Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you
BANG.
"James bloody Potter! That is the last straw! We're over!-"
"But, Lily-"
"Save it! I'm not going to hear any of your excuses. And to think I actually liked you for a bit and believed you had changed-"
"But, I did change, Lily-I mean, I am changed!" I leaned forward to grasp her arm. She wrenched it away.
"Don't you dare touch me, Potter." She spat with an icy tone, before flicking her hair and walking away from me.
"Lily!" I called after her, hoping she'd turn around and come back.
But she didn't.
It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you
"Merlin, Prongs-what the hell did you do to her? She's down in the Common Room throwing more insults about you than I've ever heard her throw before." I felt the weight of the bed sink as Sirius plopped down beside me. I looked up and stared at him, after gazing down at my hands for quite some time.
"Whoah, James. You look like you've been through hell ", he exclaimed, catching sight of my face. I suppose I looked a bit more tired than usual.
"I have." I replied with a melancholy tone, "Been through hell that is. Lily's mad at me-"
"I wouldn't say mad. More like seething at the ends, wanting to rip you to shreds-"
"Not helping", I pointed out. "Anyways, she's furious with me for some reason. She thinks I hexed Snape and sent him into the Hospital Wing-"
"But, we all know that isn't true!" Sirius laughed lightly. "Snivellus got himself thrown about and knocked unconscious when he followed us into the Shreiking Shack. And here I thought you did something along the lines of cheating on her or something-"
"You and all of Hogwarts know that would never happen in a million years!" I exclaimed loudly in disbelief, before dropping the volume of my voice to a low whisper, "And yes, of course we all know that isn't true-but there's no way to prove that to Lily. I just can't blab Moony's secret all in her face-though, none of this would have happened if you hadn't had your 'inconvenient lapse of judgement'."
At this, I happily saw the irritating smirk on Sirius face fall off.
"Nevertheless, I have no idea how to prove my innocence to Lily. And knowing, Snivel-I mean, Snape", I bit the name out. Lily hated it whenever I called him 'Snivellus', "he's probably feeding her awful lies about me or something." I clenched my fists in anger and frustration.
"Whoah, calm down there, Prongsy. Don't want you popping a blood vessel or anything, do we?" Sirius questioned, before patting my shoulder. For a while, things remained quiet.
"Maybe it's for the best…"
"What?" I questioned, the silence suddenly broken by his odd statement. I was confused.
"Maybe it's for the best" he repeated, "I mean, knowing Lily, she's done nothing but drag you down. Remember when she used to call you a 'bullying toerag' and claimed to pick the Giant Squid over you anyday? I don't think she's very far away from those days, it's not like you've had very likeable memories with her-"
"What?!" I gasped, a look of surprise on my face, before throwing him a harsh glare. How dare he! "Where have you been for the month or so that she and I have been dating?! We've had more than happy memories then! And she doesn't always drag me down-what the hell are you talking about?!"
"James, calm down" he replied. But I was far from it. "Look, I'm not saying it to insult Evans, I'd be bloody mental to do such a thing in front of you, no doubt. But, I'm only looking out for you. I know you've got this whole infatuation thing going over her-"
"It's not an infatuation."
"Whatever. Still, I know you really, really, really fancy her and everything-but there are other fish in the sea, you know. Evans may only seem like the world to you because you're making her the world."
Who the hell-?!
"She is the world" I exclaimed in defense, getting infuriated by the minute, "And don't you dare tell me otherwise Sirius Orion Black!" I gave a mock laugh. "Hah, this is rather funny-all this 'other fish in the sea' and 'love advice' coming from a man-whore who's already slept with half the girls in the bloody castle! That's a riot!"
"Don't you get sarcastic and start insulting me, James Potter" Sirius replied in an irritatingly calm voice, "I'm only looking out for what's best for you-"
"You don't know what's best for me!"
"Oh, on the contrary, I may know you a little better than you think."
