Author's Notes: I was digging around my stuff, when I came across this old piece of crappy rubbish. Basically, it was a random and rude thing I'd written in my youth. Completely messed up, random and rude, but surprisingly funny, even with my aged maturity :P
So, I popped it on Fan fiction, since you're obviously reading this now. So, enjoy!
Warnings: Lots of naughty swearing, stupid plot, stupidly stupid plot devices, World of Warcraft mentions, even more stupid plot devices and Optimus as a naughty villain. This stuff is messed up. Read at the risk of your Brain Cells.
The Fallen of Oz
Barricade felt very sick. The bright light wasn't helping.
His mind struggled to piece together stuff.
...
...
...
...
Oh yeah! He and the others had a drunken party! LOL. But this wasn't his room. It wasn't even the base! So where was he?
As he struggled to his feet, he saw that he was in a very colourful field. As in, rainbows-and-unicorns kind of colourful. Which leads to one question.
Where the Pit was he?
"Where the Pit am I!"
Don't copy me.
As Barricade looked around, he noticed there was a house behind him. He stared at it, noting the nicely coloured walls and neat roof, before realising something.
Something was behind him!
He spun round swiftly, his mace spinning and ready to slaughter. But it was-
"RAVAGE!" The police car yelped, promptly stopping his mace before he could squash the black cat, whom replied:
"Hi, Barri'. Do you know where we are?"
"No idea. Looks pretty gay though. Must have something to do with Ironhide."
"Burn."
"Yep."
"Hey look, there's a gay little pink town over there. Let's see if they have answers."
"Good idea!"
The two Decepticons set off for the gay little pink town. As they approached, a whole swarm of Bumblebee's suddenly appeared (much to Barricade's disgust) and all shouted.
"THEY KILLED THE BASTARDLY BOT OF THE EAST! HOORAY!" Barricade and Ravage stared at all the Bumblebee's celebrating.
"Primus plate-f***ing Cube..." Barricade said, eyes wide with horrified shock. A Bumblebee with a "Hi, I'm the Mayor." sash walked up to the duo.
"Congrats. You killed the evil Bastardly Bot of the East!" He said cheerfully, in that classic old Mayor voice.
"How?" Ravage asked. Mayor Bumblebee promptly pointed to feet sticking out from under the random house mentioned earlier.
"Your house landed on him. He has been terrorising the Land of Oz for ages. Drinking our beer, interrupting our parties, killing us and all."
"Cool. I kill even when I'm Pit-drunk insane!" Barricade bragged in that boastful manner of his, thumping his chest. Then, as he told stories of his epic powers to the femme bots gathered around them, there suddenly shined a really girly pink light. And would you imagine everyone's surprise when they saw that that inside the pink light was none other Starscream!
"Greetings, inferiors!" He bitched in his bitchy voice. "I am the Goody-Gumdrops Bot of the South! And you killed that evil bitch named Ironhide, the Bastardly Bot of the East!"
"Starscream?" The duo (Barricade and Ravage) gasped.
"Read my earlier statement, dumb n00b-z! I am the Good-"
"We get it. Shut up."
"Whatever. I read that you virgins ("I am not!" Barricade protested) are lost." Starscream bitched in his bitchy voice. "You must visit the Fallen of Oz! He'll sort your dumb bitch-asses out. But first, you must kill Optimus, the Pissed-off Prime of the West!"
Barricade and Ravage stared at each other. Their Air commander was a fairy, Ironhide was a drunk who'd got killed by a house, Bumblebee's reigned in their weird little cities and Optimus was a bad guy?
WTF was going on here?
"So, where is this Fallen of Oz?" Ravage asked, while Barricade stole the kick-ass pair of boots Ironhide was wearing and put them on.
"Your mum's house, kitten." Starscream bitched in his bitchy voice that makes everyone want to kill him. "Just follow this brick road and you'll find him."
"Follow the Yellow Brick road!" The Bumblebee's cheered. Ravage murdered one and ate him.
EPIC TIME-SKIP!
As Barricade and Ravage walked down the Yellow Brick road, they heard a sound that sounded like a sound that sounded like a sound of someone repeatedly hitting something.
Rounding a corner, they noticed none other then Brawl. The tank was repeatedly walking into a remarkably resistant wall, but he kept walking into it, a stupid grin on his face as he performed this stupid action, clearly representing the stereotype of stupid that was so often applied to the guy.
"Brawl? WTF are you doing?" Barricade asked, dumb-founded by how dumb Brawl was. The tank stared at the new arrivals, before grinning stupidly.
"I'm trying to get into this cinema." He said cheerfully, in that stereotypical dumb voice. (WTF?)
"That's a wall, dumb-ass." Ravage grumbled. Why did he have to be stuck here with these idiots?
"I need a brain." Brawl replied, pointing to his elbow, cause he's so freaking stupid, he thinks that brains go in elbows.
