AN: Major thanks to Frank Sinatra, who has to be the most romantic singer ever. Send in the Clowns was written by Stephen Sondhiem, the version I listen to was preformed by Frank Sinatra. I don't own it.
"This is a song about a couple of adult people who have spent, oh, quite a long time together till one day one of them gets restless and decides to leave. Whether it's the man or woman who left it's unimportant, it's a breakup." Frank Sinatra
On the note about how much I love Sinatra, I did flip the last two stanzas around, really it's an insult to Sondhiem though.
Send in the Clowns
Isn't it rich?
Are we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground,
You in mid-air.
I woke up groggy, my head in a terrible state from the overdose of drugs. But I was thankful for it in more ways than one, the pain from my injuries was all but gone and with my mind spinning around in circles it was much harder to focus on the burning sensation on my lips. I could still feel Bella's searing kiss from hours ago.
It had taken some time but she had given in and kissed me back, her fists knotted up in my hair, her body so close to mine—it was more than I could ever ask for. Well, that wasn't true. I wanted more than just one passionate kiss from Bella, I wanted more than just a kiss to keep me from dying. Greedy scuzzbag that I was I wanted all of Bella.
But she confirmed my worst doubts when she came over, she loved me, but she loved the leech more.
I had failed her and Charlie and her mother and the pack.
Send in the clowns.
It didn't get better when I began to run with the pack again. Their thoughts pelted me and the guilt began to boil more than I had thought it could. If it weren't for the freedom and relief I received from changing I wouldn't have gone with my brothers… and sister.
And she was the worst, I would rather be short one wolf than have her in the pack. It wasn't like she did any good for us anyway, she only caused tension in the meetings. She had no respect for keeping certain thoughts for herself, it didn't take an expert to see how much her thoughts were hurting Sam and in return Emily.
And I wouldn't have been pulverized by one of the newborn leeches if she weren't so egocentric.
She expected the world and everyone in it to revolve around her, she didn't seem to catch on that we were in the same exact position yet only she was allowed to be pissed and grieving at every moment of every day. Sam didn't even have to die to be with Emily, Leah was just being a stubborn mule.
I can't deny that the wedding invitation was a kick in the stomach, it took a lot to hurt me but those silly, overly fancy leaflets of paper managed to do it. Despite Bella's words, during the between receiving the invitation and having Bella say good-bye to me I still held on to a small bright ray of hope.
Can't blame me for trying.
But the paper made it official, I would be loosing my Bella in a few weeks. A few too short weeks. And that knowledge killed me. And I ran, I ran as fast as I could. I had to get away from it all. They tried to call me back but there wasn't anything they could say to bring me back, except "She's choosing you," if that were to happen I wouldn't have been able to run back to the house fast enough.
But my hopes were futile.
Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
one who can't move.
My guilt made me go back after a month. I was able to catch Sam's attention and there were a pair of sweats on the edge of the forest floor. I phased out, my bones creaking from the unfamiliarity of being human. I stretched and felt my joints snap, I was exhausted.
Leah was the first to see me. I groaned, I knew it was time to come back, at least for my father, but I wasn't ready to face Leah and hear her snide remarks.
"Well you look like crap," she said, her hands crossed in front her chest and her head cocked to the side. There was a smile somewhere on her face, deep down inside she was happy I was back. Happy that there was someone else in the pack again that was incredibly miserable all thanks to the irritating emotion known as love.
Love just wasn't easy when you knew there was someone out their that the universe created for you, now whether or not my puzzle piece person was Bella or someone I would imprint on I wasn't sure. If I hadn't imprinted on Bella I was terrified at what it would be like to imprint on a girl.
I gave her the finger and went into the house, "You wish," she called after me.
"Hey Dad," was all I said. When I looked up I saw Charlie sitting on the couch, my eyes widened. I had no idea what I was supposed to tell him.
"Jacob," his eyes said so much more though, "You get in a fight with someone? I would have thought that seeing your friends again would have been more pleasant," perhaps I really did look like crap. I silently thanked Sam for the pants though, coming in naked would have been hard to explain to Charlie, "After your shower you should unpack your suitcase," he nodded towards the hallway. I did see a suitcase there, one I had never seen before. I assumed that Sam had managed to sneak it in without Charlie noticing. I grabbed the suitcase and worked hard to pretend it was heavy when it was obviously empty.
I threw it onto my bed, which was still unmade, I managed to find a clean shirt and pants in my dresser. I took a shower, the hot water on all the way, until it ran cold. It had taken forever to clean off the dirt but I managed after some time and I made sure to wash all the mud out of the tub before leaving.