"Get out." I replied coldly, sending him an icy glare to rival Lily's famous ones.
He got up and shrugged his shoulders. "Alright, Prongs. I'm just looking out for you. Call me when you're not so worked up on Evans."
"Get out." I repeated.
With that, he walked out of the Boys Dorm.
I asked her to stay
But she wouldn't listen
She left before I had the chance to say
Days and eventually weeks passed and still there was no change in Lily's attitude towards me. She had adopted her old ways of sneering at me and even dropped the infamous insult of 'bullying toerag' on me, before running off to join her friends.
"Lily?" I questioned hesitantly. For some rare, God-given moment, I had found myself alone in the halls with Lily.
"I thought I told you, Potter, to stay away from me-"
"Please, Lily" I replied with some effort to hide the begging in my voice, "Just listen to me. I won't take but a moment of your time, please."
"Alright, you've got one minute."
I jumped right to it, God-knows where I could start with this mixed-up-messed-up apology. "Lily, you mean the world to me and I'm sorry if I ever gave you cause to distrust me and think that I'm not worth your time. But, I'm pleading with you to please believe me. I didn't hex Snape."
"Oh, then who did?" I could sense the question was far from earnest curiosity, but somewhere along the lines of being mildly sarcastic.
"Snape wasn't hexed-"
"Then what happened to him, James?" she questioned. That had been the first time she had called me James in a long while. I figured she may have caught on, because she quickly changed back to last-name basis.
"Potter, he was bloody unconscious for days! Don't think an overdose on Sleeping Draught would have caused that-"
"Psh. Knowing Snape, that's probably the case…" I had meant to think, but had muttered aloud under my breath.
"See! You haven't changed at all!"
"Lily! No! I have! What I'm trying to say is…Snape wasn't hexed and I didn't do anything wrong except perhaps save his life!" Maybe I was alluding to more than I should have…
"Oh, as if I'll buy that piece of rubbish for a story! That's it, Potter! Stay away from me! This is your last warning!" With that, she turned away from me and walked off.
"Lily! Please!" I called after her, just like I did on that day of our fight that eventually broke us apart. But, like she did before, she did not turn around.
The words that would mend
the things that were broken
But now it's far too late, she's gone away
Somehow, things find themselves coming full circle and becoming repetitive. Once again, I had found myself down in the Common Room with an illegal bottle of FireWhiskey and gazing into the flames. On normal circumstances, I would have dragged myself to the Room of Requirement or perhaps to the Clock Tower for another drunken night, but I just couldn't find the strength or willpower to pull together the decency.
"Christ, Prongs. Pull yourself together!" Exclaimed an all-too familiar voice. I turned around and squinted at the slight shadows of the room, vaguely making out a figure.
"Padss?" I questioned, slurring slightly. I watched as he slowly approached me, that infamous doggish smirk lingering on his face.
"If you wanted to drink all night, you should have called me! Nothing beats a night of FireWhiskey with friends and some rounds of 'I Never'" he replied, plopping himself down next to me. He grabbed the bottle from my hand and sniffed it.
"Mmm, FireWhiskey-with a shot of Tequila in it? Wow, Prongs, you sure know how to get those illegal liquors…" I watched him take a swig of my bottle. "Now, tell me what brings you here in this drunken state? Don't let Moony catch you, or he'll be all up on your arse about it…"
"Evanss-" I half-spluttered, half-slurred out.
"I should have guessed-"
"N-no! No! You don't getit…she, she barely lookss at me, ignoress me, I can't even b-bloody explain what 'appened to 'er, s-she won't let me…." I ran a hand through my hair. "A-and I can't tell 'er the whole truth about what 'appened…I can't ssell out Moonss!"
"Understandable, James, you'd never sell out your friends. And that's a good thing. Don't ever let Evans make you contradict your beliefs."
"I know that!" I gave an aggravated groan, "B-but I can't get over the fact that shee won't even look at mee aand that I can't ever tell 'er the whole truth without sellingg out Moonyy…!"
