Disclaimer: I own nothing but the words on the page.
A/N: Hello! Hope you guys will enjoy this story. I had this idea for a while and thought it would be nice to write it down. Let me know what you guys thought and have fun reading it! Until next time - Krystal
Another Path to the Stars
James Tiberius Kirk was an irresponsible, childish, and the most infuriating piece of shit to have ever existed; according to Frank. Jim thought that title suited him fine. Now, at the age of twenty-five, he was still the same person as he was when he was deemed as such. Not that Jim complained or anything, it was really who he was so he didn't see any reason not to agree with it.
What was there to change about himself? It wasn't like he wanted to change.
He laid on his couch, eyes trained on his PADD, cheeks rested against the arm of it, reading through the theory of transwarp beaming written by Lieutenant Commander Montgomery Scott. It was a fascinating read and Jim concurred that he would be honoured to meet him one day. He had many questions to ask about this theory and wondered briefly if Scott has found an answer to his debacles.
Jim sighed under his breath, exiting out of the paper when he saw the tablet news icon blinking at him. Deciding to read that, Jim let his eyes scan the article before he shot himself upwards to sit down on the couch, eyes wide.
U.S.S ENTERPRISE TO DOCK 1 MONTH FOR PREPARATIONS OF FIVE-YEAR MISSION!
"No way," he breathed out, a childish glee wormed into his heart. The more he read the article, the more excited he became at the prospect of having to finally try and meet the crew of U.S.S Enterprise. He felt a wash of regret now that he was older, looking at the ship from a tablet.
If he had gone to Starfleet Academy like how everyone thought he would, he could have been there, the Captain of the ship and having that wonderful crew. But here he was, at his apartment with a decent but not-overly exciting job as a mechanic.
It wasn't as if he regretted completely his decision. He hadn't wanted to join Starfleet because he didn't want to be burdened by the expectations his father had left for him by accident. He still stood by this decision for that reason until this day. But at the same time, he wondered how different his life could have been if he did ended up in Starfleet.
Maybe he would have made his own history and left his father's shadows for good.
He tossed the PADD to the side and once more plopped against the couch, letting his body sprawl in an undignified manner. There was no point of him trying to think about it now. As much as he was a fan of U.S.S Enterprise's achievements and crew, he didn't want to step in Starfleet's shoes.
When Jim had learned that Starfleet had sent U.S.S Enterprise on their first mission, Jim hadn't thought much about it. There was always some new spaceship being launched in space and Jim didn't think this was any different. But then the Nero attack happened and Jim suddenly started to notice them, started to notice the ship. He started to have something he was interested in and before he knew it, he was following their every move through the news and rumours.
Jim became obsessed with U.S.S Enterprise and its crew and the more he read about them, the more interested he became. In a better term—he became a fan of U.S.S Enterprise and its crew. One night, he just caught himself thinking what would it be like if he could meet them in person and realised he admired them for being so strong and different from the other crew and spaceships Starfleet had.
He bit his bottom lip before his eyes dragged back on the PADD. He grabbed it again and swished through other articles until he found the only article that almost made him cry.
VULCAN DESTROYED IN AN ATTACK!
Right below the title was the picture of Commander Spock, stoic and cold. Jim had felt his heart constricting as he read through the article and when they declared that Amanda—Spock's mother—didn't make it, Jim had felt his eyes tearing up. He had always admired Commander Spock. For a Vulcan, he seemed nothing like one. He was his own enigma and albeit the fact Jim had never met him in person, he wished sometimes if he could.
It felt like if they met, they could immediately be friends.
Jim sighed once more, letting the PADD fall flat on his chest.
"Maybe I'll meet him during this one month," Jim said and then quickly felt his face flush at that thought. He didn't know what he would do if he did meet Spock in person. He would probably lose all cool because boy, did Jim admire him. The papers Spock wrote about his achievements and him programming the unbeatable Kobayashi Maru, Jim was fascinated with him.
And those expressive eyes—Jim bit his bottom lip thinking about them. He wondered if it was true Vulcans didn't feel. Would Spock's emotions would be easily read through his eyes? The blond groaned under his breath when he felt his face heating up even more. Like an idiot, his heartbeat accelerated.
"Stop this childish crush, Jim," Jim said to himself, frowning.
It wasn't like Spock would ever consider him. He was a Human and he was illogical to a Vulcan. More so because he was Jim Kirk—a playboy, childish, typical blond idiot even though his IQ level was off the charts. Jim sat up and ran his fingers through his hair, his stomach grumbling.
Tossing the PADD on the couch, he stumbled into his small kitchen and opened the refrigerator. Jim frowned when he realised he didn't have anything edible in it. He pulled out what seemed like an expired carton of milk and sniffed it, recoiling at the sour smell.
"Right," Jim muttered, ashamed of himself for not restocking his groceries. "Trip to the store then."
With a huff of breath, he slammed the fridge door closed and tossed the carton of milk into the trashcan. Checking for cereal just in case and realised he had no cereal as well, he grabbed his wallet and jacket, heading out of his apartment. Closing the door shut, Jim jogged away from there and headed to the elevator.
Jim wandered around the store with his basket before he stopped at the cereal aisle. Grinning, he walked inside and scanned for something new to try. He stopped at corn flakes and made a face at it, picking the box up to look. It looked bland and nothing that Jim would be interested in. Putting the box back, he found boxes of Fruit Loops.
"Bingo," he said. Placing at least two boxes of it into his basket, he decided to grab some milk.
He quickly found the milk cartons and decided on some chocolate milk instead before dumping it into the basket as well. Maybe he would grab some jam too—and then he would go home. He snickered when he looked at the items in the basket.
Cereal was his dinner.
No problem, it would save his money. It wasn't as if he had much money to spend on more groceries anyway. He would restock his kitchen properly when he got paid at the end of this month. With that thought, he decided to wander around the grocery store a bit more, just to see what new products were being sold.
Jim hummed under his breath as he continued on his survey, amused and perplexed at some of the things he found. When he stumbled upon a can of something called a Plomeek soup, Jim just stared. What the hell was Plomeek soup? He knew it was something Vulcan, but he had no idea in general what it was.
He debated for a second if he should try it or not before he shrugged and tossed it into his basket. It wouldn't hurt to try at least one new dish, would it? He turned around to leave before he slammed against someone, stumbling back and almost falling flat on his back if not for the vice grip around his right arm.
"What the," he breathed out, tensing as he let the shock wash off. Then, he looked at the hand that was gripping his arm and at who the hand belonged to.
"Are you alright?" the man said, blinking his wide eyes, eyebrows furrowed. Jim's heart stopped beating for a second as he stared at the man—at—
"Spock," Jim breathed out, stunned. The half-Vulcan tilted his head to the side before he pulled his hand away, frowning at Jim.
"Are you alright?" Spock asked.
"I'm…fine," Jim said, starstruck. He couldn't help but to stare at the man in front of him, filled with this emotion in his chest that made him hard to breathe. His heartbeat rocketed and his palms started to sweat, his mind blanked the minute Spock took a closer step towards him. His breath hitched when the Vulcan leaned down for a bit to stare at him.
"Your pupils have dilated," Spock said and then pulled away, taking a huge step back, causing Jim to flinch when he realised where the hell he was. "Are you absolutely sure you are not hurt?"
"W—what," Jim said, licking his dry lips, eyes never leaving Spock's face before the words registered in his mind. His face reddened and he broke eye contact to look at a point above Spock's shoulder. "Yeah! Yeah, fine, totally," he said, flinching internally at how high-strung he sounded.
Fuck, Spock looked confused. One glance at those eyes, Jim could conclude with ease that Spock did show his emotions easily in his eyes and his heartbeat sped up once more.
This is Spock. Spock is standing in front of me! Spock! Out of all people—Spock! Jim, don't be a fucking dork—say something! This is your chance to get his autograph or something! Jim!
Fuckfuckfuckfuckthisissoembarassing—
"If you say so," Spock said, his voice calm. God, even his voice was so nice to hear. Jim cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. "I shall take my leave then."
Jim jolted at the dismiss and he watched the First Officer of U.S.S Enterprise walking away from him. No, Spock was moving away! But Jim hadn't even gotten to say anything to him yet! There was this tug in his chest that made him move and later he would question himself just what the fuck he thought he was doing—but he had moved and he had touched Spock's shoulder.
The half-Vulcan tensed, turning around to look at him, eyes narrowed. Jim dropped his hand and continued to look at him before he subtly took in a deep breath.
"Is there something you need of me?" Spock asked, his voice curt. Jim felt nervousness thrumming through his veins as he tried to gather his thoughts. How could he explain to Spock that he was his fan and he wanted an autograph? He noticed Spock was looking perplexed at him the longer he was silent and panic started to wail in his head. He needed Spock to stay for a bit until he could say something.
The only thing Jim could do to hide his nervousness was to grin widely, showing off his signature charming smile that had made guys and girls equally swoon. He hoped this would make him look friendly but Spock just stared at him blankly, his eyebrows furrowed. A look of irritation started to make way in those eyes and Jim's nervousness increased at the look.
"Ah, nothing but," Jim said, the self-confidence he had started to deflate a bit when Spock narrowed his eyes. Before he could say anything else, the half-Vulcan had taken a step backwards, his shoulders squared and his back straightened. Jim blinked at the sudden change of demeanour, the air became tense, unpleasantly.
Had…Jim said something wrong?
"I am not interested," Spock said, his voice flat. "Do not bother me again."
Jim frowned. "What?" Jim asked. "What do you mean—Hey!"
Spock turned around and marched away while Jim was left spluttering after him. What the hell was that? Jim frowned confused and watched Spock's retreating back. Jim sighed as he followed the Vulcan, jogging right next to him to try and keep pace while Spock continued to stride towards the exit. Jim noticed that he didn't even get anything. Hastily, Jim dumped his basket at the exit and followed Spock, trying to halt him.
"Hey! What does that supposed to mean?" he asked as he panted, grabbing hold of Spock's elbow, which was immediately snatched away with so much force that Jim stumbled back a bit.
"Do not touch me," Spock said, his voice tight. When their eyes met, Jim recoiled at the irritation.
"I'm…sorry," Jim said, even though he was even more confused than before. "But what did you mean back there?"
"I meant what I said," Spock said, stiff. "Do not try and engage in a conversation with me. I will not hesitate to report you to the authorities for harassment."
"Haras—" Jim spluttered, shocked. "I wasn't harassing you!"
"You are interested to have physical relations with me, did you not?" Spock asked, blunt. Jim was stunned at how blunt it was as he stared at Spock, his mind processing the question before he blinked, wondering just where Spock saw that in him. It made him feel amused just a little bit but he was still very much confused.
He didn't even flirt with Spock—why would Spock come up with that conclusion? Jim refused the urge to look at what he was wearing. Did he look like a pervert or something? He tilted his head to the side a bit, feeling defensiveness crawling into his mind.
"Well, you are good looking, Spock," Jim teased. He quickly realised that was the wrong thing to do when Spock took another step backwards. Damn it, his stupid trying-to-be-funny-and-flirtatious-as-a-defense-mechanism was not needed right now!
"As you see, I do not wish to engage in any physical relations with you," Spock said and Jim was in awe for a bit at how much disgust he could project in his words without changing his facial expression. "Stay away from me."
With that said, Spock turned around and walked away, leaving Jim staring at his retreating back. Wait—Jim wasn't—
He really wasn't even thinking anything remotely to that nature! Jim felt irritated and strangely angry at Spock for even saying that. Jim knew if it was anyone else, he wouldn't have taken it to heart but this was Spock! He didn't even say anything to warrant that first impression!
"What a dick!" Jim said. He looked up to that Vulcan! He had just wanted to make conversation with him, possibly engage him in a conversation about his thoughts on the theory he read a few hours ago. He had no intention on sleeping with Spock. Jim was his biggest fan and that—
"Oh yeah?" Jim said, hollering after him. "Not like I wanted to sleep with someone with pointed-ears either!"
Jim grumbled to himself and his bad luck, cheeks flushed in embarrassment when he realised some of the people had stopped to stare at his outburst. He rolled his eyes and stormed back to the grocery store to finish up his shopping.
While walking back home, replaying what had happened, Jim's anger from Spock's accusation melted at the back of his mind as he sighed loudly.
"Shit, the pointed-ears did look cute though," he said. But he didn't want to sleep with Spock for God's sakes. He had a case of hero-worship at worst. It wasn't like he wanted Spock in any way, shape or form, other than a conversation and maybe an autograph.
Great, now Jim had looked like a sex predator and an idiot in front of his idol. An idol who jumped into conclusions easily and pissed Jim off.
Confused at his own feelings, he sped up his walk home. He needed his cereal badly.
Jim yawned as he walked out of his apartment, closing the door shut behind him. He rubbed the back of his neck, feeling his eyes drooping. He wished he could sleep in today but alas work called. He eyed his door with a dreamy stare and sighed, patting the door once before he turned to leave.
He looked up and then froze when the door in front of his opened, stepping out was the last person Jim thought he would get to see. He stared at him, eyes widening and mouth hanging open. He quickly took a step back, recalling Spock's threat from last night as his back slammed against his front door with a thud.
Spock closed his front door and looked at him and Jim could see the exact moment he recognised him. Spock had gone rigid, his jaw clenching and his eyes sharp. Jim opened his mouth but Spock looked over Jim's shoulder to the door and then back to staring at Jim in the eyes.
He looked displeased and Jim couldn't help but to feel slightly dejected at that look. This was his hero, standing in front of him, looking at Jim like he would rather crush him beneath his boots than to say hi.
"Uh, hey," Jim said with a small wave. Spock stiffly nodded at him before he walked away, Jim cleared his throat as he waited Spock to walk further from him before he followed the half-Vulcan to the elevator. Spock stood next to him as they waited for the metal doors to open. Jim felt the need to make conversation with him but refrained when he remembered Spock didn't like him.
"I advice you to stop staring at me," Spock said, curt. Jim was startled at that as he looked away, staring at his feet.
"Can't help it," Jim joked, feeling his humour coming back up as a defence mechanism. Spock went even more rigid at that. Fuck's sakes, Jim, fucking stop talking! "Good looks and all that." Fucking hell, Jim.
"Cease talking," Spock ground out.
Jim promptly closed his mouth and gave him a short nod, fidgeting at where he stood. But he couldn't help but to keep glancing at Spock, who wore civilian clothes and Jim would be a fool to not admit that the half-Vulcan looked good in them.
When the doors opened, Spock walked inside before Jim did, hesitating for a second before he chose to stand behind Spock at one of the corners, leaning against the walls and crossing his arms against his chest. Spock's back was still rigid and his shoulders squared and Jim bit his bottom lip, wondering how to defuse this situation.
