"In my beginning is my end,
In my end is my beginning."
- T.S. Eliot
A sigh to end all sighs.
Few can sigh this way, and it only comes to pass at such a moment in one's life at which one feels like one will never sigh again. So, naturally, it is a sigh that comes naturally, a sigh which one does not need to practice to do correctly because it is a sigh that signals an end and can therefore only be done one way once because, after all, all ends are different, and all ends are actually only beginnings.
Digression.
The boy who had emitted this foreboding sigh focused the impossibly unwavering blue of his eyes on the impossibly unwavering white of the ceiling, his mouth set in a decisively soft frown – the kind of frown that promises a sad despair as its cause. (This was very different from the decisively firm frown he had worn the evening before, which can only be displayed in a resolutely hopeless situation.) His thin hands lay folded neatly on his stomach, his left wrist suffocated in stained gauze and medical tape. His back had never been straighter than it was now, nestled firmly into the perfectly white sheets, the cleanliness and blankness of which could only describe a hospital bed.
A woman stood beside him in that same unending white, expressing something to him that didn't seem to ride any sound waves to his ears, and which he was sure was unnecessary to know anyway. Through the wall, his brain led him to listen to the soft soprano melancholy of a girl weeping quietly in the next room.
"Naruto-kun?"
That's right. His name. Uzumaki Naruto. He decided that until now he must have forgotten it. He hadn't thought he would need it anymore; where he wanted to go, what he was called was irrelevant, as long as he was there.
"Naruto-kun?" The nurse was pretty, her black hair cropped short, dark eyes kind. His hazy mind couldn't be sure, but he thought he remembered someone calling her by Shizune. "As you know, this is your room, and you will be sharing it with another boy. He's been here a while; he'll help you get settled." The sympathy in her smile betrayed her thoughts: But you don't really want to get settled here, do you? Her pale finger was shaking as it extended. "Your clothes are in there, that closet. A man brought them – Iruka-san? He said he was your teacher. He was really worried. But yes, there are clothes in there, and some books." Gently, she turned and set a black notebook on the nightstand, a stark contrast to the infinite white. "This is yours. Use it. Write anything you like. We'll only read it if you ask us to, or if we find we have a real reason to need to." She stood straight, and her white teeth allowed themselves visibility through her lips as she clutched the clipboard to her chest. "Dinner's at 6:30. You can stay in here till then; we don't have a group session again today until after you eat. Any questions?"
For, he thought, the first time in his life, Naruto chose silence, his eyes fixed on her face. The one question that came to his mind was the one he knew he couldn't ask, and she seemed to know it too, nodding in understanding.
Why didn't you let me die?
0
Sleep was the activity Naruto chose when Shizune left him. His mind felt infinitely weary, and he succumbed to the pressure of his eyelids, curling into the fetal position as if it was the only way to protect himself.
He was an overly-energetic boy as a rule, who loved to talk and did so often, though he usually was only speaking to himself because he had no friends or family to knowledge. Despite the bright smile he could usually be seen wearing, he was immensely lonely and, more often than not, unhappy. No one gave a second thought to his feelings because no one expected them to falter from the bubbly optimism that didn't really exist.
His eyelids fluttered open to a digital clock on his nightstand reading 7:03 and a tray filled with food resting beside it. His stomach turned, sickened by the thought of putting anything in his mouth, but he pushed himself up on his bed, reaching for a dinner roll to ease the upset of the organ.
"You'd better have a strong jaw if you're intending to chew that."
He looked up; his gaze found a pale boy sitting cross-legged on the bed opposite him, a book propped in his lap. Dark hair fell over his face, leaving only thin pale lips and a delicate chin visible. As he studied him, that mouth moved again.
"We're not usually allowed to eat in here, so don't get used to having your meals delivered for you. Our last session of the day is from eight to nine. We have one at eight in the morning too, right after breakfast. Our only other is at two. Then at four, we have an 'arts and crafts' time, which I guess is supposed to be therapy too but is really just a waste of time. Other than that, we're free to do whatever wholesome activity we like." Through all this, he had been speaking in a monotone tenor that seemed outrageously arrogant in this place in which they were trapped, and each word had a dry lilt that betrayed sarcasm. His head lifted, large dark eyes almost glaring at him, an elegant eyebrow cocked. "Understand?"
Naruto nodded, staring. "How many times have you had to say that?"
A thin shoulder lifted up in a shrug. "Twenty or so."
