She had always been a survivor. It had always felt as if she were just surviving, instead of actually living. What point was there to life anyway? You lived, you died, the cycle would repeat. Was there a purpose to life? If there was, she hadn't found it.
Maybe it was only for people who were innocent. Like granny had been. Ayu hadn't ever seen purpose in someone's eyes until she had seen the old woman on the street one night. Passing by the low rising fence, she had watched as the woman carefully tended to seeds. Whoever would have thought that could have given someone a sense of purpose? Planting something that had little chance of growing up, then when it did it would die?
But if that was the case, why had she saved the tiny scrap of a dog, left abandoned in a cardboard box with its tongue mutilated?
It was granny. The woman, well, what would Granny have thought with her leaving behind the dog? She had buried her conscience seemingly years ago, but the old woman had awoken it.
No wonder why she was dying now. She had been turning soft, hadn't she? Survivors weren't supposed to be soft. Always she had yearningly looked through the racks of jewelry displays through the windows of the jewelry stores when she spent time with Reina. She had thought of herself as if she were a diamond.
A diamond was hard – unbreakable, refusing to crack under pressure and was cold. Diamonds didn't have emotions or expressions. They were the survivors of the world. Except, unlike the diamond, she wasn't wanted. She wasn't valuable. She was worthless.
Dying this way fit her. Her body had been wasting away for a while, despite her inner mind's denial. Missing meals for days, ignoring the frailty of her movements, and the groaning of her muscles, it hadn't been that much of a sacrifice for the goal she had been working to achieve. Though if she had known that she was going to die this way, she should have charged more from the start, instead of in her last few months. Fifty thousand didn't seem like very much, not for experiencing this pain.
Oh well. It didn't matter in the end. She hadn't failed. Yoshiyuki would have the surgery. He would be able to live. If there was to be a soul for a soul, she was going to be damned sure that he was the one living. And at least this way her hands would never touch him.
She would have never been able to be the innocent, cute girlfriend that turned into the dutiful and quiet wife. That was Reina, not her. She wasn't meant to be loved. She couldn't have drawn Yoshiyuki into her world, twisting him. No – she wouldn't have been able to withstand that. But this way, her death would solve that problem.
"Ayu-chan is more pure than anyone in the world!"
Yoshiyuki.
That foolish, foolish child.
He was like granny, wasn't he? Both had loved her more than she deserved. Love wasn't meant for someone like her.
Nuzzling his wet snout against her cheek, Pao whined softly. If she had the strength, she could have comforted him. But she was weak. Weak, dirtied, tainted, it was a wonder that God had allowed her to live this long.
Coughing, blood spurted from her mouth. Drips of it would stain Pao's light brown coloring. Tch, she must be dying to think for a single moment that there was a God. Yet…her eyes fluttered closed as she willed the effort to make her lips move.
"God…if you're there…look after Yoshiyuki and Pao. They're…they're innocent fools…"
It wouldn't be long now.
Her chest was heaving up and down; ragged breaths escaping her lips. What was that sound? Pao's whining grew louder, more insistent as his rough tongue dragged along her hand.
"Good boy…" She murmured, her lips curling upwards into the faintest trace of a smile.
Deep Love is the most depressing and most beautiful manga there is. Truly - that story is one that I am glad I don't have the rights to own. If you haven't read it, go read it this instant before doing anything else, but please have several boxes of tissue with you. I found it inspiring how Ayu doesn't realize what a kind person she is. From trying to save her pimp from death to the whole climax of the series with Yoshiyuki - it is only fitting that the mangaka have her reincarnated as a child. Children are like angels on Earth, I think. Anyways, I'm finished with my rant. On a side note, I was thinking about making a story about Ayu with someone. I would prefer it not to be Yoshiyuki. If anyone has any suggestions on someone to pair her with, no matter what the character is from, please post it in the reviews or private message it to me. You would have my deepest appreciation.