Smile
Summary: A smile. It seemed like such a small thing to Roger. After April dies, he realizes how important a smile really can be. A smile was what saved his life.
A smile.
It seemed like such a small thing before. I got them all the time. Maureen and Collins were always one for smiles. Mark wasn't exactly, except when he was looking at Maureen. Then the smile was plastered onto his face and he couldn't stop. Benny used to smile…before he dumped us for his high society family.
April smiled a lot too. She smiled all the time, although I'm guessing part of the reason for that was because she was high most of the time. That day, she didn't really smile and I figured something was wrong, but I never thought that she'd…
Then the smiles disappeared. After it finally clicked that I had HIV, Mark all but barraceded me inside the apartment. He made sure I got healthy, you know, ate correctly and stopped doing drugs. I was really only allowed to leave to go to the doctor's office. He kept me inside until I got clean, but when he finally decided I was healthy enough to go outside, I didn't want to. I didn't know why but just walking out onto the balcony scared the shit out of me.
I didn't notice that they stopped smiling for a while. Then one day it just hit me. Collins was worried about me, worried that my HIV would progress to AIDS, like his had. Mark smiled, but it was different. He didn't smile with his eyes. He pretended to be happy, but I honestly think he was more scared than I was. I didn't blame him, I mean, there was a good chance that I was going to die a long time before he did, me and Collins. He hated his family and Maureen was in and out, so we were all he had left. Who would be around to make sure he didn't get his ass kicked by Benny?
An entire year without a smile, not one. That may not seem so bad, but it was. There was only one real smile and that was from Mark, the day Maureen broke our roof (long story). That was early on, when I was still detoxing.
It was Christmas Eve. A year since everything had happened. I hadn't picked up a guitar since April had…but I decided that I was going to play, even if it killed me. I sat down on the couch and started to tune it. I strummed it and it sounded okay. I played a few chords and I realized fast I was rusty. I tried simple songs first, stuff you learn in the beginning, like Amazing Grace or Love Me Tender. I could do them pretty well –to my surprise – but there was that one tune that was stuck in my head. It sounded a lot like Musietta's Waltz and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I started writing it about six months after April and me started going out. I just couldn't ever seem to finish it though. I started the song up and I couldn't believe I remembered how to play it.
The notes coming out flowed out beautifully, gracefully. I loved music. Everyone has something they're good at, something that calms them. For me it was my music. I just needed to remember how to play it and write it. I was about to finish it up when I hit a wrong note. Very wrong. No matter how many times I tried it, I couldn't seem to get it right.
What the hell! I thought. How can I finish this song, how is it coming out wrong when I could play it perfectly before?
I tried playing a different note, trying a completely different chord, but it just didn't sound right. Then the power blew and Mark came running in muttering about paying rent. He held up a sign and I knew we were in deep shit. How the hell were we supposed to pay rent? Neither of us had a job.
We went outside on the balcony (I felt really jumpy the entire time) to see that Benny was out there. People were screaming and throwing stuff at him. I almost felt bad for him…almost. He yelled at us to come down. Mark looked at me and noticed how jumpy I was. Mark told him to get up here himself. Benny gave me a look but walked towards the door. I heard something clanging underneath me. I had completely forgotten someone lived beneath us.
There she was. There was it. There was that smile. The first smile in a year. It wasn't a fake one. This girl was smiling with her eyes. She was looking at me like I was the best thing to be invented since TV. I looked her over because she looked very familiar.
It struck me that it wasn't just her smile that was beautiful. She was beautiful. The moon hit her in such a way where she looked like she was glowing. She had big, chocolate eyes that had a laugh in them. She was looking at me like she expected me to say something. What could I say?
I tried to smile back but it didn't work so well. I hadn't had anything to smile about in a year. We got inside and I wished I could see her again. I wished I could say something to this girl who smiled at me for no reason.
Mark left, warning me to take my AZT – like I could forget? – and I sat down with my guitar again. I had to finish that song. My song. My one song to write before I…
There was a knock. I had thought it was Mark. He probably realized he had forgotten his key or something.
"What did you forget?" I asked, rolling my eyes. I opened the door and there was that girl. She smiled again, one that could light up an entire room. She held something out in front of her.
"Gotta light?" she asked. She smiled again, like she knew something I didn't know. I wanted to smile back for some reason. I wanted to make this girl smile. What could I do?
I let her in.
And it was the best thing I've ever done in my entire my life.
Hey guys. I'm back. I hope you like this one. I've actually been working on this one for a while. I don't know why, but it was hard to write. Tell me if you like it. I really do, but I guess I'm biased.