It was so easy to love him. It would be so easy to give in. Too easy. When he was like this. All still, features relaxed...fast asleep in his perfection. He hadn't seen Blaine's sleeping face for such a long time and Kurt let himself stare. Who would know?

Rachel wasn't there to catch him in the act, staring at his sleeping ex like some creeper and his dad was asleep too, on the couch. The couch that was meant for Blaine. Blaine who was now sleeping on his bed. This wasn't the way it was supposed to go. But after Burt fell asleep on the couch he hadn't had the heart to wake him and he hadn't noticed Blaine drifting off until it was too late. Kurt had been reading Vogue in the chair and Blaine had been on the bed reading a book and before he knew it hours had passed and he was the only one awake. He looked at the clock on the wall, it was 3:15 am...on Christmas Eve, but he didn't feel tired.

A part of him wondered if Blaine had done it on purpose? Why hadn't he chosen Rachel's bed? Why his? But somehow he knew it had been an accident, Blaine had not planned on falling asleep on Kurt's bed and he hadn't planned on looking absolutely beautiful while doing so either, it wasn't Blaine's style to be sneaky or manipulative. But more importantly, why was Kurt now contemplating not choosing Rachel's bed either? He looked over at the dark corner that was Rachel's side of the apartment, at her bed. Cold, empty. Then back at his own bed. Warm and...not empty. He knew exactly which one was more tempting to him and he didn't like it one bit or maybe the problem was that he liked it a little too much?

He sat down on the foot of the bed, quietly as a mouse and very carefully picked up the book that had fallen from Blaine's hands and was now resting on his chest. What had he been reading? Oh... A walk to Remember by Nicholas Sparks. Kurt hadn't read the book but he'd seen the movie, with Blaine actually. He remembered Blaine had cried at the end. They had both cried. It was such a sad story.

Why would he be reading that at Christmas?

Then he remembered the story was about a guy who lost the love of his life. Something in his heart ached. He knew why Blaine was reading it. He knew. Because he knew Blaine.

The love was still there. He still felt it from Blaine and for Blaine. He was well aware of how Blaine looked at him, just a little too long, stealing glances when he thought Kurt didn't notice. He noticed. He had been hyper aware of every movement Blaine had made since he arrived. Unlike in the beginning of their weird friendship that was always a little bit more than that, where he hadn't been able to read him, now he could. Because now he really knew him. Intimately. He knew what all of his expressions meant, what he would say in almost every situation, how he would say it.

He knew that Blaine had been very nervous at the ice skating rink. Anxious even. To see him. He had been just a tad more hyper than usual, talked a bit too fast. Probably afraid of rejection. But the honest truth was that the thought of sending Blaine back to Lima had not even crossed Kurt's mind for a second. What he felt when he saw him was not anger or the hurt like the last time they had been face to face and it was more than surprise. It was...happiness.

Isabelle had been more right than he could ever imagine. Forgiving felt...good. He had felt instantly lighter after the phone call at Thanksgiving. Like a big burden had been lifted from his shoulders. He was so glad he'd taken her advice and grateful to her that she had given it to him, that she had known what he needed when he himself didn't. He had the greatest boss. If he hadn't listened to her he could and would probably have been bitter about what happened forever. Not that he wasn't still hurt. The hurt was there in his heart trapped together with the love for this man he couldn't shake, even after everything, they were fighting for dominance and right now the love was winning.

Blaine shifted in his sleep. He lifted his right arm above his head which pulled his shirt up, just a tiny bit revealing his stomach and abs. Kurt stared, he couldn't help it. He stared at the tanned skin, at the dark hair...followed the trail down...down...down. To where it disappeared into the rim of his underwear barely showing at the top of his tight pants. He always wore those tight pants that shaped his ass just right. Kurt swallowed hard. He wanted to touch him so badly. His hand reached out like it had a mind of it's own. He stroked Blaine's skin lightly, he knew it wouldn't wake him, because Blaine was a sound sleeper. And he was right, Blaine didn't even stir. Kurt felt the heat from the skin against his fingers. It reminded him of the first time and he suddenly had to pull away and turn his back to the bed in order to control himself, the urge was so strong. He wanted to curl up next to him, put his arms around him, breathe in his raspberry scent...

Stop it! God! What is wrong with me?!

Kurt stood up horrified and started pacing, his thoughts screaming at him.

Like it isn't bad enough that you were staring at him sleep, now you are touching him too?! While he's sleeping, without him knowing!? So inappropriate and you know it.

Blaine would like it, Kurt knew he would.

That is so not the point!

Actually Kurt knew exactly what Blaine liked, how he liked it...