"I'm sure you'll figure something out. You're James bloody Potter, for chrissakes. You can form some kind of plan."
"No…I-I'm sstuck on thiss one, Padss…" I muttered, before everything went black.
----
I don't think I could ever admit this, but a girl has finally got the best of me. Here I lay curled up under the sheets of my bed, wallowing in self-pity about the girl I once had and continue to love. Discarded bottles of FireWhiskey clutter the floors of the Dorms. Mine or my mates'? Of that I'm not so sure…but I could bet a month's worth of Quidditch pools that the majority of bottles are mine. The Marauders come in every once in a while, urging me to get up-but…I just can't, knowing that the one shining light in my life has gone away.
Maybe I'm over exaggerating, like everyone's telling me I am. Then again, Lily's the only girl I've mainly focused on during my career at Hogwarts. Sirius continues to put me on random dates with girl friends of his, but I have no willpower to move onto someone else.
I clutch the sheets, as I fleet in between intervals of consciousness and sleep-both filled with wallowing self-pity and memories of happier times shared with Lily.
I feel like such a mess. I can't do this anymore. I just can't pull myself together.
----
The taste of her breath, I'll never get over
And the noises that she made kept me awake
Oh
The weight of things that remained unspoken
Built up so much it crushed us everyday
"God, Sirius…he's been like this for months now, I don't know how much more of this I can take. I know this has something to do with Lily, because every time I so much as mention her name or something about her, he sighs and goes off into this melancholy daze. Tell me what the bloody hell is going on!"
"Never you mind, Remus. It's nothing, just the daily dramas of teenage lives. Nothing to get so worked up over."
"Yes, yes there is something to get worked up about. One of my friends is in some self-wallowing state and I'm intended to help somehow. I can't help but feel a bit responsible. I overheard Lily talking about how James hexed Snape, which you and I both know is untrue-"
"Let it go, Lupin, it's nothing-"
"Did I…Did I hurt anybody severely on that last…trip?" Remus bit his lip, treading on the question hesitantly. Merlin forbid he somehow became the cause of all this, if he did…he would go mad with insanity knowing that his condition had contributed to this greatly.
"Remus, please…just let it go…" Sirius offered weakly. A few moments of silence passed.
"…I did…didn't I?" Remus asked, the truth dawning on him. He wasn't stupid, he just didn't know how to face the truth.
"I…I'm sorry, Remus" Sirius replied, shaking his head.
"Oh God…" With that, Remus rushed out of the room, a hand cupped over his mouth.
----
"Prongs?"
…
"Prongs!"
I snapped my head up from looking down at my untouched breakfast, only to be met with steely, grey orbs.
"Merlin, James, eat something!" Sirius exclaimed, poking my plate with his fingers, "At this rate, you're going to waste away quicker with starvation-"
"All the better."
"Don't you dare go talking suicidal, James Potter. You and I both know you're not like that."
"Then, what am I supposed to do? Stuff my face with toast and pretend that everything's all peachy?!"
"Well, that's what I'd like to see…"
"Well then, face it! It's not going to happen! I'm not going to pretend like everything's just fine and dandy when it bloody well isn't!"
"Prongs, calm down. I didn't mean to hit a nerve-"
"Well you did."
"On the bright side of things-"
"Haha, bright side…I'd like to see that!" I scoffed.
"On the bright side of things…" he continued. I scowled. "Things could be much, much worse."
"How worse?!" I demanded, throwing him an incredulous look. "How can anything else go any worse than it already is?!"
"James, " came a voice, followed by a small cough. I glanced behind me to see Remus approaching the table with a black envelope. "Er…this came in the morning post for you, from the Ministry."
