Chapter One

Amanda was sitting at her desk in the squad room, unable to concentrate on her work. She was feeling tired and exhausted after barely catching any sleep the last few nights. All day Amanda was working hard on fighting her inapropriate feelings for her boss. At night these feelings overwhelmed her and left her wide awake.
Amanda hated herself for the way she saw Olivia. She was constantly worried that the older woman might notice and in consequence transfer her to another unit. That would be the worst, Amanda definately did not want that. So she had be careful to not let it show how attracted she felt towards her Sergeant. Doing that all day was hard and frustrating.

Sometimes Amanda imagined what it would be like if Olivia felt the same way towards her. But usually she quickly dismissed the idea, because she knew it was not true. Olivia liked men, everybody knew that. She had just broken up with Tucker a few months ago. Amanda however had known very early that she prefered women. At SVU only Fin knew about her being gay. He had already recognized the way Amanda looked at Olivia.

Lost in her thoughts Amanda did not notice her boss approaching her.

„Are you done?", Olivia asked.

Totally startled Amanda looked up.
„What?", she asked in confusion.

„Your paperwork, the reports, Rollins. Are you done with them?"

„Oh, yes… no, but I'll have them ready for you soon, Serge."

Olivia sighed and walked back into her office.
Amanda internally scolded herself for giving Olivia another reason to hate her. The brunette had hated her from the beginning, Amanda was sure about that. She just did not know exactly why Olivia seemed to dislike her that much.

„You alright?", asked Fin who had witnessed the short conversation between the two women.

„Yeah. No. I don't know.", Amanda admitted.

„When was the last time you slept properly? You seem really exhausted and distracted. Maybe a few days off might do you some well. I know you hate vacation but…"

Before Fin could finish the sentence Amanda began saying:
„No, you're right. I gotta get out of here for a while."

Amanda was determined to stick to Fin's suggestion. Being away from Olivia would be good to overthink everything and come up with new strategies to cope with her feelings which were clearly affecting her work right now. The blonde immediately got up from her chair and knocked at the door of her Sergeant's office.

She entered the room after Olivia had given her permission to do so. Her boss was sitting at her desk giving Amanda a surprised look. She did not hesitate.

„I need some time off, please.", she simply stated.

Olivia looked shocked and almost kind of concerned at her.

„Now?", the brunette asked unbelieving.

Amanda nodded. „Yes, Sergeant."

For a second Olivia thought she could see tears in the blue eyes of her detective.

„Is there a special reason?", Liv asked her.

Amanda did not know what to say at first.
„Yeah, some personal reason.", she replied proud of herself for seemingly keeping her distance to her boss.

Olivia was slightly disappointed that Amanda obviously did not trust her enough to tell her about why she needed time off. Olivia somehow wondered if she herself was the reason Amanda wanted to leave so quickly.

After Olivia had agreed Amanda left the precint, saying she would be back in a few days.

Later that evening Fin came into Liv's office to say goodbye for today.

„Do you know what is going on with Amanda?", Olivia asked him suddenly.

He could tell that she was worrying.
„I guess she's just trying to handle some things.", he replied, avoiding a direct answer. Fin had known that his partner was in love with their boss before Amanda was even able to admit that to herself. He guessed why she had wanted to get away so suddenly.

„Is it about me? I had such a feeling earlier."

„Well, I think you should ask Amanda yourself, Liv.", Fin said.

„I know I'm not making it easy for her often, but why would she hate me so much that she takes time off to get away from me?"

Fin had to smile, because he knew Amanda was feeling the opposite of hate for Olivia.

„What's so funny?", she wanted to know.

„It's just… Just believe me when I tell you she doesn't hate you. Quiete the contray…" Fin immediately regreted his words when he saw the look of realisation in Olivia's face.

„Oh. You mean…? I did not know Amanda was into women.", Liv said honestly surprised.

„Damn, I shouldn't have said that. Please act like before, like you don't know. She does not deserve to be punished for her feelings. You know she can be professional."

Olivia was not so sure she could simply ignore this revelation.