"I'm sorry," Jim said, causing Spock to look at him from the metal door reflection. The dark orbs stared into his blue ones before they looked away. "But you're just misunderstanding my intention."
"I do not wish to talk to you," Spock said. "Cease talking."
Jim bit his tongue at that when he frowned. He stood straighter and stared at the half-Vulcan. "I'm just trying to say I'm sorry. I don't want to sleep with you, you know."
"I do not care," Spock said.
"Look," Jim said, getting irritated at Spock's arrogance. "I'm sorry if I offended you by touching you, okay. But I'm not interested in sleeping with you."
Spock didn't even acknowledge him, simply walking away from him when the metal doors opened revealing the lobby. Jim couldn't help but to make a strangled noise at the back of his throat, irritated. He couldn't help it when he felt this flare of anger in his mind.
"Asshole," Jim muttered under his breath as he watched Spock walking away. "I really was apologising."
Running his fingers through his hair, he felt a trickle of disappointment covering his heart. He guessed now he knew why they said to never meet your heroes. Spock was a let down, he realised. Maybe it was because of Jim's brash behaviour but Jim apologised. He didn't understand why Spock was treating him like the pest he was.
He frowned as a distressing thought floated in his mind. Was it because he was Human?
He knew Spock was half-Human but he had heard rumours that Spock disliked his human heritage and focused mostly on his Vulcan side. He snorted at that as he continued to walk to his work place. That really was a disappointment when he expected more from the First Officer of U.S.S Enterprise.
Jim should have known better. Of course even his hero at the end of the day was nothing like how he pictured him to be.
Jim rubbed his right shoulder as he walked down the pavement, looking for a place to grab something to eat for lunch. He recalled there was this new diner opening up and if the prices weren't over his budget, Jim wanted to try that place. It didn't take him long to find the diner, stomach grumbling when he saw the specials on the menu outside. He looked at the diner through the windows and stopped for a second when his eyes landed on a couple a few tables from where he was.
"Oh, fuck no," he mumbled under his breath. His heart lurched against his chest, looking at Spock, who was busy engaging in a conversation with a woman, nodding to her as the woman smiled brightly. Jim narrowed his eyes at the woman, trying to remember where he had seen that face before and then blinked when he did. "That's Lieutenant Uhura," Jim said. Or what Jim had called her as the Uhura-is-my-only-name.
Jim remembered vaguely that he had tried to hit her on once before he was dragged into a bar fight. He shook his head from the thoughts, knowing that he should turn around and walk away. After what had happened this morning, it only made sense that Jim avoided Spock as much as he could.
But his feet were moving and before he knew it, he was sitting at a table hidden from their view and a menu against his face, sneaking a glance at them once in a while. He felt his cheeks heating up at his behaviour. He had told Spock he didn't want to sleep with him and yet what the fuck was he doing stalking the guy?
It was clear that the half-Vulcan perceived him as a nuisance much to his disappointment, so Jim should leave him be! And yet…
He grumbled to himself as he continued to peek over the menu, quickly ducking back under when he thought either Uhura or Spock were looking over his direction. He knew he was being paranoid but he really didn't want to get caught by either of them. Spock looked like he was ready to throttle him for speaking to him this morning.
And he had heard of Uhura's own prowess.
He didn't want to cross either of them today.
A hand landed on his shoulder and in shock, the menu went flying on the floor as Jim squeaked. He clamped his mouth shut, his heart racing against his chest as fear coiled at the pit of his stomach, freezing when the hand on his shoulder clamped tighter.
Jim slowly looked over his shoulder to who it was that was touching him and tried to smile when his eyes took in a man with slightly amused eyes. "Y—yeah?" Jim asked, taking in a deep breath before he cleared his throat.
"I caught you staring at the hobgoblin," the man spoke, removing his hand and crossing his hands against his chest instead. "You stalking him or somethin'?"
The southern drawl jarred Jim for a second before he shrugged, smiling at him. "Not really," Jim said.
"Kid, you're clearly stalking the hobgoblin," the man drawled. "I think I should tell him."
Jim immediately stood up, hands out. "Don't," he pleaded. "He'll Vulcan pinch me or something! He already hates my guts!"
The man's eyebrows raised before he smirked. "Well, what the hell did you do to earn his hate, kid? Prepositioned the Vulcan?"
Jim's face coloured. The man's smirk melted before he looked at the blond indecorously. "Fuck, seriously?"
"No!" Jim said. "He misunderstood me and thought I wanted to sleep with him."
The man tilted his head to the side a bit before he glanced where Uhura and Spock were still conversing. "Yeah, I can see that happening," the man muttered before he flashed an amused smirk at Jim. "Takes thing literally like a goddamn computer. It takes a while to get used to him, kid."
"I'm trying," Jim said. "Please don't tell him?"
The man looked at Jim for a bit before he said, "What's your name, kid?"
"James Kirk," Jim said, feeling slightly nervous about the possibility of Spock finding out he was here—well, he wasn't actually stalking him—spying on him more like. He saw the man's face dawning in recognition and Jim realised a bit too late that he gave out his last name.
Ah, fuck.
"You're George Kirk's son?" the man asked. Jim sighed, irritated a bit as he nodded, his shoulders tensed. "Holy shit."
"Look, man," Jim said, looking at him. "Can we not do this? I know I'm a failure or a let down because I didn't hold up my dad's reputation, yada yada, I heard it all already. Let's skip that part."
The man didn't speak for a while before he shrugged and nodded, holding out his hand. "Leonard McCoy," he said, his southern accent bleeding through the words. It was Jim's turn to look at him awestruck when he realised who this man was. He shook McCoy's hand and breathed out.
"You're the famous Doctor McCoy, huh?" Jim teased, grinning widely. The doctor rolled his eyes and snorted.
"Famous? Nah, don't think so, kid," McCoy said. "So, James, you gonna buy something to eat or what?"
"Jim," Jim corrected McCoy. "Yeah, I was going to until…"
"Got caught staring at the hobgoblin, yeah, I get it," McCoy said before he paused, frowning. "Actually, I don't since I don't go starin' at pointy-eared elves."
Jim made an amused sound at that, already liking this man in front of him. "You don't like Vulcans or something?" Jim asked. "Xenophobic?"
"Just Vulcans," McCoy said. "Don't have emotions to even cry for their own planet's death."
Jim cringed at that as he sighed, gesturing at the empty seat in front of him. "Want to grab something to eat with me?" Jim asked, flashing his infamous grin at him. McCoy simply eyed that grin before looking at him in the eyes.
"How can I say no to that shiny smile," McCoy said, his voice lacing amusement, taking a seat in front of Jim while Jim sat back down on his chair. "Did you do that to Spock?"
Jim frowned at that before he pointed at McCoy. "I grinned, yeah, but I was trying to be friendly."
"You should work on that grin, kid," McCoy. "Thought for a second you were prepositioning me."
Jim couldn't help but to laugh. "McCoy, you're a good-looking man. Why wouldn't I?"
McCoy grinned at that though it looked more scary than nice. Jim didn't think it was threatening though as he continued to smile at the man. "Not swinging your way, Jim," McCoy said. "Call me Leonard."
"Leonard, I think we're going be good friends," Jim said, earning another amused smirk from the doctor.
"I feel like you're going to be a pain in the ass," Leonard said. Jim grinned again, leaning against the table, his eyes shimmered.
"See? You know me already," Jim teased.
"Just great, kid," Leonard groused. "So, the hobgoblin, how did you meet him?"
Jim glanced at the table and was surprised to find that Spock and Uhura were gone. A bit relieved at that, he picked up the menu that was on the floor and went back to slumping against the chair. "At the grocery store yesterday night," Jim said. "I crashed into him."
"Ouch," Leonard said.
Jim nodded. "It was like running into a brick wall, man. Anyway, he helped me and made sure I was fine but I was busy staring at him like awestruck teenager. Only—that I was, awestruck that is," Jim said as he rubbed the back of his neck, face heating up.
Leonard raised his eyebrows at that. "Awe…struck," Leonard said, word dragging. "Kid, you a fan of him or something?"
Jim coloured even more. "Maybe?" he said and Leonard sighed.
"You're one of those Vulcan-fetish-lovers, huh?" he asked and Jim shook his head.
"No!" Jim said. "No, man, no. I mean, they have cute ears but no, I'm a fan of Spock. Actually, I'm just a fan of everyone aboard the U.S.S Enterprise."
"You a fan of me then?" Leonard asked, almost amused by the idea and Jim grinned.
"And if I am?" Jim said and Leonard snorted.
"You're a weird kid," Leonard said.
"Eh, I've been called worse," Jim said. "But yeah. And he's also my neighbour."
Leonard blinked at that before he said, "Your neighbour?"
"Yeah, found out just today when I walked out of my apartment and saw him coming from his own apartment opposite of mine," Jim said with a frown. "I tried to get him to see that it was a misunderstanding but he just brushed me off."
"Sounds like he made a bad first impression on you," Leonard said.
"I want to change that impression," Jim said. "He's making it hard."
Leonard snorted. "Kid, if you know him like I do, he's a massive pain in the ass with his logic."
"Thought you don't like Vulcans?" Jim asked, raising his eyebrows.
Leonard grinned at him at that. "I don't."
Jim laughed at that, shaking his head at Leonard's antics.
Hanging out with Bones was fun—it made Jim feel different for the first time in his life. Like he was genuinely cared for and even though it had been two weeks since he met Bones; a nickname for Leonard due to an unfortunate circumstance where Leonard ended up choking on a chicken bone because Jim made him laugh; and Jim liked the man.
Jim didn't know that being friends with someone could make him feel light on his feet. It could be possible that the reason Jim liked being friends with the doctor was because he never gotten that much attention on him. Bones was caring under that gruff exterior and he always spoke in a southern drawl when he got annoyed with Jim's antics.
Hence why Jim found that it was fun to push all of Bones' existing button.
At first, Jim thought he might end up scaring Bones away if he kept up with his usual annoying behaviour but Bones had never said anything more than 'Kid, goddamnit, don't make me use a hypospray on you' but his eyes would twinkle in amusement.
Jim learned he was divorced with a daughter named Joanna and Bones had spent an entire day one time showing pictures of his daughter to Jim and talking about her. Jim found himself sharing the happiness and wondered if he would ever meet the girl that made Bones a proud father.
"No," Jim said, staring at Bones like he grew a second head. "You forgot that he hates my guts? I can't attend that!"
Jim also learned Bones could be meddlesome if he wanted to.
"Come on, Jim," Bones said. "I thought you wanted to change his perspective on you?"
Jim narrowed his eyes at his friend, sipping on his coffee. "Yeah," Jim said. "But I never once caught him coming out of his apartment ever since that day two weeks ago. It's like he vanished!"
"Well, he won't vanish here," Bones said. "Besides, you said you wanted to meet Scotty."
Jim's eyes sparkled at that, perking up. "Scotty will be there?"
"Sure," Bones said. "Everyone's gathering at this bar downtown, newly opened or something like that. Even that Russian kid is going."
"I'm gonna be so starstruck," Jim said, groaning. Bones smirked.
"You get to be even more starstruck when that hobgoblin comes," Bones said, earning a playful glare from Jim.
"Shut up, Bones," he said and Bones immediately scowled.
"Damnit, kid, I thought I told you not to call me that!" Bones said and Jim smiled at him, innocently.
"It's a cool nickname, Bones," Jim said. After a pause, he sighed. "Fine, I'll come. Tonight?"
"Tonight," Bones confirmed.
Jim was nervous. Half of him wanted to run away the minute he arrived at the bar and the other was trying to gather his courage so he could do this. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, contemplating just what he was going to do when he saw the crew of U.S.S Enterprise.
He was reluctant to admit but he was terrified he might make a bad first impression like how he did with Spock. Somehow, for the first time in his life, someone's opinion mattered to him. Taking in a deep breath, he walked into the bar, greeted by the calm atmosphere.
"Jim!" Bones's voice echoed through the music and Jim looked at where he was. He was sitting next to a teenager, looking just as grouchy as he usually was. Plastering a grin, he walked to the table, waving at Bones before his eyes landed on the teenager with curly hair and smile. "You came, finally."
"Am I early?" Jim asked, realising it was just the three of them.
"Sulu iz on hiz way," the teenager said with a thick Russian accent. Jim knew then that this must be Ensign Chekov. "I'm Chekov! Pleaz'd to meet you!"
"Jim Kirk. You too," Jim said as he shook his hand. "Wow, seventeen and a member of the greatest ship on the fleet."
Chekov beamed at him, his cheeks reddening. "Thank you."
Bones moved a bit and dragged Jim to sit next to him. "Uhura, Scotty and Spock are on their way too."
"Should I go buy us drinks?" Jim asked. Bones simply shook his head.
"Nah, I ordered it," Bones said. Then, he glanced at the teenager and snorted when Chekov glared at him. "Yeah, ain't gonna happen, kid."
"Ruzzians created the alcohol, you know!" Chekov said, cheeks puffing. Bones only rolled his eyes, crossing his arms against his chest before looking at Jim, eyebrows raised.
"Can you believe this kid?" he asked Jim, who smiled amused.
Just then, the waitress brought their drinks to their table, asking if they wanted anything else before leaving. Jim hesitated to take the first drink, knowing he should wait for the others but when Bones had begun to drink his, Jim took a sip from his mug.
"They're here!" Chekov said, excitedly as he stood up, rushing towards the four people entering the bar. The Asian of the group laughed as he gave Chekov a high-five and followed the Russian kid to the table. Chekov beamed happily when he pointed at Jim. "Sulu, thiz iz Bones' new friend!"
"I did hear Bones is bringing a friend," Sulu said with a grin as he handed out his hand. "Hikaru Sulu, call me Sulu."
"Jim Kirk," Jim said as he shook Sulu's hand. Sulu's eyes widened for a second and Jim gave him a weak smile. "Yeah, I know—George Kirk's estranged son."
Sulu seemed to understand his dilemma, nodding at Jim with an assuring smile. "It's good to meet you," Sulu said as he sat down beside Chekov. "Sorry, Leonard. I had to put my little girl to sleep before I could come around."
"Ben didn't wanna join us?" Bones asked, continuing to sip his drink. Sulu shrugged.
"He wants a quiet night," Sulu said and then looked at Jim. "He's my husband."
"Ah," Jim said and nodded. "That's nice." And Jim meant it. Sometimes, he wondered briefly how nice it could be to be in a domestic relationship and happy. But Jim wasn't built like that and his own past experiences didn't actually support his nonsensical wishes, so it was quickly put out of flame the minute the thought entered his mind.
"It is," Sulu agreed and his smile softened. "I miss my family—but they're so supportive. I'm glad to have Ben and our daughter."
Jim couldn't help but to give him the same soft look he sported. "That's how a family should be," he said.
