The beginning of this is complete crap…and the middle…come to think of it, I'm not really happy about how this turned out, but every time I've said that, people like it… I give up, just read and decide for yourself.
I don't own Dragonball Z or Final Fantasy VII.
With his long silver hair billowing out in the breeze, and his beloved sword, Masamune firmly in its hilt, Sephiroth strolled…
A loud female voice rolled down from the clouds above.
"Stop!" she commanded.
Sephiroth merely glanced at the clouds, took no heed to the command and continued.
"No, no, no! It's too out of character for you to stroll like that!" the voice shouted, flustered. "You should be striding purposefully, not strolling aimlessly!"
To which, the mako-eyed man gazed at the sky.
"And why should it concern you?" he inquired.
"Because I am the closest thing to a God in this world…I'm the Authoress. And having people act out of character is one of my private hates."
"It's not very private if you've just told it to me," the elegant swordsman informed the Authoress, not at all impressed.
"Why did I write you to be so smart?" the Authoress wondered to herself. Then, to Sephiroth, she replied, "I'll have you know that I can squash you like a bug from where I am. I can enact your worst nightmares with a click of my fingers."
"I fear nothing – especially not some coward's voice in the sky. Just try to act out your childish threats."
All of a sudden, the sky grew dark and rain started to pour down in fat droplets, lashing down with the strong wind. Although this soaked Sephiroth to the bone, he failed to see what he should be so afraid of…until a far off rumble of thunder met his ears. That was all the warning he needed; he whipped the Masamune out of its hilt, throwing the blade high into the air. Sure enough, a hot finger of lightning streaked down through the sky, passing through the long sword, rather than Sephiroth, the lightning's original target.
Seeing that that was useless, the Authoress cleared the skies with a sigh.
"Alright, for now I'll let you live in peace…" the Authoress said begrudgingly.
"You'll let me, shall you?" Sephiroth said with a smirk, before continuing to stroll, just to annoy the deity above.
Suddenly, a bright white portal of light opened, mere centimetres from the tip of Sephiroth's nose. He stopped, and glared at the sky.
"This is your doing," he accused.
"Yes. And if you'd been striding, like I told you to, you would have gone through it!"
"What is it?"
"A portal to another dimension."
"And you honestly believed I would just enter it if it were placed in front of me?"
"I bet I could get you to go through it," the Authoress said, her voice full of confidence.
"What would you be willing to bet?"
"…Let's put it this way – if you can evade travelling to another world for a whole day, I'll give you…ten full minutes of total world domination, whereas if I manage to get you into this world, you must…kiss the first person you see."
Sephiroth frowned up at the sky. Trust a childish voice with childish threats to give him a childish bet. But world domination was tempting, however short-lived…
"I accept."
Suddenly, a portal opened beneath his feet, and gravity dragged him down into it before he had a chance to react. He landed in a bizarre, alien landscape, with blue-green grass and tall trees with small, spherical growths at the top.
"What is this place?" he asked the smug Authoress.
"Never mind about that, you still need to carry out your side of the bet and I spy a person to your left, in the distance."
Sephiroth glanced over – there was some kind of broken spacecraft, and a small navy blue dot beside it. He supposed his honour forced him to carry out the bet, as promised…so he started walking. After five minutes, he could see the figure a lot better.
He was slightly shorter than Sephiroth, even with his foot-high jet-black hair. He wore a dark blue spandex suit underneath what Sephiroth assumed was some kind of futuristic armour. He was heavily muscled, his body perfectly toned.
But, most importantly for Sephiroth, as far as his bet was concerned: "He's a male!"
"Well?"
"I'm not kissing a…forget it, make me do whatever else you wish, but I refuse to do that!"
"Have I found a sore spot, Sephi?" the voice taunted.
"My name is Sephiroth, you many not shorten it."
"You are in no position to be giving orders, Sephi. As I see it, you lost the right to any respect when you refused the bet…"
Sephiroth gave a noise of disgust, ran up to the man and – grimacing – kissed him briefly on the lips.