Shut up! Shut up! Shut the fuck up!

He continued pacing, trying to ignore the growing want in his body but it wasn't working and he was getting hard, he looked down at his pants. Oh no.

You had to touch him, you just had to to put your fingers on him! Now what are you gonna do?!

He did a facepalm. Tried to will his boner to go down, but it refused. It had been so long since the last time Kurt had been intimate with anyone, even himself. There hadn't been anyone but Blaine and their last time had been in Lima, before he left. That was months ago and it was hard to find the privacy to do the task alone in an apartment with no walls that he shared with someone else. He had gotten himself off a few times when Rachel hadn't been home, but that wasn't often. And now he had his smoking hot ex-boyfriend who he still loved and who he was still very much turned on by, sleeping in his bed. It was all just too much to handle. He had needs. Needs that hadn't been fulfilled in ages and they were begging to be satisfied. Maybe if he just...

No! You are not jerking off to the sight of your sleeping ex...with your own father only 5 feet away. What are you thinking!? Have you lost your mind!?

Kurt knew he wasn't thinking with his brain, he was thinking with a very different head.

Get it together. Think of something that really turns you off. You can do this.

He somehow managed to pull the image of Burt doing the Single Ladies dance out from his memory and kept replaying it over and over which seemed to do the trick. Thankful he took a deep breath and sighed.

Close call.

He could hear Burt snore on the couch. Blaine didn't snore. Not even when he was drunk. He didn't drool either. Blaine did everything to perfection, even sleep. Damn it, why did he have to be so fucking perfect? Without even trying!? It wasn't fair. It was then he heard a voice coming from the bed.

"Krt."

It was muffled. But it had sounded like his name. His head snapped in the direction of the bed instantly and then he remembered. Maybe Blaine didn't snore or drool in his sleep, but he did do one thing...talk. Kurt had used to tease him about it.

He knew he shouldn't do it. He knew what he should do was go to Rachel's bed, crawl under the covers and go to sleep. But instead he sneaked closer to Blaine, intrigued. He'd always been fascinated by people who talked in their sleep, Blaine most of all. It was like a direct link to his subconscious mind, some nights when they had shared a bed together he would lie awake and wait for Blaine to go to sleep just so he could hear him say his name. And he did, often. Kurt liked the idea that Blaine was dreaming about him and it hadn't felt creepy to listen in on his dreams when they were a couple. Now it did, but he ignored it.

Kurt sat on the bed again, this time next to him. Blaine stirred slighty and turned his head in his direction. Kurt let himself look. Really look. It felt wrong and yet at the same time right. He stared at Blaine's long eyelashes, his perfectly shaped mouth and knew exactly how it would look smiling. Blaine smiled a lot. Like really, a lot. More than most people. That was one of the reasons Kurt had been so attracted to him in the first place. Blaine had...like...a beam of light inside of him, maybe it was actually his aura shining through from within, lighting him up like a Christmas tree. Kurt had read somewhere that certain people had a very strong aura around them, that those people were extremely charismatic and that description seemed to fit Blaine to a T. His charisma had sucked him in from day one, together with his kindness. Those two qualities had tag-teamed Kurt's heart hard. And together with Blaine's insanely good looks they were the triple threat. He never stood a chance. He knew that now.

"Kurt", Blaine spoke again, this time clearer.

It was definitely his name. Kurt's stomach did a flip and he leaned in closer.

"Blaine", he whispered.

"Kurt...Krt...", the answer came right away and Blaine's hand moved on the bed. Just a few more inches towards where Kurt was sitting, palm up like it was searching. Kurt bit his lower lip, then very carefully placed his own hand on top of Blaine's, palm to palm. Instantly Blaine squeezed it and Kurt returned the squeeze, again very lightly so he wouldn't wake him.

"Kurt...love you...", Blaine's voice was very faint as he turned his whole body in the direction of Kurt, like he could sense him there. The words gave Kurt butterflies and he knew it was wrong, so very wrong. All if it. That he was sitting here right now doing this. That they weren't together. What Blaine had done to him. What he had done to Blaine, what both of them had done to this relationship. Because if he had to be honest, he shared a part of the blame for what had happened.

Blaine had shared his concerns with him even before graduation about long-distance relationships. He had wanted to have the hard conversation, because he had been afraid, it had been in his eyes, maybe because he knew deep down that he couldn't do it and Kurt had just brushed it off, tried to reassure him that everything was going to be fine with some cute reference to The Notebook, that when he came to think of it, Blaine didn't even smile at.

"So...we are gonna be alright?"