"We're here, doctor," a Scottish accent broke Jim from his thoughts. The blond looked at the man and brightened immediately.
"Scotty," Bones said. "Meet Jim, my friend."
"You have a friend?" Uhura asked, her voice still as smooth as Jim remembered. Her eyes flickered to him and for a second, she froze before her eyes widened, pointing a finger at him. "You!"
"Hello, Uhura-is-my-only-name," Jim said with a cheeky grin, waving at her. Uhura's eyes narrowed before she rolled them, crossing her hands against her chest.
"What do you know? Farm boy is here," she said but her voice wasn't menacing, instead, it was curious and probably teasing. Jim relaxed under that scrutiny as he shrugged.
"Montgomery Scott," Scotty said as he held out his hand. "Everyone calls me Scotty."
"Jim," Jim said and then decided it was too late to cover up his last name anyway. "Jim Kirk."
"Ah, George Kirk's son," Scotty said but he didn't stop to gape at him like the rest did. Jim snorted and shook his head.
"One and only," Jim said as he shook his hand. Then, the blue eyes landed on the half-Vulcan, who was tense beside Uhura, eyes boring into Jim in a calculative manner. The blond couldn't help but to fidget under his stare even though he tried to make it out like he wasn't affected.
"I heard you're a fan of me, Jim," Scotty said and Jim snapped his gaze at the Chief Engineer. He felt his face flushing a bit, scratching the back of his neck before he glared at Bones. The doctor only smirked at Jim, shaking his head.
"Well," Jim said. "I read the latest theory paper you published and I'm…impressed."
Scotty beamed up at that and before they knew it, they were geeking out together about it, each of them discussing their own solution and the more Jim got to know about Scotty, the easier it was to just laugh and make jokes with him. The blond didn't know it was this easy to get along with the crew of Enterprise. Even Chekov joined the discussion when it perked his interest.
"Oi, enough!" Bones finally said, citing all three of them. Jim looked at Bones, blinking. "I came here to have a good time, not to hear you three nerds talking about space stuff."
"Space stuff?" Jim said, holding back a grin when Bones grumbled under his breath.
"Fucking shut up, Jim," Bones said. "Thought you wanted to talk to the hobgoblin too."
Jim rolled his eyes, gaze moving away from the doctor to Spock, who was busy looking at his PADD, not joining in the conversation meanwhile Uhura glanced at him once in a while before she looked at Jim. She smiled at him, the first genuine smile he saw of her and he was taken aback.
"You smiling like that is giving me ideas," Jim said, leaning against the table. Uhura snorted but amusement twinkled her eyes.
"You're pretty smart, Kirk," she said. "But you haven't changed at all, have you?"
Jim shrugged at her, couldn't really defend himself with that but once again, he didn't take offence to her. In fact, she seemed a bit impressed at the fact that Jim could talk to Scotty and Chekov without falling behind in the conversation.
Spock glanced at him then before he looked back his PADD. Jim bit his inner cheek, wondering how he should approach the half-Vulcan without offending him.
"So, Spock," Jim said, catching Spock's attention. There was a distinct look of annoyance in those eyes but they weren't fully hateful like Jim had witnessed weeks ago. "How does it feel to be a First Officer?"
Spock tilted his head to the side, eyebrows furrowing. "Clarify."
Jim's eyebrows raised at that before he shrugged, trying to figure out a way to rephrase his question. "Is it…fun being a First Officer?"
"Fun?" Spock asked, sounding confused. "I…fail to see how being a First Officer can be fun."
Uhura glanced at Spock before she sighed almost fondly. "I think he's asking if you like your job, Spock."
"Ah," Spock said. "I believe it is adequate."
Jim grinned at him, finding it endearing how Spock contemplated his answer like that. Spock noticed his grin and narrowed his eyes but this time, instead of caution, he looked thoughtful. "Adequate?" Jim asked. "Surely it must be more fun that that. I heard you might be the Captain of Enterprise soon once Pike becomes an Admiral."
"Negative," Spock said. "I do not wish to become a Captain. I prefer being a First Officer and Science Officer of the vessel."
That was interesting.
"You don't like taking command?" Jim asked, genuinely. Spock seemed to hesitate with answering him as his dark orbs plastered on Jim's blue ones. Uhura seemed to fidget where she sat before she stood up, moving out of her seat, announcing she would buy them more drinks. Jim took the opportunity to occupy her empty seat, causing Spock to tense beside him. The look of wariness entered his eyes again and Jim felt irritated at that.
He wasn't acting like a sex-crazed maniac, was he? Why was this half-Vulcan so cautious with him?
"I do not," Spock answered him at last. Jim nodded and then sighed, running a hand through his hair.
"Look, Spock," Jim said, carefully choosing his words. "I'm sorry if I offended you that day at the grocery store and at the elevator."
Spock glanced at him, his grip on his PADD tightening. "Indeed?" he said and Jim thought that was a good sign. The half-Vulcan wasn't dismissing his apology yet.
"Yeah," Jim said. "I was awestruck, okay? I'm kinda like…your fan."
His face flushed as he admitted that. Spock seemed to furrow his eyebrows again, frowning.
"Fan?" Spock asked. "What do you mean by that?"
"Meaning I admire your work," Jim said. "I admire your decisions and admire your—personality. You're like my favourite among the crew. Not that the rest isn't awesome."
Spock didn't answer him for a while and Jim sighed when he thought that the Vulcan wasn't going to respond to him. Maybe there was a quota to how much Jim could speak to him before he got ignored. He looked away and at Bones, who had been watching their interaction with raised eyebrows. He shrugged at the doctor and gave him a defeated smile.
He tried.
"I do not believe I have done anything worth being admired for," Spock said, catching Jim off guard with his reply. Jim stared at him for a second before he raised his own eyebrows.
"Are you kidding me?" he asked. Spock looked at him, lowering his PADD to his lap.
"I am not kidding you," Spock said before he frowned again. "Vulcans do not kid."
Jim was startled to laugh at that reply, grinning widely. "No, they don't," Jim agreed.
"I do not understand," Spock said.
"You defeated that Nero guy, Spock," Jim said. "Even when you lost your homeplanet."
Spock looked away. "I do not believe you know exactly what happened at that time," Spock said. "I did not do much to bring justice against Nero's actions. I believe the right term for what I had done was become emotionally compromised."
Jim felt a pang of guilt at having brought bitter memories for Spock. He wordlessly grabbed his beer and took a big gulp. "Sorry," he muttered. "Didn't mean to make you feel sad."
"Vulcans do not feel sad," Spock said.
Jim gave a sigh at that, though it was laced with amusement. "Either way, I still admire you for being strong," Jim said. Spock looked at him and Jim realised that there was no longer any trace of irritation in those eyes, instead they were filled with curiosity.
He would take that over irritation any day.
"I see," Spock said, slowly. Jim decided that that was the best he could do for now. He didn't want to overwhelm the half-Vulcan and cause him to hate Jim again, especially since the blond had a tendency to crack inappropriate jokes at the wrong time. He didn't think Spock would appreciate the gesture.
He stood up and patted his thighs. "I'm heading home, guys," he said, earning eyes on him.
"Aww, so fast?" Sulu asked.
"I actually have an early morning shift tomorrow," Jim said with a shrug. "Just came by because Bones asked me to meet you guys."
"Bones?" Uhura asked, who had come back to the table with the drinks. She turned her gaze on Jim. "You're leaving already?"
"You're going to miss me?" Jim asked. Uhura snorted as she placed the drinks on the table.
"Goodbye, Jim," she said, earning a playful grin from the blond.
"Bones is Leonard's nickname," Jim said, answering Uhura's question.
"I told you to not call me that," Bones grumbled but it was half-hearted at best. Chekov grinned at that, patting Bones on the shoulder, earning the doctor's disapproval. "No, you will not call me Bones. I swear, if you do—"
"I give you permission to use that nickname, Chekov," Jim said, earning a glare from the doctor.
"Go the fuck home, Jim," Bones said with a wave. He turned his glare on the teenager. "Don't you fucking dare," he glowered.
Chekov shrunk a bit from his glare but he still looked happy at the prospect of a nickname. Jim suspected he would try using that on Bones sooner rather than later.
"Come hang out with us soon," Sulu said as he stood up, smiling at Jim.
"Just text me when you guys are meeting up," Jim said and before he knew it, he exchanged numbers with Sulu, Chekov and Scotty. Uhura refused to hand her number over though and Jim shrugged.
"Haven't earned that yet," Uhura said with a finger waggling at his direction.
Jim didn't ask for Spock's number, knowing the half-Vulcan would take it offensively, so he pocketed the comm into his pockets.
"It was nice talking to ye, Jim," Scotty said. "Maybe I can discuss with you more about my ideas tomorrow?"
"That sounds cool," Jim beamed up. "Text me when and where."
With that, he waved goodbye to everyone and exited the bar, glancing at Spock to nod at him. He took in a deep breath once he stepped out of the bar, feeling a bit dizzy at the cold air blowing against his face. It was getting a bit stuffy inside the bar now that Jim was out in the open. He took in another deep breath, shoving his hands into his jeans and decided to start walking home when he heard a pair of footsteps falling with his strides.
Glancing to his left, he was startled to stop when he realised it was Spock.
"Uhm," Jim began. Spock stopped walking as well, stiffly turning to look at him.
"Is something the matter?" Spock asked.
"You're walking next to me," Jim said. Instead of running away the other direction like you did previously, was left unsaid but it was clear in the way Jim left his sentence hang.
Spock looked away to the pavement before he said, "It is only logical I walk with you since we both live in the same building."
"Right," Jim said before he pulled a hand out from his pockets to rub the back of his neck. "But you hate me. Besides, what are you doing ending your night early?"
"I believe you have a misconception," Spock said, sounding a bit wary all of a sudden. "I do not hate you. And to answer your other question, I believe I was not comfortable with how the capacity of the bar is decreasing."
"In other words, the bar's getting busy and you don't want your personal bubble to burst," Jim concluded, earning a half-annoyed look from the half-Vulcan. He sobered at that and smiled at him, hoping he looked friendly. Spock didn't react to the smile but he didn't turn around and walk away either, so Jim thought that was pretty good for him.
Then, Jim snorted. "You hate me, Spock. Anyone with a functioning pair of eyes could see how much you disliked me from those two encounters. You practically ran away from me!"
Jim was taken aback to see how Spock's face suddenly coloured in light green. It sent a flutter of something in his stomach as he took in a sharp breath, looking away, feeling his own face heating up.
"I…apologise for my behaviour," Spock said. "I have concluded you were—"
"Yeah, I get it," Jim said, giving him a wary smile. "What changed your mind?"
"Your conversation with the crew," Spock said. "They were enlightening to listen to."
Jim couldn't help but to snicker. "You thought I was a dumb blond, didn't you?"
"I do not understand," Spock said.
"You thought I was stupid, Spock," Jim clarified, amused.
Spock froze, his shoulders stiffening, making Jim snort again. "I apologise for my lack of judgement," Spock said. "I shall mediate past this error and make suitable amends."
"Nah, don't worry about it," Jim said with a shrug. "I've been called worse."
Spock furrowed his eyebrows, frowning. "Worse?"
"Come on, don't tell me you never heard of the rumours about me before," Jim said as he nudged Spock with his elbow. The half-Vulcan stiffened once more when their skins made contact.
Jim's eyebrows raised at that before he realised why Spock seemed aloof every time Jim touched him. Touch-telepaths. Jim distanced himself from Spock a bit so that he doesn't touch him again, respecting the half-Vulcan's boundaries. Spock seemed to notice but he doesn't comment on it.
"Rumours are illogical as they do not have factual information and concrete evidence against the claims made," Spock said before he eyed Jim.
Jim cracked a grin. "But in my case, it's true," he said.
Spock frowned. "I see," he said.
"I mean, I am what they said," Jim said with a low sigh. "It's not like I'm saying I'm not."
Spock remained silent for a second. "You are agreeing to them when they call you immature and…"
"A failure?" Jim questioned before chuckling, a bitter tone in his voice. "More or less, they aren't wrong, Spock."
"You are George Kirk's son," Spock said. "It is logical for the expectations to be placed on you."
"And that's the problem," Jim grumbled, frowning himself. "I don't want to be compared to my father. I don't want to carry his success. I want to be my own person, hence why I moved away from Iowa to San Francisco."
"You have no intention in joining Starfleet," Spock said.
"Hell no," Jim said. And then, he added, "Maybe—but not if it meant that I'll always be in his shadows."
"I do admire you, you know," Jim said after awhile of silence.
"I may not understand why you admire me," Spock said. "But I shall take that as a compliment."
"There you go," Jim said with a grin, resisting the urge to slap Spock's shoulder. "You're getting Humans now."
Spock's left eyebrow seemed to twitch, earning a chuckle from Jim. "What is so humorous?" he asked.
"Nothing," Jim said, smile still on his face as he took in a deep breath. "It's just nice talking to you. They say never to meet your heroes or you'll get disappointed."
Spock raised his eyebrows at that as he looked at Jim.
"Indeed," Spock said at last.
"You're not a disappointment," Jim said. "Now, at least."
Spock didn't say anything and he didn't look at Jim when he said that but when he looked at the half-Vulcan, he swore he saw those lips twitching upwards for a second.
That thought alone, imagination or not, made Jim felt happier than he ever had in years. His heart beat loudly against his chest and when he tried to sleep that night, all he could think was how he had probably changed his perspective of himself in Spock's eyes by simply being himself.
It had been a long time since someone changed their mind about him for the positive when they saw who he truly was. Granted, Spock didn't see all of himself and Jim shouldn't harbour this sudden swell of hope that they could be friends after all—but he couldn't help it.
Spock was an enigma and Jim was a bit infatuated with him.
Jim walked out of his apartment, decided to go grocery shopping after once again realising he had nothing to eat at home. Closing the door behind him, he looked ahead and smiled when he saw Spock coming out of his own apartment as well. The half-Vulcan stopped when he saw Jim before he nodded at him.
It had been three days since that night where Spock became civilised with him. Since that day, Jim had taken liberties in trying to engage Spock in some small talk every time they meet. Most of the time, Jim would stumble across him when they were in the elevator heading to or from their homes.
Jim realised that it was relatively easy to bump into Spock. It seemed like Spock was no longer avoiding him, which was good because Jim was right—Spock was fast becoming a good friend to him. He was still a fanboy at heart, sometimes he would blurt out things that would stun the half-Vulcan into confusion and silence and when Jim would dread that he had ruined something fragile, Spock would surprise him with his questions or statement.
Spock was interesting to be with.
"Hey," Jim said with a wave. "Where are you going?"
Spock stood with his hands clasped behind his back. "I am going to the grocery store. It seems it is time I refilled my pantry."