"Give it here" I replied, holding my hand out and taking the envelope from him. I broke the red wax seal and ripped it open. Now was not the time to deal with silly letters from the Ministry, I was on their mailing list for Quidditch news. Taking the parchment out of the envelope, I quickly scanned the contents of the letter…
---
Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking why does this happen to me
Why does every moment have to be so hard
"Poor Prongs…" Remus murmured aloud as he and Sirius sat in the Common Room, facing the flickering flames in the fireplace. "I can't believe his parents are dead."
"It's no bloody fair…" Sirius muttered, clenching his fist, "I mean, Mr. and Mrs. Potter were great people, they didn't deserve to go away so soon! They took me in when my bitch of a mother kicked me out of the house! They were the closest people I had next to parents!"
"I know…" Remus replied, agreeing with a nod, "I mean, I didn't know them on the level that you did-actually living with them. But, they seemed like very kind-hearted people those summers the Marauders stayed over at the Potters."
"And now they're gone. Just like that! With no warning or anything!"
"Look, we don't know for sure what happened. It's not like James got constant updates on their health, they could have gotten some kind of illness-"
"At the same time?! I think that's suspiciously coincidental, don't you think?!"
"Sirius, you never know…it's not like the Wizarding World has every cure for every disease."
"Whatever" Sirius replied, crossing his arms over his chest, "All that matters right now is that James' parents are dead, putting that on top of the loss he experienced with Evans."
"A-about that…," Remus hesitantly spoke, "I may have formed a solution to the Lily problem…" He swallowed.
"Really?" Sirius inquired, earnestly curious, "C'mon-out with it!"
---
Another month or so later…
CRASH.
"Watch where you're going", hissed a voice. Lily looked up to glare at the source of the voice. How dare they! It was they who bumped into her! Half-expecting a Slytherin from the cold tone of voice, Lily was shocked to see it was no other than James.
"I-I thought I told you to stay away from me!" Lily stared at him incredulously, outraged.
Silent, James merely picked up her fallen books and shoved them into her arms, before picking up his own books and brushing rudely past her.
Her eyes widened in shock as she turned to watch James Potter walk away. What?! No cocky comeback? No annoying question about whether or not she'd take him back? What had happened to James and who was he replaced with?
For weeks, Lily wondered the same thing as she observed him quietly for the next couple of weeks. Everything seemed normal, save for the fact that James had barely said a word to her, much less even look at her.
This should have been heavenly bliss to her…
Then why wasn't it?
What was irking her so much about this situation? Why did she even care?
Maybe she still held feelings for him.
No! No! She thought, That can't be it! He bloody put Severus in the Hospital Wing for crying out loud! But…why do I feel a pang of sadness every time I see him go past me without so much as a 'hello'? –No! Snap out of it, Lily!
For a while, antagonizing debates would take place in her head about how she truly felt about the situation. She would have continued to debate (even beginning a list of reasons as to why she hated him), if it weren't for a startling piece of truth that Remus had brought to her attention.
----
The loss of his parents and the loss of his former love had rendered James Potter cold and nearly heartless; however, not so much due to the fact that his friends were there to support him. It's reasonable to think that they were what kept him on the brink of sanity.
A roar of laughter was heard in the near-empty common room, save for four friends gathered in front of the fire.
"And he bloody drank the potion, having no idea what it was made of, turning a sickly green! Looked like a bloody frog, he did! Then boils started popping out all over his face! Ran straight for the Hospital Wing, the little bugger!" Sirius grinned, after recounting the tale of slipping some mysterious potion into his brother's drink that morning. James roared with laughter, Remus chuckled softly, and Peter grinned, wiping a tear from his eye.
"Oh Merlin, that is simply classic," James gasped, an intake of breath, "One to top every other prank you've done to your brother!"
"Maybe not top everything, but close enough!" Sirius flashed that doggish grin, before his bark-like laughter filled the room.
"Ahem."
All the Marauders turned, only to be greeted by a surprising visitor.
"Evans" Sirius spoke curtly.
"Black" she replied, with as much contempt.
