Do you know what's it's like to be isolated? It's not a state in our environment, earnestly. It's a feeling in your chest, a unique pulse, a growing animal. An emotion he suppressed for numerous reasons - yet as an argumentative man himself, he always found a way to overrule the voices. But if he learned anything from his old co-worker, Olivia Benson, just because you walk away, doesn't mean it goes away - it never does.
He had spent the last year trying to avoid the part of Manhattan that had consumed this life, in all ways literal and physical. His old streets and paths to work, the images of his office still potent in his mind; as well as the SVU offices. He still stands by the concept that he had to step away, find a new path, but he also knew that some paths lead home. Undoubtably with the odd jobs and cases he's found on said path, he's still manifested a spark of joy in his daily life. But he was missing something.
Of course, he knew himself as any persons should; why did he suddenly feel the urge to fill this isolation he's had since he was sixteen years old? Now middle-aged, successful and content with his daily observations, what's the difference? Funny. How such a simple question could stump him for so long. He knew - it was in his words, wrapped on the edge of his tongue. He almost let them slip, on that last day. His adrenaline pumped as he walked away, but that night with a bottomless glass of scotch, he knew he couldn't stay away from ever. Every morning he woke up, and wondered if it would be the day he would reach for his phone, and call. Or show up unannounced to see his old squad family. He felt desperate for familiarity, and closure, but also to finish something he started the first day he shook hands with Olivia Benson.
He recalled cracking a joke as he strode across the court floor, so it could be the alibi to his smile that was really about her. He was overjoyed to be paired with someone who might have been as stubborn, if not more, then himself. Finally, a true partner against crime. She became his anchor, as the seasons changed, she was always there, behind him in the court room or a call away. But this new emptiness was not one he expected; as he was in denial that since that first day, he was committed to the last.
So there he was, a raining July morning, staring at the ceiling. The white finishing had imperfect marks, and his breathing was calm as he was awoken ten minutes before his alarm was set to go off, per usual. He could hear the rain hitting the roof of his top-floor apartment, and listened as the thunder encapsulated his hard-hitting emotions. He had a gut-instinct in his chest, something was wrong. The same undeniable feeling he got when a witness on the stand was misleading their practiced testimony. He shifts to his side, and sat up swinging his feet over the bed, staring at the rain hitting the window. Why was something wrong? What made today different?
He jumped at the sound of his phone, and coherently took him a few passing moments to realize it was not his alarm, it was a phone call. He glanced at the caller ID, it was labeled Mercy Hospital. He snatched the phone, in a panic, thinking his mother was sick.
"Hello this is Barba." He could feel his blood-pressure rising. The sound of a young girl answered, most likely a nurse. "Hello, Mr. Barba. My name is Nina Ridel, and I'm calling from the Emergency Room at Mercy Hospital, I am a nurse assistant here." Before he could open his mouth to spit out an array of questions, he couldn't even fit a breath in before she spoke again, "I've been told by those accompanying Detective Olivia Benson, that you may want to come in. There has been an incident, Ms. Benson is in critical condition." Barba could feel his entire mouth dry up, and couldn't even shallow. He spoke a few nervous words to the nurse before grabbing his coat and hastily getting dressed. As he opened the door, he almost had a heart attack as his morning alarm went off. He practically broke his phone trying to shut it off before rushing out of his apartment, not even locking the door.
Upon his arrival, he was filled with red and tearful expressions of faces he recognized and others he didn't. The entire precinct, Olivia's squad, and others filled the corridors of the hallways. Hushed voices clutched cups of coffee, the police officers shoulders looking heavy. However, at the sight of their former ADA, all heads turned in a mix of deep sorrow and relief. Barba saw Noah in a glass room playing with the babysitter Lucy. He could tell Noah knew something was wrong, but kept mostly obvious due to a bright red firetruck.
Amanda Rollins was the first to rush over to him, followed by Carisi. Amanda searched his face and was at a loss of words. "Amanda," Barba opened his mouth, a throat full of questions but was paralyzed. "Tell me she's still here." He chocked out the words. She nodded quickly. Her eyes bloodshot.
Carisi decided to speak for the wordless Rollins, place his hand on her shoulder. "Olivia was in a hostage situation. She was held there for hours, assaulted. But she refused to leave the three children and mother being kept there." Carisi looked towards the ground and cleared his throat. Fin walked up behind them and nodded at Barba, who tried to mask his face of extreme fear with his stoic court face. But he wasn't fooling anyone. "We had the house surrounded, but when Olivia went to disarm him from shooting one of the kids, he turned and shot her instead." Fin looked at the ground as Carisi turned away, in tears. Fin added, "It was close range. Lots of bleeding." Fin shoved his hands in his pockets as Amanda turned and buried her face in Carisi's chest.