Jim brightened at that. "Wanna go together? I'm heading to the grocery store too." He then smiled sheepishly, adding, "Should stop neglecting about restocking until it's too late."
Spock looked amused, his eyes twinkling a bit. Jim blinked at that and felt his heart warming. There it was—that easy-to-read emotion in Spock's eyes since that talk three days ago. It sounded funny when he said it out loud in the expense of his own home, but Jim thought he could read Spock's emotions well through his eyes.
The big brown orbs were so damn expressive at times that Jim felt flustered to know that he could identify what Spock was feeling. He wondered—or maybe entertained was the right word—the idea that he was the only one who could do that; read Spock like an open book but then he would feel ridiculous and push away those thoughts from his head.
Because this was Spock; the half-Vulcan who had achieved more than what Jim had when Spock was his age. This was Spock—someone Jim admired and had continued to admire since Spock's professor days. This was Spock; a half-Vulcan, emphasising on the Vulcan part because like Spock said: they do not express emotions.
Jim wasn't anyone special either. He was just this mechanic, earning enough to pay the rent and bills and if he was really good at saving his money that month, probably manage to buy some snacks or get drunk in a bar. He was Jim Kirk—George Kirk's disappointing son. He was Jim—a nobody.
So, he kept these thoughts to himself and dismissed them, only taking them and hugging them tight when he started to feel lonely at night.
"It is only logical," Spock said with another nod, earning him a bright smile from Jim.
"Great!" Jim said as he clapped his hands once. "Let's go."
They walked quietly to the elevator after that. While waiting for the doors to open, he glanced at Spock from the corner of his eyes. Spock looked really good wearing civilian clothes, it fit him well and showed his body cut. And the tone of colour that he wore always suited him. Jim couldn't help but to snicker internally wondering if Spock fussed about his clothes.
But no, that would be illogical, wouldn't it?
Jim hummed under his breath, mulling at that thought.
"I," Spock began. Jim looked at him and raised his eyebrows. "I had noticed that you returned at twelve hundred hours yesterday."
Jim looked away, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah," he said as he pursed his lips together, scrunching his eyebrows. "Boss being a dick and all."
Spock looked at him at that, frowning. "Pardon?"
"My boss," Jim clarified, walking into the elevator when the metal doors opened. Spock followed him in, standing next to him as he pressed the ground button. "He's a dick. He told me to stay back and finish up his stuff too because he had to leave."
"He left you before his shift ended and gave you most of his work?" Spock asked, sounding disapproving. Jim stifled a grin, feeling his heart skipping a beat at the thought Spock listening close to see if he was coming home or not. He should feel crept out to be honest, but he was busy feeling warmer than ever to care.
"Something like that," Jim said before he scowled. "It's not like he's really busy or anything. He just wanted to sleep with one of the customers."
Spock's eyebrows flew upwards at that, waves of disapproval practically oozing out of him. Jim gave him a wry grin at that. "That is unprofessional," he said.
"Well, welcome to my world," Jim said with a shrug and straightened himself when the metal doors opened again.
"I believe we both live in the same world, Earth," Spock said.
"No, I mean," Jim said and then paused. "My life, that's the reality of my life. Extra time working, no extra money—just being me."
Spock didn't seem happy about that and Jim briefly wondered why before he shook that thought away. It wasn't like Spock truly cared about him, they just met. Besides, Jim didn't want pity or sympathy. This was the path he chose and he wouldn't regret any choice he made. Because it was his fault at the end of the day and only his, no one else's.
"Anyway," Jim said. "That's why I was late. Had to close up the shop and all." Then, he grinned cheekily at the Vulcan. "Did you miss me or something? Keeping an eye on me?"
Surprisingly, Spock's face greened. Jim blinked at that, his grin melting away as his own face heated up, his heart thumping loudly against his chest. "Vulcans do not miss," Spock said. "I am merely enquiring because the noise of feet shuffling on the floor disturbed my meditation."
"Oh," Jim said and then frowned, feeling his heart deflating. "Sorry. Didn't mean to disturb your meditation."
Spock greened even more but Jim decided it could be because Spock wasn't used to being talked to so straightforwardly. Jim was quite blunt now that he was thinking about it. "It is nothing," Spock said.
Jim opened his mouth to tell him that Spock had just said he disturbed his concentration but then Spock changed the subject abruptly. "Will you not consider joining Starfleet?" Spock asked. "I have—seen your records and IQ tests. You could do well in Command Track."
Jim sighed. "Nah," he said. "Too much pressure."
Spock shook his head a bit. "I believe you would be a good Captain," Spock said, his voice quiet. Jim glanced at him before he laughed.
"Captain, huh?" Jim said as he looked at the sky. "Can't say it never crossed my mind before."
"Why have you not pursued it then?" Spock said. "You could always outdo your father if you truly do not wish to be in his shadows."
"Because," Jim said and then stopped—because he didn't truly have an answer. All that he knew was that all his life he was George Kirk's son, so why would this change? "Because it's just my statement I guess," Jim said, knowing he sounded daft. One look at Spock's face confirmed that.
"It is illogical to let others dictate your life," Spock said. Jim scrunched his nose.
"I guess I'm illogical then," Jim said. "The thing is, when you live with people saying how close you look to my father, always pointing fingers at a child asking questions about how you feel that your father died and sacrificed his life for his entire crew, when you live with so much pressure—the only thing you would feel at the end of the day is the need to breathe."
Spock remained silent for a while. "Can you breathe now?"
Jim looked to the pavement, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Maybe?" Jim said. "Not really."
"Then perhaps," Spock said, looking at Jim. "Perhaps you should consider—a different life route to find peace."
Jim quirked his lips upward. "Maybe," Jim said but then took in a deep breath. "Ah, this is kinda a heavy topic. Let's switch to something lighter—how's your day?"
Spock furrowed his eyebrows. "My day has been adequate," he said. "I have started to prepare for the five-year mission accordingly."
"Oh yeah," Jim murmured. "You're leaving in a week and a half."
Jim frowned. His heart thumped against his chest at that thought but it wasn't a happy thump. It was a sad thump and he disliked it. He clenched his jaw tight when he tried to imagine not seeing Spock again for the next five years. Suddenly, Jim didn't like going back to that lonely life. All of the friends he made would be leaving him in less than two weeks.
And Jim would be back to the lonely life he had until they come back.
That was a depressing thought.
"Indeed," Spock said. "We will be having a new Captain."
"Oh," Jim said but his mind was distracted with the sudden douse of reality. "That's nice."
"I have yet to know what to think about it," Spock said. "Jim?"
"Yeah?" Jim asked.
"Are you well?" Spock asked, stopping. Jim stopped as well, looking at Spock, realising that the half-Vulcan had noticed that he looked off. Taking in a subtle deep breath, he hid away the sudden crash of loneliness and gave Spock a half-hearted smile that he hoped looked convincing.
"I'm fine," Jim said. "Got caught up thinking about something."
Spock hesitated for a second before he said, "Do you wish to share your thoughts with me?" Then, he added, "Is it not what friends do?"
Jim blinked at him, surprised. "We're friends?" he asked, his voice hushed. Spock frowned.
"Are we not?" Spock asked.
Jim took in a shaky breath at that and the sadness that threatened to overwhelm him lifted a bit as he smiled, sincere. Spock looked taken aback at the smile, his eyes wide and his shoulders tensed.
"Yeah, Spock," Jim said, grinning even if he felt like his eyes could tear up. "Yeah, we're friends."
Spock nodded, even though he looked confused.
Jim didn't clarify to him why he felt happy, only thankful that the half-Vulcan seemed to always know how to say the right thing to him. "Let's go," Jim said as he patted Spock's shoulder, avoiding skin contact. Spock tensed at the touch before he relaxed, a look of something crossed his eyes and disappeared before Jim could comprehend what it was.
"Indeed," Spock said, his voice hushed too and Jim took his hand away, smiling all the way to the grocery store.
Jim scanned through the cans of soup, stopping when he found Plomeek soup in a can. He grabbed it and then chuckled, remembering that he had met Spock here, taking the same type of soup. "Hey, Spock," Jim said, turning to look at the half-Vulcan who was looking up from his grocery list. "Have you eaten Plomeek Soup before?"
Spock stood closer to Jim and took the can from his hands to look at it. "I did," Spock said. "But not the canned version."
"Oh," Jim said. "I tried it once, the day we met. It tasted kinda awful."
"It will taste bland to Humans," Spock said. "But the canned version is not as Humans put it—delicious."
"It isn't supposed to taste sour?" Jim asked. Spock's eyebrows raised.
"No," Spock said. "It is not supposed to taste sour."
"Well," Jim said as he took the can from Spock's hand, placing it back into the shelves. Rubbing the back of his neck he said, "Guess that's why I don't like it then."
"Perhaps," Spock said, pausing for a bit. "Perhaps you would not be adversed to try Plomeek soup prepared by me."
Jim grinned. "You'll cook for me?" he asked.
"I would," Spock said. "It seems it has become my duty to ensure you taste how Vulcan dishes taste exactly."
Jim noticed the half-Vulcan had narrowed his eyes at the cans in distaste. Laughing a bit, Jim nodded. "Yeah, that sounds great," Jim said. "Maybe I'll cook for you something as well in return."
"That is unnecessary, Jim," Spock said but Jim only shook his head.
"I can make something for you," Jim said. "It's not a big deal."
Spock looked at Jim and then he nodded, the corner of his lips twitching upwards for a bit. Jim's breath left his lungs and his face reddened, a sudden feeling sharpening in his chest. Had he done that? Had he caused the half-Vulcan to smile?
"You're smiling," Jim breathed out. Spock's lips thinned into a straight line immediately and Jim berated himself for speaking without thinking again. "Not that it's a bad thing! It's…just unexpected."
"Vulcans do not smile," Spock said, stiffly. Jim looked at him and noticed how tense he was and he frowned.
"I know," Jim said. "But there's nothing wrong if you did anyway."
"Expressing emotions openly is not encouraged," Spock said, continuing to sound stiff. Jim sighed and placed a hand on Spock's shoulder, expecting for the half-Vulcan to slap his hands away but when the shoulders relaxed under his touch, Jim was surprised. It didn't stop the warm feeling from floating in his chest though. He squeezed Spock's shoulder and gave him a bashful smile.
"I like your smile," Jim said, earning a blank look from Spock. But his eyes were a clear giveaway, showing his pleasure at that. A validation that Jim accepted him. Of course Jim did. He squeezed Spock's shoulder once more and pulled away, trying to ignore the twinge of disappointment in his chest at the thought that Spock would be leaving soon. "Anyway, let's go, we still have more things to get."
Spock nodded and followed Jim, finishing up the grocery shopping.
Jim leaned against the counter of Spock's kitchen, staring at the ingredients being placed on the counter. Immediately, Jim knew that this soup wouldn't taste like how its canned counterpart did.
"I didn't think you were serious," Jim said, looking away from the ingredients to Spock who was taking out a pot from the cabinets.
"I am always serious," Spock said without missing a beat. Jim cracked a grin, shaking his head as he crossed his arms against his chest.
"I thought you were just humouring me," Jim said. Spock looked at him before he went back to washing his pot and placing it on the electric stove.
"Vulcans do not humour," Spock said. Jim snorted and rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, see," Jim said as he pointed at Spock. "I'm starting to doubt all this Vulcans don't do this and Vulcans don't do that thing."
Spock furrowed his eyebrows and Jim knew without even looking in his eyes that he was confused. "It is the truth," Spock said as he started to prepare the ingredients.
"I guess," Jim said. "But I'm still unconvinced."
"May I enquire as to why you have come to this conclusion?" Spock asked but he wasn't looking at Jim neither did he sound serious. It was asked in this tone of airiness that had Jim chuckling.
"That tone you used," Jim said. "That's one of the reasons why I think you're humouring me."
Spock stopped moving for a second, looking at Jim dead in the eyes and lifting his eyebrows. Jim saw a particular twinkle in the brown eyes and then Spock looked away. "I see," Spock said and Jim laughed.
"You are humouring me!" Jim exclaimed, happy. Spock didn't even bother to shoot him his eyebrows to communicate how illogical Jim was being but the blond knew that the half-Vulcan had done just that.
"I do not know what you are talking about," Spock said.
Jim could feel his cheeks hurting from how much he was smiling already. It had been two days since the grocery store trip and Spock had started to seek him out every time Jim was free. Spock had started to engage him in discussions that made Jim excited for, always exchanging opinions and starting debates. Halfway, Spock had even complimented Jim on his intelligence and asked him to once again consider Starfleet. Even though Jim once again told him in these exact words of 'fat chance that's happening'—Jim felt touched.
It was like they were getting closer and Jim's heart felt full, happy. He didn't know he could feel this way. The warmth that pooled at the pit of his stomach kept his head high up in the clouds. It was a feeling he didn't want to let go of.
He cleared his throat, the back of his neck hot.
"So, where did you learn to cook?" Jim asked.
"From my mother," Spock said, quiet. Jim paused and then sighed, running his fingers through his hair.
"Sorry," Jim said. "I'm sorry for your loss."
Spock glanced at him before he went back to cook the soup. "It is unnecessary to apologise for something you have no control over."
"I know," Jim said as he bit his bottom lip, worrying it. "It's a sentiment."
"Ah," Spock said. "Then I shall express my gratitude."
Jim smiled at him before he went to stare at his feet, taking in a deep breath, the scent of incense filled the air. Spock's apartment was really clean, Jim noted. Everything was arranged neatly and there wasn't even a picture frame out of place. It honestly made Jim's apartment look like a mess when he indeed kept his apartment as clean.
"Do you know anything about the new Captain?" Jim asked, realising the silence was wearing him down.
"The new Captain has eight years of experience in commanding a starship," Spock said and then he stopped, eyebrows creased just a little and a small frown on his lips. "I appear to be conflicted about him."
"Why?" Jim asked as he frowned. "He's a jerk or something?"
"Unknown," Spock said. "I believe the Humans would say that 'it does not feel right'."
"You think he doesn't suit the job," Jim pointed out.
"Perhaps," Spock said. "But it is illogical to deduce that about someone Starfleet had picked as a Captain."
"Because they can't go wrong, right?" Jim asked, humouring Spock himself.
"Indeed," Spock said and Jim snorted. "It seems you do not believe so."
"Everyone makes mistakes," Jim said. "Even Starfleet."
Spock didn't reply to that but Jim knew he agreed with him when Spock looked at him and those eyes softened. Jim's heart skipped a beat and he smiled at Spock, the edges of his fingertips buzzing.
The Plomeek soup was soon done and Jim sat in front of Spock at the kitchen table, taking the first sip of it. And Spock was right—it did taste bland. It wasn't bad but it wasn't something he would enjoy eating all the time either.
