The Laments of a Black Wizard
Written by the Drunkard Mage
Giving props to the fine people at Square for making the
wonderful Final Fantasy video game series the best way I know how – by many
many MANY dumb jokes! Squaresoft owns
the characters, and I am just bastardizing them beyond recognition.
It's a full year since we defeated Chaos. Finally the world is returning to
normal. Jesus, it's about motherfuckin'
time. One bad thing that I am noticing
is that I'm not quite adjusting well to the transition from throwing offensive
elemental magic at monsters, every day wondering if I will survive to another
morning, to a normal life working in data entry. To think, being a Black Mage – FUYU, in the legendary Warriors of
Light, I had a great life! Sure, in
some ways we were unappreciated in our efforts; we had to pay for all of our
magic and weapons (except the ones we found), and had to pay people to be
revived and healed… And honestly, I was
expecting Princess Sara to get with us, or at least she could have given us a
"thank you" hummer or a kiss or flashed us or something, but no, she gave us a
stoopid LUTE. Fuckin' ingrate.
But I digress; life seems much more boring now. I'm no longer traveling all over the
world. I no longer fight Fiends of the
Elements, like that KARY woman… She had
a nice rack. Damn, it's a good thing I
was wearing these robes – I had wood that entire battle! No more shacking up with little towns girls
in the inn… Well, I admit we had little
time to do much in the terms of sex when we slept in inns, but I made those
seconds count many times, let me tell you!
No more going to the Sea Shrine talking to all the topless
mermaids. Shit, if ya get over that the
mermaids had fish tails, those chicks were fuckin' STACKED! Again, I'm glad I was wearing robes. I hear they followed my advice and opened up
a strip bar. Damn, I'd sink every last
gil in that place!
I didn't even get any modes of transportation I can
use. The thief, CAM, hotwired the
AIRSHIP and flew it away, and NATE, the fighter, decided to take the SHIP and
start his own pirate group. I got stuck
with the CANOE… THE CANOE!!! I LIVE IN MELMOND, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!! Shit, I got the short end of the stick. Even the White Mage, AL, got a good gig as a
bishop somewhere. I can't brink myself
to tell anyone of what he did during our adventures… That he would wander around Pravoka with the lower part of his
robes open after a long night of drinking indiscriminately offering people the
chance to hold what he liked to call "THOR'S HAMMER," telling them if the
rubbed it hard enough, CUM2 would be cast.
He really was a sick, twisted guy for someone who cast curative and
defensive magics… From what I heard, a
frightening number of people actually took him up on the offer.
And that leaves me.
I work in Melmond, processing freight bills. Most of the money I earned in my adventures was spent feeding
AL's insatiable appetite for hookers, crank, and malt liquor. So now I am sitting here. I still wear my robes, sometimes I wear my
hat, and my eyes still glow. Now I
trudge along in this shitty 8 gil an hour job barely keeping myself from being
homeless. Sometimes if I am stressed
out too much, I cast FIR2 on some statements for the import/export company CAM
owns now using the AIRSHIP the motherfucker stole. I really don't know what else to do anymore. Maybe I'll open up Sky Castle or the Temple
of Fiends as a tourist attraction. Then
I can be a tour guide, since I know where everything is and I can recount some
of my stories…
Or maybe I should just pound another 40 and look for some
tail. Yeah, it's about time I got laid!
The End.