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.
I went into my room and sat down on the bed, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go and be in the same room as Charlie. He didn't seem terribly upset by anything, perhaps that had been overwhelmed by my appearance. It was pretty frightening.
I searched around my room and found the invitation that had prompted my exile, I frowned at the date realizing that knowing the date did nothing since as a wolf I had no sense of time. I very well couldn't go out and ask Billy what the date was, that would have been suspicious. I walked over to my bed and searched under it to find my alarm clock, I was pretty sure that it had the date on it.
I found the contraption and groaned, the world was most certainly against me, at some point it had been unplugged.
I didn't want to go out there and face Charlie, but it would have been very weird to just stay in my room the entire time. Charlie had seen my room and with my cleaning habits it wouldn't take too long to unpack my suitcase.
I opened the door and saw that both Charlie and Billy were focused on the game, maybe I could just sneak into the kitchen without them noticing, I was dying for real food. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich (seven of them maybe) sounded wonderful. With milk.
I was in the kitchen when I heard commercials come on, commercials meant it was okay for the two to talk.
"Jake," Charlie called from the living room, "it's a shame you had to miss the wedding, is your aunt feeling better though?" I frowned, I didn't have an aunt.
"Yes, she is," my heart sunk as his words sunk into me, Bella was married. And depending on how long ago the wedding took place, my Bella was gone.
"Are you okay?" Billy asked. I looked down and noted the shattered glass from the cup I had been holding.
"Of course I'm fine."
Pain rocketed through my body, worse than what had happen when I had multiple broken bones. I had nothing to compare this to, my heart ached. My heart was breaking.
Tears poured down my face as I made the sandwiches, I bagged them up and went to the door.
"Your boy has quite the appetite," Charlie commented, he hadn't seen my tears.
I was outside before I heard my father answer. I jogged over to the tree that Bella and I often sat under, it held too many memories but it was the only place left where I knew my Bella would be.
I didn't know how to release the anger I had inside me, I wanted to cry and scream and break things but any of the above would bring attention to the pack and Leah's attention was enough for today.
I sat down and leaned against the tree, facing the ocean and began pitching rocks in to the ocean in between bites. After several rocks and three sandwiches I noticed the white envelope on the ground it was in a zip lock and had Bella's chicken scratch writing on it.
Jacob.
My weakened heart soared, a piece of Bella was there for me. I quickly opened the envelope.
August 14
Jake,
I'm not sure how this long distance relationship is supposed to work. I'm going to do what I think it means and write to you, although the last time I sent you letters it didn't work out quite so well. If you don't want me to write to you, if it's too painful, just write to me and tell me. Please. I'll leave my new address at the bottom.
I won't be able to write back immediately though since Edward and I will be on our honeymoon until September 1.
I'm sure you're wondering why I left this letter here. A little bird told me that you were no longer at home, don't worry, I don't blame you. I didn't want to send this letter to your house in fear that Billy would intercept it first and throw it away. I know that Billy doesn't have the same understanding as you and I do.
I hope you find this, I knew leaving it here under these rocks was a long shot but I had to try something. You should understand that. I thought about leaving it in your room, but I think you would have a better chance of finding it under a rock by our tree.
If you are reading this that means you're back and I hope that you are content and happy. Please try to be happy for me, it's what I want from you. I don't want you moping around, I want you to go back to school for Billy. And I want you to work hard and not to get into any trouble.
I don't know how much of this you want to hear, but in a few weeks I won't be able to contact Charlie for quite some time and I want you look out for him. He tries to be strong and independent but I'm not too sure he is.
In the other envelope I've put some pictures from before the wedding, I don't know if you want to see them but I thought it was better to just put them in there. Don't worry, they're only of me.
Love,
Bella
Ps. Write back if you can, even if you still want me to write.
I looked at the unopened envelope that had fallen onto my lap. I carefully opened the the sealed flap and a small stack of photos fell out, a close up shot of Bella was on top. Her hair was frazzled and there were creases from her pillow on her cheek. Someone must have been following her around with a camera from the moment she had woken up.
In the next picture she was leaning over a bowl of cereal, her hair pulled onto the top of her head in a knot.
The next few contained someone's hand plastering unnecessary make up on her face and Bella trying uselessly to push the cameraperson away. I frowned, I would have made Bella do any of this stuff, not if she didn't want to.