"You do not like it," Spock said, more of a statement than a question. Jim grimaced in guilt and tried to give him an assuring smile.
"You're a great cook, Spock," Jim said. "It isn't your fault I don't like Vulcan food."
Spock nodded, not looking offended. Jim sighed in relief at that as he continued to eat the soup. "Then why are you eating that still?"
"Because I can eat it," Jim said. "You worked hard on it and it doesn't taste bad. It's just bland. It's something I can eat."
Spock tilted his head a bit to the side. "Fascinating," Spock said, the edges of his lips tilting upwards. "You attempt to appreciate my hard work by finishing up a dish you do not desire for."
"Yeah," Jim said and grinned. "It's worth it if it'll make you happy."
"Vulcans do not—"
"Yeah, yeah, I get it," Jim said with a teasing smile, earning another flash of amusement in those chocolate brown eyes.
"Indeed," Spock said.
"I'll cook you something tomorrow for dinner," Jim said. "Vegetarian, right?"
"It is truly no—"
"How about green spaghetti?" Jim asked, cutting him off again with an innocent grin. Spock's lips tilted down as he huffed out a breath. Jim wondered if that was equivalent to a Human's sigh. That thought made him flush when he realised that Spock looked endearing when he did that.
"You should cease cutting me off," Spock said, but he didn't sound upset.
"Then stop insisting it's fine," Jim said. "Anyway, green spaghetti?"
"What is green spaghetti?" Spock asked.
"It's actually pesto sauce that makes it green," Jim said. Spock seemed contemplative.
"Interesting," Spock said before he nodded. "I would not be adversed to try it."
"Great," Jim said, grinning widely at him. "Tomorrow night, for dinner."
Spock nodded again and then, he did something that blew Jim away. He smiled. It wasn't a full blown smile, but it was definitely a smile no matter how small. Spock's cheeks flushed and his eyes averted to the plate and Jim was left cooing in his mind how cute that was.
He touched his chest as he went back to finish the soup, his heart racing against his chest and his own cheeks reddened. He couldn't contain the smile and again, he wished to never let go of this feeling of warmth in his chest.
Jim plated the pesto spaghetti into two different plates, placing one in front of Spock and the other in front of himself before he sat down in front of the half-Vulcan.
"Interesting," Spock said as he took the first bite. Jim watched him carefully, not eating his food yet.
"How is it?" Jim asked when Spock didn't make a move to tell him about his spaghetti. Spock looked at him before he pointed at the plate with his fork.
"It is delicious, Jim," Spock said, his voice sincere and his eyes warm. Jim grinned brightly at that, his heart working up again. He resisted the urge to squeal like a girl as he went ahead to eat his food, occasionally glancing at the half-Vulcan and looking away again.
"I'm glad you like it," Jim said, breaking the silence.
"I found myself…glad too," Spock said, forming the words as if he was hesitant to do it. Jim blinked at him before he chuckled, realising that Spock had expressed his emotions for the first time.
"I thought Vulcans don't do emotions," Jim said.
"That is a common misconception," Spock said, his eyes twinkled. "Vulcans do not express their emotions blatantly but it does not mean they do not 'do' emotions."
"Fascinating," Jim said, echoing Spock and the half-Vulcan huffed out his breath in that Vulcan-equivalent-to-a-Human-sigh thing that Jim found adorable. He cracked another grin, his cheeks flushing again. "You sound cute whenever you do that," he said and then clamped his lips tight.
Ah…man.
Spock seemed stunned at that, eyebrows furrowed and then his cheeks greened. Jim blinked as he continued to eat his spaghetti, eyeing the half-Vulcan who looked down to his plate.
"To what are you referring to?" Spock asked, his voice quiet and low. Jim swallowed the spaghetti, his heart racing against his chest when he realised that the half-Vulcan wasn't getting up and leaving. Coupled with the fact that Spock's face was green when Jim said he was cute—did that mean—?
Nah, Jim thought. It couldn't be. This was a Vulcan first and foremost. And Jim was…well Jim.
"That sigh you do whenever I irritate you," Jim said. "That little huff of breath. It's cute."
Spock's cheeks flushed again but he seemed more composed now than before. "You do not irritate me," Spock said as he looked at Jim in the eyes, his dark orbs suddenly intensified in a way that had Jim's breath hitching in his throat.
"Oh," Jim said, his throat feeling dry.
"You," Spock began and then looked back to his plate. Jim could clearly see the tips of the Vulcan's ears turning green.
Was Jim doing that to him?
He almost choked in his breath at that thought, his blood rushing to his face even more.
"You are a good friend, Jim," Spock said. Jim smiled at him, ignoring the way there were butterflies in his stomach and the feeling in his chest intensified to frightening proportions.
"You're a good friend too, Spock," Jim said.
Spock nodded as he once more looked away. But Jim saw the smile again on that face and his smile turned into a silly grin as he held back his chuckle. He didn't want to make Spock think he was making fun of him.
It was just—he felt so light on his feet that he could float away.
And somewhere in the depts of his mind, it was starting to scare him.
"You and the hobgoblin friends then?" Bones asked as he walked into Jim's apartment, shrugging off his shoes, coat and scarf at the entrance. Jim grinned at Bones before he gestured the man to sit at the couch in the living room.
"Yeah," Jim said as he walked to the kitchen. "You want anything to drink?"
"Coffee," Bones said. "So, this is your apartment, huh? Spock lives in front of you?"
"Yeah," Jim said as he replicated coffee and brought it to Bones, handing the mug over. Bones took it and sipped on the coffee, grumbling a bit at how hot it was. Jim settled next to him, sighing. "I think we're good friends actually."
Bones glanced at him, raising his eyebrows. "Spock doesn't have good friends," Bones said.
"He doesn't?" Jim asked, sitting up to turn and look at Bones properly.
"Nah," Bones said as he placed the mug on the coffee table. "He doesn't often socialise with any of the crew besides Uhura."
"Huh," Jim said. "We had dinner together three nights ago. I cooked for him."
"You cooked…for Spock?" Bones asked, almost indecorously. "Well, whadya' know. You could be giving him feelings."
"He has feelings already, Bones," Jim said with a snort. "Stop being mean to him."
"Hah! Someone's a hobgoblin expert," Bones said but there was a lit of amusement in his voice that had Jim grinning again, cheeks flushing as he rubbed the back of his neck.
"Well," Jim said. "We've been hanging out a lot."
Bones stared at him for a while, his eyes darting all over his face until he sighed. "You didn't," Bones said as he stretching his hands out. "Jim…you didn't."
"Didn't what?" Jim asked, blinking at the odd look on Bones' face.
"You're in love with him," Bones said. Jim immediately recoiled from him, frowning.
"No," Jim denied. "What the hell, Bones?"
"What?" Bones said, shrugging. "You gonna really deny it, kid?"
"I just did," Jim said as he rolled his eyes and relaxed back on the couch. "I'm not in love with him."
"Bullshit," Bones said. "Want me to show you our comm text conversations? It's almost always about that hobgoblin."
"You're bullshitting me," Jim said as he crossed his arms against his chest, eyeing Bones. "I don't always talk about him."
Bones rolled his eyes and pulled out his comm, looking through the texts before he cleared his throat. "Exhibit A: Spock wore this shirt. It looks good on him, Bones. Exhibit B: I saw him today walking out of the apartment building but I couldn't get to him in time to say hi. Exhibit C: I wonder what Spock is doing though. Exhibit D—"
"Okay! Okay, stop reading those!" Jim said as he tried to snatch the comm away, only for Bones to pocket it and away from Jim's hands. "Fine, so I talk about him." His face was red and he avoided looking at the doctor, who had a smug smile on his face. "Don't make me punch your face, Bones."
"Kid, he's a Vulcan," Bones said. "You can't fall for him."
"I'm not falling for him," Jim grumbled. "He's a really good friend."
"You don't look like you want to be just his friend though," Bones pointed out. Jim thinned his lips and then took in a deep breath, running his fingers through his hair.
"Okay," Jim said, sighing before he looked at Bones in the eyes. "I think he's cute. That's it!" Jim pointed at Bones before he could speak. "That really is it."
"I am calling your bluff," Bones said. "Calling all of your fucking lies out."
"Shut up, Bones," Jim said. "I don't…Even if I love him—or in love with him, I can't do anything about it. If you haven't noticed—you all have one week left here for shore leave."
Bones sobered a bit, looking grim all of a sudden as he looked at Jim. He placed a hand on Jim's shoulder and squeezed, scooting closer. "I didn't forget," he said and then sighed, pulling his hand away. "Kid, it sucks we have to leave so soon and I am going to miss you."
Jim smiled at him and leaned in close. "Is that a confession I hear?" he teased, earning a hard shove that caused him to almost topple off the couch. He laughed as he rubbed his arm. He sighed afterwards, the smile waning and disappearing. "I'm gonna miss you guys too."
"I wish you could come aboard with us, kid," Bones said.
Jim didn't say it out loud that he wished he could come too. He didn't want to be away from them. They were the closest thing to a family he got and it might be too soon to call them that but—they were the first people Jim found that didn't treat him like he was a failure or anything special.
They treated him like Jim. Just Jim.
"Ah, like I said," Jim said. "So, I'm not in love with him."
Bones gave him a sceptical look before he shook his head. "You're damn stubborn when you want to be, you know that?"
Jim grinned happily at that.
"That's not a goddamn compliment!" Bones said.
"Aww, Bones," Jim said.
"Goddamnit, kid!"
Jim lied on his bed, staring at the ceiling. What Bones had said echoed in his mind and he frowned. There was no way he was in love with Spock. He knew his heart acted up a lot whenever he was with Spock but that didn't mean he was suddenly in love with the half-Vulcan.
His heart ached at the thought that he wouldn't be able to see Spock anymore after this week. Maybe in the next five years they would meet again but Jim didn't want to think that Spock might not recognise him anymore, might not remember him.
If that happened, Jim wouldn't know how to feel about that. His heart throbbed against his chest. He groaned loudly as he thumped the back of his head against the pillow. Was his heart serious?
There was fear coiling at the pit of his stomach and when he closed his eyes and thought about Spock, he couldn't help but to feel his breath catching at the back of his throat. He immediate sat up, rubbing his face and harshly messing up his hair. He looked at his lap and wondered if Spock was feeling the same thing as he was.
He wondered if his heart was hurting too at the thought they wouldn't get to meet again after this week.
Jim's heart ached even more and he took in a shuddery breath, the fear started to melt into his veins. He couldn't believe it, he thought bitterly.
He wasn't in love with Spock.
But he was falling for him.
Which fucking sucked because there was no future for them as anything more than friends. They didn't even have much time left and this was Spock. There was no way the half-Vulcan would even develop feelings for him in such a short time.
Jim had always felt cautious about his heart and who he trusted but right now, he was free falling so fast he hadn't even realising he had tripped over and fallen over the edge. He took in a sharp breath. When he landed, it was going to be fucking painful and it was going to break him because Spock wasn't going to catch him.
Pushing himself out of bed, he walked out of the room and headed to the kitchen, just to replicate something to drink. But then he changed his mind and just stood in front of the replicator, staring at it for a second. He sighed loudly.
Why did Bones have to say that? Now he couldn't stop thinking about it and the thought of loving Spock scared him shitless. He didn't want to love Spock, not when he knew it would end badly. How could it not? Jim was nowhere near his league.
Rubbing the back of his neck, he decided he would clear his head with some fresh air, his apartment feeling stuffy all of a sudden. His mind occupied, Jim shoved his feet into a pair of sneakers and walked out of his apartment in nothing more than a thin t-shirt and a pair of pyjama pants.
When he walked out of the apartment and closing his door, he looked at the closed door of Spock's apartment. He stared at it for a while, his heart aching again in his chest. He clenched his shaking fingers into fists and walked away to the elevator. He waited for the doors to open and walked inside, pressing on the ground floor button and then leaned his entire body against the wall.
The coolness from the metal seeped into his skin and it made him shiver. But it wasn't enough for him to stop thinking about Spock and how adorable he looked when he flushed green and how Human he was despite acting like a Vulcan he had every right to be.
"Why is this happening to me?" Jim asked himself as he walked out of the elevator once it reached the lobby. He regretted not bringing a jacket when he walked out and the cold breeze caught him off guard. Rubbing his arms to get some kind of warmth, Jim ignored the cold bite and walked.
Spock was different from how Jim thought him to be. Spock was—interesting and amusing. Everything he did was logical and systematic and then he would look at Jim in that mock annoyance whenever Jim messed up his carefully ordered system.
Jim didn't want to have much hope whenever he caught Spock staring at him with warm eyes. He didn't want to fall for him neither did he wanted to acknowledge that Spock's emotions sometimes influenced his own emotions. Which should be absurd and stupid because nobody fell for someone this fast.
Jim didn't believe in love at first sight.
God, was this hero-worship?
But no, that wasn't it. Not when he couldn't help but to remember how happy he was whenever he was with Spock. The half-Vulcan had wormed himself through Jim's defences and stayed and now, Jim realised with a heavy heart that he couldn't forget about him.
He knew Spock would be in his mind once he left after this week was done. And Jim wasn't looking forward to the lonely nights and dull days. He couldn't imagine going back to how his life was before Spock came around and messed him up with his eyebrows and secret smiles and humour.
Fuck. Fuck you, Bones, Jim muttered in his mind, even though he didn't blame the doctor. He was just mad at himself for letting this happen. He should have stopped his infatuation on the Vulcan the day he found out about it. Should have gone out and met someone—anyone.
"Jim?"
The blond looked up and held back a groan when he realised it was the last person he wanted to see.
"Spock," Jim said, giving him a fake smile as he stopped walking. "What are you doing here?"
Spock looked at him quietly, taking a step forward before he frowned when his eyes landed to Jim's hands that were clamped on his own arms. "You should not be out here without proper clothing."
Jim rolled his eyes. "I'm fine, Spock," Jim said. "The cold is refreshing."
Spock didn't look convinced and Jim watched how he stripped off his jacket and walked towards Jim until he was standing in front of him. The blond froze when the jacket was placed around his shoulders, Spock tugging the jacket a bit to cover Jim properly.
"You will be sick," Spock said, disapprovingly. Jim's heart started to race against his chest and he blushed as he touched the jacket, slipping his arms into them without another word.
"You're not cold?" Jim asked.
"Vulcans can adapt to drastic temperatures easier than Humans," Spock said in his lecture voice. Jim smiled and nodded, sighing, watching a cloud forming at the top of his lips. "Why are you out here, Jim?" Spock asked, his voice quiet.
Jim looked away and then gave him a shrug, the smell of Spock; incense and cinnamon, calmed Jim's mind and made him feel warm inside.
God, he was falling for Spock too fast.
It was scary.
"Just thinking," Jim said, his voice solemn.
