… But then there were all those times that she wouldn't let me play with Itachi, saying he had homework to do! It's because of her that Itachi became strong enough to slaughter the clan… If he hadn't been so diligent in his studies… So she deserved no mention. That is the best revenge on her."
Sasuke nodded decisively, and the counselor had stopped bouncing in his seat at this point. … Never mind, this boy had it bad.
"Now Sasuke, I'm going to show you some ink blots. The goal of this exercise is to use the power of your imagination and picture happy things!" The counselor giggled. Clearing his throat to regain his composure, the counselor showed the tied-up boy the first ink blot. "Now, I want you to go to your happy place. So what do you see?"
"Me breaking Itachi's bones… bending his pinky backwards into a kinda vice while I apply electric shocks to Itachi's eyeballs." Sasuke drawled, a faint smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth.
"… Uh huh. What about this one?"
"Me casting Tsukuyomi on Itachi, showing him that I was and always will be Father and Mother's Favorite." Sasuke answered decisively. He paused. "… Even if they didn't know it."
"And this one?" The counselor asked with a small amount of trepidation.
"A world that has forgotten the name 'Itachi Uchiha' after his painful death at my hands."
"… I'm starting to see a theme here, young man… And this one?"
"That idiot Naruto inciting my fangirls enough for them to brutally murder him and efficiently dispose of the body…" Sasuke mused aloud.
"Naruto? The De… er… I mean… that insufferable brat who's always playing pranks?"
Sasuke raised an eyebrow curiously.
"Hn. You know that loser?"
"Know him! He's the whole reason I had to go on those happy little white pills! Er…" The counselor coughed awkwardly and moved on. "And this one?"
"Itachi being forced to marry that annoying Sakura girl from the Academy."
"A classmate of yours? Why would that be a bad thing?"
"She's got pink hair, so his kids would have pink hair. All of them. His humiliation would amuse me greatly."
The counselor sweatdropped and jotted a few more notes down.
"R-Right… And what about this one?"
"Me force-feeding you these ink blots. They annoy me. Even if they bring pleasant images to mind." Sasuke deadpanned. The counselor quickly threw aside the ink blots and held up his hands peaceably.
"Okay, okay! Let's just move on!"
"Now Sasuke, I'm going to have you do a simple little exercise. When I say something not very nice about you, I want you to count to ten instead of raging at me. Okay? Now, uh… Sasuke…" The counselor tapped his chin as his brow furrowed. "I, um… I don't think you're a very nice person!"
… If Sasuke could face-palm, he would.
"Duh. I haven't felt 'nice' since…"
The counselor shushed him.
"Only numbers!"
Sasuke sighed and grumbled about how he would be getting revenge for this… Getting vengeance on this oaf wouldn't be enough either; he might just have to take revenge on the Hokage for this. He set this up, after all.
"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten…" Sasuke deadpanned the numbers in quick succession with an eye roll. The counselor clapped gleefully.
"Very good! Okay, um… Sasuke… I… I don't think you'll ever get your revenge on Itachi!"
Sasuke's nostrils flared and his eyes lit with an unholy fire.
"When I get out of here, fire and brimstone will rain down on your corpse and…"
"Only numbers!" The counselor screeched over Sasuke's venomous rant. Sasuke breathed in and out through his nose a few more times before (reluctantly) acquiescing.
"One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten…" Sasuke huffed, rattling off the numbers a little quicker this time. Through grinding teeth.
The counselor tapped his chin again.
"Sasuke, when you resurrect the Uchiha Clan, they'll be known for their pink hair instead of their Sharingan!"
And here the counselor had been sure he'd tied Sasuke to the chair snugly enough. A sudden tearing of the rope and a rabid preteen boy pouncing on him proved him wrong… So, so wrong…
It took just one week before the counselor was at the tearing-out-his-hair stage. Sasuke was a horrible, violent child… A child so obsessed with revenge that "unhealthy" was a vast understatement. There was literally nothing the civilian counselor could do to steer young Sasuke off the path of vengeance; his brother had screwed him over that badly.
… Then again, seeing as he'd wanted to enact vengeance on his parents prior to their deaths, perhaps young Sasuke was always like this, and it took the massacre to really draw the crazy out of the boy.
