Darth Earith, Dark Lady of the Sith
Jedi Master Wace Mindu was on a mission to save the galaxy. With him were Sarsi Tin, Agent Kolar and, of course, the smiley – faced Fit Kisto. They were on board a Super Star Destroyer (which was, admittedly, the coolest of its kind; apart from its gargantuan size, it was the only ship in the Imperial Starfleet that was painted pink, with red trim). They had reached the ship's bridge, their final destination, where Darth Earith, Dark Lady of the Sith, awaited them.
But this was no ordinary bridge. From the ceiling hung numerous varieties of potted plants and sprinklers which seemed to go off whenever there was a freshly pressed and ironed Jedi robe in sight (and these were "hero" costumes, too). Butterflies and bees hovered everywhere, flitting around the neatly trimmed hedges, along with not quite a few mosquitoes (of the genus D. Nihilus), which hummed amorous hunting songs, lusting for the blood of the Force – sensitive. The stink of manure would not be leaving their clothes very soon, given that it had been mixed into every square inch of the grassy ground (or was it deck plating covered with earth and Imperial soil?) they trod upon.
Of course, the Jedi Masters had to make a suitably grand entrance in this little flower garden, with lightsabers ignited and some fancy footwork to avoid the newly worked patches of ground. (Jedi boots (and ponchos) were exclusive items, and in extremely high demand. Whenever a new model came up for sale, you had to order them within 30 minutes, or languish for months in waitlist limbo. Thank the Force, you now had 4 days to order them, but then you wouldn't make such a big killing in the secondary market for Jedi footwear. Well, it seems that you cannot have your ryshcate and eat it.)
"Hello there!" A young lady in a purple dress and a black jacket looked up from her gardening, welcoming the Jedi with a wave. She got up, wiping her hands on a handkerchief, putting away her spade and a sack which seemed to contain the composted remains of some monkey – lizards and week – old mynock salad. (Wace could've sworn that he heard someone in the bag mutter "Uttini!".)
"You are under arrest, my Lady," Wace declared in his deep, husky, rumbling basso voice. "The oppression of the Sith will never return."
"Oh, why are you threatening me, master Jedi? This is all a terrible misunderstanding! The galaxy's one big slum, so dull and grey like the place I used to live in. I'm just trying to spread a little good cheer everywhere, bring a little colour to people's lives. Starting from my very own flower garden right here!" Earith beamed with pride, obviously very proud of her handiwork.
Added Agent Kolar, "You cannot deceive us, Darth. Your tireless planting of ridiculously tasteless buttercups in over a thousand star systems and your inane prattle about spreading peace and happiness, cannot conceal your dark ambitions to rule the galaxy."
"Mmmmmmph…." The Dark Lady smiled and leaned forward, her hands behind her back, just like a handcuffed prisoner. The Jedi Masters shuddered, taking a great leap backwards. She was behaving so saucily! This was dun moch, the Sith battle technique that sapped an opponent's will to fight, at its sweetest. Darth Earith was indeed a master of psychological warfare.
"I mean, don't you love flowers? Last time, I had no choice but to make a living, and sell them to people for 1 Imperial credit each. Now, I can give them away for free! To everyone in the galaxy! That's beautiful, isn't it?"
It was obvious that Earith was totally enthralled by the dark side; she could not be reasoned with. There was now only one way to resolve this crisis. Wace Mindu and his posse, being bad people who had intimacies with their mothers, charged at the Dark Lady, bellowing guttural, ululating war cries like wookies on an extreme sugar high. Of course, the Jedi Code said that a Jedi Knight could use the force only for knowledge and defence, never for attacking, but Wace considered himself as merely performing a pre – emptive retaliatory strike.
But the Sith Lady was even faster, drawing her double – bladed lightsaber, spinning in the air like a top on its side suspended by some fishing wire.
"Eeeeeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeeeeee!"
Stabbed through the chest, the last thing Agent Kolar would ever see was the ground rushing towards him, along with an earthworm who would discover a cure for constipation in its final terrifying moments.
"You're so mean, dear!" Earith berated him, despite the fact that her first victim was by now pretty hard of hearing. "You just killed that poor little worm here! Think of all of those little hatchlings who'll have to live without a parent's love now!"
"Ooohooohooohooohooohooohoo!"