Barba removed his blazer hastily then realized he had nowhere to go. He could do nothing. There was nowhere to run. Fin stepped around the emotional, and now seemingly couple and looked at Barba who was at a loss of words, for the first time. He gently gestured him to the side and was in a hushed voice. "Rafael," Rafael took a side step never hearing his first name from the hard-hitting and veteran detective before. "She asked for you, you know." He let the words sink in, and his face sunk in utter sadness. "While they were loading her in the bus, I was holding her bullet wound while they were added compression. She said, bring Noah, call Rafael." He stressfully messaged his hands as if he could still feel the tension in his knuckles from holding his weight over Liv's abdomen.
Rafael was in shock, again. He wanted to throw up, or pass out, maybe scream. Or all three would be nice. "Can I see her?" He felt his eyes water, the fear of it being too late to tell her was unraveling in his chest. "She still in…" His voice trailed off as he saw two doctors in surgery garments emerge from the Personal Only doors. Rafael turned around and was relieved that they didn't remove their hair caps yet. Everyone rushed over to hear the verdict. The attending doctor spoke, "It was a long surgery. She's in critical condition but we feel strongly about the surgery and feel it will be a successful outcome. The next twenty-four hours will be the most crucial and hardest. Is there a family member here to represent…?"
A mix of relieved sighs, sobs and claps filled the room. Yet to Rafael's shock, Amanda turned around and pointed to the once ADA, "Him. Rafael, he will represent." The room fell silent, and all heads turned to him. Amanda gave him a smirk and nod as he slowly made his way through the crowd of stunned faces. Amanda walked next to him slowly and whispered, "They only let one person in besides Noah. She asked for you, you should be there, not someone else." He nodded at her, grateful for her quick thinking. The police offers cleared a path as he followed the doctors down what felt like a never-ending corridor. Shocked regarding the events of the day proceeding. He wanted to understand the situation before bringing a terrified Noah into the room. His heart was racing, as the doctor spoke. "She's been coming out of medications. She'll be exhausted. If at any point she starts to not be able to pronounce properly or speak, let one of us know immediately."
Rafael walked into the moderately sized hospital room and felt a sense of horror and relief. All the machines and wires blinking and buzzing attached to a person he had the upmost respect for, a woman he hasn't seen in a year. He walked into the room slowly. Her brown hair slightly covering her face as he read was turned to the side. An oxygen mask covering her lips and nose. The doctor squeezed Rafael's shoulder and walked out. Rafael rushed over and sat in the chair next to the bed, seemingly placed for him. He gently reached over and touched her pale hand, an IV taped on top. When he touched her skin he felt an electric shock. The void in his chest filling, a sense of reconnection. He immediately found himself thinking of the day he left her, her gloved hand found his as tears gathered on the edge of her eyes.
He stared at her face intently, begging to see her eyes again. He never knew how desperately he needed to see them. He readjusted his hand that clasped with hers, and could feel the twitching of her fingers. Her head nodded slightly against the pale hospital pillow and her eyes fluttered open. He let out an unexpected sob of relief. The well of emotions he was holding back, was inevitably cracked, and he began to sob and not be able to control his breaths. His shield was down, and not only did it fall but it shattered on the floor.
He dropped his head to the bed and cried, in a way he would've never expected despite the situation. She moved more abruptly adjusting herself to get a better look at her guest. He lifted his head and starred at her. She reached up slowly and gently removed the oxygen masked pressed to her face. "Rafael." Her voice was cracked, and it was all it took for him to conjure up a whole new set of tears. "Liv," He barely could speak. He was unsure if he was crying as his void was getting filled, if it's because of her situation or because it's been a year since he's seen her face. He grabbed her hand and pressed it to his face, afraid to let go over her. She cried to, and opened her mouth when Rafael spoke, "Noah, he's with Lucy. He's okay. Do you want me to get him?" He moved back quickly, the old familiarity of their previous boundaries coming back like muscle memory. "Not yet. I want to be a little stronger before, so…he doesn't…" She inhaled deeply, "Get too concerned." Her eyes filled with tears and studied his face.
Rafael had so much to say but didn't know how to say it. So he was grateful when her stubbornness was the first to say something to relieve the looming question in his mind. "When I was shot, I saw my life flash before my eyes." She paused and closed her eyes. He stayed silent and rubbed his thumb overtop her hand. "I saw everyone, mostly my squad and Noah. But I kept seeing you. I relived that the day with you. It was like…" He voice cracked up emotional again, "It was happening all over again."
Silence again filled the room, besides the passing voices outside and the monitors. "I knew that if I survived I would regret it, that day, not telling you what I didn't." He opened his mouth to speak but he knew neither of them had too. He leaned over and kissed her forehead as he did that day, and kept his face hovering over hers, afraid to move. "I've regretted not saying anything, everyday. I thought of you, and Noah, every passing morning. I kept thinking every time my phone went off it was you, I hoped it was you. When I got a call from the hospital today, I thought I was too late…to…tell you that…"
Suddenly the monitors alarmed as his phone did that morning. Olivia's body went into a seizure, and her eyes rolled behind her head. Rafael was stunned, and screaming her name, his ears ringing, but it was all a blur. The nurses grabbed his shoulders and forced him out of the room, the oak door slamming in his face.