Everyone seems to be making lemons these days, even bloody ravengal, so it's time to jump on the bandwagon! I promise it'll be completely 100% serious and won't be any kind of joke fic whatsoever, like the ones I usually make. You can trust me!
#kappa
…Bloody hell, this fic's gonna make me unpopular. Oh well!
Chapter Onewott: LethalAtrocityShitting
Oshawott was walking through the woods of Unova, as happy as could be. He'd recently had his scalchop polished by his home-dog, Ash, so he had very good reason to be happy. Yep, the smile on his maw couldn't have been any bigger if it'd tried.
As he walked by one tree, however, he stopped as he noticed a familiar, electrical flying squirrel friend of his crouching down, all by her lonesome. As he approached his friend, Emolga, he noticed that she was sobbing her poor, little heart out for reasons unknown.
Concerned, he moved closer and wrapped an arm around her. "Yarrr, what be the matter, lass? You seem to be a wee bit on edge, thar," he asked, gently.
"W-well…" Emolga began, glancing at him through her teary eyes, "I'm just… so hungry… and there aren't any apple t-trees nearby…!" She started to cry into her hands. "Bawwwwww! I'm gonna starve to death!"
Oshawott stood up and posed proudly. "Don't worry, lass! I be willing to plunder the forest for some fruits to stave off yer scurvy! I mean hunger."
She looked up at him in a hopeful way. "D-do you really mean that?"
"Aye, lass! That I do!" he said, confidently. "I'd sail the seven trees for yer, I would!"
"Oh, thank-you-thank-you!" she exclaimed, embracing the otter in a hug. As they hugged, Oshawott couldn't help but blush as he noticed her face becoming red, too. Because they're in love, I guess.
Oshawott wandered around the forest for about three minutes before realising that he had no idea where the apples in this forest grew. As this dawned on him, he started to grow worried. How could he bring Emolga some apples if he didn't know where to find apples!?
Before he could panic, he spotted Pikachu, who was going out for a stroll. Hoping to try his luck at getting some directions to apples, the scurvy seadog moved over to the mouse and waved. "Ahoy there, me first mate!"
"YEEHAW! Howdy, pardner!" Pikachu greeted, enthusiastically. "What brings you 'round these parts, boy?"
"Yarr, I be wanting to find me some apples for me lass, Emolga. Ye know where I could be finding me some?"
Pikachu stroked his chin before clicking a finger, excitedly. "Boy howdy, I think I might just know where you could get some! I spotted a big ol' apple tree yonder south from here, while I was doin' mah best at ignoring Buneary, and pretending that I don't know about her affections towards meh."
Oshawott smiled widely, until he did a double-take on that last part. "W-wait, what? What in Davy Jones' name would ye do that, fer? That be something a scallywag would do..."
"Well, shucks, Oshawott. Next to firing mah gun into the air at random intervals, it's the only thang what turns me on at night. Gotta get mah kicks somehow! Yeehaw!"
Oshawott gave him an odd look before shaking his head and leaving for the trees to the south. "Ye mind be forty sheets to the wind, lad, but whatever." He raised an arm in a backwards wave. "Arrr, 'till we meet again!"
Pikachu tipped his twenty-gallon hat towards the seaotter. "Been a pleasure chattin', pardner!"
The otter didn't respond, and simply chose to just keep on moving. His pace quickened when he heard a gun being fired into the air from behind, randomly.
"Sorry…!" Pikachu yelled from behind him, holstering his revolver after blowing on its nozzle and a giving it a twirl. "Y'all come back now, y'hear!?"
Not in a thousand fucking years.
With a big bushel of bright red apples in hand, Oshawott made his way back to his favourite electrical lass, skipping as he went along. "Yarr, Emolga's gonna be one jolly roger once I return with this booty~!" Oshawott sang, happily. "…I mean, jolly squirrel… Arrr, curse me manner of speaking. It be bullshit."
Despite his slip of the tongue, the otter cheerfully continued on his merry way, apples in hand. As he rounded one of the trees, however, he spotted a sight that caused his blood to freeze like an iceberg that would strike a sea vessel.
Emolga was being pinned down by a humongous braviary, with a look of pure lust in its eyes. Well, kind of. He was holding her up in pleasant conversation against her will, while standing a few feet away, which was figuratively pinning her!
"I say, my friendly-looking Emolga friend," the braviary said. "Would you, by chance, care to partake in some consensual intercourse of a sexual nature? I mean, I know that our egg groups are not… compatible, per se, but my whistle is in serious need of whetting, so to speak, so your orifice shall suffice, if you are interested."