Sarsi Tin was eternally grateful to the Dark Lady for helping him shed the crude matter of this existence, and become a luminous being (thank goodness, he didn't become a Heartless, like Darth Ansem). But once the initial euphoric fizz of his newfound incandescence wore off, he soon found out that the netherworld of the Force was nothing but one endless faux Elysium meadow with a nicely paved road for scenic speeder bike rides. He was left with nothing but a can of sugar water.
"Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"
Fit Kisto smiled for the first time ever (he had been practising those past few thousand times you saw him purporting to smile). At last a pretty woman had conquered him, with the most masterful of moves. At last men could say of him that he wasn't as morose as Cloud, of all persons. The only problem was that Darth Earith had performed a sai tok on him. Apparently, Fit didn't know that the saw – the – body – into – half trick had cost Darth Maul his Sith Apprenticeship.
"Hey! Don't ruin the flowers!" Darth Earith complained, as Wace displayed his mastery of Vaapad, sending clouds of flower petals swirling in the air, which had become somewhat of a cliché in cartoons regularly aired in a galaxy far, far away, a long time into the future.
"Eheheheheheheheheheheheh!"
But not even Form VII could save Master Mindu. Earith performed her signature move – leaping leisurely in front of Wace, spinning her saber staff, before bringing it down hard on his head. Indeed, she had been practising that move ever since she was just a thick, blocky collection of 256 – coloured polygons way back in 1997. Most Jedi, however, preferred to call that move a sai cha.
The Dark Lady straightened out her clothes, made sure her hair was in place, and patted her chest in relief. Having won a well – deserved victory, she afforded herself the luxury of a quick giggle, raising her hand to her lips.
"Eeeheeheeheehee! Ooohoohoohoohoo! Ahahahahahaha! Eheheheheheheh!
Having lost a little of her perkiness, Darth Earith sighed, shaking her head as she regarded the four former Jedi arrayed at her feet. This was just too bad. A whole afternoon of work wasted.
She squatted down, picking up the severed head of the now ex – Jedi Master Wace Mindu, pressing it against hers, closing her eyes and whispering softly to it.
"Oh, I never wanted any of this, you know. I don't mind having to get my dress dirty tidying up this place, but now all of you are dead and gone! But never mind, I know just what to do to make up for all this death and destruction!"
Half an hour later, Earith had finished planting four very nice rose bushes. They would certainly live long and prosper. The ground on which they had been planted was extremely fertile indeed. What a wonderful sending she had performed!
Who said that being Darth Earith, Dark Lady of the Sith, wasn't fun at all?
"Eeeheeheehee! Eeeheeheehee! Eeeheeheehee! Eeeheeheehee! Eeeheeheehee! Eeeheeheeheee! Eeeheeheehee! Eeeheeheehee!"
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Author's Notes:
I was inspired to write this rather inane piece, after thinking, "What would happen if my favourite Final Fantasy character became evil?" How would Aerith Gainsborough, the sweet, innocent and cheerful flower girl of Midgar, behave if she were a Sith Lord, who rules the entire galaxy? Well, you have Darth Earith, Dark Lady of the Sith!
Additional inspiration came to me, after I read a few extracts from Betrayal, the first novel in the Legacy of the Force series, written by Aaron Allston (though I admit that I haven't read the novel yet, only a review or two, and the Star Wars Wiki article).
In this book, a certain Dark Jedi tries to sell the Sith. The Dark Jedi's sales pitch is that you can be a Sith, and still be a good guy. The Dark Jedi speaks about an ancient Sith Lord called Darth Vectivus, a businessman who adhered to a strong moral and ethical code. Even after becoming a Sith, Vectivus stayed true to his principles, and was able to resist the temptations of the dark side, yet not giving in to "equally destructive softheartedness".
(Of course, I must hasten to add that the veracity of this Dark Jedi's account of Darth Vectivus cannot be determined. Sith Lords are very good liars, and are highly skilled at manipulating and misrepresenting the truth. Look at how Palpatine tells Anakin about Darth Plagueis in the Coruscant opera house.)
So, how do you become a Sith, and remain a good gal? Well, Darth Earith has the answer! You stop selling flowers, you start giving them to everyone in the galaxy! But don't let those pesky Jedi ruin your flowerbed (they're just as unappreciative of beauty as Reno and his Shinra guards from Final Fantasy VII)!
My thanks to Wookiepedia (starwars. without which I wouldn't be able to toss around fancy terms like sai tok and dun moch, and learn so much about Darth Vectivus, and, of course, Tetsuya Nomura, the Japanese George Lucas, who designed wonderful characters like Cloud, Aerith, and Darth Sephiros!