"Yes you do!" Barricade squealed.
"Hey, maybe the Fallen of Oz can give this dumb piece of sh*t a brain!" Ravage cried.
"K. Let's go!" Barricade agreed, and the now-trio walked off. As they rounded another corner, Brawl was heard saying;
"Why is there a police car sticking out your chest, Barri-Laid? Did you get pregnant again?"
"SHUT THE F*** UP!"
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
More aimless walking down roads later, our heroic, stupid trio saw Bonecrusher, who appeared to be unable to move.
"Hey look, it's the Easter Bunny!" Brawl cheered happily. "Now I can get my dolls." (WTF?)
Ravage sighed deeply with the sigh of someone who has seen much trauma and horror, while Barricade prepared to commit suicide by shotgun.
"There's some oil here." Ravage stated. "Let me oil Crusher." As Ravage oiled Bonecrusher, a shotgun blast was heard. Shrugging, Ravage finished his oiling business and Bonecrusher was able to conveniently move thanks to the fossil fuel plot device.
"Thanks a lot, you stupid, smelly sh*t-cat (A rude pun on Kit-Kat). Now p*ss off!" Bonecrusher snarled, completely angry for no logical reason whatsoever.
"Someone isn't happy!" Brawl giggled.
"You dumb crap-humping bitch! Shut yo' bitch mouth."
"If Brawl needs a brain, then you need a heart." Said Ravage. "Cause you aren't nice. Only a heart will sort you out."
Bonecrusher performed the middle finger at the panther-bot. Meanwhile, Brawl noticed that Barricade wasn't moving, and Energon was flowing out of the mechs shattered chest.
"Hey, guys!" The tank shouted in that stupid voice that makes people go insane. "Barricade gave birth!"
"WTF!" Ravage whined, as he and the delightfully rude Bonecrusher walked over and saw that Barricade was dead, a shotgun embedded in his face, the blast having evidently torn out his neck and gone threw his police-car chest.
"The stupid virgin n00b killed himself." Bonecrusher snorted. "Shame. I wanted to kill him, cut off his arms, and shove the arms up his sirens. Oh well. Guess he can never get any femmes now. Not that the dumb little car-f*ck ever could."
Suddenly, through some mystic self-revival or whatever other convenient plot device to explain this, Barricade then came back to life!
"What did you say!" The police cruiser growled, evidently having heard the insult from Hell and returned to exact vengeance.
"I said: The stupid- AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!" Bonecrusher interrupted himself with a pained yell, for Barricade had kicked Crusher right in the nuts and bolts! Bonecrusher recovered, though, and responded with a HATING PUNCH! that owned Barricade. As the two fought, Brawl said to Ravage.
"Those two girl-scouts shouldn't fight! They should sell muffins! YAY!"
"Please kill me..."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Same scene again. The quartet are walking along, when something shoots at them, machine gun bullets peppering the ground, one hitting Brawl in the left turret ("LOL, peas!"). As our mismatched, rude heroes prepare to fight off whatever mysterious threat, something fell out of a tree. They saw it was-
"Sideways! What the Pit were you shooting at us for?" Ravage asks, surprised that the Audi had shot at his allies in war.
The Audi R8 looked around nervously, his machine gun sheathing quickly as he stood up, his whole body shaking with some kind of fear.
"I-I-I-I was n-nervous." He stuttered, looking positively terrified.
"You should be, you cowardly sh*t-eating exhaust pipe-hole!" Bonecrusher roared "You nearly scratched my armour!"
At this, Sideways burst into tears, crying uncontrollably.
"Stop crying, pussy-cat n00b!" Bonecrusher shouted angrily, which only made Sideways cry even more. Pretty soon, instantly in fact, angry girls who didn't like jerks who picked on sensitive guys showed up and promptly beat the living crap out of Crusher.
"LOL! Crusher got his ass kicked by girls!" Barricade laughed, recording the scene for YouTube.
Unfortunately, he was next...
Meanwhile, Ravage invited Sideways to join them on their quest, while Brawl attempted to get a leaf's autograph;
"You need courage, my friend." The cat said sagely, as Sideways nodded in meek agreement, wiping away his tears in that cute lil' fashion that makes you go Awww. "So, come with us to see the Fallen of Oz. He's going to return us all home, as well as give Brawl a brain, Crusher a heart and he can give you some courage."
"C-c-cool." Sideways stuttered, shaking from the unexplained fear that served as his running gag in this random fic. Sigh...
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Meanwhile, in a big castle, Optimus, the Pissed-off Prime of the West, was looking in his crystal ball. Since he was the bad guy in this fic, he had a crystal ball. Because crystal balls are epic. Almost better then Poke-balls and Devastator Balls.