The next one was her in her wedding dress, overly exquisite for her taste. Her face was hard to see under the veil, her hands were twisting each other at her waist and the bottom of the dress was slightly blurred. Perhaps she had been bouncing with nervous energy. It hurt a little to see her excited about getting married to the bloodsucker, but if she had chosen me she would have had to recover from the break up. It was better this way.
The last one was a cropped shot of her, the veil was pulled away and the smile on her face was bright and large. And true.
Just when I'd stopped opening doors,
finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours,
making my entrance again with my usual flair,
sure of my lines.
No one is there.
Sam convinced me to finish school, once again it was only for Billy. It was amazing how easy it all was when you just sat there and did the work. I miraculously graduated but opted out of college, it just didn't seem worth it.
As much as I tried to I wasn't able to pretend to be happy, even for Bella or Billy. The summer after I graduated Sam and Emily finally got married, Sam had been phasing less and less and was ready to start a family. I was happy for him, but I couldn't help but be bitter about the love that he got to have.
I was given the position of leader of the pack, though Sam said he would continue to keep an eye on me and make sure I wasn't being reckless. Phasing was pretty pointless at this point, I had it from the most reliable of sources that the Cullen family that they were living in a secluded, forest covered part of New York and had no intentions of coming back to Forks any time soon. Bella said she wasn't ready. It was the first time she had sent a picture since the first letter under the tree. She now sent them through the mail though, "under the tree mail is a bit inconvenient for me now."
She still looked beautiful in the picture, although she was definitely different then from before. She was sitting in a window seat, a journal in hand as if the picture taker had interrupted her while she was writing. Her face was clear and almost snowy white, but not in a sick way in a beautiful way. It would make Snow White jealous. Her hair cascaded down her back still, but it was free of knots and tangles.
She smaller and even more fragile, though I knew the awful truth was that she would be able to give me a run for my money if we were to fight. I couldn't imagine Bella having that instinct in her, I couldn't imagine her being anything but the docile human I loved.
Her small was just as beautiful and bright, she was truly happy in this life.
"I do hope you are doing okay, I wish you write to me to give me some sort of sign that you haven't gone and offed yourself. Don't do anything reckless! Even if it was just to tell me how Charlie is doing, I would greatly appreciate it."
I wrote back.
"You're still beautiful.
"Of course."
It was simple, but I had hoped that was all she needed because I couldn't afford letting all of my emotions slip on to a page, it would have disastrous after effects.
Isn't it rich?
Isn't it queer?
Losing my timing this late in my career?
Leah and I started going out, although that was a terrible term for the relationship we had. It was merely sex, drugs and alcohol, that was the only reason we ever got together for. We fought and were terrible for each other, but in that was security. This person could never hurt me more than I already was hurt.
After the buzzes wore off though, I always felt immensely guilty. This life wasn't what Bella wanted for me and I knew that it wasn't what I wanted for myself. But everything felt so good when it was going on, who was I to say no.
And Bella never needed to know.
Sam was the only one to ever catch on about Leah and me.
"It's not healthy, Leah's just trying to use you." I was tempted to say duh.
"I'm just using her as well."
"You know this isn't what Bella would want, she doesn't want you to just be… fuck buddies with someone, with Leah of all people. She wants you to be in a healthy, happy relationship," Sam yelled at me in hush tones as he shut the door to Hanna's room.
"That's a little hard when the only person you can ever love is off dead somewhere," she still sent pictures, after about seven years I received a graduation announcement from her college. She was pale and beautiful with her diploma, it was another oddly cropped picture since I could obviously see that she was letting someone else support her as she laughed, but I loved the picture all the same.
I had taped it next to the other pictures, the ones from her wedding, the one of her and her journal, a few from the travels she had been on (all at night) and now her graduation. In her letter she had informed me that she had majored in Literature.
"It's amazing how much work you can get done when you don't have to sleep, although it took me forever to get the credits since I can only take night and online classes. I don't know if you want to hear that, sorry."
She said that a lot.
"You need to let everything go, Jake. It's not good for the pack—"
"They aren't coming back," Bella had promised me.
"The Cullen's may stay away till we are all gone, but others may come here. Their scent is still quite thick up in Forks, other bloodsuckers could be curious."
"The pack is smart," I countered, "they don't need me," Sam looked at me and raised his eyebrow, "Just let me handle it please."
I ground my teeth and left his house, I didn't need any of this. I was surviving just fine in my own fucked up existence.
It wasn't long before I was at Leah's house and slamming open the door, "What the hell?" she stood up from her chair in the living room and her plate of food clattered to the floor, "Jacob, I'm not in the mood right now. There's a Laguna Beach marathon on," I growled and grabbed her hips, bringing her face towards mine.