"What the bloody hell do you want?" Sirius demanded, throwing her a cautious glare.
"As if I wanted to discuss with you the matters as to why I'm here. I came here to speak with Potter-er James."
Sirius gave another bark-like laugh. "Hah! As if he'd want to talk to you, much less we allow you talk to him!" Remus gripped Sirius' forearm lightly, shaking his head. "We should let her speak to him…," Remus spoke quietly. Sirius threw him an incredulous look.
"You'd best listen to Remus," Lily's voice advised, "He is the more sensible one in your group." Opening his mouth for a snappy comeback, Sirius then closed it as Remus' grip tightened a bit more.
"Alright, alright-we'll bloody let you talk to him. But, don't think he'll be talking to you." With that, Sirius got up from the couch and walked off in the direction of the Dorms.
"You too, Peter" Remus called out to the watery-eyed boy sitting in the armchair, before following after Sirius.
Seeing that everyone but James had left, Lily tentatively approached the couch where he was seated.
"Pot-James," she called out lightly, quickly correcting herself. She had been too used to calling him by his last name. James looked up at the redhead approaching him, raising an eyebrow at her.
"James…I wanted to have a word…"she began, unsure of just how to start the conversation, "May I sit down?"
"Sure," he spoke, no expression in his tone of voice. No tone of anger, no tone of surprise, no tone of anything. Nevertheless, Lily took that as an alright sign-at least he was speaking to her, even if only it was a word or two. She sat down beside him.
"I wanted to talk about…," she fidgeted slightly, she really wasn't sure where she was headed with this, "To talk about what happened with Severus. I wanted to apologize." She paused, watching James for any reaction, but so far it seemed like none, he was keeping relatively calm.
"I wanted to apologize for not believing you and calling you all these awful things…no matter how many times you spoke the truth. I'm sorry."
A long wait of silence passed, before she was surprised by the once-familiar voice of James Potter.
"Apology not accepted, Evans."
She froze, a bit stunned. She certainly hadn't expected that answer. With a shaky intake of breath, Lily tried to calm herself. Well, she thought, at least I apologized. If Proud Potter doesn't want to accept it, his loss. With that, she got up to leave.
"Your apology is not accepted, because you're wrong. I wasn't speaking the whole truth…"
Lily froze once again. She wasn't sure whether to stay and listen, or just leave and let things be. James continued to speak.
"I wasn't speaking the entire truth, but I cannot tell you the whole truth…it would break my trust with a certain somebody, therefore, breaking my own honor as being considered trustworthy to that person. I can't tell you the whole truth of what happened to Severus that night."
The muscles of her face relaxed, as Lily sat down beside him.
"I respect your semi-honesty, James…but I respect your loyalty even more." James looked up and threw her a questioning look. "Remus told me the whole truth."
"I-" James continued, but Lily raised a hand to silence him.
"Remus told me the whole truth about that night and about his condition. And I respect your loyalty to your friend, despite the pressure to want to tell the whole truth. That's something very admirable. I forgive you James in response to your request of an apology months ago, but I also request your forgiveness. I'm sorry I doubted you."
It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you
"You're forgiven, Lily. You've always been forgiven, besides you have nothing to apologize for." Lily looked up, the look on her face was unsure and radiating awe and wonder.
"James…"I heard her whisper quietly.
And I won't go home without you
I offered her a small smile, one I haven't given her in ages, before taking one of her hands and placing it in my mine. To my surprise, she didn't withdraw it. Holding her hand in one hand and stroking it lightly with the other, I gazed at her for a long while, taking in her distinguishing features.
And I won't go home without you
From her long fiery red hair to the emerald orbs that I fell into infatuation with a long time ago, I decided on something. What Sirius and so many people had said before was wrong. This wasn't an infatuation, this was something better.
"I love you."
And I won't go home without you
That being said, I pressed my lips lightly against hers. And again to my surprise, she didn't turn away, but accepted it.