"Oh no's. The prophecy!" The Prime said to himself in a really bad-ass voice that makes girls swoon in amazement. "A virgin, kitten, sh*t-for-brain, angry man and coward unite. Together, they kill the evil. That's me! Well, I'll just kill them first. Because I am Optimus Prime, the Pissed-off Prime of the West, and I am amazing!"
"No, you're not amazing. You suck." Blackout said idly from his cage hanging from the ceiling, serving as some random character for no reason other then for the LOL-z.
"Shut up, bitch! Make me a sandwich!" Optimus shouted angrily, shaking a red fist at the helicopter. Blackout did the finger at him in sadistic response. Deciding he was better off ignoring the helicopter, Optimus walked over to his computer, which had his World of Warcraft game. Using hacks and code-words, Optimus unlocked the "Unleash Gnomes in Bombers into the Real World to kill your Enemies" cheat. With that done, a whole squadron of Gnome bombers emerged from the computers
"Go, bombers!" Optimus shouted "Kill 'em all! Fly, my pretty's! FLY!"
"We heard you the first time, weirdo." One Bomber grumbled, before he and the rest of them flied off in a pretty fashion.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Our heroes were walking down the road, doing nothing as per usual since I'm too lazy to describe them doing stuff, when a bomb came out of nowhere and blew up Bonecrusher into a thousand pieces.
"OMG, they killed Kenny!" Ravage cried, pointing at the squadron of WoW Gnome bombers which had blown up poor Crusher.
"You bastards!" Barricade shouted, shaking his fists angrily at them
"H-hey, s-s-swearing-g is-is-isn't n-nice." Sideways stuttered nervously, despite the fact that the whole fic was pretty much swearing, though in a funny way. I think. Anyway, Barricade did the middle finger at Sideways, causing the Audi to cry and cry. And of course, this caused the angry Sideways-defender girls to show up, ready to kill whatever fool had insulted the sensitive car.
"They did it!" Barricade shouted quickly, saving himself by pointing at the bombers. The Sideways-defender girls promptly roared deadly battle cries and owned the gnomes so epically, even God himself had to be impressed. One gnome survived the carnage, but somehow, Bonecrusher's SHEER FEEL OF HATE killed him, burning the poor guy to death. SHEER POWER OF HATE then brought Bonecrusher back to life, because his hatred is so powerful, it can reanimate him!
"I live!" He shouted triumphantly, his fists hating on Brawl's face.
"Now we can order bananas!" The stupid, dumb-ass tank cried, somehow ignorant of the fists hating on his face.
"Where did Sideways go?" Ravage asked. They looked around. He was gone! This calls for a dramatic line of wondering where he went!
"Oh well, who cares." Barricade stated.
T_T sigh...
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
In the evil castle of evil stuff, where Optimus lived and stuff, Sideways was currently huddled in Blackout's cage, having been captured... somehow... when the gnomes got owned... and stuff.
"I'M SCARED!" He squealed in that cute lil' voice that made you wanna go Awww, crying away like a sad little baby. Blackout tried to comfort the cowardly cry-baby, but failed epically, since he wasn't very good at comforting.
Optimus walked in, as regally and powerful and scary as ever, before demeaning his own image by shouting;
"Where's my sandwich, bitch-ass ROFLcopter?"
"Up your exhaust pipe, where your head left it." Blackout retorted.
"You're so fat, NASA hired you to plug up Black holes!"
"You're so fat, you transform into a planet!"
You're so fat, when you go swimming, whales sing 'We are family!"
"You're so fat, when you walk in the street, people say 'God damn, that is one fat-ass!"
"You're so fat, your blood is made of gravy!" Sideways screamed, unable to handle the pressure of this stupid argument. The other two stared at him in that "What the Hell did you just say?" fashion. Sideways started crying again at the awkwardness. Poor fella'.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"Poor Sideways!" Brawl screamed, crying his optics out in mourning. "Why couldn't it have been me!"
"Yes, why couldn't it have been you?" Bonecrusher bitched, also crying from his bad luck at still being stuck with these chumps.
"Dear Lord, why would you take an innocent soul!" Brawl cried.
"Dear Lord, why couldn't you have taken this sh*t-head instead?" Bonecrusher cried.
As they cried, Ravage decided that-
"What?" Barricade shouted, disbelief in his tone. "Save him? That's bull-crap straight from the crap factory, also known as Bonecrusher's mother!"
"F*** you, lazy donut-shagging-"
"You're supposed to be the main character, Barri'." the cat-bot replied, interrupting Bonecrusher's epic rant. "So act smart. If he gets captured, we save him. He would save us, you know, because that's what friends do."
"I suppose..."
"That's settled. Let's use those bomber planes to get to that conveniently located evil castle over there, which must be where the Evil Guy lives."
"Alright then. Let's go!"
"YAY! I love rescuing ducklings!"