"Do you wish to share your thoughts with me?" Spock asked. Jim froze at that question. He bit his bottom lip and then he looked at Spock, who looked back at him with blank eyes. They were cautious and filled with question and then Jim saw something like—care.
He felt his heart thumping again as he touched his chest, closing his eyes and taking in a deep breath. "Not really," he breathed out. "I'm sorry."
"It is unnecessary to apologise if you do not wish to talk about it," Spock said. He sounded careful and Jim hated whenever he sounded like that. He didn't want to hurt Spock but he really wanted his space as well.
"Why are you here?" Jim asked again. "It's really late."
"I heard you leaving and went to…," Spock said and then stopped. Jim looked at him and then shook his head.
"You were worried about me," Jim said, almost accusing. Spock opened his mouth for a while before he closed it.
"Yes," Spock said. "It seems I was."
Jim's eyes widened at that, his cheeks flushing darker when he saw how the dark eyes steeled and looked at him with something that Jim was afraid to admit. He cleared his throat and took a step back to give them some space, to which Spock frowned.
"Well, walk with me then," Jim said as he waved at him and turned to continue walking to the direction of the park.
Spock followed him immediately, his footsteps falling beside Jim.
They were silent as they walked and Jim kept his gaze up at the sky, watching the stars twinkle. They looked peaceful up there like they had nothing to worry about and Jim wondered if he would feel like that too if he went up there. There were invisible strings in his chest that tugged at that and this wasn't the first time Jim wondered what it would be like if he became a Starfleet officer that surpassed his father's shadows.
But that Jim was in another life.
This was Jim's life, down here on Earth. Where he slowly began to realise he wasn't content anymore and he was unhappy. And it figures that it took people who literally worked among the stars to make him realise that. Figures, Jim thought as he glanced at Spock, it would take a Vulcan to make him realise what he could be missing.
They reached the park and Jim went to sit on one of the empty bench chairs, sighing as he continued to look at the sky even though the back of his neck hurt.
"The stars are beautiful," Jim found himself murmuring. Spock sat next to him before he too looked at the stars with Jim.
"Indeed they are," Spock said, not one ounce of his usual sass. Jim smiled at that, his eyes trained on one particular star. He reached his hand towards it before he closed his hand around it. He imagined what it would feel like to touch the stars.
He never once contemplated this too much until Spock came into his life and demanded answers to why Jim wasn't where he—where he was supposed to be. Huffing out humourlessly, he dropped his hand to his lap and looked to the ground, not realising his eyes watered.
"Have I chosen wrongly?" Jim whispered, his voice thick with emotions and his eyes watered even more.
"Jim?" Spock said, voice as quiet.
"I feel like I chosen wrongly," Jim said as he looked up and ahead, taking in a shaky breath. "I never once questioned my decision but suddenly…here I am. Doubting myself."
Spock didn't say anything but he shifted in his seat and Jim found that the half-Vulcan had shifted closer to him. They weren't touching but Jim was close enough to hear Spock breathing. It was unnerving and calming at the same time, causing his already conflicted emotions to become haywire.
He choked back a sob at the thought of the soul-crushing loneliness that would accompany him soon. He would never have this, not in this lifetime.
"You are crying," Spock remarked, sounding alarmed.
"I know," Jim said as he wiped his face but the tears kept coming as his heart continued to deflate. "I'm just being illogical."
Then, Jim felt a hand touching his shoulder before Spock's arm draped around him. Jim tensed, heart beating heavily against his chest as he snapped to look at the half-Vulcan, who looked uncomfortable but still determined at the same time.
"What…," Jim said. "What are you doing?"
"I am," Spock said, pausing for a bit. "I am attempting to—hug you as a method of comforting you."
Jim blinked as the tears once more gathered in his eyes. "You don't have to do it if you don't want to," Jim said, trying to pull away. Before he could pull away, Spock had closed the distance and wrapped the arm around his shoulders, dragging him close and turning him a bit until Jim's face was smashed against the half-Vulcan's shoulder.
"I do want to," Spock said against his hair. "Forgive me if I am not good at hugs."
Jim's heart beat raced and he felt his hands trembling. "You don't like touching though," Jim said, voice shaky as he tried to comprehend what was happening.
"I do not mind," Spock said, his voice quiet. "If it is you."
Jim closed his eyes and felt his heart breaking, shattering into pieces. Why must Spock act this way? Why couldn't he be his usual stoic logical self? Why was he doing this to Jim?
"I don't need hugs," Jim whispered against his shoulder.
"It seems you do," Spock said. Jim relaxed after that, the energy zapping away from his body as he slumped against the half-Vulcan. He brought one of his hands and clutched on Spock's shirt, bunching it up in his fist. Tears fell down his face as he buried his face against the shoulder.
"I'm sorry," Jim breathed out and Spock brought a hand to touch the back of his hair. He shuddered when he felt the hand patting his head as if he was a child and Jim couldn't help but to feel warm at the gesture. His heart breaking and mending so much that he was so confused.
This wasn't supposed to happen.
Jim wasn't supposed to let himself feel like this for Spock.
"Don't read my thoughts," Jim said, almost absent-mindedly. Spock froze for a second before he huffed a breath, resuming his patting.
"I have my mind shields up," Spock said. Jim smiled a bit as he nodded against him, inhaling Spock's scent and trying to calm himself from crying. They remained like that until Jim felt like he had cried everything out. His heart felt raw and his body shook every time he exhaled, from the cold and from exhaustion. Jim pulled away from Spock and the half-Vulcan let him, pulling his hands away from Jim, looking at him in the eyes, searching his face.
"Thanks," Jim said as he wiped his face and then looked at the drenched shirt on Spock's shoulder, grimacing. "Sorry about that."
"It does not matter," Spock said, his eyes still on him. "Do you feel better?"
"A bit, yeah," Jim said. "I'm sorry, I guess I'm just guessing myself for a while."
"If you need someone to talk to, Jim," Spock said. "I can be of help."
"I know," Jim said as he looked at the half-Vulcan and smiled, a bit bitter and sad. "You've been a great help for me just now. You're a great friend, Spock."
"Indeed," Spock said. "I do not wish for you to feel pain, Jim."
"Unfortunately, that is inevitable," Jim said, trying to joke even though it fell flat judging by the worry in those brown eyes. "Spock, I'll be fine."
"Jim," Spock said. "You will talk to me if you need to, would you not?"
"Yes, I will," Jim said. But you won't always be here, Spock. In one week, you'll be gone.
"Do you want to go back now?" Spock asked. Jim nodded as he stood up. Before he could walk away, Spock had touched the jacket, tugging it closer so Jim was bundled up properly. Jim felt his cheeks reddening again, looking away from the half-Vulcan.
Damnit, Spock.
Jim was getting jittery as more time flew by and the closer it was for the week to end. Jim had messed up so many times at work that his boss had gotten fed up and fired him and Jim didn't even have the energy to feel upset. The blond's head was a mess, getting less and less sleep the closer the week was coming to an end. He felt like he was grasping at straws.
Suddenly, all he could think about was Starfleet and how much better it would have been if he had gone to the academy and met his friends that way. Suddenly, he wanted nothing more but to fix that mistake so he could see them again.
Suddenly, Jim couldn't help but to think about joining, thinking about how different his life would have been if that happened—how…how it would have been possible to be with Spock then.
He shook his head from the thoughts as he stared at the pavement he was walking on. He didn't know what he was doing here, wandering from one street to the next while he could be spending his time with Spock or Bones or heck, even Scotty, Sulu and Chekov—maybe Uhura if she wanted to join them.
But all Jim did today was avoiding going home since he got laid off from work, just thinking of possibilities and what if's scenarios that would make no difference to him now.
He stopped in front of a computer cafe, biting his inner cheek at that. His fingers shook as he clenched them into fists. Before he could even think about it, he walked inside and paid to use one of the computers, sitting down in front of it and frowning at what the hell he was doing.
He had promised himself he wouldn't regret not choosing Starfleet—was he going to go there?
All because of Spock?
But no, it wasn't just for Spock either.
He felt empty inside for so long, thinking he had been okay all this while until Spock and Bones crashed into his life. He sighed as he rubbed his face, licking his dry lips, scolding himself for being a coward. Since when was he such a loser?
Wasn't he the one who could get any guy or girl he wanted with just a smile?
Wasn't he the one who preached of win-win scenarios?
Wasn't he James Tiberius Kirk—his father's son who saved everyone by sacrificing himself?
He steeled himself as he entered the Starfleet's main website before he clicked on the apply now button. He hesitated for a second when the form page loaded. He read through the qualifications, knowing he met each and every one of them without fail.
And then—he felt nervous.
The bravado from before drained away the longer he stared at the form.
Fuck, he said as he closed the window and got out of the seat, walking out of the cafe. He ran his fingers through his hair, feeling weary and frustrated at himself.
"Why the fuck is this happening to me now?" he asked.
He looked at the sky and took in a deep breath, shaking his head.
"Dad, what the fuck am I doing?" he whispered.
"Do it," Bones said, eyes wide. "Fucking do it, Jim."
"I," Jim said as he rubbed his face, leaning the back of his head against the couch. "I don't know, Bones. It's just a thought."
"Fuck that doubt," Bones said. "You can do it, Jim."
"I don't know if I can though!" Jim said as he straightened himself, looking at his friend. "What if I can't, Bones? The whole reason why I didn't even want to join Starfleet is because I don't want to be fucking compared to my dad who I never met. What if I failed that expectation, Bones?"
The doctor quietened before he stood up and sat on the coffee table in front of Jim, placing both of his hands on Jim's shoulders and squeezing.
"Then you fucking get back up and try again," Bones whispered, his eyes sharp and serious. "Are you telling me that you're a quitter, kid?"
Jim looked at him and sighed. "I'm not a quitter," Jim said. "It's easier said than done, Bones."
"Hell, did you think it was easy when my bitch of an ex-wife divorced me and left me with almost nothing?" Bones asked, making Jim to look at him. "It wasn't easy, Jim. But I got back up at the end of the day. It's worth fighting for something, and I fought and am still fighting for my daughter. What about you, Jim?"
Loneliness.
If Jim had to choose something to fight against, it would be against loneliness. To fight for something—a family that he knew the crew of Enterprise had made him feel. The need to belong and the feeling of being needed. That feeling—he could probably fight for.
"Myself," Jim breathed out as he touched Bones' knees. "I think I can fight for myself."
"And I say it's about time," Bones said as he dropped his hands, touching Jim's knees. "I think it's time you started fighting for yourself too."
Jim's eyes watered as he smiled at Bones, feeling the pain loosening a bit as he made up his mind. "Okay," he said. "God, I can't believe I'm going to do this. Look at me, I was so adamant not to put myself through the pressure—but here I am…going to do exactly that."
"You make your own name, Jim," Bones said. "From this past one month since I've known you, kid, you'll make it big."
"And you'll remain as my close friend?" Jim asked. He tried to sound funny but it just came out insecure. Bones rolled his eyes and slapped his knee.
"I have a feeling you'll always gonna be a pain in my ass, Jim," Bones said. "Ain't gonna get rid of you that soon."
"That's right," Jim said, smiling wider. "Stuck with me forever—and in three years, in space."
"Fucking hell," Bones said as he looked slightly pale. "You and me in space…I have a bad feeling about this."
Jim laughed and Bones glanced at him, smiling too. "Well, I do have a lot of allergies though, so you might want to keep a bunch of hyposprays for me."
"Good God," Bones said, good-naturedly. "I can't wait for you to become Captain."
"I will," Jim said, feeling this renewed self-confidence entering his body. "Enterprise will be mine."
Bones' eyebrows raised. "Looking forward to it. I really don't like the new Captain. He fucking acts like he knows everything."
Jim grinned. "I heard about that from Spock."
Bones looked at him pointedly that has him dimming his smile into a genuine one. "I'm probably going to get my heart broken," Jim said. "But I do love him."
Bones opened his mouth before he closed it and shook his head. "When that happens, I'll let you drink some of the Romulan ale I got stacked in my Sickbay."
"Thanks," Jim said.
"You're a strange kid, Jim," Bones said.
"Aww," Jim breathed out, touching his chest.
Bones scowled.
"That's not a fucking compliment, goddamnit!"
When Jim woke up this morning, he felt this sudden heaviness in his chest, realising it was the last day before everyone had to leave tomorrow morning for the start of the five-year mission. He stumbled out of bed and took a shower and dressed up without much thought, going through his motions without much enthusiasm.
He closed his eyes when he felt the back of his eyes prickling when he heard his comm beeping and messages from Sulu and Scotty, asking him to meet with them for lunch. He replied an affirmative and sighed, wiping his eyes as he walked out of his apartment, meeting with Spock immediately as he stood in front of his own apartment door, leaning against it.
Jim closed the door behind him and watched how Spock pushed himself from the door and took a few steps towards Jim.
"I'm guessing we're going to the lunch together then?" Jim said, trying to smile but failing when Spock didn't react to him. With a curt nod, Jim walked to the elevator, Spock following him quietly. "You're quiet," Jim said, seeing Spock flinch from the metal doors.
"I am fine," Spock said.
"Fine has many variables," Jim quoted Spock, smiling at him again. Spock raised his eyebrows as he looked at Jim, the corners of his lips twitched upward. He could still make him smile, Jim thought.
"Indeed it does," Spock agreed. Then, silence again and this time, the silence was filled with unasked questions and topics that Jim was too afraid to touch. But Spock addressed one of them anyway, frowning as he did so. "We have not met for the past one point three days."
Jim laughed at the precise calculation and shook his head. "Sorry, Spock," Jim said. "I was kinda busy."
He was busy, trying to fill in the form and sending it off. It had taken Jim two hours and with Bones' final slap on his shoulder, he had sent the form to the academy. The suspense died the minute he sent it, anticlimactic and he felt a bit disappointed at that. Had that been all?
Now, he felt a bit better. He was confident he could get into the academy and yet, he couldn't deny that there was still a bit nervousness at the back of his mind wondering what would happen if he got rejected. He sighed as he pushed that thought from his mind, walking into the elevator.
"I see," Spock said and Jim looked at him, noting the tensed shoulder. They had yet to speak about that night where Spock hugged him. Jim still flushed at that thought and had admitted to himself late at night that he felt safe when Spock had his arms around him. Half of Jim had wanted those arms on him again but he knew he couldn't ask for that.
He knew not yet.
Not yet—not until he got into Starfleet and completed the three years track.
Not until then. And—if Spock had found someone else by then…Jim stopped himself there.
"I wasn't avoiding you, Spock," Jim said as he placed a hand on Spock's arm. The tenseness immediately left his body and Jim smiled at that, at how ease Spock was with him. It was a pity they couldn't explore this more. "I really was busy."
