Author Note: Wooow! First fic in, like, 4 years! But my new obsession for Grey's Anatomy just couldn't not lead me to fanfic ideas! So, hmm, my first language is French: there is mistakes in this text and I have no editor so… If someone's interested in correcting my texts before I post them, email me or review!!

The story takes place right after the second season, and let's pretend there never was a third season – though some things that happened in it will probably come back, I don't know. Let's say I rewrited season 3!

I do not own Grey's Anatomy or its oh-so-lovely characters! I just own my ideas. Mwahaha

Please R & R!

5:30 AM. The alarm clock let its strident and irritating beep filling the quiet room as Meredith hit it with an aggressive fist. Another sleepless night wasted thinking, worrying and listening to the lapping of the unceasing rain against the roof. Another cold, gray dawn, but still the same whispers coming from the kitchen, the same coffee emanations, the same unruly sheets surrounding her numb body. Only this time, she knew everything was different, she knew everyone had changed during the night. She exactly knew that when she would go down the stairs and enter the kitchen, when she would see those ravaged faces, the visages of the people she learnt to love as days passed by, nothing will be the same.

She closed her eyes, as sorrow filled her entire body, and hid her face under her pillow. Flashbacks from the evening before kept torturing her, the bittersweet memories of Derek's mouth against her burning skin, his passionate kisses against her greedy lips, his soft fingers caressing her yearning body, his dark and careless hair, his traits distorted with pleasure, the fusion of their breathe, of their body, of their love, feeling him emancipate, rebirth and finally live inside of her… Before yesterday, she wouldn't have admitted it, even to herself, but she had waited for this moment for so long! The minute their lips sealed together, the minute their body collapsed, the minute their hands started to reach for each others' clothing, she realized how much she had missed him and how much she loved the guy.

She was about to sit up to get out of her bed when someone knocked on her door.

"Meredith?"

Something in George's voice somewhat confirmed to Meredith that things were probably worst than what she had expected. It wasn't all the sadness George's interpellation visibly contained, it was not the soft volume he used, as if he knew she was already awake; she didn't know how, but understood that the next days would probably be rough, painful and filled with tears. For everyone.

She stood up and opened the door. George, who was leaning on her door one second ago, lost his stability, but managed not to fall or to drop the coffee cup he had brought to Meredith.

"We all think you need a strong and steaming coffee…" he said, handing her the green and heavy cup. She accepted it and smiled. It felt so great that George wasn't mad at her anymore, she had missed his friendship so much – all because of her, that she knew perfectly, she and he kept and kept reminding her.

"Why is everyone already up?" she asked, after swallowing her first sip. The cream-colored beverage stayed for a long time in her mouth, nested between her tongue and cheeks, as she savored the bitter, yet comforting taste, as she enjoyed the caffeine waiting to have its effect on her.

"Why are youup, Meredith?"

"I forgot to set down my alarm, this morning. And… I couldn't sleep anyway, so... The alarm was probably just to tell me that it was enough with the tossing and turning, it wouldn't lead me anywhere…" She said, before sipping her coffee again. "And you?"

"Nevermind. By the way, where were you last night?"

A panicked gleam appeared an instant in Meredith's turquoise eyes, but disappeared as fast as it came.

"Well, at the prom. Like everyone else."

"No, I mean after. Before Denny's de…" He stopped, turned around, and kept talking, but in a softer way. "Before Denny died…"

She brought the mug to her lips to hide her embarrassment.

"I don't know what and when you're talking about. I was either with you and the others or with Finn. I was no where else, with no one else."

George looked at her and finally shrugged.

"If you say so…"

Meredith stepped out of the room, closed the door behind her.

"Is… Is Izzie alright?"

"Well… She's still in the bathroom. The door is closed and she won't let anyone come in. Cristina and Alex are there. They came to see how she was, but she doesn't want to hear anything. She doesn't even talk, she just keeps on asking us to go away each time we knocked on the door to see how she is."

Meredith nodded. How did we end up here? If I hadn't fallen in love with Derek, maybe… No. Even not falling in love with Derek wouldn't have prevented Izzie from falling in love with Denny: and what was the link, anyway? Why was she always thinking, talking and making analogy about Derek and her relationship with Derek. Derek, Derek, always him. Always her McDreamy with his McSmile, and his McEyes, and his McHands… With his tender lips going down on her neck and breasts…

But, for God's sake, McDreamy was also McMarried and his wife was a diamond of kindness! And she was going out with Finn. Finn was a great guy, the perfect guy for her, and she managed to sleep with Derek anyway! She hated her and hated him at the same time. She had finally started to pick up the pieces of her broken self and found a little part of happiness in Finn's arms, and she just threw it all away for one night in Derek's arms! No. It was not possible to keep going that way. It was definitely time to put a cross on Derek and consider him as untouchable. He was with Addison. She was with Finn.

If only Dog could have survived, so Derek wouldn't always keep looking at her intensely like he was totally bewitched by her!

"Meredith?" She startled.

"Sorry, I was totally… not there. Anyway, let's go downstairs."

George followed her, still wondering about what she was doing yesterday when both Finn and he were looking for her.

As they entered the kitchen, the aggressive-ish debate between a visibly annoyed Cristina and an arrogant Alex immediately stopped as they turned their head towards them.

"You can keep arguing I'm not Izzie." she said, as she took a muffin from the plastic box that waited on the counter. She tore a piece of soft paste and put it in her mouth, looking at her friends who remained silent. "Why're you all here at 5:30?"

"How could I sleep alone in Burke's apartment, in Burke's bed, knowing that he had been shot and he's still in the hospital?"

"But, isn't it your apartment too?"

