Harry Potter and the Real Sorting

By Draught of Living Death

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Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the character. Unfortunately they belong to J.K. Rowling, but that does not mean that I cannot play with them.

Warning: I wrote this story at 2 o'clock in the morning, so it might seem a little weird.

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The moment Professor McGonagall called "Potter, Harry," whispers broke out in the Great Hall. Harry stared nervously at the stool, then at the hat and – at last – at McGonagall, who nodded encouragingly. The hat was placed on his head as he sat down, and the Great Hall disappeared as the hat covered his eyes.

"Well, well, well – Harry Potter," the hat murmured, and Harry almost jumped in surprise.

He quickly gathered himself, though, and thought: "Come on, get it over with. I don't have all day!"

The Hat seemed annoyed as it bristled and answered with an angry voice: "Okay, have it your way, then!" Something that sounded suspiciously like a sob, and then "Let's see – hmm, definitely not a Ravenclaw. Too lazy and stupid, and no loyalty either – not a Hufflepuff then. Hmm Gryffindor or Slytherin…

"Oh no," Harry thought, "not Slytherin, Voldemort was there, and Ron, whom I met for the first time a few hours ago, will probably be in Gryffindor. Draco Malfoy is in Slytherin, and he insulted Hagrid, the first friend I ever had. Of course I met him a couple of days ago – also for the first time… I cannot go there! Not Slytherin, not Slytherin, not Slytherin!"

The last part was whispered furiously, and all the students leaned forward in an attempt to find out what the Boy-Who-Lived was saying, but none of them had any luck.

The Staff of Hogwarts just waited patiently. Translation: Most of them had already or were about to finish their meals, Dumbledore was just sitting there, eyes twinkling, a few slept peacefully.

The Hat answered Harry with barely concealed glee: "Yes, definitely Slytherin. I can see it now. Since Slytherin is the house with all the Dark Wizards, this is where you should be. You are evil, Harry Potter, mwahahaha!" The hat laughed hysterically.

Meanwhile Harry suspected that some evil wizard – or worse an idiot – had Confunded the damn thing. Never mind that he didn't know anything about magic and therefore obviously not the Confundus Spell either.

When the Hat heard… saw… read?! that thought (now that was confusing. How did it – err… know what he was thinking? Harry felt a headache coming forth and decided not to think about it.), it huffed angrily and told him: "No, but if you are that stupid, I might as well place you in Hufflepuff."

Harry's eyes widened. "No! You wouldn't-"

"Yes, I would," was the calm answer.

"But that's even worse than Slytherin! They're weak, they are supposed to be loyal and all that crap and I am not! I only do something for my own personal gain. The only person, whom I am loyal to, is me. ME!!!

He didn't notice the shocked looks he got, as he shouted the last word. Not that anyone had heard what he had yelled, but since they had all been fast asleep, they woke up rather abruptly. McGonagall looked at her watch, Albus's eyes were twinkling (really? Naah!), and Snape was silently fuming. He just wanted to sleep, but no! Harry Bloody Potter had to sit there with the Sorting Hat, but when would he get sorted? No knew. He was just as his arrogant father – an attention seeking and spoilt brat... If looks could kill, poor Harry would have been reduced to a pile of ashes, but there were witnesses, so… Snape had to wait…

In the meantime the Sorting Hat and Harry had a little argument about whether he belonged to Hufflepuff or not. Or – they both agreed on that one of course, but the Hat was fed up with Harry's complaining. The only thing Harry could think of then was to beg.

"Please! Then put me in Slytherin – anywhere but Hufflepuff! Even though I am no Slytherin – just put me there, please! Not Hufflepuff, not Hufflepuff, not Hufflepuff" He shook his head pathetically as the words came out.

"Stop that, I'm feeling a little faint up here," the hat yelled into his mind (or whatever). When Harry stopped, the hat was silent for a while, then: "No, Hufflepuff will suit you just fine. You did not want to be in Slytherin just a few minutes ago, but now… Can you make up your mind?"

"Okay, I can talk to snakes, but no one will find out about that until second year. I got this "gift" from Voldemort, and he's the Heir of Slytherin. I have no problems whatsoever with rule breaking, and I rarely if ever get caught – of course it will help, when I get my Invisibility Cloak at Christmas… I'm quite cunning, really. I would always save my own skin, instead of being brave and reckless, and therefore it is obvious that I should be in Gryffindor!" Harry proudly finished.

The Hat was stunned into silence.

"Hat?" Harry tried.

Silence.

"Mr. Sorting hat?"

More silence.

"Hey!" Harry yelled (still in his mind). "I just realized something. I'm a Slytherin!"

Silence.

Then-

"And you figured that one out all by yourself? I'm stunned!" the Hat drawled.

"Yeah, well, whatever," Harry answered slightly put out. "Just put me in Slytherin where I belong!"

"Are you sure this time?" the Hat answered in a voice, which Harry didn't like at all.

"Yes, I am!"

"Well then," the Hat said, "GRYFFINDOR!" The last part was yelled out loud.

Harry froze for a moment. Then he yelled: "What?"

The Hat chuckled, and the last thing Harry heard before it was ripped off his head was: "You didn't expect me to put you in a house you were opposed to, did you? I just succeeded in making you believe that you were a Slytherin. I could probably have made you believe that you were a Hufflepuff if I had had enough time!" Then it cackled evilly.

Harry just stared at it for a moment. "But I'm a Slytherin," he mumbled to himself, and then he slowly walked over to the Gryffindor table and sat down to sulk. He looked up and caught the twinkling eyes of the Headmaster, and had he been able to perform Legilimency on him, he would have known that Professor Dumbledore was the reason for him being in Gryffindor and not Slytherin as he wanted. No, the Headmaster thought that it was for the best, the Greater Good, if the Golden Boy-Who-Lived was placed in that particular House instead of the Dark One. Therefore he had cast the Imperius Curse on the Sorting Hat.

That night Harry tossed and turned in his sleep. Suddenly he screamed: "Hufflepuff!?? Nooooo!"

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A/N: Now that you (hopefully, or - for your own sake - not) have read the story: I would love reviews. Even if you just want to tell me how weird this story is. If you find any errors; just tell me! No matter what! English is not my first language, so any help is wonderful!!!