Well, no matter. Civilian therapy rarely worked on shinobi anyway, and even though Sasuke was still in the Academy, he was already to the insanity level of an eccentric Jonin. So-to-speak. That didn't mean the counselor was going to give up – no, no, no. He had promised the Hokage results, and that was exactly what he was going to do!
Soon Sasuke was so drugged up on those happy little white pills that he was deemed sane enough to leave the anger management sessions. So what if he was a smidge more eccentric than before? Better that he be positive and optimistic than a frothing revenge-obsessed idiot that was a danger to the village as a whole. At least now the brat was out of his hair…
Kakashi casually surveyed his potential future students, having just given his typical 'Here's my name, you don't need to know the rest' intro. He pondered the advantages and disadvantages of working with this team… So far the disadvantages far outweighed whatever 'advantages' there were. For one, not a single one out of this trio of was dressed in properly subdued colors. Naruto's obnoxious jumpsuit went without saying, and of course Sakura being a civilian meant she wouldn't have the experience yet to know that her bright red dress and pink hair would likely make her as big of a target as Naruto.
… But Sasuke, he took the cake. His rainbow-style shirt (which still had the uchiwa fan on the back, unfortunately enough) and pants would make him a laughingstock in the shinobi corps – even moreso than Might Guy, who could actually get serious when he needed to, contrary to overgeneralizations of his quirks. But Sasuke… he was too damn drugged up on pills to know when it was time to be serious.
What had Lord Hokage been thinking when he had allowed Sasuke to complete his education at the Academy?!
"Alright… How about you, duck-butt?" Kakashi drawled, wanting to get the worst of the introductions out of the way first. "Likes, dislikes, dreams for the future. Go."
"My name is Sasuke Uchiha," Sasuke replied amicably, grinning widely and arms spread out. "I like rainbows and sunshine, woodland creatures and my classmates! I can't say I dislike anyone… I mean, one of my dreams is to help make the world a happier place, and I can't do that if I don't like someone, y'know? I always look on the positive side; you can't keep me down forever! My ultimate dream, nay my ambition, is to drag Itachi back to the village and shower him with love and happy hugs of affection."
At Sasuke's completely serious beaming face, the gathered potential team collectively shivered. This… Oh kami what happened to Sasuke to make him like this?! Even Naruto and Sakura, who had associated with Sasuke for years in the Academy did not look too comfortable being put on a team with him. Sakura had long ago lost any affection she had for the cutey in the face of his overbearing personality, and Naruto had abandoned whatever rivalry they had because of Sasuke's 'crusades of happiness'. Why had Kami forsaken them?!
"Um… Uh… Th-That's nice, Sasuke-kun… B-But could you answer one thing for me, though? Why are you so damn happy all the time?" She looked almost too afraid to ask, but she just had to know.
"Happy little white pills, Sakura," Sasuke answered like it was the simplest thing in the world. Which it was. "I take what is considered an overdose for anyone else, every day, and then I forget all about what I was like before the pills. Obviously I was very sick, or the Hokage wouldn't have let me take so much medication."
Sakura sweatdropped at Sasuke's decisive nod and immediately regretted asking. But, since they were on the topic…
"What are you like without those, er… 'pills'…"
"I wouldn't know, bitch; I very rarely miss taking my meds!" Sasuke clamped a hand over his mouth and apologized profusely. "Whoops! Obviously I didn't take enough pills today. I will rectify this posthaste."
With that, Sasuke took out a bottle from his hip pouch, and popped a few little white pills into his mouth like it was the most normal thing in the world. Everybody – everybody – just stared.
'Hmm. I wonder if Lord Hokage will let me take Naruto and Sakura, and just return Sasuke to the Academy… Yeah… That sounds like a plan. Me and Rin functioned just fine without Obito after he died, after all.' Kakashi nodded decisively and had them move along. The sooner Sasuke was out of their hair, the better.
Later, on their first not-an-actual C-Rank mission, there had been some slight concerns at the first sign of trouble.
"N-Naruto! Are you okay?!" Sasuke asked with wide, panicked eyes. The blond had just stabbed his hand with a poisoned kunai, and he did not look too happy.