"Aggghhh, nonono! G-g-get away!" Emolga shrieked, backing away and shielding her face in terror.
The bird's face took on an especially malicious look of confusion as it evilly backed away. "…Er, okay then, dear lady, you needed only to say 'no', you know."
Snapping into action, Oshawott removed the cutlass that was strapped to his manly, hairy chest and lunged at the bird. "Arrrrrgh! Keep yer hands off me squirrel mate, ye scurvy doge! I'll make ye walk the plank!"
"Ah, is this your romantic partner?" the bastard bird asked. "My word, I'm terribly sorry, sir. I didn't mean to-"
Before the bird could finish, Oshawott gave a mighty swipe of his cutlass, dismembering the braviary's member, eliminating him as a member of the 'Member Club', which nobody remembers.
"I say, how very rude of you," the flying-type complained before dying horribly, due to his lack of dong.
"Yarrr! Take that, ye horrible monster! Trying to lay claim to me lovely lass' firm booty, here…" Oshawott holstered his cutlass. "What a landlubber he be."
"Oh, Oshawott! My hero~!" Emolga cheered, wrapping both of her arms around him. "Thank you so, so much for saving me from having consensual sex with that bird."
"Oh, it be nothin', lass! I'd let no scallywag try to invade yer poopdeck. It be me otter's honour to serve and protect ye."
"Oshawott… "
The otter smiled in response. Before he could reply, however, he smelt it. The alluring smell… of apples.
…Emolga was in heat.
Oshawott could tell as such, because the smell of apples always makes pokémon horny. After all, why do you think that nobody is allowed to go to Apple Woods from Mystery Dungeon anymore? It's like aphrodisiac city over there. Hell, some people even call it worse than a schoolgirl anime, especially those with tentacles, which is saying something, believe me. I mean, believe Oshawott, because this is his POV, after all. I think. He thought.
"Yarr, now, outta the blue, let's celebrate with some consensual sex in the middle of this field!"
Emolga recoiled in surprise. "W-what? Do you… really mean that?" she asked, her eyes full of wonder.
"Aye, lass! The fic be rated M for a reason, y'know."
She blushed heavily and leapt forwards to embrace him. "Ohh, Oshawott, you sexy fuck, take me now!"
Grinning, he placed his maw against hers, and allowed his tongue to intermingle with hers, intimately.
Getting frisky, Oshawott started to, at the same time, place his paws against her backside, causing her to moan as he explored with his fingerless fingers.
As he groped her buttcrack, he could feel his mast start to rise from below the deck, intimately.
Feeling something pushing against her abdomen, Emolga stopped making out, looked down, and pointed at it, smirking. "Ooh, your little friend has come out to say hi~"
Blushing, he also looked down, and saw his humongous, five-inch dong start to burst out of his groin. The erection caused him to get pretty lightheaded, due to the fact that his giant dong was a third of his size, both length and width-wise, but he got over it soon afterwards. He was just lucky that water-types had more blood stored away in their nethers than most other pocket monsters!
"Aye, lass. That's because it knows what time it be," Oshawott said, before putting his maw close to her left ear. "Blow me down, Emolga…" he ordered, intimately. "Me sea snake be lonely~"
They held each other close, and then something something, 69.
"Holy shit!" they both said in unison as they each had their groins in each other's oral cavities.
As he went on with eating her vegeta, she continued to do the same to his titanic schlong, swishing her tongue around the tip of his iceberg like a swashbuckler, intimately.
"Ohh, yer mouth be so much better than Cilan's…" Oshawott moaned into her crotch.
In response, she did nothing but murmur happily, amongst her sweet, soft gasps. Intimately.
Suddenly, he stopped licking at her little squirrel doubloon as he felt his timbers about to be shivered. Confused, she removed her maw from his gargantuan dong and looked into his eyes, giving him a questioning look. Somehow.
"Forgive me, lass, but I wish to pillage yer booty," Oshawott explained. "If we keep goin' like this, me wailord's gonna blow its top before I get to do any ass plunderin'."
She smiled seductively, and then stood up as he did the same.
He smacked his terrific peepee hard against her asscheeks, because that's sexy, maybe. "Ye be ready to… 'sail the seven seas', lass?" he asked.
"…Bitch, you'd better believe it," Emolga whispered into his horn-ear-thing, seductively intimately. Afterwards, their maws became one yet again as they passionately kissed under the stars. Wait, shit, the time of day was never established, was it? Well, fuck, I don't know, sunset-filled evening or something, who gives a bugger, anyway.
…Um, as he continued to sail the seas of Emolga's wet, moisture-filled maw with his own maw, he quickly, and unceremoniously, shoved his five inches of wonder up her vagoja.