The voice in the sky wolf-whistled, adding to Sephiroth's embarrassment. "I never said where you had to kiss him, Sephi!"
The other man's face twisted into a snarl. "Who the hell do you think you are?" he shouted, before giving Sephiroth a crushing blow to the stomach.
The punch knocked the breath from his lungs and sent him flying a hundred yards into a conveniently placed mountain, creating deep cracks in the rock. Sephiroth slowly got to his feet, reeling from the blow. How could this man be so powerful?
"Hey, Sephi, are you alright?" the voice from above asked kindly.
Sephiroth said nothing – he merely dug a mastered Cure materia out of his very small, concealed travelling bag and cast Cure 3 on himself.
"Who was that person? I've never met anyone so strong…"
"Hmm, to be beaten by someone who isn't even infused with mako…must be quite embarrassing for you… He's Vegeta, prince of the Saiyans, although they're almost all wiped out now. I don't really know too much about him though – I have a friend who knows much more than me – she'd be more useful to ask, really."
"Why did you bring me here, of all worlds?"
"Because, here, there are people who could easily kill you without even thinking about it, and I like to annoy my characters."
"So I'd noticed," Sephiroth observed wryly.
"Anyway, you'd better figure out how to get me to take you back to your world – before you get killed…"
"I assume merely asking wouldn't prompt you to do anything?"
"Nope…by the way, think fast – Veggie can fly very fast and he's headed here right now…"
"This is ridiculous – I meet the first person who is more powerful than I am and his name resembles 'vegetable'…"
In any case, Sephiroth whipped out the Masamune as the Saiyan approached.
"So you didn't die from that blow? Pretty strong…for an Earthling," he sneered.
"Earth…ling?.." A look of mild curiosity crossed Sephiroth's face.
"He isn't from Earth, Vegeta," the voice from above told the stunned Saiyan prince.
"What is this? Who the hell are you?" he shouted at the sky.
"And here I was, just trying to be friendly…I'm the Authoress – just think of me as a Goddess and you'll be fine…"
Sephiroth used the distraction to launch at the Saiyan with his sword, fast as a flash of light – yet not fast enough. Vegeta easily dodged the attack, shooting a small white ball at Sephiroth – which was deflected by the Masamune, leaving a small, yet visible dent in the strong metal of the blade. The two launched into a fast and furious battle.
Sephiroth was used to fighting as fast as the eye can see. There was just one problem – Vegeta was used to fighting faster than the eye can see. Sephiroth could do nothing except defend himself from the onslaught of attacks, and this he was barely doing and losing stamina with every passing second.
Suddenly, Vegeta twisted around and grabbed Sephiroth's long, silky hair. With another quick manoeuvre, the Masamune was in his hands too.
It was almost too quick for the eye to follow – Vegeta intended to cut the silver hair to shoulder-length – yet, Sephiroth pulled forward at the last second, so less than an inch was cut instead. From the yell that Sephiroth shouted, full of curses and insults, most people would have sworn that Sephiroth had just had a sizeable portion of his flesh gauged out.
The curses were so vehement that even Vegeta stepped back…then retrieved a notebook and wrote some of then down. Well, you didn't think he comes up with all of his cool lines on the spot, did you?
Just as Sephiroth's shouting rant came to an end, the Authoress took the opportunity to make the sky rain random objects. Coal, oranges, candy canes and tinsel shot down from the sky, buffeting the One Winged Angel.
"I just thought that Christmas was a bit of a disaster this year, so I interjected a bit of late Christmas cheer into this bit of the story…" the Authoress explained.
"And what's so cheerful about it?" Sephiroth wondered, removing a gold strand of tinsel from his silver hair.
"Well, we get a small laugh…"
Suddenly, the last orange fell, bursting on impact and spilling it's juice all over the livid man's silver hair.
"Do you know how hard it is to wash fruit juice out of hair this long?!" he shouted. "My hair is ruined!"