"I had thought," Spock said and then stopped. "When I had touched you—"
"It's fine," Jim quickly said, refusing to let Spock to regret it. He didn't want Spock to regret it because Jim didn't. Spock looked at him, surprised.
"You did not mind?" Spock said.
Jim felt his face flushing as he squeezed Spock's arm. He took in a deep breath and looked at Spock's eyes. "No, I didn't mind it," he said and held back the urge to look away. "I…liked it. I felt safe in your arms."
With that said, he closed his mouth and looked away. He pulled his hand away and put a distance between them when the elevator doors opened. He glanced at Spock and flushed even redder when Spock had a weird look on his face as he stared at the blond.
"I," Spock said as he walked out of the elevator with Jim. "Am glad I can make you feel safe."
"Only you," Jim muttered under his breath as he flashed a smile at Spock. The half-Vulcan seemed to be scrutinising him and his cheeks greened, earning another smile from Jim.
"Then perhaps you would like to share what you have been doing when you did not meet with me," Spock said, his voice cool but his eyes betrayed the curiosity. Jim grinned at him at that and shook his head.
"Sorry, Spock," Jim said. "It's classified for now."
"Classified, Jim?" Spock said, confusion coloured the eyes.
"I can't tell you yet," Jim said. He patted Spock's shoulder and then walked away, Spock following after a while.
"I see," Spock said, sounding contemplative. Jim nodded at him and refused to let himself look at Spock in fear he might blurt out something he shouldn't and wasn't ready to tell him yet. He didn't tell anyone but Bones that he had applied to Starfleet and he wouldn't either.
Not yet.
"Jim!" Chekov said with a bright smile as he waved at Jim. The teenager then pointed at the empty seat next to him at a big table. Jim flashed him a smile in return and went to sit next to Chekov, sighing.
"You came with Spock," Sulu said with surprise.
"Yeah, he's my neighbour," Jim said and Uhura chuckled.
"I didn't know that, Spock," she said and Spock simply sat next to Uhura, stiff.
"I did not see how it was relevant to you, Nyota," Spock said, calm. Ah, her name was Nyota, it seemed.
"I thought we're friends," Uhura said as she slapped Spock's shoulder. Jim blinked at her, realising she had touched Spock. He frowned a bit at that and looked away to Bones who was yawning and rubbing the back of his neck.
"I'm so fucking hungry," Bones said. "We can finally order!"
"Doctor," Chekov said, a frown on his face. "Curzing iz bad."
Bones looked at Chekov annoyed. "I'm not even going to answer that," Bones muttered. Jim bit back a laugh but he still earned Bones' glare.
"Don't make me hypospray your ass," Bones grumbled, causing Sulu to bark out a laugh. Uhura looked amused meanwhile Spock still looked stiff.
"I love it when you talk like that, Bones," Jim said as he sighed dreamily. "It makes me feel loved."
Bones rolled his eyes as he looked at the menu. Jim chuckled and looked to see Spock looking at him. Jim smiled at him and Spock looked away to the menu in his hands. He wondered what that was about and shrugged that thought from his mind.
They quickly ordered their dishes and started to talk, occasionally cracking a joke here and there.
And then, after a while, the mood turned solemn when Uhura sighed.
"You're quite a good guy, Jim," she said, startling him from his thoughts. He smiled at her, his eyes sparkling at her compliment.
"Yeah?" he said and Uhura rolled her eyes.
"Don't make me regret telling you that," she said as she pointed at him. Then, she frowned, a look of sadness covered her face. "But I do wish I had more time to get to know you."
"You're really smart, lad," Scotty said as he slapped Jim's back. "We'll keep in touch with yer."
"I'm gonna miss you, Jim," Sulu said, smiling sadly at him. "At least you seem to like botany."
"Hey, plants," Bones said. "Enough said."
Sulu rolled his eyes but he didn't look offended.
"We won't forget about you, Jim!" Chekov said, his eyes watering a bit, breaking Jim's heart. "We will contact you alwayz."
"Of course we will," Uhura said. "You're not going to escape us that easily, farm boy."
Jim felt embarrassed that his own eyes were tearing up. He took in a deep breath as he shook his head. "Didn't think I would be friends with the crew of Enterprise," he said with a weak chuckle. "You guys suck sometimes with your lame jokes—but so do I and we fit well, don't you think?"
"We sure do," Sulu said.
"It's nice to have an addition to this family, Jim," Scotty said. "We won't let yer down."
"You guys never did," Jim muttered as he wiped his eyes. "God, I'm not even a cry baby."
"Look at that, you have other emotions besides smug and cheeky," Uhura teased and Jim cracked a grin at her.
"Ah, alright, enough!" Bones said, effectively killing the mood with his grouchiness. "You guys are making me sick. Enough with the fluffs already. Jim, gonna miss you too but don't you fucking think you're escaping my hyposprays."
"That," Jim said as he furrowed his eyebrows, unsure of how to take that. "To be honest, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to feel happy about that."
Bones snorted, earning a chuckle from Scotty and a laugh from Sulu. Uhura snickered too. "It means he likes you, Jim," Sulu added.
"Shut up, Sulu," Bones grouched. "You have a physical due the minute we're back on the ship."
Sulu paled. "No," he breathed out, horrified. Bones grinned. He looked deadly. Sulu cowered.
Jim snorted in amusement before his eyes found Spock's, who was looking at him with those molten brown eyes, warm and calming. Jim's own heart swelled at that as he smiled at the half-Vulcan. "You're going to miss me too, right?" he asked Spock.
The half-Vulcan simply continued to stare at him until he said, "Vulcans do not miss, Jim."
Jim's smile widened at that because he knew what Spock really meant with that.
Soon, the food arrived and everyone ate, continuing on with the talk until they had to leave. They all tackled Jim into a hug before they waved him goodbye, even Uhura at the end had given him her number. She smiled at him before she eyed Spock and left, leaving Bones and Spock with Jim.
"Well," Bones said as he kicked his feet on the ground. "This is it, kid."
Jim felt his heart ache at that as he took a step forward and then tackled Bones into a tight hug, burying his face against his shoulder. Bones hugged him back just as fiercely.
"I'll meet you there at Enterprise," Jim whispered against his shoulder and Bones laughed, patting his back.
"You better, kid," Bones said back before he pulled away. Jim smiled at him before he looked at Spock, who was standing as stiff as a rod and furrowed eyebrows. There was a small frown on his face causing Jim to frown at that.
What happened to Spock?
"See you, Jim," Bones said as he looked at Jim one last time, patting his shoulder and smiling. Jim waved at him as he watched Bones leave, his heart hurting.
But it was fine. Jim would meet him again soon.
He looked at the half-Vulcan standing beside him, hands clasped behind his back and staring at where Bones had stood. "You okay?" Jim asked, placing a hand on Spock's shoulder.
"I am," Spock said as he looked at Jim, the frowning melting away. Jim smiled at him and nodded.
"So, what should we do?" Jim asked, looking around him. "Last day to hang out, Spock."
"I have been meaning to ask but do you play chess?" Spock asked. "I had seen a chess set when I was at your place eating dinner."
Jim beamed brightly at that suggestion. "Yeah, I play chess," Jim said. "You play it too?"
"Yes," Spock said. "Would you like to play a game with me?"
Jim grinned. "Of course, Spock."
Jim was in Spock's apartment, sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table where the chess set was placed. Spock sat opposite of him, assembling the chess pieces. Jim watched his face, calm and collected, no hint of any emotion peeking through.
"Which side would you like to be?" Spock asked.
"Anything," Jim said with a shrug. At the end, he chose the black and looked at the board, ready for the game. Nobody said anything as they played, Jim realising very quickly that Spock was skilled in this and Jim had to think of new tactics to defeat him.
It was fun, Jim concluded. Even though they didn't speak much, it was fun. It calmed Jim down and made him forget for a while that Spock wouldn't be here anymore. That thought jarred him back to reality harshly as he flinched when he picked up his pawn to move.
Spock noticed his flinch and looked at him, his eyes filled with emotion.
"Last day," Jim found himself muttering. "I don't like it."
Spock made a move on the chess seat and said, "I am inclined to agree for I do not anticipate for tomorrow as well."
Jim chuckled at that. "I wish you could stay longer," Jim said, sighing a bit.
"It is illogical to wish for something like that when it cannot be obtained," Spock said, his voice quite. "But I find myself thinking the same."
Jim's heart skipped a beat at that. He took a chance at glancing at Spock from his chess set and was startled to see the brown eyes staring at him. Jim froze and stared right back, his fingers clenching tight into fists before he brought them on his lap.
"Really?" Jim asked, cheeks reddening as he broke eye contact. "I mean…"
"Really," Spock said. Jim felt a smile threatening to burst on his lips but he bit his bottom lip, refraining to do so.
Jim's smile dimmed after that when there was the familiar dull ache in his chest. Loneliness was threatening to consume his mind and body once more and in the next few hours, that was going to happen. What if three years was too long? What if Spock forgot about him after all and found someone?
He disliked that thought as he frowned, clenching his fists even harder.
"Don't forget about me," he said. He felt stupid and insecure saying that but he had valid fears. Everyone he dared to love left him. He didn't want that to happen with Spock. Even if they were just friends—he didn't want to see him leave him behind. Jim wanted—for the first time in his life—he allowed himself to want someone so much he was willing to wait for them.
He was letting his heart soar so high and he was terrified that it would plummet to the ground without a safety net and shatter into pieces.
Spock tensed at that, his eyes sharpened. "I will not forget about you, Jim," Spock said before his eyes softened.
"I won't either," Jim said as he lost interest in the game, looking at Spock and then patting the empty place next to him. Spock didn't hesitate to move and sat next to him, close enough that their thighs brushed. "I'll miss you a lot, Spock."
"I will too, Jim," Spock admitted.
"I thought Vulcans don't miss," Jim said, voice humourless.
"Jim," Spock said, his voice low. Jim looked at him and realised that Spock's face was close to him. He wasn't jolting away though, in fact, he relished in the closeness, his heart burning so much and the tight grip in his stomach turned into lead. "I will miss you."
Jim closed his eyes and shook his head. "One month isn't enough," Jim breathed out, looking away as his eyes watered again.
"It is not sufficient to know you," Spock said.
Jim sucked in a sharp breath when he felt a hand touching his shoulder. "Am I one of the rare ones?" Jim asked and looked back at Spock.
Jim knew by the look in Spock's eyes that the half-Vulcan had understood what he meant.
What he was afraid to ask.
What he truly wanted to know.
Was he the only one Spock allowed to touch so freely? Was he the rare ones that was allowed to see Spock's emotions? Was he?
Jim's skin warmed when Spock touched his cheek, his fingers arranging in a way that cradled his jaw. Spock gently pulled Jim closer until their noses touched. Jim's breath hitched as he placed a hand on Spock's shoulder, eyeing the dark orbs.
"You are the only one," Spock breathed out. Jim closed his eyes when he felt Spock's lips brushing against his and Jim's self control snapped. He kissed Spock hard, wrapping his arms against Spock's neck as he let himself to be pulled by the waist to sit on Spock's lap.
Jim threaded his fingers through the black hair, kissing Spock back with as much intensity as he could, pouring out how much he loved Spock, how much he could love Spock into the kiss and he felt Spock reciprocating them. His heart swelled and he was losing his breath, but he didn't care.
Not when Spock held him like this and kissed him like he was his only one.
Not when Jim had felt so safe.
"No one else," Spock breathed out when Jim broke apart. They were both breathing harshly, their noses brushing as their eyes met and locked. Jim felt one of Spock's hand had travelled under his shirt, his palm at the small of his back, just there, caressing the skin.
Jim shook his head as he leaned in close and plastered their foreheads together. "We can't," he breathed out. "You're leaving tomorrow."
"I cannot find it in me to care about that as of the moment," Spock said, his voice hushed and raw, sending a shiver down Jim's spine.
Jim nudged their noses together before he sighed. "I don't want you to leave, Spock," he said and closed his eyes, feeling tears gathering at the corners. "I don't want to feel lonely again."
"You will not," Spock said as touched Jim's face, nudging his chin to look at him properly. "You will not be alone any longer."
"But you're leaving," Jim said, breath hitching when the hand on his back pushed him closer against Spock. "You'll find someone better than me. I can't have that, Spock."
Spock kissed him again, fiercely, causing Jim to groan under his breath and kissed him back, the tears ran down his face. "Only you, ashayam."
Jim choked at a sob and hugged him, burying his face against his shoulder while Spock nosed his hair. "Long-distance never works out."
"It will with you and me," Spock said. "Will it not?"
Jim pulled back, looking at Spock in the eyes for a while. Jim leaned against the touch of his hands wiping away his tears. "You really want this, don't you?" Jim asked.
"I do," Spock said. "I did not realise it until that night where I hugged you."
"I thought it would be illogical, you know, falling for someone who you've known less than a month," Jim said, smiling bitterly. Spock shook his head and caressed Jim's cheeks.
"It is often illogical when it comes to you, I found," Spock said. "And I also found that I do not mind it."
Jim's heart skipped a beat at that as he touched Spock's hands and squeezed them tight. "I'm scared, Spock," Jim said. "What if we don't make it?"
"It is a risk to take," Spock said. "But it will not be a decision I will come to regret."
"Wait for me," Jim said as he looked at Spock in the eyes. "Wait for me. Promise me."
"I will promise you," Spock said as he brought their noses together. "I will wait for you."
"And I'll wait for you," Jim promised. "Hold me before morning comes," he breathed out and Spock gave him one of those rare smiles.
"I treasure you," Spock said and Jim kissed him again.
Spock kissed him back and Jim let him make him feel all the things he wouldn't be able to feel for quite a while. Still, he relished on Spock's attention and kisses and touches, begging the half-Vulcan to be with him in every way until he was raw inside. He hadn't confessed to Spock, he didn't say he loved him neither did Spock but Jim knew from one look in Spock's eyes as he laid on his bed with the half-Vulcan on top of him that he knew.
That Spock knew and when he leaned and kissed him slowly, their fingers intertwining against the bedsheets, Jim knew that Spock felt the same way.
And by tomorrow, it would be put to a halt until Jim came for him.
"Don't ever forget about me," Jim breathed out, feeling Spock's lips against his neck.
"I will not," Spock breathed out against his neck and it felt like a promise.
Jim held onto that promise like a lifeline.
3.5 YEARS LATER
Jim took in a deep breath, standing at StarBase 6, waiting for U.S.S Enterprise to energise him on their ship. It had been a long three years but here he was at last, ready for his first ship. Jim didn't think this day would ever come but here he was.
"Enterprise to Lieutenant Kirk," Scotty's voice came through.
"Kirk here," Jim said, a grin on his face.
"Well, Jim," Scotty said, his voice held the same excitement as he was feeling. "This is it, lad! I cannot believe it! You're here!"
