So this story is the flip side of one of my others, Death of a Savior. Something one of my friends said was sticking in my mind, and it was kinda like, well, what was Rev thinking? So here's the result. It flips between Revan's actual POV, and a couple of journal like things. Enjoy said angst!
How is it possible? Me, how could I be… her? The dark acts she's done, the cruel nature of her very soul… How could I be Revan?
It just isn't possible. I'm not evil, am I?
-Revan… Chris?
I don't know where I am, or how I got there. I taste blood in my mouth, and realize I've had another dream. One where I did unspeakable acts, and laughed. It kills me. It just kills something inside.
I need to walk. I can't just sit around here, I'll go crazy.
I can see the look in Carth's eyes when I see him. He has the same glare in them had had when he talked about Saul. I'm afraid, afraid that what I thought we had won't last. I don't know if it can survive this.
-Reva… Chris
I wander aimlessly around the ship, the once open spaces seeming confined now, enclosed. Canderous stops me as I pass through the garage. He has some meaningless story to tell me, hoping to lift my spirits.
I smile weakly, and walk on.
How can I go on? Knowing that someday, I may revert to her? My personality come out, come loose, swamp everything I know and love? What if I kill one of them? My closest friends?
I can't do this. Not anymore. I can't hold it in, she's clawing her way out. I can feel her, I can hear her. She wants to get out, needs to get out.
-Rev… Chris
Apparently it's Mission's turn to cheer me up. It isn't working; I pretend to laugh, to joke. Mission is satisfied, and walks away to talk to Zaalbar. I find myself in the starboard dorms, and kneel in the meditative pose.
In… Out… In… Out… In… Out… I can't do this…
Someone's entered the room. Juhani. She doesn't speak, only kneels next to me.
In… Out… In… Out… In… Out… Bastila?
I can feel her. I draw comfort from her familiar presence in my mind. Then, she is gone. As if she never was. I tentatively reach out, feeling for her. She's gone, cut our bond. I choke back a sob.
Malak… Jack… Bastila… Carth… All my closest are gone. To the Dark, to Force knows where. I'm falling apart, but I'm afraid that this time no one will be there to catch the pieces.
I lost Malak to the Darkness, as surely as I lost myself.
I lost my best friend when I fell, and now I know not where he wanders.
My bondmate, my confidante… she cut me out, and I don't know why… I've lost her too.
Carth. My other half, my soul. I fear he's gone, and no hope of reconciliation.
I'm scared.
-Re… Chris
I whisper his name as I slump to the ground outside the cockpit door. I can hear his even breaths in there, and it kills me. I would have been in there with him, sitting beside him. Running my fingers through his hair, toying with that insistent lock that falls across his forehead. Oh Carth… I sob quietly.
A scrap of his boot, and I'm gone. Shoot like a rocket to the security room down the hall. He opens the door, and I stare drinking my fill, knowing I may never see him again as soon as we touch down.
I can't go on. I've made up my mind, and I'm glad. They'll be better off, they will. They don't need some psycho ex-Sith Lord in their midst, there's enough on their plate just dealing with Malak. Carth will find someone else. He has to.
They can't deal with me now. Not with the pressure that I'll snap. Force, I can't deal with it. I can't stand the thought that I'll hurt them.
-R… Chris
I'm talking to Jolee in the medbay, trying to wrap up any loose ends before I go. I see a flash of orange in the hall, and turn to look. It's Carth. I call out to him, just this one last time. He ignores me, and continues on. I know I've made the right choice then. I can't stand this, not being around him, not having him the way I used to. And I'm glad.
But I'm still scared.
The pen shakes in my hand. I decided to use old-fashioned paper for this, it feels… more final somehow. I lower it to the paper gently.
Carth.
I can't do this anymore, I just can't. It's like something is broken inside me, something is gone. I've lost everyone one I've ever loved, and I can't go on.
Everyday, every hour, every minute, every second, I'm scared. I'm scared of who I was, and who I am. I don't know anymore.
She's here, inside me, and I'm so scared she's coming out. I can feel her, I can feel her evil. She's part of who I was, and I don't know what to do. What if she escapes this hold I've put on her now that I know?
It's not something I could live with. So I won't. I'm not going to, I can't.
I know how you feel right now, I feel it too. Saul's betrayal was nothing compared to mine. Mine was the ultimate betrayal, I stole your heart.
In all fairness, you stole mine as well. I'm not the woman I was Carth.
I'm going. Not leaving, but I'm going. This blade here, is both my demise, and my savior. I need this.
Chris.
I shakingly turn it over and slip it into the envelope. Steadying my hand, I write your name across the back. Carth…
The door opens, and I raise my head. It's you? I see you raise your blaster, and I am glad of it.
Maybe this will cleanse your soul.