Sometimes the decisions we make work themselves out perfectly. Flawlessly, without a hitch. Sometimes everything happens according to plan.
This is not one of those times.
The moment my mother left me and I came through the door of Haymitch's living corridors in the military stronghold, he was in my ear. Again, I found myself wishing the Capitol had left my ear in disrepair. That way I wouldn't have to listen to him chew me out like this.
The worst is far from over; in fact I think he's just getting started with his rant about my cowardly and irresponsible actions, when Finnick walks in. He says nothing, just settles himself on Haymitch's cot in the corner of the cramped room. Oddly, his presence calms me. Finnick and I became a pair of kindred spirits the moment we found out or loved ones –Annie for Finnick, Peeta for me- were being held by the Capitol. But I don't even glance at him. For once, I have nothing to say. Nothing I could contradict Haymitch's words with- they are all absolutely true. I am a coward, I am shirking my duties. I have failed everyone. So I don't cut in with a snide remark like I usually would. I stare at my shoes.
It's Finnick who cuts in. "Haymitch." But he doesn't look at him when he says it, I can feel his sea green eyes boring into my downcast ones. Haymitch stops, but not angrily. I can tell by his tone that he is surprised that Finnick has spoken.
"What, boy?"
"I'm sure Katniss knows that her actions of late were less than admirable. No need to drill it in."
I finally look over at Finnick. I notice how much older he looks. He's still amazingly attractive- I can't deny something so obvious as Finnick Odair's beauty- he just looks tried. Exhausted. I realize that I must look something like that as well. Worse, probably.
Haymitch takes a deep breath and resigns, plopping down right on the floor where he had been standing. "Well, I'll let her speak for herself, then. Let's hear it, girl."
I guess I mumble something, because my opening words are cut off by Haymitch's sharp "Speak up!" So I clear my throat and look up, being sure to keep my eyes away from the prying one's of Haymitch's. And then I try to get out what I've been keeping inside me for the past few months.
"Look, Haymitch. Finnick is right, I know how horrible and despicable I am, and I don't blame you or anyone for being furious with me. In fact, if you want to lay it on thick later, feel free, because I deserve it. I know I do, okay? But right now, I need to make up for lost time. And need to know everything you know about District Thirteen, about the Capitol, and about…" I struggle with his name "Peeta." Haymitch doesn't offer an immediate answer, so I go on. "I owe you all a huge apology. I'm sorry." To my surprise, I start crying. But I want to say more, I've been holding it all in for so long. "I just-I feel so, I feel like I'm not capable of handling all this anymore. I've tried to hold it together, but I just cant-cant take it now th-that P-p-p-," By this point I'm sobbing, and I cant form audible phrases. It takes a couple minutes for me to regain my voice. Neither Haymitch nor Finnick make any attempt to comfort me. They know better.
"I guess what I'm asking for is help. And you both know that's something I don't ask for often. There's no excuse for how I've acted. I just need to know. I need to know everything, and I need to know it now."
I'm looking straight at Haymitch, and he is staring straight back. His eyes probe into my soul, and I can feel him digging around, searching for whatever it is he wants to find in me. I can tell that whatever it is, he's found it, because he looks at me with an intensity and determination that I haven't seen in him before. And for the first time, and although we are very close together in this small room, I can't detect one hint of alcohol on Haymitch's breath.
"Okay Katniss. I will tell you everything."