"Nfidjfhbskdf," Emolga said, passionately.
Rocking backwards and forwards like a boat on the seven seas, he slowly took out his monstrous penis, and then reinserted it into her vag repeatedly, as one does with fornication. As he continually fracked her up the majora, she tightly clenched both the grass and her buttcheeks as she was rocked back and forth like some kind of geodude, intimately.
After a while, as he removed his whopping peen, she rolled onto her head, allowing Oshawott to jump high into the air and then come down at sonic speeds to pile-drive his ginormous penis into her. This was hot and pleasurable for both of them, obviously. After that, he went back to vigorously burying his treasure inside of her, right next to the braviary's dong-less carcass from earlier.
He continued doing this until he felt something trying to force its way out of the holds of his ball sack. "OHHHHH, THAR SHE BLOOOOOOOOWS!" he yelled, gripping her buttocks tight as he released huge amounts of his men of the sea into her Utero, where her waiting eggs were fertilised by his rich, flavourful, delightful lemon juice.
After he was done filling her full of his latest water-type attack, they both collapsed into a pile.
Intimately.
Afterwards, they both faced each other and smiled. "I love ye, Emolga. Ye be me new first mate," Oshawott said, stroking her face softly.
"Y-yeah… I l-love… you too," Emolga replied while panting, still recovering from her own sweet release, which must have happened at around the same time as Oshawott's. "I love you more than apples and- BLERGRGH!" And then, without warning, she shat out an egg.
"…Holy barnacles, sex makes babies!?" Oshawott exclaimed, shocked.
"Well, of course it- BLOROROGHH!" She shat out another egg, and then three more.
"…Shiver me stimbers, I suddenly regret not wearing me shell for protection."
Before Oshawott could say anything else, one of the eggs cracked open, and then another, and then all of them at once.
…Wow, did that make him a father, then? Of quintuplets, even? Oshawott didn't know what to say… though maybe having a cute little bunch of Oshawott or Emolga babies aboard the crew wouldn't be so bad… In fact, it could even be- Holy fishsticks, that wasn't a pokémon!
As the eggs fully hatched and opened up, all of the creatures revealed themselves to actually be Mr. Maws from the Binding of Isaac™.
"What be the actual fuck!?" Oshawott yelled as his maw dropped in surprise. I mean, mouth.
"Guhhh…" the Mr. Maws groaned, as the eyeless, open-mouthed horrors broke free of their eggy prisons and slowly lumbered towards Oshawott, their bloody, pained faces full of malicious intent.
"Arrghh, oh no ye don't, ye son of a biscuit eater!" Oshawott said, unsheathing the cutlass that was strapped to his big dick. "…Er, which ain't me, of course."
"Hey!" Emolga shouted, offended by the otter's comment.
Oshawott scratched the back of his head. "Err… sorry, lass. Anyway! Yarrrr!" He ran forwards towards the horrible basement-dwelling creatures, cutlass in hand.
As he drew close, the heads on the Mr. Maws disconnected from their bodies, while still attached via a long, stretchy red rope, and lunged towards the otter. Reacting quickly, Oshawott rolled out of the way before jumping high into the air, slicing at the horrible, zombie-like monstrosities with his cutlass, which scored him a clean cut across two of their long necks at once. The decapitation didn't stop them, however; their heads simply started to float in the air, while their bodies walked around aimlessly, spurting balls of toxic blood in random directions from their neck-holes.
"Arrghhh, these be some nasty creatures! I be needing to use the more heavy-duty weaponry for these land lubbers..." Oshawott muttered, before taking out a glass of lemonade and pissing all over the floor. Unfortunately for the otter, however, his enemies simply walked around the tiny puddle of toxic, yellow creep, and continued with their assault. "Arrgh, goddamnit! Why must Lemon Mishap be the worst thing on the planet? It be worse than me Bob's Brain!"
He had no time to lament his shitty items, however; the Mr. Maws were closing in! Taking evasive action, Oshawott ran to his left. As he ran, one of the floating heads, which were known as maws, started firing bloody bullets at the otter. Not expecting the attack, he took one of the blood balls to the arm, which stung badly. "Arrrrgh, ye wee piece o' shit! I'll make ye join Davy Jones' Locker!"
Running past Emolga, who seemed to be straining on her back for some reason, Oshawott made his way to a locked, golden chest. Opening it with one of his sixty-nine keys, he pulled out his most precious of treasures and hoisted it above his head.
He'd found Mom's Rotten Scalchop, the ultimate weapon.