"Okay, then, I'll give you a hand with that," the Authoress said innocently…before opening a freezing cold shower of rain above him.
"I notice that I'm becoming the butt of all the slap-stick comedy jokes at the moment," Sephiroth observed.
So, in an attempt to equalize things, the Authoress sent a random cream filled pie in the direction of Vegeta's face. However, as Vegeta possesses a superior set of reflexes to everyone else in this story, he easily dodged the pie, which then sailed past to collide into a disgruntled Sephiroth's face…
He wiped the white, creamy substance from his face…and the Authoress giggled at the innuendo. With an angered growl, he began to attack the closest thing to him – Vegeta. After a few seconds in which Vegeta made it painfully obvious that he was far more suited to the battle than Sephiroth (who was now weighted down with fruit juices, rain water and pie), the Authoress ended the battle.
"Vegeta, don't kill Sephiroth – he's needed back in his home world. Sephiroth, you can't beat Vegeta, you're too weak," the Authoress said curtly.
"Wait…" Sephiroth said, ignoring the insult to his abilities. "If I am, as you said, needed back on my home world, sooner or later you will have to send me back."
"He is far too smart…" the Authoress sighed. "Okay, so that is true, but it would be all too easy for me to send Vegeta back at the same time, too. Technically, it would change the whole fate of your world, but I'm sure I can find ways around that…"
"This world he comes from…are they all as weak as him?" Vegeta asked with a smirk – obviously an idea was forming.
"Yes, they are, or weaker, but that doesn't mean you can rule their world – I wouldn't allow it. For one thing, they have Bahamut – that's got to be worth protecting any day."
"You would protect my world…for the sake of one materia? For one, quite weak, little summon?"
"But he's a dragon… Besides, it's not just that, Cloud and Vincent are probably worth saving, too…and Nanaki, because he's just awesome…"
"You'd protect my world for the sake of my enemies? That's even worse…"
A fierce roar halted this conversation. "Stop ignoring me!"
Silence followed Vegeta's request, until a high-pitched squeal and a flustered cry of, "Get the hell off me, Earthling woman!" broke it.
Sephiroth looked on in puzzlement – a teenage girl with very fluffy black hair had apparently appeared out of nowhere to latch herself to the Saiyan's neck…and by the look of things, she wasn't about to let go anytime soon.
"What?.." Sephiroth started to ask.
"She's the friend I mentioned earlier," the Authoress explained. "She's completely insane about Vegeta…"
"Why? He's so…crude…"
The girl turned, a glint of pure anger in her eyes and even Sephiroth felt a small tremor of fear at the look, despite being infinitely stronger than the girl.
"Don't you dare talk about my poor little Veggie in that way! His low, gorgeously rich voice…his brilliantly muscled body…his amazing hair…"
With every new description, it seemed the girl was becoming more and more content, drifting slowly away into a world of her own…
"He has a receding hairline," Sephiroth bluntly pointed out.
The girl seized a heavy mallet out of thin air and swung it with all her strength at the skull of the mako-eyed man.
"Don't you ever talk about my Veggie's hair like that!" she shouted, before staring dreamily at the Saiyan Prince.
"Oh, crap, you got her talking about Vegeta…" the Authoress sighed. "This may take several hours involving any possible yaoi, life history and funny or humorous quotes."
Vegeta snapped his head up to yell, "Yaoi?!" at the sky.
"Well, yeah, you and Goku…"
"What?! Me and Kakarott?!"
"You seem pretty obsessed about him for someone who isn't…" the girl on the ground said smugly.
"And we've heardyou mumble his name in your sleep…" the voice in the sky added.
"But…me…and that weakling…" Vegeta spluttered.
"This is ridiculous; on this basis, you could pair Cloud and I up," Sephiroth said calmly.
The girl turned to him with a grin.
"And who says they haven't?"
"Who is this 'they' and…why do they delight in making me suffer?"
"'They' are the yaoi fangirls, and they don't normally make you suffer. After all, you tend to be seme…"
For once, the silver-haired man was speechless.