"Shut up."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
They soon arrived at the castle, in the lovely bomber planes, despite the fact they could have just turned into vehicles and driven there or something. Oh well. Getting out of the bombers, our heroes walked up to the front door and knocked. As they waited, they heard voices.
"Answer the door, bitch! You're my servant!"
"F*** you! I can't do it in my cage!
"Asshole. You, coward. Answer the door."
"Y-you're supposed t-t-to s-say please..."
"Stupid Audi! Answer the door!"
Massive crying was promptly heard
"Oh sh*t! Blackout, you dumb fan, shut him up!"
"No."
"WTF not?"
"So the girls will come and kill you."
"You're next to him. I'll tell them you poked him!"
"Fine."
The crying stopped.
"How did you do that?"
"I'm awesome, dumb-ass."
"Whatever."
Annoyed by this stupid waiting, Bonecrusher used the FEEL OF HATE to melt the door epically. Our heroes promptly entered the one-room castle, funnily enough, and saw Optimus, whom glared at them angrily for melting his door (He had no door insurance).
"Prepare to be vanquished, evil bastard!" Barricade shouted, pulling out his shotgun, as Ravage got his claws out, Brawl and his ice-cream cone and Bonecrusher pulled out a portable Death Star cannon from nowhere. "For we are the good guys in this waste-of-time fan-fiction, and we will kick your exhaust pipe from here to Egypt and back to your mother's house for cake and tea!"
Optimus simply laughed at them, before gloating: "Fools! You forget my ability from the Transformers 2 video game on the X-box 360. Valiant Leader!"
With that Optimus glowed with epic energy and turned... blue. Our heroes stared at the now blue Optimus, before they all laughed at his worthless ability, and they all shot him with their epic weaponry. Megatron randomly appeared out of nowhere, because we all love him that much, and he freed Blackout and Sideways, then those three joined in on shooting Optimus. The shooting went on and on, until they all stopped, leaving nothing but a big dust cloud.
However, much to their horror, when the dust cleared, Optimus was still standing!
"Ha! Valiant Leader turns me invincible!" He bragged, before he then owned our heroes epically, beating them all down with complete and utter ease, because he is the Prime, and Prime's kick ass. Soon, Sideways was the only one still standing, while his friends were tied in a big knot, each bot of the knot whimpering in utter pain.
"Time to die, coward." Optimus sneered, as he got out his horrible face-stealing hooks and moved over to steal Sideways' face.
"Y-you forget m-my a-a-ability on t-t-the Transformers 2-2 g-g-game." Sideways stuttered nervously. "Graviton Mines!"
The Audi then shot a Graviton Mine at Optimus which made him super slow, much to his NOT AMUSED-ness. Sideways then walked over to the computer, turned on World of Warcraft and hacked it for the "Summon Lich King" cheat. When the cheat was activated , Sideways stepped back, and then, the Lich King suddenly materialised in the room, looking pretty epic, I must admit.
"Die!" He shouted in his creepy Lich King voice, before owning the unfortunately super-slow Optimus with his crazy soul-stealing sword. Poor Optimus.
"Optimus is dead!" Our heroes cheered, as they untied themselves from that big knot.
"Well done, Sideways!" Said Ravage and Blackout in that nice fatherly way, filled with pride.
"Congrats, you cowardly piece of sh*t!" Bonecrusher swore, because he ruins this fic with his swearing, the jerk he is.
"I wanted to be the hero!" Barricade bitched, perfectly mimicking Starscream's bitchy voice.
"Let's all eat carrots with swamp-monkeys!" Said Brawl happily. (WTF?)
"Well done." Said Megatron in his Megatron voice.
"You are a worthy warrior. Your skills with tactics and brains enabled you to summon me to kill this truck n00b, at least until some old Blackbird resurrects him." Said the Lich King. "I hereby deem you my apprentice, Sideways. When I die, you shall be the next Lich King. And another thing-"
Suddenly, someone teleported into the room, squashing the Lich King.
"OMG, he killed the Lich Kenny!" Megatron shouted in shock.
"You bastard!" Blackout cried.
"I am the Fallen of Oz!" The new guy shouted. "And I am bored of waiting for you! Here's a brain, here's a heart, here's courage! Now pi*s off!" He then teleported away after his rant. Geez, name a Fic after a guy, and he barely shows up? What a rip-off.
"I am intelligent!" Brawl said in a really intelligent voice that was so intelligent, the Universe itself smiled.
"Who wants cookies?" Bonecrusher asked, a happy smile on his face. A genuine happy smile. Seriously.
"Where's Sideways?" Blackout asked, looking around. Everyone looked around ("Copy-cats..." Blackout grumbled). Sure enough, the Audi was missing.
"Oh well." Said Barricade. "He must be in a better place." With that, they all went home.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
And by a better place, I mean that Sideways went to Las Vegas. He had fun :)