Wasting no time, the otter turned on his heel, rushed forwards, and then threw his Mom's Rotten Scalchop forwards. As it flew through the air, it impaled all of the Mr. Maws, and one of the floating maws, causing them all to explode in a shower of bloody gore. Afterwards, it returned to Oshawott like a boomerang, taking out one of the roaming head-less bodies at the same time.
Ignoring all of its dead siblings, the last hovering head merely floated past all of the gory chaos, and tried to line up another bloody shot to hit Oshawott with. As it came closer to the otter, however, the only thing that the maw got in return was Mom's Rotten Scalchop to the face, which caused it to violently explode into a sea of red mess.
After that, the only thing left was the creature's headless body, which Oshawott quickly dealt with, while making sure to avoid the relentless shower of bloody bullets coming from its neck-hole. Satisfied that all of his horrible children were dead, Oshawott fell backwards onto the grass, and sat there, panting. That'd been a close call!
After catching his breath, the otter turned around to face Emolga. "Yarr… ye be okay, me lovely la- Oh fuck."
Right in front of Emolga was a huge, house-sized egg. Even though the egg was about fifty times her size, and presumably had to be forced out of her cooch, the squirrel seemed to be none the worse for wear, even taking a second to wave at Oshawott joyfully.
"…What the hell be this, lass!?" Oshawott exclaimed, fearfully eyeing up the giant egg.
"It's an egg," Emogla said, shrugging.
Oshawott couldn't help but groan in response. Before he could say anything else, however, the egg shattered into bits, revealing a giant, angry-looking head with rows of large, sharp teeth, blood dripping down its face, holes where its eyes used to be, and a Mega Man helmet.
Yes… it was Mega Maw.
"Oh… dear," Oshawott muttered quietly, as he very nearly dropped anchor at the sight of the giant, zombie-like head.
"Yue must recovah all the ewergy immedially, W- Mega Mahn!" Emolga said suddenly, her face now covered in a big, white, fluffy beard and moustache. "We cannut let it fall intoe Doctah Wahwee's hands."
"…Yarrr, I can't believe I just put me free willy in that," Oshawott's only response was, as he exasperatedly shook his head.
Suddenly, as Oshawott was distracted by his old man of a girlfriend, Mega Maw took advantage of the situation by firing a volley of purple fire in the otter's direction.
Oshawott only had time to turn around before he was struck down by the violent violet flames. The impact caused him to scream as he got knocked over onto his side. "Argghhh…!"
"Oh no, it's Bass!" Emolga shouted out all of a sudden, pointing towards a giant fish that was falling down from the sky.
"Why must I fight you!? We are not! Enemies!" Mega Maw yelled, in a girly voice, towards the falling fish.
"Shut up!" the fish yelled as it fatally flopped down onto Mega Maw, killing him instantly. "Where's that damn fourth Chaos Emerl!?"
…Oshawott was done with life. Using three of his sixty-four bombs, he chose to take away the last two and a half of his remaining hearts, causing him to lifelessly flop to the ground as his soul escaped and headed towards Davy Jones' Locker.
As his soul departed, the otter moved into a relaxed position while he drifted away. "Yarrr… this be the sweetest release of them all…" he murmured happily. After a few seconds, though, his eyes snapped open in horror. "Wait, no! I had me a win-streak of twenty-hundred going! NOOOOOO!"
Dear Diary, today I died.
I was killed by this thing - :D - (Ugly)
in some Forest.
I leave all that I own to my cat, Snivy
[Mom's Rotten Scalchop, Lemon Mishap, Whore of Babylon, Ash's Bra, Emolga's ass] - (Cool stuff!)
Goodbye, cruel world.
XOXO Oshawott
Moral of this story: An apple a day keeps the ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) away.
Finished: 14/02 (February)/2015 (Happy Romantic-Except-Not-Really Day!)
Dong count: 3,131
VGS2's pointless dongs: Remember, guys! If you're alone this holiday season, don't be too sad about it. It's an extremely superficial holiday, anyway. It's usually more expensive than fun for most people, so go out and buy yourself a pizza or something with the money you'd have otherwise spent on expensive chocolate. You'll enjoy it!
Also, it goes without saying, but this fanfic's heavily inspired by Mewlover54's fun story, Unexpected Turn of Events. So yeah, feel free to go and check that out!
It's a story quite like this one, but less shitty. I'd recommend it if you're a lemon enjoyer! I mean, obviously you are one, or else you wouldn't have read this fic of mine, you naughty fellow, but still.
Oh well, and with all of that, I'm off. Tata for now! ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ
And remember: All flames, plzzz!
Next up: Snakes on a dong