She pushed against me at first, resisting, but I pulled her closer and knotted my fingers in her hair. I was getting what I wanted tonight.
Don't you love farce?
My fault I fear,
I thought that you'd want what I want.
Sorry my dear.
I sat up from the bed and put my jeans back on, Leah remained still, "I gotta admit, Jake, you are amazing. Definitely worth missing some Laguna Beach."
"We're done," I said at the door, Leah got up suddenly and chased after down the hallway, still stark naked.
"What do you mean we're done?"
"I mean, we're done. I'm done being your fuck buddy, your friends with benefits. Except it's not even that since we aren't friends! What's been going on between us isn't right, it's not what Bella would want for me and it's not how I should honor her memory."
"Bella's gone," she said loudly and clearly as if I didn't speak English and this would help, "She doesn't know what you are doing or even whether you are alive. Do you even think she cares? I've heard what the pack thinks about her, she was too nice. She'd do anything she could to stop you from hurting, including writing those god damned letters you insist on holding onto. She doesn't care."
"You don't know the first thing about Bella and you never can. You're a bitch, Leah. You are nothing like Bella, therefore you could never understand her. You're just selfish that someone you loved loves someone else. Well, newsflash, I'm right there with you. And yeah, it sucks and it hurts and the pain will never go away. But, acting like this isn't the solution," I shook my head, I had no idea what else to say, whether there was anything else I could say that would get the picture through her thick head. She stared at me, her eyes were getting watery, she was losing a member of her pity parade.
And where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns.
Well, maybe next year.
For Claire's 18th birthday Quil took her to a club, it was small and the only club within miles of the res. Embry and a few of the other guys were there as well, once we had arrived everyone split up into different areas, dancing and seducing other women.
I sat at the bar, making designs in the water from the condensation on my cup. The music was pulsing with the lights and everything was a bit overwhelming, I decided to escape while I could. It wasn't like I was going to do anything besides drink myself into oblivion, and I tried my hardest to stay away from alcohol now that Sam was so focused on working and raising his children.
I caught one of my brother's attention and I signaled that I would be outside, fresh air would be nice. I slipped out the back door and found myself in an alley. It felt warm to me of course, but the fog around me said otherwise. A scream to my left caught my attention and I turned my head.
All I could see was a girl pushed against a wall by a tall man, smaller than me, certainly but her toward over the girl. The girl's hair was dark and I could see her face twisted into a mask of horror.
I stopped breathing, my heart sank and rose and stopped and fluttered all at the same time. On the one hand I wanted to change and rip the predator to shreds, live up to my name and be a protector. But on the other hand, I didn't want to scare this girl. This rare beauty. I had to stay human for her.
I ran over to the struggle and pulled the predator off of the girl and placed myself between her and the predator. I snarled at him, my teeth glaring, my eyes glowing, "Leave."
"Just having a bit of fun with my girl, man. Not my fault you can't find your own fun, don't need to go stealing my girl," the man spat at me cockily. I laughed at his attempted to move me away from my stance, his arm pushed pointlessly against mine.
"There wasn't anything consensual about this, I'm sure," I said calmly. The girl's hands had found hold of my shirt, even under the shirt her skin caused mine to tingle and I wondered what would happen if we were to come in to contact directly.
The predator opened his mouth again and I began to shake, "Leave!" I growled and placed my hands on his right shoulder, I had only intended to push him out of the way but I overestimated my control and he landed several yards away in a puddle of alley muck. He groaned and stayed put, I took the time to turn to the girl.
She was beautiful. Glossy, light brown hair that was a halo around her angelic face. Her eyes peered at me, glassed over in tears, I could still make out the flecks of green and gold against the grey background. She sniffled and wiped her button nose, her small lips quivered.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"I'm never going to be able to repay you," she said, her voice squeaking in her throat. She threw her arms around my neck, "Thank you," she said over and over again.
I needed no thank you, I had received the best gift ever. My imprint.
"I never thought that he would leave me alone. I had tried—"
"Would you like to go for a walk?"
"I don't even know your name," she said, backing away from me and crossing her arms. I wrapped my jacket around her, she smiled gratefully and tucked her head into the collar that was probably still warm.
"Jacob William Black."
She laughed and it was the most joyful sound in the universe, it could have been the cure to any person's depression, no matter how severe.
"What's your name?"
"Clara. Clara Jane Adams," she smiled.
"Well, Clara Jane Adams, would you like to go for a walk with me?"