"No, bastard; I just remembered that the damn fox will heal just about any injury, so trying to commit suicide is kinda pointless…"
"Why are you still here?! You escorted grandpa home, so you can leave! If you stay you're just gonna die."
Sasuke wagged his pointer finger at the grandson of their client.
"Think positive, Inari! Gato might have influence, but we're more powerful! After all, one look at me and he'll be running for the hills. That's what that one guy he hired, Zabuza, did, and I'm just a Genin! He was Jonin-level at least!"
Kakashi hummed noncommittally at this. In theory, that is what Zabuza did… But it wasn't so much out of fear. Kakashi wasn't really sure, but he swore that he heard Zabuza muttering under his breath how he wasn't going to risk getting Sasuke's blood on the Executioner's Blade and contracting whatever the hell Sasuke had that made him dress like a hippy. Kakashi couldn't have agreed more, honestly; hippies were not to be trifled with.
A pity that Sarutobi hadn't allowed him to send the brat back to the Academy.
And then the Chunin Exams finally arrived…
"… One more thing, don't die!"
Sasuke nodded sagely at the 'slightly' unbalanced Proctor's warning as they were about to enter the Forest of Death. He turned to look at Naruto and Sakura, who had varying degrees of trepidation etched on their faces at entering such a supposedly dangerous place. … Okay, Sakura looked bothered by the Exam; Naruto just looked determined as always.
"M-Maybe it's not such a good idea to take these exams after all…" Sakura squeaked, edging away from their gate slightly. "I'd hate to be trapped in a deadly forest with Sasuke for three days."
Sasuke placed what he thought was a comforting hand on Sakura's shoulder, but actually didn't do any such thing. At all.
"Relax, Sakura, the Proctor wouldn't send us into something we couldn't handle. It's not like there'll be some creepy pedophile stalking us that we'll totally be unprepared for!"
Sakura smiled wryly. Knowing their track record… But then Naruto spoke up and actually cheered her up a little.
"Eh, it'll be fine, Sakura-chan! If we run into a bear or whatever, I'm sure we can sacrifice Sasuke and get away! Maybe the bastard'll give the bear indigestion, but it would be in self-defense, y'know?"
Sasuke narrowed his eyes reprovingly at Naruto, but Sakura grinned and nodded at Naruto's suggestion.
"You're right! I'm probably worrying over nothing."
Even though Sasuke was forced to be perpetually happy and optimistic thanks to those happy little white pills, sometimes Sasuke was reminded that his team sucked… After all, if he was the meat shield all the time, how was he supposed to eventually fulfill his dream of bringing Itachi back to the village?
Meanwhile, a certain Snake Sannin was reconsidering his plans to acquire the Sharingan and invade the Hidden Leaf… After all, did he really need eyes that obviously induced insanity? Taking possession of young Sasuke-kun's body was completely out of the question, too, since he didn't want to contract… whatever it is that hippies have that make them crazy. They were shinobi, for crying out loud! Shinobi arts called for gratuitous amounts of violence, not happy, lovey crap.
So no, Orochimaru would need to rethink his plans to destroy the Leaf. Not only did he want to personally avoid being anywhere near Sasuke Uchiha, but he didn't want his beloved minions to contract hippy-itis either. He did not need a damn village of hippies. Gullible little children that hinged onto his every word, but permanently happy hippies… no.
Author's Note: Honestly, I'm not a hundred percent sure where this came from. I know the original idea was inspired by the fanfic Naruto's Quirks – which I totally recommend you check out – but it's not completely like that fic, either. I basically took Sasuke's revenge quirk… and I took it away from him. Which did not end well, but you get the point.
I do know where I got the bit with Sasuke and his counselor from, however... Can you guess where? :D
Maybe I'll continue this with different people and quirks; that's entirely up to you guys. The point of it would be to overexaggerate those quirks and then take them away, like I did with Sasuke here. This is crack; I did it for fun and don't regret it one bit. Sasuke is just too fun to pick on. XD
Oh, and I'm alive, by the way. Just up to my elbows in schoolwork. So there's that, too. Haha. ^^;