The sun was rising and again he had not slept. He sat on the windowsill, pajama clad legs pulled up to his clothed chest. His tired, amber eyes watched the sun rising slowly over the grounds, eliminating the darkness with its rays. He slowly took a deep breath and sighed. His stomach growled with hunger, but he ignored it. It was too painful to sleep anymore, too much of a chore to eat much. It had been this way for a couple of weeks.
In the past four years, he had been as he never was before. He was happy.
He had friends for the first time in his life, and they didn't care that he escaped to a shack every month, to turn into that monster that haunted him. And wanted to become animagi just to keep him company on the nights when the moon was full. They simply smiled when they figured out his curse in their second year and that they were being lied too. He wasn't a very good fibber. They all carried on, making trouble and having fun while they were at it. Laughing at jokes and teasing each other about the teachers who told them off. It was the only time when he had been accepted by people his age. They didn't run away like he thought they'd do. Even the idea made him smile in pure joy.
But when he hit the age of fifteen, the wolf side of him began fighting for some sort of control. He began to notice, feeling for one of his best friends. He became more cheerful when Sirius Black was around. Became more attentive when Sirius spoke. Laughed more fully at his jokes. And became nervous when Sirius was talking to him.
Sirius was smart, funny and a gem to look at. Long locks of ebony hair hung slightly below his trim shoulders and a few stray bangs framed his flawless face. But to make him all the more perfect, if possible, he had midnight blue eyes, which would best been described as hot coals because when you looked at them, you could melt right where you stood. His faultless figure attracted many admirers, both female and male, though Sirius shuddered at the mere thought of the latter. And unfortunately, Remus John Lupin was one of them. However, with many fans, comes many a rival. And regrettably, Remus thought he was no match. He was small, and slim, and very quiet. His light brown hair wavered to his ears. He gave the impression of great calmness except his eyes. True the amber orbs expressed worry, and rejection. Most of that look that haunted him vanished when he was with his three friends; Peter Pettigrew, James Potter and of course Sirius Black.
Remus had thought that since his friends had accepted his transformation into that horrible werewolf, that him being homosexual wouldn't trouble them at all. He had figured it out the summer of their fifth year at Hogwarts, when they had all gone to James' house for a week. They all stayed up late, and dared each other to do stupid things. One of Sirius' dares, by James, of course, was that the next day Sirius had to walk around in nothing but VERY tight and extremely short shorts. Sirius had just shrugged and agreed. But the next day was nothing but torture for Remus. He had never seen that much of Sirius' skin ever, and wished he could see the rest. Remus shook his head of such images and cursed himself for being stupid. But it didn't stop. Every time Sirius spoke to Remus he couldn't say anything. Remus' throat had tightened so he simply nodded or shook his head. Sirius had long slim, and obviously waxed, legs. James said he looked like a cheerleading and earned a whack from Sirius in return. Peter just laughed and glanced his watery eyes at Remus, who said nothing.
So many images of nothing but Sirius. He knew it then that he fancied Sirius Black. And he knew then, that he could never have him. Nevertheless, Remus' stomach churned and fluttered when he saw his friend. He became light headed and a bit woozy. The day they had returned to Hogwarts, Remus had put together the symptoms and resulted in one word 'love', not the word he had expected, 'lust'. He cared for Sirius more than anyone, and wanted to worry about him. Of course also on the first night back, Severus Snape, a fifth year Slytherin, had started a fight with Sirius. This fight didn't involve magic but fists. Severus came off with a black eye, bloody nose, fifteen points from Slytherin and detention. Sirius was a similar case, a bloody lip and cut cheek, fifteen points from Gryffindor, and detention. Remus' heart ached when he thought of Sirius hurt, but he would love caring for him when he was, oh how he was jealous of Madam Pomfrey that night.
But as the sun continued to rise and other students began to stir, he remained curled in a ball, shivering. He had lost all hope, all faith. He could never again face his three classmates, having not the right to call them friends anymore. He could never look those into those blue eyes again, because now when they spotted him, Sirius either turned away, or glared coldly at him. He looked around and saw everyone still asleep. His eyes saddened with longing. He hated the loneliness. He hated rejection, and that's all he'd ever get in life. So why live it? Because the Sorting Hat put him in Gryffindor, that's why. Gryffindors were brave and strong, and ending life would be cheating and very yellow indeed. Remus never cheated and he wasn't a wimp. He looked out the window once more and stared, eyes unfocused. He didn't cry when Sirius yelled at him, he didn't cry when he got hit. Nor did he cry when his body began to act up, causing severe pain, or when he was ignored. No, only on the night of a full moon did he ever cry, and he cried hard that night.