"Yes, we are gonna be alright. I told you, I am never saying goodbye to you."

How wrong they had been, about everything. And it probably hadn't been the conversation Blaine had wanted to have, he realized that now. He also realized that Blaine had had a valid point. Kurt had put his work ahead of his relationship at it's most critical stage without even realizing it at the time. Suddenly all the little things he should have paid closer attention to and all the warning signs became clear.

"I am not really good at romance. I don't wanna screw this up."

"I can't stand to be apart from the person I love."

"In a few months, you're going to be gone. With this brand new life, and this brand new friends, this brand new everything, and I'm going to be right here, by myself."

"You're right, I have been distant, and I'm sorry. But I'm just, trying to practice what life is going to be like without you. You are the love of my life Kurt, and I am pissed off, that I have to learn that next year, what being alone is going to be like."

"This is happening right now, Kurt. It's not some far thing in the future, you are graduating, I'm not. You know how hard long-distance relationships can be."

"I really miss you. A lot, okay. I miss talking to you and I miss hugging you and I miss messing around with you."

"What am I supposed to do until then? Just hold my breath?"

All the screened calls, all the phone dates he didn't keep, all the distracted Skype conversations.

"I needed you and you weren't there. And I was lonely."

Blaine was right, he had been trying to tell him in his own way that he was struggling, that this was serious, but Kurt had been too pre-occupied with his new life in New York to pick up on it. Not that it gave Blaine the right to do what he did, but it did explain what could have pushed him to do something that was so completely out of character. Because Kurt knew Blaine. And up until that awful talk at the park that night, he would have bet his life on the fact that Blaine would never ever cheat. It just didn't go with everything he knew about him. It was all such a mess and he came to the same conclusion as moments before. It...was...all...wrong. And he didn't know how to fix it. Because he couldn't just take him back. It wasn't that simple, because they were still in two different cities and they now knew that they couldn't do the long-distance thing, so nothing would change, it would only happen again and if it did, Kurt wasn't sure he could survive it. Going through it once was enough. So even if he wanted to get back together with Blaine, he couldn't. And he did. He wanted it...badly. But he couldn't let Blaine know that. All they could be for now and maybe forever...was friends. Just friends.

He tried to imagine a future with Blaine as a friend and both of them together with others, but he couldn't really picture it. He couldn't imagine not being in love with Blaine. And he didn't like the thought of Blaine not being in love with him either.

You have to at least try to move on. You owe it to yourself.

Kurt knew his inner voice was right.

He yawned and decided to go to bed...in Rachel's bed. So he let go of Blaine's hand and stood when he noticed that Blaine who had otherwise been sleeping quietly for a while seemed distressed. He started moving around and his face became tense.

"I'm sorry", Blaine whimpered in his sleep. "Kurt...don't go. Don't leave me." He turned on his side and hugged the pillow like he was holding on to someone in his dream. He was having a nightmare. Out of habit Kurt was by his side immediately, stroking his hair gently.

"It's okay", he whispered. "Shhh, it's okay. I'm here."

Kurt then laid down next to him on the bed and nuzzled closer to Blaine before he realized what he was doing and by then it was too late. Blaine threw his arm around him and snuggled into his neck. Kurt held his breath and panicked.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

If he tried to leave now, Blaine would surely wake and that would raise a lot of questions Kurt didn't want to answer. If he stayed, Blaine would still wake and find them cuddled up together so staying put didn't solve anything. Maybe if he just...

Kurt very slowly turned on his side and started crawling out to the edge of the bed with Blaine clinging to him, without waking him. He then pulled Blaine's arm gently down around himself until they were spooned up. Now when Blaine woke up he would probably assume that Kurt had gone to sleep on his side of the bed and that it was he who had moved closer during the night and placed himself like that. He had to admit, it felt good to be back in Blaine's arms and he only felt a little bit guilty for how they ended up like that.

He could feel Blaine's breath on his skin, right beneath his ear. He was calm again, his breathing had evened out, his nightmare gone, it seemed. And he smelled so nice. Just like he remembered, a mix of his cologne and raspberry hair gel.

"Kurt...love...", Blaine sighed in his ear and Kurt's emotions exploded in a cascade of rainbows and lollipops that threatened to make his heart burst right out of his chest and Kurt knew he was screwed, that he would probably never stop loving Blaine and right in that moment he was okay with that.

He also knew that there was likely to come a time where he wasn't okay with it, anymore. That someday...loving Blaine but not being with Blaine would just be too hard. That finding someone else to take Blaine's place would probably be his only solution to getting over him.

And he would try to move on, he really would. But not tonight.