Jim laughed as he nodded. "I'm here, Scotty," he said with a deep breath. "I'm finally here."
"Aye, ready to beam up?" Scotty asked.
"As ready as I'll ever be," Jim said as he held onto his suitcase tight.
"See ye in a bit, Jim," Scotty said and the comm cut off. Jim pocketed his comm and looked around the star base one last time before he felt his molecules being scrambled and transported. When he was materialised on the pad of the Transporter Room, he grimaced at the slight taste of metal on his tongue.
"Yuck," he said and looked head, meeting the eyes of Scotty, who was grinning widely at him. Jim's eyes moved away from Scotty to look at the captain, who was looking at Jim with calculative eyes. Jim felt a bit weird under his gaze but then he introduced himself as the Captain and welcomed him aboard the ship. Jim thanked him and watched how without another word, the Captain left.
Huh.
Jim didn't like the Captain already and he mused, amused. Too happy to really get offended by the Captain. He was here. Finally, here!
Jim breathed out before his eyes landed on the figure who had stood beside the Captain. His eyes met with the stormy brown ones and he shrunk a bit at how cold they were.
"Lieutenant Kirk," he said, clipped. "Welcome aboard the ship."
"Thank you, Commander," Jim said, giving him a smile to which the First Officer of the ship simply stared at. Okay, so Spock was angry with him. "Uh…surprise?"
Before Spock would say anything, Jim was tackled into a hug by Scotty. He laughed and hugged Scotty tight. Even if his friends had kept in contact with him, it was good to meet them in person again.
"I couldn't believe it when the Captain said we're going to have a new Lieutenant on board and that it was none other than Jimmy Kirk," Scotty said. "We didn't even know you were in Starfleet!"
"Yeah, well, nobody knew but Bones," Jim said and then brightened a bit at meeting the doctor. "Is he still threatening people with hyposprays."
"Aye," Scotty said as he grimaced, causing Jim to grin.
Jim nodded before he looked at Spock, who only continued to stare at him before he looked away. "Perhaps Mr Scott would be able to lead you to your quarters, Lieutenant," Spock said. Jim opened his mouth to say something but the half-Vulcan turned and left the room without another word. Jim felt a bit discouraged with that but he steeled his courage.
He knew it wasn't fair to Spock. He knew he should have told him but he didn't want to get his or Spock's hopes up. What if he didn't get into Enterprise? He couldn't have that. Even though they frequently talked through video calls, he knew it was a huge surprise for the half-Vulcan to see Jim on board the ship without even a word about it in their last video call.
Jim had wanted to surprise him and he bit his bottom lip, wondering if he had done the wrong thing. Shaking his head from that thought, he followed Scotty and grinned when Scotty showed him the quarters. It was small but it was adequate enough for him.
"It's good to have ye here, Jim," Scotty said, grinning widely as he slapped Jim's back. Jim chuckled and nodded. Afterwards, Jim unpacked his belongings before he headed to the turbo lift. When the turbo lift doors opened, he was pleasantly surprised to see Uhura inside. She looked at him once before she punched his shoulder.
"Ouch!" Jim said, rubbing his arm.
"You freaking jerk!" Uhura said. "You could've said something!"
"I wanted to surprise you guys!" Jim said, keeping the whiny tone away. Uhura sighed before her features softened.
"It was a surprise alright," Uhura said. "Can't say about everyone agreeing it's a pleasant surprise though."
Jim winced at the thought of Spock.
"Uh, yeah," Jim said before he rubbed the back of his neck. "Still…surprise?"
Uhura rolled her eyes before she hugged Jim, startling him for a bit before he hugged Uhura back. "It's good to see you again, Jim. Finally."
Jim grinned. "It's good to see you too."
"Bones is going to freak out when he sees you," Uhura said and Jim gave her a guilty smile. Her eyes narrowed before she punched him again. Jim groaned and rubbed his arm, knowing it would be bruised. "He knew!"
"He was the one who encouraged me," Jim said. Uhura sighed and rubbed her temples.
"Spock's probably sulking," Uhura muttered and Jim blinked at her.
"You knew?" he asked. Uhura looked at him and raised her eyebrows, causing Jim to splutter out in red. "I mean…about us?"
"Yes," Uhura said, flatly. "Hence the punch."
Jim resisted the urge to pout. "He'll…understand though, right?" Jim said. "I mean…I have a lot of explaining to do but—"
Uhura placed a hand on Jim's shoulder and squeezed. "You're an idiot and he's an idiot but you both work together well. He loves you, Jim. He'll understand."
Jim felt the coil of anxiousness loosening in his chest as he nodded. "Right. Thanks Uhura."
Uhura smiled and then she said with a deadly sweet voice, "Hurt him and I'll make sure no one finds your body."
Jim paled at that. "I'll keep that in mind." And then he added seriously, "I won't hurt him."
Uhura's face softened at that. "You better not."
Jim smiled. "He means a lot to me. I won't hurt him."
Uhura gave him a smile in return as she nodded. "That's all I needed to hear."
Jim entered the Sickbay, looking around the place before he spotted Bones, treating an Ensign, shoulders hunched and a scowl firmly on his face. The Ensign seemed to cower at his face and when Bones shooed him away, the Ensign rushed out of the bay without a second glance.
Jim snickered at that, causing the doctor to turn and look at him. Bones stood there and stared at him before his eyes widened. "Jim!" Bones said and the blond walked towards him, grinning widely.
"Still scaring off patients, I see," Jim said and before he could say anything else, he was dragged into a hug to which Jim hugged him back tight.
"You're here," Bones said, pulling away as his hands lingered on his shoulders. "Finally, kid."
"Finally," Jim agreed before he sighed and took in a deep breath. "It's nice to see the Enterprise in person. She's a beauty. I think I'm in love with her already."
"Don't let the hobgoblin hear that," Bones snorted as he took his hands away. "Have you seen him yet?"
"He was there at the Transporter Room," Jim said and scratched the back of his neck. "He didn't look happy."
"Vulcans never look happy, Jim," Bones said as he turned to walk to his office, Jim following him in. The Lieutenant took a seat on one of the empty chairs in front of the desk.
"He looks upset actually," Jim said. He chewed his bottom lip, feeling the guilt surging in him again at having hid this information from Spock. He knew the half-Vulcan had wanted to see him in person for a long time. After they had gotten together the day before Spock left for the five-year mission, Jim realised that maintaining a long-distanced relationship was harder than said.
Spock seemed to be sometimes at his wits end on some days when Jim felt lonelier than ever. They both had wanted to see each other in person so much. Jim just didn't want to tell Spock about his plans, knowing that even though Spock wouldn't say it, it would raise his hopes.
And what would happen if Jim didn't end up on Enterprise? Jim shuddered at that thought. He didn't want to see the look of disappointment on Spock's face.
So, he kept it a secret and now that he made it—he hoped Spock understood.
"Have you talked to him yet?" Bones asked.
"He just left me at the Transporter Room with Scotty," Jim said, feeling the urge to pout. "Hey, why weren't you greeting me on board?"
"I have work to do, Jim," Bones said with a roll of his eyes. "I was gonna call you over for a physical soon."
Jim paled at that as he stood up. "It was nice meeting you, Bones," Jim said. Bones grinned, wicked and looking scary. Jim took a step back.
"Jim, Jim, Jimmy boy," Bones said as he sighed. "Welcome to my domain, kid."
"I feel like I made a mistake coming here," Jim said.
Bones rolled his eyes again but there was a genuine smile on his face. "It's good to meet you in person again, kid," Bones said and then he scowled. "Get lost, I have work to do."
Jim snickered as he waved at Bones. "See ya at the Mess hall later."
Bones nodded and Jim walked away from his office, deciding he would look for Spock later. His shift was about to start and he better go ahead and finish his work before he chased down his lover.
Or—ex-lover depending on how pissed Spock was. Jim hoped it didn't get to that.
Jim was a bit upset that he couldn't track Spock down after his shift. He had gone to the Mess hall immediately after and was dragged into a hug by Sulu and Chekov, ushering him to sit down with them and talking to him before Bones joined in their group, grumbling once in a while.
And afterwards, with a renewed sense of confidence, Jim had gone looking for Spock only to realise quickly that it was hard to track the half-Vulcan down. He sighed as he walked out of the turbo lift to his quarters. Maybe he would see him later, Jim mused as his heart clenched tight against his chest.
Jim looked upwards and at his quarters door when he froze. He blinked and took a ginger step forward when he saw Spock, standing near his door with his arms behind his back.
"Spock?" Jim said. Spock looked at him, his brown eyes boring into his blue ones. There were filled with emotions, some questions but mostly cautiousness. Jim looked away before he took a few steps forward until he was standing in front of the half-Vulcan. "Uh, hi."
"Jim," Spock greeted him. "Are you free at the moment?"
Jim grimaced at the tight tone and nodded, sighing. He gestured to his quarters door. "Come on, let's go inside," Jim said as he walked into his quarters, Spock following him a second later. When the door closed, Jim ordered for the lights to be up and he walked towards the replicator. "Do you want anything to drink?"
"Negative," Spock said as he stood at the entrance.
"Well, I think I need a glass of water," Jim muttered as he replicated himself that. He drank his water and sighed once more before he placed the empty glass on the table. He then turned around and look at the half-Vulcan, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.
"Why did you not tell me?" Spock asked, breaking the silence. Jim bit his bottom lip and looked at his lover.
"I didn't want to get your hopes up," Jim said. Spock furrowed his eyebrows, a frown on his face.
"Explain," Spock said, terse. Jim nodded once before he went to sit down on the edge of his bed.
"Please sit," Jim said as he patted at the empty space next to him. Spock hesitated before he walked to the bed and sat next to Jim.
"Explain," Spock said, turning to look at him.
"I didn't think I would get into Starfleet," Jim blurred out, looking at Spock with wide eyes. "I mean," Jim said. "I told you this before, didn't I? I didn't want to be in my father's shadows. Hence, I never wanted to join Starfleet. But…then I met you guys. I met Bones, I met you and I realised I chose wrongly."
Spock didn't say anything, instead, he continued to look at Jim.
"So, I…applied for Starfleet," Jim said and took in a deep breath, twiddling his thumbs.
"When?" Spock asked.
"Remember the day I told you it was classified when you asked me why I didn't hang out with you the other day?" Jim said, not clarifying anything further when Spock froze.
"You have applied to Starfleet the day before we established our romantic relationship," Spock said.
"Yeah," Jim said, meekly. "I—I didn't want to get your hopes or my hopes up, Spock. That's why I hid it from everyone. Heck, I wasn't even sure half of the time if I wanted to continue with Starfleet once I got in! I did though, every time you talked to me, every time I talked to my friends—it gave me a new sense of courage to continue on what I was doing."
"And yet, you have informed Doctor McCoy about your decisions," Spock said, his eyes sharp. Jim winced at the look as he looked at his lap.
"He was the one who encouraged me to apply," Jim said.
"So have I," Spock said. "I have asked you multiple times in the course of two point three weeks we have been friends to apply to Starfleet for you have the potential. You did not regard my encouragement as worthy and often dismissed it."
"I did not dismiss it!" Jim said as he snapped to look at Spock. "Spock, you were literally one of the reasons why I started to consider going to Starfleet!"
Spock's lips thinned and Jim could see the hurt in his eyes. Jim's heart broke and he looked away again. "I'm sorry," Jim said. "I really wanted to surprise you. I didn't think you would take it the wrong way. I never hid about anything else but this."
Spock looked away as well, both were silent. "I was so scared, Spock," Jim said. "When I kissed you that day, I didn't want to start anything between us because my future was so uncertain. I didn't want to drag you down with me. Besides, we only just met—I…I didn't think I was worth the trouble."
"Jim," Spock said, his voice soft and when Jim looked at him, his eyes were warm, filled with affection. Jim felt his breath hitching in his throat as he shuffled closer to Spock. "You have always been worth it."
Jim closed his eyes and took in a shaky breath. "I'm so sorry if I hurt you, Spock," Jim breathed out. A hand touched his face and he opened his eyes, immediately letting himself lean into the touch. "I'm sorry."
"You are forgiven," Spock said and Jim flung at him, wrapping his arms around the half-Vulcan and buried his face against his shoulder. Spock wrapped his arms around the blond and dragged him onto his lap, hugging him back. "You are illogical at times. Even if you had told me about this quest, I would have made a recommendation about you to the Captain so you could be transferred to Enterprise."
Jim hugged him tighter, feeling foolish now. "I'm sorry," he muttered. "Didn't think about that."
"Indeed, you have not," Spock said and his voice sounded fond. "I have missed you."
"I missed you too," Jim said as he pulled away a bit to touch Spock's face, caressing his cheeks. "I won't hide anything from you again."
Spock's lips twitched upwards before he raised one of his hands and touched Jim's own hand, their fingers caressing each other. "Do you wish to know how Vulcans kiss?" he asked.
Jim nodded and watched as Spock extended his forefinger and middle finger together. Jim copied his gesture and their fingertips met. Jim felt a small spark spreading around his hand and it made him smile, his cheeks reddening.
"That was amazing," Jim said and Spock nodded.
"It is often used between bond mates," Spock said. Jim looked at him, eyes searching his face before he took in a sharp breath, eyes wide.
"Bond…mates," Jim breathed out. "Spock, are you proposing to me?" he asked.
Spock's cheeks greened and he looked mildly embarrassed to which Jim cooed, chuckling under his breath. "Perhaps," Spock said. "If you are not adversed to it."
"That's forever with you, isn't it?" Jim asked, realising he liked that idea. Forever with Spock sounded nice. Spock nodded at him, eyebrows furrowing as some worry wormed into his eyes. Jim shook his head, not giving Spock time to regret the subtle proposal as he kissed the half-Vulcan as their fingers intertwined.
"I can get on board with that," Jim said as he pulled away, grinning at the slight dazed look on Spock's face.
Spock's eyes twinkled as he brushed Jim's hair from his forehead. "You are the only one for me, ashayam," Spock said.
"I love you," Jim said, heart warming when Spock smiled at him again, that small almost-a-not-smile-but-still-a-smile that spoke volumes.
"And I you," Spock said.
"I'm still your biggest fan, you know," Jim teased and was taken aback when he was pushed to his back, hands latching on Spock's shoulder when the half-Vulcan loomed over him, hands bracketing him in.
"It seems I have become your fan as well, Jim," Spock said and Jim laughed, looping his arms around Spock's neck and dragging him close to kiss him. Spock obligated and kissed him back, both revelling in each other's touch after so long.
Jim couldn't believe he got to have this.
All his life, he had been thinking it wasn't worth the trouble to change people's mind about him but now—because of one month three and a half years ago, Jim's entire life changed.
And Jim wouldn't have it any other way.
THE END