"Well… I don't feel at home when he's not there…" she mumbled in her cup of coffee.

"Oh!" Meredith leaned her head in approval and looked at Alex.

"I couldn't sleep, so I went for a jog… After a few kilometers, I decided to come here… to check on Iz, if she was okay and all… Apparently, she's not." He bit his bottom lip and forced himself to smile. "You should go and talk to her."

"Why me?" asked Meredith, before taking another piece of her muffin.

"Because she won't want to talk to me, Cristina sucks at those things and George… is George… Besides, you're a girl."

"So..?"

"So she'll open up to you. You also lost your man lately, you're all…"

"Dark and twisty?" she tried, rolling her eyes.

"Yes, exactly!"

"Fine. I'll go talk to her."

Meredith finished her coffee and climbed the stairs. She stopped in front of the door and put her head against the wood of the very door that was leading to the bathroom. All she could hear was Izzie's multiple "Why, Denny, why?" between her tearing sobs. Meredith closed her eyes: her friend was broken. A ghost, a zombie, a body dispossessed of its soul. Denny's death ripped her heart off her chest and left her all bloody and torn, with only her friends to cling to. She had no career anymore. She had lost the person she loved the most.

Meredith knocked on the door.

"Izzie?" No answer. "Iz, it's me…"

"Go away!!"

"Iz, please. I'd like to talk to you…"

"I got nothing to say to you. Go away!"

"Izzie… Open that door…"

"No!"

"You can't remain there forever, lying on the bathroom floor in your prom dress!"

Once again, there was no answer. Meredith knocked again.

"What now?" Izzie yelled, crying.

"Iz… Can I just come in? I won't say anything, I won't try to make you feel better, I won't try to pretend everything's okay. I'll just lie down with you…"

At first, Izzie felt like yelling no again, like something automatic that you do without thinking or hesitating. But she didn't. She just remained silent for a while, holding the corner of the rug, letting her tears roll on her smeared cheeks and dying on the cold ceramic squares. She surely didn't feel like seeing Meredith: she felt like seeing no one. Except Denny, whom she would hold so tight against her, whom she would kiss and touch, whom she would have married. But Denny was dead. And she was alone.

She didn't move or startle when she heard the 'click' of the door opening and the noise of Meredith's steps on the ground. She did nothing more when her friend sat down and laid next to her. She kept crying silently, making the little puddle next to her cheek bigger as she sobbed. As she promised, Meredith stayed silent. The white ceiling aspired her like a whirlwind, as she drowned into her own thoughts. Derek was married. And she had slept with him.

You're such a whore, Grey, she told to herself. A dirty mistress who sleeps with an obviously married man, married to a sweet and perfect woman. She hated him so much, and she hated her even more.

Finn is a great guy. Finn's the perfect guy for me. I like Finn. She kept on telling herself, as if she was trying to convince herself of a fact that she knew wasn't exactly true. She did like him… But he was not Derek.

"Do you believe in Heaven, Mer?"

Izzie's voice was so low that Meredith first thought she hallucinated it; an unsteady, fragile voice that contained all the pain that kept the blond-haired to the ground. Did she believe in Heaven? She didn't know, she never really thought about it: people live and people die. That was it.

"Denny believed in it. He told me that he would watch over me from up there. But you see, I don't want him to be up there. Just… with me…"

Meredith smirked, as she looked at Izzie.

"Do you believe in Heaven, Mer?" she repeated, like a desperate beg that was still tightening her throat, even after it went out.

"I don't know…" she finally said, patting the soft and unfasten blond hair.

"You see: I don't even know, so how can I comfort myself telling he's still with me and that we'll meet again someday?" she cried, sobs giving her body tremors. Meredith kept stroking her hair, no hiatus in her patting. "He asked me to marry him, Mer! He was the only one who didn't love me because I was a pretty girl, who didn't love me because I had been a model: he deeply loved me, you see… We were supposed to get married and to grow old together and…"

She couldn't finish her sentence: sobbing took over her words and she burst out into tears. Meredith bit her bottom lip as she kept patting her hair. What could she do? They shouldn't have asked her to go and to cheer up Izzie: she was so bad at cheering up people. Izzie would have found the perfect words, but Izzie was the one lying on the cold floor, Izzie was the broken-hearted one – though Meredith wasn't bouncing with joy either as for her love life – Izzie was the one she needed to comfort. And she couldn't even find the right words.

Meredith gently smiled and said:

"Stand up, I'll help you getting out of your dress."

"No!" she cried. "I chose it for Denny! I chose it for him!"

"I know… But do you think he'd like to see you like this?"

She said nothing and let Meredith help her to stand up and undo the zipper of the gown, which fell in a fluid pink hill around Izzie's bare legs. She also let her friend wash her in the shower, still crying, still letting her tears fall and mix with the drops of water running down her face.

After Meredith muffled her in a soft and thick towel, she sat down on the floor and leaned on the bathtub. She wasn't crying anymore, but she was still mute and inert, as if she was dead or into a vegetative coma. Meredith sat down on the toilet and watched her gazing blankly at the wall in front of her.

"Have you ever lost someone you loved so much that you felt like you just couldn't make it without him?" Izzie finally said, after fifteen minutes of silence. "And, when the person's gone, you just think about what you could have told him or do with him?"

"Yeah. I do." Meredith said, after a few seconds of silence.

"You know, there is just so much things I wish I would have said to Denny… Just so many things…" she said, sobbing even more.

And so much things I could have said to Derek… Meredith thought, with this old bitter taste in the mouth. The old and bitter taste of guilt.

A/N: I hope it wasn't that boring. I know there's nothing big that happened, but it's coming guys! Tell me what you think about it!!