Blue eyes widened. "How long have you been here?"
Dark eyes dropped again, and his frown seemed suddenly more deliberate. "Over a year," his voice was soft.
Naruto thought he liked it better that way. "Why've you been here so long?"
"I'm making no progress." His tone mocked that of a doctor, his hair swinging like a curtain before his profile. "Besides, they're cautious about letting people like me out."
The blonde head tilted in curiosity. "People like … you?" The question seemed to cross the line, as if what he was asking him to explain was against the rules of the conversation. But Naruto was always prone to breaking rules.
The glare returned as a glint to those dark eyes, and abruptly, he left the room, murmuring, "Come on. Group starts soon."
0
"Hello, everyone," Naruto could not get over the sweet gentility of Shizune's smile. "We have a new friend today: Naruto."
He forced a grin for the people around the circle. He had claimed a lumpy cushion of the couch, closest to his roommate, who sulked in an armchair beside him. On the other end of the couch, a small red-haired boy seemed to sink into his corner, and in the chair on that end, a shy girl with pale eyes was curled up, as if trying to disappear, and she smiled a shy greeting at Naruto, and his reply couldn't be anything but genuine. Shizune sat opposite their semi-circle in a rolling chair. "Shall we introduce ourselves?" she seemed determined to force these three quiet people to speak.
Naruto knew this would be a long stay. He was already at odds with one member of the group, which was smaller than he had supposed. These people seemed so sad, so lost and alone. They had given up on the thought of being rescued from their solitude. Naruto felt that he might have too but was determined not to end up like them.
0
"I'm Uchiha Sasuke." He had said softly. "I don't particularly like anything. I hate a lot of things."
Now Naruto sat cross-legged on his bed, tapping a pen against the blank white page of the black notebook, trying to think of something to write. Parallel to him, in perfect symmetry, Sasuke sat on his bed, a book once again claiming the space between his spread knees, and Naruto's eyes were drawn to him, to the slight dip of his head that kept his posture straight, to the panic of black hair that seemed to have a mind of its own, to the delicate curve of his jaw that clenched and relaxed periodically. There was something enchanting in his demeanor, that Naruto found attractive.
On the paper in his notebook, the first line began, in a scrawl of near-illegibility: Uchiha Sasuke.
0
"Sasuke?" Naruto's love of speech had caught up with him as they were lying on their backs on their beds, waiting for Shizune to do the final check of the night to give them the call to go to bed.
"Hm?" Sasuke, in contrast, did not like to talk and had decided listening to his new roommate ramble was easier when one didn't respond.
"Do we ever get to go outside?"
He rolled over, his back to the stupid boy and his stupid questions.
Naruto sighed, figuring the conversation (What conversation? He thought.) was over, and his eyes lingered on the ceiling, fingers tapping against one another on his stomach. "I hope we get to go outside."
"Lights out." Shizune's kind face appeared through the door. "Naruto-kun, Tsunade-sama said your bandages can come off if the bleeding's stopped."
His legs swung to the floor, his socked toes settling lightly on wood. He cradled his arm, his gaze nervously flitting from his roommate to the counselor. "I'd prefer them on."
Shizune frowned. "Naruto-kun, no one here will judge you." She sat down lightly beside him and took his arm, carefully unwrapping the bandages. "Look at that. It won't even leave too bad a scar. Just make sure it stays clean."
Sasuke stared at him, curiosity smooth his face, as Shizune closed the door behind her. "Well?"
A lift, meeting, and immediate fall of the eyes; Naruto's face burned in self-consciousness, and he shifted uncomfortably. "'Well' what?"
Sasuke's lips pursed, eyes knowing. Why are you here?
A silence fell heavy over the room, settling like birds on their shoulders, and they sighed as if a weight actually remained prostrate there. "I tried to kill myself." The voice was soft, ashamed; the lips turned down, judging; the eyes cast away, sad. "I took a knife to my wrist and just …" He trailed off. The newly-closed wound shone with a level of pride and embarrassment, a jaded thing that would exist forever.
"Good."
Pale eyebrows furrowed as the blonde head lifted. "What?"
Sasuke leaned forward to hit the switch, and darkness descended in the room. Naruto, who remained seated, heard the rustling plop that meant his roommate had fallen back on his pillow, and then that emotionless voice followed: "I'm glad you're not a sociopath; they get old fast."
Naruto almost smiled.