Disclaimer: I own so little of this story it amuses me. Therefore, Ms. Rowling and Mr. Levins, please don't be upset. I mean you no harm.
DEATHTRAP
Characters:
James Potter… an aged auror and strategist for the Ministry of Magic and Order of the Phoenix.
Lily Potter… his devoted wife of 25 years and former auror.
Draco Malfoy… a young auror and devilishly handsome young man.
Act I
(Set in West Borough, a remote village commonly used as a vacation spot/second home for wealthy wizards. Now in the Potter's abode, Lily is sitting on her living room couch, a limp cigarette dangling from her mouth, and she is picking at her fingernails anxiously. An audible, but faint pop is heard and James places a hand on Lily's shoulder, to which she screams.)
James: Why is it every time I'm in this bloody house, YOU SCREAM?
Lily: Oh, Darling, I'm so sorry… I was just so anxious.
(She runs into his arms and covers him with kisses to which he shrugs her off, disgusted.)
James: Have you been smoking?
(Lily nods guiltily.)
James: You cannot do this to me. Must I worry about you every time I leave this house?
Lily: I'm sorry, my darling, but this was the first mission I haven't been with you on, and I was so anxious.
James: Well, you should know how they turn out by now. Fifth bomb in a row.
Lily: It couldn't have been that bad…
James: The Death Eaters figured us out five steps out the door.
Lily: Oh, Jamesie-poo…
James: Do not call me that. Face it Lily, I'm washed up. I couldn't lead a mission with a decent strategy to save my life.
Lily: You are not washed up! You are James Potter- inventor of the Murder Game, the most-used and least-detected strategy of the Order and Ministry combined.
James: That's who I was, Lily. I've lost it; I've lost my touch.
Lily: No…
(She curls beside him, trying to lace his arm around her shoulders, but he constantly pulls away.)
James: And to top it all off, I received this today!
(He pulls a manila envelope fro his pocket and waves it over his head manically.)
Lily: What is it?
James: Death Trap, a battle strategy devised and written by some 24-year-old shmuck of an auror who is just "trying out" the strategy scene.
Lily: What's so special about it?
James: What's so special? It's brilliant, flawless; unbeatable, in fact.
Lily: Well, why did he send it to you?
(She subconsciously lights another cigarette)
James: He attended the seminar I gave seven years ago and I suppose he took it to heart when I told them I'd be happy to proof any ideas they had… ideas! It's come with bloody visuals and all.
Lily: This could be a good thing, my darling Darling. What if you collaborate?
(James merely gives a shifty look in her direction)
Lily: You could lead the mission with him as the advisor. You could use this as a change of pace, get the ideas flowing again.
James: Lily, get that cigarette out of your mouth.
(She complies)
Lily: Sorry, dear.
James: No, Lily, I can't just collaborate. This kid is Draco Malfoy, reformed son of the infamous Lucius Malfoy. He couldn't waste his time with me when he'd be making a fortune for himself out there.
Lily: I thought it might be a good idea.
(An idea visibly dawns on James' distraught face)
James: No, Lily, would you like to know what would be a good idea?
Lily: What, Darling?
James: To take a mace to this guy's head and claim Death Trap as my own.
(Lily lets out an exasperated zebra-like laugh)
Lily: Oh, Jamesie-poo, even in the cloudy times, you keep that sense of humor.
James: I told you not to call me that.
Lily: What? Darling, you can't be serious. That's ridiculous.
James: Is it? He's house sitting- alone- three hours from here. He's unmarried and no one else knows he's even working on Death Trap.
(Lily stares wide-eyed for a moment before letting out a second zebra-laugh)
Lily: Well, Darling… invite him up.