Hope the Hope Will Die
Standard disclaimers apply.
Warning: Angst. Shounen-ai. Lots of angst.
Notes: Just it me. Blame it on Shadow.
"..." is dialogue
-----------------------------------------------------
I sit lonely on the balcony, lost in my own dark thoughts.
My life's sap runs strong in my veins, carrying the life
I wish I could forsake.
"Duo?" A husky tenor asks. I don't look back to see who
it is, I know it to be my Japanese comrade.
"Yeah?" I chide myself. My very voice potrays my mental
state, the usually orange tone of insanity painted bleak
on the air.
"Are you alright?" He stands behind me, closer then I think
I want right now. Distantly I feel surprised at his concern,
but I suppose my behavior could warrent that. Usually I try
to hide it inward. The sky is black silk, highlighted with
stars. So beautiful, so far away, so cold. Like him.
"Do you ever..." I trail off. It seems like no one will ever
understand. There is a trace of my own arrogence in that,
because I find myself thinking I'm superior in my suffering.
I brush back a stray honey-colered bang. I wish I could
regain some of my old humor. It hides me from myself as
much as from everyone else. "Please leave."
"No," he states simply. If I was more sure in my own thinking
I would scream at him, yell that he'll never understand me,
my thoughts, my feelings, my self-hate and arrogence and
bitter hope... But I can't. I feel too tired, like I can't
move at all.
"Why the hell do you care?" I ask tersly. I want him to fill
the void in me with his caring. But he won't. He'll make me
fill it myself, that's why I love the bastard. "Just go away."
"What were you going to say?" I feel disconcerted, then I
remember. I don't speak for a while, listen to the ocean
lapping at the shores, the faint laughter and talking of
the students in the school we're staying at. Anything but
my thoughts.
"Do you ever think about the point of existence? Why there's
a will... I feel so feckin' normal asking this, we are
teenagers..." I turn my head into my shoulder. Great.
He'll think I'm not determined now. Though I do want
his thoughts on the matter.
"Yes. I start to think about it, but try to stop myself.
It's a bad topic for a soldier to think about," He says
flatly, though I detect a hint of wry humor in his voice.
He sits down beside me, and I shiver.
"True. I'm not really the best soldier. Good pilot,
bad soldier... There's so much weighing in. Even strong
things break, after a while... Do you ever think you'll
break?" I play with my braid absently.
"No. I have things to ground me. Find some." He says it
lightly, almost, like it should be no surprise.
"Like what? Religion? Religion has royally fucked me
Heero. God, so comforting. Helping you, and in almost
any religion you have a purpose that you're born with.
What's mine?" I laugh bitterly. "To kill?"
"No. To bring peace to a war-torn world. To... live.
Why do you really need a purpose?" He cocks his head,
as if perplexed. I realize with a start that he beleives
that. He lives each day like his last, why would he need
a purpose...
"I suppose you're right, in a way. There's always a sacrifice,
right? Yeah. Shouldn't be in vain." I say it listlessly, offhand.
It sounds true, if derpressing.
"You're not a sacrifce. Your, our death... is not guarenteed.
Live, Duo. Why are you so afraid? Why don't you go deeper into
life?" I wince, and he sighs. I always seem to forget that
Heero's an intuitive guy, he's always watching. One doesn't
notice the shy ones, I guess.
"Hypocrite," I hiss lowly. Heero just stared at me, I could
feel it on the side of my neck. I turn slowly to him,
and stormy blue eyes lock with deep indigo. "'Cause
death will always come for them. Or me."
"So? Life is not worth it if you don't live it. Pain is
irrelevent." Gods, that's so him. Got a point, if one I
don't feel like recognizing.
"Aa," I whispered. My eyes burn a little, as if staring
into the the blue of Heero's soul could sear into my mind.
"Aa."
------------------------------------------------------------
Hee hee.
-Kalli
Standard disclaimers apply.
Warning: Angst. Shounen-ai. Lots of angst.
Notes: Just it me. Blame it on Shadow.
"..." is dialogue
-----------------------------------------------------
I sit lonely on the balcony, lost in my own dark thoughts.
My life's sap runs strong in my veins, carrying the life
I wish I could forsake.
"Duo?" A husky tenor asks. I don't look back to see who
it is, I know it to be my Japanese comrade.
"Yeah?" I chide myself. My very voice potrays my mental
state, the usually orange tone of insanity painted bleak
on the air.
"Are you alright?" He stands behind me, closer then I think
I want right now. Distantly I feel surprised at his concern,
but I suppose my behavior could warrent that. Usually I try
to hide it inward. The sky is black silk, highlighted with
stars. So beautiful, so far away, so cold. Like him.
"Do you ever..." I trail off. It seems like no one will ever
understand. There is a trace of my own arrogence in that,
because I find myself thinking I'm superior in my suffering.
I brush back a stray honey-colered bang. I wish I could
regain some of my old humor. It hides me from myself as
much as from everyone else. "Please leave."
"No," he states simply. If I was more sure in my own thinking
I would scream at him, yell that he'll never understand me,
my thoughts, my feelings, my self-hate and arrogence and
bitter hope... But I can't. I feel too tired, like I can't
move at all.
"Why the hell do you care?" I ask tersly. I want him to fill
the void in me with his caring. But he won't. He'll make me
fill it myself, that's why I love the bastard. "Just go away."
"What were you going to say?" I feel disconcerted, then I
remember. I don't speak for a while, listen to the ocean
lapping at the shores, the faint laughter and talking of
the students in the school we're staying at. Anything but
my thoughts.
"Do you ever think about the point of existence? Why there's
a will... I feel so feckin' normal asking this, we are
teenagers..." I turn my head into my shoulder. Great.
He'll think I'm not determined now. Though I do want
his thoughts on the matter.
"Yes. I start to think about it, but try to stop myself.
It's a bad topic for a soldier to think about," He says
flatly, though I detect a hint of wry humor in his voice.
He sits down beside me, and I shiver.
"True. I'm not really the best soldier. Good pilot,
bad soldier... There's so much weighing in. Even strong
things break, after a while... Do you ever think you'll
break?" I play with my braid absently.
"No. I have things to ground me. Find some." He says it
lightly, almost, like it should be no surprise.
"Like what? Religion? Religion has royally fucked me
Heero. God, so comforting. Helping you, and in almost
any religion you have a purpose that you're born with.
What's mine?" I laugh bitterly. "To kill?"
"No. To bring peace to a war-torn world. To... live.
Why do you really need a purpose?" He cocks his head,
as if perplexed. I realize with a start that he beleives
that. He lives each day like his last, why would he need
a purpose...
"I suppose you're right, in a way. There's always a sacrifice,
right? Yeah. Shouldn't be in vain." I say it listlessly, offhand.
It sounds true, if derpressing.
"You're not a sacrifce. Your, our death... is not guarenteed.
Live, Duo. Why are you so afraid? Why don't you go deeper into
life?" I wince, and he sighs. I always seem to forget that
Heero's an intuitive guy, he's always watching. One doesn't
notice the shy ones, I guess.
"Hypocrite," I hiss lowly. Heero just stared at me, I could
feel it on the side of my neck. I turn slowly to him,
and stormy blue eyes lock with deep indigo. "'Cause
death will always come for them. Or me."
"So? Life is not worth it if you don't live it. Pain is
irrelevent." Gods, that's so him. Got a point, if one I
don't feel like recognizing.
"Aa," I whispered. My eyes burn a little, as if staring
into the the blue of Heero's soul could sear into my mind.
"Aa."
------------------------------------------------------------
Hee hee.
-Kalli