She tilted her head to the side, resting it on the cotton material of my jacket, "I suppose I owe you for saving my life, saving me from whatever would have happened if Trent had—"
"He's your boyfriend?" I asked, wishing I had bit my tongue.
"He thinks he is. He was at one point. But, he cheated on me, I broke up with him and things got ugly. The end," she said falteringly. She didn't want to talk about it and if my mouth could stay shut I wouldn't force her too.
I wouldn't force Clara to do anything she didn't want, but I so desperately wanted to kiss her. I had only known her for a few minutes and I wanted to do more than kiss her.
We walked around the sleepy, dark town till the morning light reached the horizon. We had talked about everything and anything and nothing all at the same time, everything felt so simply and carefree. Her birthday was in June, she had lived in California until college. She had studied French and wanted to live in Paris for a year, but Trent had stopped her. Her favorite pizza topping was peppers and parmesan cheese. A week doesn't go by without her listening to her favorite band from her childhood, The Backstreet Boys. She was on the debate team in school, but failed speech class. Her parents were high school sweethearts and still married. Her favorite movie was A Walk to Remember. She ate the ice cream right out of the container.
"Oh dear," she said, looking out at the red sun from the bench we were sitting on.
"Do you even know where we are?" I looked down at her, she was lying on the bench, her legs over my lap and her head on the arm rest. She looked around and smiled.
"No clue! I can't believe I stayed up all night with a complete stranger!"
"I'm not a complete stranger, you know my name," which was really all she knew. I had been the one to play interrogator all night.
"Yes, Jacob William Black," she sat up, swinging her legs to the ground. She let out a big yawn and stretched before leaning against my shoulder, "Well, Jacob William Black, we should try and find our way back. Or at least find a cab, if you have money. My purse is, hopefully, in the lost and found at that club by now."
I had no cash on me, but I was far from being tired, "I can carry you back to the club," I stood up and held out my arms.
"Wait a minute, have you not told me something? I know for a fact that you have been up all night, you couldn't possibly have the energy to carry me back, let alone walk all the way back to the club.
"I think I'll manage," I said, ignoring her first remark. She had certainly hit the nail on its head, there was something I hadn't told her. I knew I could tell her, but the how to tell her was the problem. I bent down and scooped her up, she wrapped her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist. I held my arms comfortably underneath her, keeping her close to me and smoothing her skirt down.
She leaned her head down on my shoulder, "I can't believe I had such a nice time, Jacob."
"Me neither."
I crossed the street at the corner and sat her down in front of the building, she looked up and smiled at me, "See, I told you that you were too tired to carry me all the way back to the club."
I smiled back and turned her around, "I think we just walked around the block a few times," I pointed towards the dark windows of the club. She laughed again and it was like the angels began to sing.
"Oh, I wonder if anyone's still in there," she placed her nose against the window, "I'd like to get my purse, since it basically has my life in it." She knocked on the glass, "Don't you need your wallet or keys or something?" She knocked again.
"I have my keys," I reached into my pocket and grabbed them.
"Oh," we stood outside in silence for a few minutes. She was staring down at the ground while I studied her again. Her hair was really light brown in the new sun light and her eyes weren't grey but an intense light blue, "Well, I guess I'm going to have to wait till they open to get my things."
"They open at nine," I said, still staring at her.
"Well, that's only a few hours from now, it's like what? Five, six?"
"Nine at night," I amended.
"Shit," worry flooded her features and I wanted to embrace her in a hug and never let her go. I never wanted her to feel any negative feelings ever again.
"I could drive you to your house," I said, I wanted her to feel better, but I didn't want to have to let her out of my sight in order to do that.
"I need my keys to get in, silly," she smiled weakly.
"Well," I started off slowly, "do you want to come over to my house? I have an extra bed, we could both catch some sleep since we seem to lacking in that department and I could take you out to breakfast. You could take a shower."
She laughed, "I'm probably pretty groady by now."
"Never," I said honestly. If she were to protest showering for the rest of time, I would stand by and support her.
"Well, I just spent the entire night you. I suppose if you were going to try anything you would have already done it."
I was appalled, "I would never try anything, Clara, not without asking you first."
"Um, thank you."
I guided her to where my car was parked in the back and opened the passenger door for her. Once she was in, I shut the door, quickly took the parking ticket off the window and got in.
After I started the ignition I realized, it was all worth it. All of it.
But where are the clowns?
Quick, send in the clowns.
Don't worry, they're here.
AN: I will be writing more about Clara and Jacob, I just need to find another song. Happy Singles Awareness Day!