"Now where was I?" the girl wondered.
"Hugging Vegeta?"
With a delighted 'squee', the girl latched herself onto the Saiyan's neck again.
"Get off me!" Vegeta growled, pushing the girl off him. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't end your pathetic existence right now!"
"Because you would never hurt a girl, would you?" she asked, pouting.
Vegeta looked sorely tempted, but eventually… "It'd be a waste of my time. Get out of my way, girl."
"I have a name. It's Bex," she smiled at the Saiyan, before reluctantly releasing him from the hug.
"These two are…" Sephiroth started disdainfully.
"Annoying?" Vegeta suggested.
"Randomly hyper, giggling, perverted schoolgirls," Sephiroth finished.
"So you noticed?" the Authoress said happily.
"That wasn't supposed to be a compliment," Sephiroth clarified.
"We know. We still appreciate the thought, though," Bex said, grinning.
Vegeta turned away with a sneer.
"Where are you going?"
"To find my Dragonballs," he spat, before jumping into the air and zooming off without a second thought.
"Veggie!" Bex yelled desperately at the disappearing figure.
She was ignored, and Vegeta became nothing more than a speck in the sky.
"Dragon…balls?" Sephiroth wondered.
"They're seven balls, which when gathered, summon a dragon who will grant any wish," the Authoress explained.
"If there are seven of these…balls…does that mean there are…dragon-eunuchs wandering around?"
The girls sighed. "Couldn't you think of anything more original?"
"It was an honest inquiry. Seeing how perverted you two are, it would make sense if you brought me to a world which is also perverted," Sephiroth reasoned.
"We aren't that bad!" they protested.
"Yeah, who could do that to the poor dragons?" the Authoress added.
"So, these Dragonballs…if I gather them, I could have any wish?" Sephiroth wondered.
"We shouldn't have said that…" the Authoress said, worriedly anticipating Sephiroth's thoughts.
"I could get back to my world…I could have the ultimate power…"
"Okay, he's too smart – I'm sending him home now!" the Authoress said hurriedly.
A bright white flash of light, and Sephiroth was back in the unmistakable wasteland he'd started the story in. With just one small difference…
Standing in front of him, barely three millimetres from the tip of his nose, was a certain spiky-haired blonde… Cloud was alarmed to see his enemy materialise out of thin air, to say the least, but was far more surprised with what happened next.
Sephiroth threw back his head, and hollered at the sky. "This is your doing! You sick-minded yaoi fangirl!"
Cloud and the rest of his travelling group looked at the strange scene in silence.
"I'm not the only one to see this, am I?" Cloud numbly asked.
The rest of the group slowly shook their heads, just as shocked as Cloud at the unexpected scene.
"This must be the work of Hojo," Cloud concluded. "Everything bad is the work of Hojo."
As a result of this insanity, Hojo was killed, although the heroes blamed it on his past deeds; Sephiroth was left with an annoying voice in his head, even though he was insane to begin with; and Bex became a Vegeta-stalker…
"Excuse me, became?" the Authoress questioned.
…And Bex continued to be a Vegeta-stalker…
A few days later, Bex was lying on her stomach on a cliff edge, peering down at the Sayain below. A page lay on the ground, which he stooped to pick up.
"Go on...read it..." Bex whispered under her breath.
The Saiyan read the sheet of paper swiftly, before tearing it up into tiny pieces and scattering it to the wind. For the slightest of seconds, a smirk was visable, before it was clouded by an exagerated enraged expression. He zoomed up into the sky, scanning the ground below for his target. Spoting the mass of fluffy hair, he shot down.
"Stop following me."
And he zoomed off.
"Well..." she started with a smirk. "He never said not to leave him any yaoi...in fact, he still hasn't..."
The next few days would be rather interesting...
So, this one-shot – probably rubbish, but it was a sleep-deprived idea that just kept bugging me. Obviously, the Authoress is loosely based on me and Bex is…one hundred per cent Bex, no exaggeration needed!
Please review if you got this far!